Day 20- Deceptive Nature as Who I am

I was at a training class with my dog today, and I found I became embarrassed during the class. He is 2 and it's a beginners class, so theirs all sorts of puppies in the class, much younger then Henri. I never took him when he was a puppy, but now it is time, and he has to start at this level due to not having any formal training. He was looking at me during the class, and barking, when he is bored or wants to move around, he gets frustrated and barks at me. Here is where I felt embarrassed, and judged myself as a bad mother to him like the people around me where judging me due to him being out of control braking at me. Being embarrassed for having Henri bark at me, and blaming Henri for my reaction of feeling embarrassed as I accepted the thought that they are judging me is the self forgiveness I will walk.                

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into the emotion of embarrassment when I see that Henri is barking at me and others are looking at me within the class I was in.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into blame towards Henri to escape the fact that I am within myself feeling insecure and embarrassed based on what I am accepting within myself as thoughts that others are judging me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting thoughts that others are judging me and seeing me as a bad mother to Henri because Henri was barking and he was not being perfect in all ways.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to have an expectation of Henri as well as myself to show the perfect picture presentation for others so I can be seen as perfect and others can get the impression of me that I am perfect and have everything in order, this is for my ego so I can boost it to be seen as better then others and have others compare themselves to me and see me as better.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to be seen as perfect within and as my world by others so I can impress or imprint on them that I am really well put together and thus have them compare themselves to me and see me as the best and better then them because this is what I want to be the best and seen as better.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into desires as ego personalities to want to be seen as better then others to thus make myself feel superior and more then others and have them see this within who I am being and what I am doing so they can reflect back on themselves and see that they are not as cool as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into the ego as competition and superiority to make myself feel better about myself because within myself I see myself as a loser, and not worth much within what I look like and who I am, as within myself I feel weak so I prey on those who I see I can beat and give myself a little boost so I can feel better about myself when I have succeed and won within getting my ego boosted and having conformation somewhere in my world that I am seen more then another in some way.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to prey and leech off of others through abuse within thoughts and underlying ulterior motives to get my energy and make another feel weak making me feel strong within how I present myself and how it is received and thus gain my feeling good through the abuse of another when I see that I have won.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to thus go into the polarity opposite and live within this point of embarrassment and diminishment when Henri was barking and my picture presentation wasn't perfect where I had the evidence that I couldn't hide that my dog was not in control and thus I was not perfect and others could see this outright.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as this play out of weak/strong where in I go into polarity play outs with others of trying to make myself look better when in reality I am not and am just being an abuser and thus compromise others and diminish myself by abusing others within my mind so I can glorify myself and make myself feel good about myself because I feel like shit within.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to feel weak within myself and less then others and thus then go and prey as a mind system personality based in trying to survive in this world and abuse others to make myself feel better so I can compete and be on top as within myself as my ego I am always driving to be on top because that is where the most opportunity for good feelings is.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compete with others so I can be on top and gain good feelings for myself so I can show myself that I can make it and survive in this world of dog eat dog which I participate right into.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not accept myself here within and as who I am as a physical being with all and thus go into trying to diminish others to make myself feel more and be seen by others as more when really I am showing life who I am as an abuser and can not be trusted with others as I am always looking in self interest to survive and abuse others in separation to make myself look better.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create such a world were we have to survive and feed off others as competition to see ourselves as worthy as we have created such a polarity as egos that we compete with each other to live and breath and believe that this is the only way to live, by diminishing myself to feel on top for a moment and then have to cycle through again to get this feeling for a moment and it continues as a cycle never being satisfied and go and abuse others in the process.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to diminish myself as life as an ego personality to gain over others in hopes that I will be seen as the best and special by others and thus go into competition whenever I feel threatened and believe I may lose.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting competition within myself with life instead of living the realization that all here is life and I am here one with all, I am competing with me alone and thus causing my own self destruction.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am weak and unworthy and thus I have to compete to show my worthiness at all cost even abusing and becoming deceptive with others so I can get good feelings and be seen as the best over others to feel worthy and accepted.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself by others and thus go into competition polarity play outs as win/lose.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself by others and try to be more then them so I can win.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting embarrassment within me towards others when I accept the idea that I am being judged as bad and weak.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to judge myself as life and thus judge life in polarities when I realize all here is life and I am one with all.

When and as this point of embarrassment and self judgment come up, I stop, breath, focus on my breathing and what I am doing physically. I say that I am here one and equal and am not defined by anything. I realize and see that this is my mind trying to separate me from life and go into self sabotage so it can gain the energy as good/bad feelings play out while I destroy myself. I see this play out and where it will lead so I stop going into the judgment of myself and others, and stop the competition to be more.

I commit to walk one and equal with others stopping all thoughts of judgment of myself, interacting and committing to live as physical beings and accept myself as such with all life.

I commit to stop abusing life in my mind and actions and stop competing to be better and have others see me as better, I stand equal and one with all and commit to not accept this form of abuse as competition in ego to direct me.

I commit to live with life in enjoyment as what we are doing in physical reality and stop the blame and projection onto others and face myself as I take responsibility for who I am and walk the correction to stop separating myself as life.


dog training, puppy class, dog story, barking dog, out of control pet, competing human, equality, equal money, desteni, 2012, eqafe