Day 188 – Result of Irresponsible Living – Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within desires to not want to work or do anything any longer based on being sick of having to live and make money and survive everyday. I realize I am fortunate compared to others in this world, and realize many are struggling even to continue living each day, real life and death scenarios.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a system where people are dying everyday and are being abused based on not having any other option in this world because everything is run on money, and money is not fairly given to all equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be greedy with money and not wanting to share my money with others in fear of being taken advantage of and being at a lost. I realize, see, and understand this fear is not is unacceptable and unnecessary as I can make an informed decision on what or who I give my money to based on the principle’s I live, and create an equal society were all are given the right to life and living in dignity as the Equal Money system is a living example for this. I realize there is no excuses or blame to the suffering in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give my money away and be greedy with my money based on fear of not being happy and being able to be satisfied in life. Basing my whole life on whether I will be happy and satisfied while so many suffer based on allowing this current world system to exist. I realize my self interest is the result of billions suffering on this planet were resources are hoarded and consumed based on only thinking about ourselves and not considering the oneness of all of us here on this planet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give money to charities within a belief that it is going to help solve the problem, realizing that this is only for myself to feel good as well as showing that the existence of charities is already a failure, and the idea and belief that charities are a solution is self dishonest and unacceptable based on the obviousness that it doesn’t solve the root problems of this world and that is human greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself for my own self interest of desiring to feel good based on greed, so I will hoard what I have and not give to others, and allow others to go without and suffer because I don’t want to share equally with all. I realize that the solution is here within the equal money system and I am a deliberate abuser and problem to life if I don’t stop my self interest and greed, and start implementing and elevating the suffering that is due to my actions of inequality and irresponsibility to life one and equal, where money as the root of life in this current system to live, is not given to all equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe based on someone’s life experience or how someone lives, and then go and judge them as deserving or undeserving of an equal share of living rights and decency in this world is a crime against life. I realize I am only denying myself the right to life because how can I receive it if I will not give someone equal to me this right as well, so I based on my inequality and ignorance will go with out as well eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my ego to engulf me and make me feel and believe that I am more worthy then others based on my money I have, the job I hold, the house I live in, the car I drive, the clothes I wear, the boyfriend/girlfriend by my side, the way I look, and believe that based on what I have I am more deserving or based on how hard I work, I am more deserving to have the right to life and a life of decency then others I judge as not as deserving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a virus to life and what is living in this natural world sucking it dry and not giving an once of care to the destruction, suffering, and death it is causing to the countless living beings in all areas of life from the great to the small on this earth. I realize I am them one and equal, I am doing this too myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that based on intellect which is the memorization of information and knowledge, and storing it as memory and then recalling it and using it to make myself look and feel good in ways of self interest, and then go and judge and degrade the life as the natural world – animals, insects, plants, rocks, soil, grass, that which cooperates one and equal to give us life as less significant and intelligent beings then the human being is insane and makes me insane and ill mentally. I realize this is the case because I have seen the destruction and annihilation the human race has caused on the natural world, and have not proven in fact the superiority of the human race we claim, while all the while we as humanity ignore and deny, all the most basic evidence of real data that is proving otherwise, case and point - viruses. I realize we have created an arrogances within us that has made us so blind to our own stupidity based on believing our minds over the facts of this world. We use information as a point of ego not as life for our own self-glorification, denying the physical world that is here and the future we all can create to be lived as a better world and life for all.

Self commitments to follow.

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the shame of humanity, death and destruction, killing our planet, annihilation of the earth, cutting down trees, shameful living, irresponsible humans, human race, self interest psychos, egomaniac, desteni, journey to life, 2012, end of the world, december 21

Day 187 - Fear of Dying

For further perspective, reference the following blogs:

Day 179 – Introduction to My Anxiety – Part 1.1 - Fear of Being Exposed
Day 180 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Exposure Part 1.2 Day 181 - Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Being Seen in a Bad Light - Part 2.1
Day 182 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Being Seen in a Bad Light Part 2.2
Day 183 - Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Not Making It - Part 3.1
Day 184 – Introduction to My Anxiety – Fear of Not Making It – Part 3.2
Day 186 – How to Stop the Fear of Failure

Within looking at this fear, the fearing of death, I see it is as a fear of facing the consequence of myself and this world as a whole, in death I realize there is no escape to who I have become and what I have contributed to this world, if anything significant  and this I find I resist. Within this realization, I fear death because I fear losing my chance to correct myself, fear that I will not be able to get my process done in the physical and have to do it from the dimensions, and a fear of missing out in life and getting an equal world and system in place. So I see this as a fear of facing the consequence of myself within my physical individual process as well as facing myself within the world system and the world existential process, and will I be able to get everything done before this final absolute point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self existence in where I go into a petrification of myself within my mind in the thoughts and imaginations I create of what could happen or what might happen in death rather then being here and stable within myself and my living into a breath movement of self stability in the physical. I realize and understand within myself that when I allow my mind to wander and thus I allow this fear of myself and what is to come consume me I will accumulate and accumulate this fear energy into more and more energy as petrification where more and more thoughts come up to fuel these fears and thus I go into a constriction to not being able to even move and express within a stable point in my world and living.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of fear of myself and thus go into the mind and start imagining what will be at death, I stop and breath, and focus on my breathing letting go of the thoughts unconditionally and not allowing myself to fuel them. I also commit to breath through the fear of what may come of myself and focus on what I am physically doing in this present moment, focus on what is here, and only work with what is here as that is all that is here and real, and thus I work within reality, using common sense and my physical application to walk myself into equality with all life as solutions that are best for all and best for this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into these thoughts of what will happen to me and what will come of me at death, and thus create a fear within this where I fear facing who I have become within a point of self judgment, and thus allowing myself to sabotage my process in this moment due to fear and self judgment of who I am being within a process that is here and being walked and can not be judgedbecause it is what it is. I realize that judging myself and thus allowing fears to direct me into fearing death and within this not allowing myself to move, I will compromise myself and not allow myself to really progress and move within my process to get what is needed done and correct this point of fear.

I commit myself to when these fears come up and I go into my mind, and then create and fuel this fear of death with sabotaging myself through self judgment, I stop and breath, and do not accept and allow myself to go into this fear and self judgment by focusing on what is real through my movement and focus on my physical body by breathing, staying in breath, and staying physically active.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is to come once I am dead and that I fear this point of the unknown and thus accept ideas in my head of what might happen, and thus I go into the worst case scenarios which fuel this fear in my mind. I realize that participating within this fear, I will accumulate and exist within fear not being able to move, and so I realize I have to stop the ideas and projections of worst-case scenarios, and focus on what is here.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this fear and ideas, I stop and breath, and push myself to commit to walking in breath, not looking into the future or the pas, but remaining here in the physical. Self forgiving that which is not aligned with what is here in breath in the physical, and walk the correction so I am stable and not allowing fears as ideas of worst case to direct me as this is not real and not practical in finding solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is within me and fear facing this eventually in death, showing I am fearing it facing it here in the physical sabotaging my process due to fear od what I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is within me as bad as I realize it is not to be judged or condemned but realize it’s me and change it to align to what is best.

I commit myself to stop the fear of facing myself, and thus walk my process in each moment, directing myself and not allowing fear to influence me into inaction. I stop judging this fear as bad or myself as bad, and accept me by walking here in the physical and accepting what is here, and breathing and living with no judgments but equality with all and solutions in what is best for all.

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Day 186 – How to Stop the Fear of Failure

For further perspective, reference the following blogs:

Day 179 – Introduction to My Anxiety – Part 1.1 - Fear of Being Exposed
Day 180 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Exposure Part 1.2 

Day 181 - Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Being Seen in a Bad Light - Part 2.1
Day 182 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Being Seen in a Bad Light Part 2.2
Day 183 - Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Not Making It - Part 3.1
Day 184 – Introduction to My Anxiety – Fear of Not Making It – Part 3.2

Looking at this fear today and how it affects me within my living, the fear of failing. I see within this fear, I have created within me a desire to always succeed and always be seen within my world as a winner and able to make it. I mean who would I be and what would people think of me if I failed at something, within myself I made this a definitive point of how I saw myself and how I lived my life, by how others saw me and that I was being seen within the top of what I was doing. 

Within points that I was not skilled at or not proficient in, I would suppress and usually not attempt to do based on this fear of being seen by others as a failure, and so never pushed myself to go outside this programming of this potential to fail and really go for things that I wasn’t excelling in naturally. This obviously limits my capabilities and expression in living and stunting myself within who I could be if I stopped this fear, and allowed myself to go full out within what I am expressing in, allowing myself to fail at things if it occurs without fear. As failure is not an end to something or a conclusion of something or someone, but is a reference point for self to see and realize that that particular skill needs more work, dedication, and attention, so not to give up based on this fear, but give it a go and a chance for self to see who one is within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within myself create a desire to succeed and win based on this desires built up within playing sports of wanting to be the best and be the winner seeing how it is when one lose as how others perceive those people, and fearing being seen this way and thus creating a fear of failing. I realize based on this desire to be a winner, I created this fear within myself of failing because I valued the winner as more worthy then those who have lost, defining them as a loser, and associating people in the future with this tag and memory of seeing them as this person who is less then me because they lost and I won.

I commit myself to when and as a point of desire to win and thus go and judge another as a loser based on this fear within myself to be the loser, to have failed in what I was doing, I stop and breath, and do not accept thethoughts as desires to direct me. Realizing and seeing that I am one and equal to those who have ‘lost’, and so let go of all the predefinitions of superiority I am holding onto related to winning, I commit myself to let go of the energy through breathing and not participating in the thoughts of being better or a winner because I realize this creates the polarity of fearing to fail. I understand and see that all life is equal and one to myself who in living within the process of walking a point to perfection, as I have walked the same process just in different contexts or not perhaps, thus I commit to walk as equals to others and support them in any points or advice I see and can give that is relevant to their process of learning and I can see in self honesty is best for all. I commit to not accept ego to direct me, and push humbleness in realizing that we are all life and all are on the same level of equality no matter what we can do or what we succeed or fail in, it’s a learning process within living and expressing self, this is to be considered always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am based on if others see me as a failure when I do not complete a task to the best of my ability, and thus go into fear based on fearing them not liking or accepting me because I have judged this point of failing as being not good enough. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life through what we are good at and what we fail in as this is not a fair assessment nor self honest because it is based on ideas and perceptions of how I perceive others in my mind not based on fact and equal consideration. I realize that life is not defined nor can be compared within those who are good and those who do things bad, and thus create a value judgment of them that sticks within self as a memory to define them by in the future.

I realize within this point that this is purely done in self interest to feed the ego to be seen as more and better then another being to make self look better and thus feel better through another’s expense. I realize that this is self dishonest and not living within equality with all life as equality is here and is constant, there is no good or bad as definition within a value conclusion of a person, but only in reference to who one is within one’s living in their own living assessment to realize themselves within the best they can be, using the good/bad points within self understanding and working towards an end goal of equalizing self with all life so all express completely here in equality in oneness and equality as in self direction and self correction to align always with these principles.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of judging another based on abilities and thus judging them from this point, I stop and breath, and do not accept the thoughts as I remain committed to stopping and not fueling these thoughts of separation for my own self-interest. I commit to support life in all ways to realize themselves and their own expression within a self corrective process of self will through writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, and living the change to align with oneness and equality within the physical world, as I do this and continue to push myself to my own self equality within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of others within my mind of failing or defining them as a loser, and then when I meet them again allow and accept energy as satisfaction to direct me into feeling good about myself because within my mind, I have a point as memory where I can see they have failed and thus judge them for this, and have a ‘memory’ held that I am better then this person. I realize that within this point it is based on self insecurity where I desire and use others failures for my own satisfaction based on the fact that I judge myself as a failure, and use these points of others failing to my advantage to show to myself that I am better then them, so I hold a memory in my mind of them for reference for myself to judge them for in the future so I can continue to fuel this energy as feeling good at another’s failure.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of judging another based on them not succeeding in a point or skill, I stop and breath, and do not allow myself to access any memories, allowing them to flow through me and not participating by saying ‘no I do not accept and allow myself to judge another from this memory nor allow this memory to direct me into comparison and competition’. I push myself to breath through the energy movement and remain stable. Not communicating with the being until I am clear and not in reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a memory of others within an idea that I have judged of them based on a single event in time, I stop all judgment of others, and treat all equal to how I would like to be treated.

I commit myself to let go of judgments when they arise of others through breathing and stopping participation in the energy as thoughts or memories, until I am here and nothing moves me.

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Day 185 - 'Your Sucha Brat!' Dealing with Irritation

Looking at the point of irritation within myself, and how easily I go into this point with others based onaccepting the energy that rush through me when something triggers this irritation within a point in my day. Usually it is based on something that I feel has disrupted my time or I took personally, I find when something repeats itself, like a kid keeps coming and coming and won’t leave me alone, instead of finding a solution for the child to go and find something productive and practical to do, I go into irritation which results in anger and then lashing out towards the person/thing/animal that triggered it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger towards s based on becoming irritated that she wouldn’t leave my room when I was working, and thus got more irritated as I allowed it to accumulate when she came back after I told her that I could not play, and she acted as if that did not matter at all. I realize that within this point of accepting the irritation and then fueling it through allowing it to accumulate in me is creating energy rush of annoyance towards s when she wouldn't leave and so I realize in this accumulation of irritation I will create anger based on in my starting point of fueling the mind as self interest instead of being here in the physical considering her and finding solutions within the physical as breath.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of becoming irritated towards any point in my world, I stop and breath, and do not allow it to accumulate as I realize that it will only cause more consequence, I stop and move myself to a different location until I have become stable within breathing and not reacting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of taking it personally when s does things that completely is not considering me or others in her world, and within this accept myself to get fueled by anger and irritation as I see this as a personal fu to me which I become resistant as I see it as an attack. I realize that within this, one, she is a child and thus using what she knows in terms of what she has learned to cope with what she is dealing with within her own mind of desires, fears, and different energies that is directing her and thus acting these energies out, two, she is not doing this within a personal attack but to get some point of self interest fulfilled due to the addiction we have created in our world, ourselves, and ourchildren to getting our desires filled, and three, she has no point of reference for a solution to this energyunless someone shows her as she is completely linked to the system and is living it, thus I realize I have to walk with her in solutions of common sense within the practical application of self honest, self forgiveness, self correction, and physical application of correction in her living, thus walk as an example for her so she can see another way that has solutions to these energies and that can practically be applied within her own self living.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of taking what s does to me personally as a personal fu, I stop and breath, and remain here within the physical by moving my body or walking around, do notcommunicate until the energy within me has dissipated and I am not in reaction, directing her into a point of stability for both of us, so the least resistance is met, and remaining stable with her so she can realize that there is points of stability within her life to look at and learn from that will be best for all. So push myself to remain here and stable, and support s in the best way I can in physical practical solutions, realizing that she is going through the exact same points I am with no sort of understanding or direction, and thus I commit myself to walk my process to correction as physical living in equality and oneness to be an example for others as I have been given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of self interest and attack as the ego in where I take what s did to me personally and see it as a personal attack on myself, where in within myself I will go into a defense mode as fearing I will lose my stability and standing in the group, and thus lash out on s in anger to show her that I am stronger then her and she is not going to be able to push me around. I realize that within this point of allowing anger as energy and ego to direct me, I will only cause more consequence within her and myself and create more of a separation between the physical and the mind as by accepting the anger into consequence by causing abuse in words and my actions of movement.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of reacting in anger, I stop and breath, and become focused on my breathing and the equality and oneness between life as myself, to remind myself that this point of attack is not real, it’s the ego at work, and thus I breath and do not allow my ego to direct me. Waking solutions with s in patience’s and stability to show her an example that she can always look to for support and never be in fear or in defense because I am here and stable to handle and direct all points within practical common sense solutions, I stop my self interest to win, and push to remain one and equal with all in my physical environment until I am here and can support unconditionally life as myself.


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Day 184 – Introduction to My Anxiety – Fear of Not Making It – Part 3.2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making it in this world due to the belief that who I am is not good enough or capable enough to live what it takes to become successful in this system. I realize that within this belief that I am not good enough, I am sabotaging myself within my starting point when walking this point of anything I am doing, and will not become my fullest potential because I am notseeing myself at the optimum I can be which is in equality with others.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this belief of seeing myself less then others and thus living this out in my actions of not going for things full out, I stop and breath, and do not accept myself to live into this point of self sabotage by doing things full out in the best I can and not participating in the thoughts that say I can’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of self sabotage within believing that I am not good enough compared to other people and thus accepted this fear of that I am not going to make it, because I am basing myself in comparison with the ideas I have in my head of what it takes to make it. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed pictures of successful people in business suits with nice and fancies clothes, cars and gadgets that look very proper and done up, and within myself believe that I can never be this way because I don’t see myself keeping everything together as I don’t have the patience’s to do so. I realize that within this point of judging a picture as more then me and then comparing myself to these people in the external world that fit this picture, I am creating the platform for self sabotage as I can’t compete with a picture in my mind I am holding as the standard of what success is as this is not real success put only living into imagination as the mind, and never truly living my own success within my own living in my own physical doing. I also realize that within this point of patience’s it is to practice and become consistent within the patience with myself to learn and thus physically practice and become proficient within a point of study so I can realize how to do something within understanding within each detail and each step that it will take, so thus embrace patience’s within and as my own self doing and living, and stop the rush to get things done within a heist of what others may or will think.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this desire to be successful and go into my mind to see what successful is through pictures and thus then go and compare myself to others who fit this picture and see myself as less then this because I don’t have enough patience to be successful, I stop and breath, and re-align myself with myself through physical movement. I stop my participation in ideas about what is success through pictures of people in my mind, so then to stop the judging of myself by not accepting myself to compare myself to others. Here I commit to find my own pace of becoming successful in my living in what it is I am doing in each moment, and learn and become educated in the fields that is necessary to help me understand and become more expanded within what it is I am interested in. I realize and commit to push myself to walk each step it will take to get the task done that are necessary to be done to get greater understanding in what I am looking and studying in to thus then become successful by applying what I understand to my living and so I can help others do the same and help myself be more aware of what it is I am living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making it and failing in life when I realize and see what is necessary to be done, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this fear in my mind because I am only looking within the point of my own self interest in not having this perfect picture of happiness in my mind, and thus judging all the points in my head that I find that are not aligning with this point as I am looking at things to be a certain way and expect it to go this way, but realize that this is not possible nor the way life is, so I stop and let go of this belief that happiness is a picture I have to live into, and start living within each and every moment that is here with no expectation of what is to come.

I commit myself to when and as I go into self interest in a point of desiring to have this point of happiness in my life, I stop and breath, and do not accept the fear that will come with this desire, by stopping both from directing me. I commit myself to live in breath, live in what it is I am doing each and every day, and commit myself to walk step by step into what is best for all within what I can do to bring this about, it’s not about the success of me in this life, but of all life and what I can do to help bring this about. I commit to let go of this desire to be happy in my world, and push myself to expand myself and grow in what it is I am living so I don’t allow any point of resistance or fear to hold me back realizing I am here in the physical and thus I use common sense to walk the process to my success as life in oneness and equality with all other life.

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Day 183 - Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Not Making It - Part 3.1

This fear is one of the strongest fears or more intense fears that comes up within me, this being the fear of not making it, within this, it can be seen as a fear of failing and not getting to enjoy life. Not that life is actually really enjoyable as there is so much suffering and hell being faced by so many currently, but still within this there is this inherint fear of not surviving. I feel this fear most with money and bills, I am currently in a transition period were my money situation and my security in the future is not certain or known, meaning I don’t have something definitive to show me where I am going to be and that I will absolutely be able to pay for everything. I really fear being not able to have money and thus this fear of not making it in life, so this showing the enslaved power money has over life as we have chose greed over giving all what is best in equality.

I have to face this fear as all do and realize that this fear is not me, is not real life, we don’t have to exist in fear, it is our choice and thus our creation that we have created such a way of life. This due to the ability of some having enough and others not having enough, and thus creating a platform of fear because the support is not a guarantee for all to have life, some will automatically suffer, and thus fear will ensue. We don't also recognize that those that have enough, will still be in great fear as they fear that they will lose this enough, and end up where they see there fellow human beings are at with nothing and in fear of death. Inherently we all realize that all need to be supported with the necessary conditions to sustain a decent life, but we allow self interest to direct our way of living and thus allow some to go without, creating a world of fear rather then a world of peace where all life is supported equally. We have thus been the creators of our own destiny as we live throughout the ages in this world, it's now time to take responsibility for myself as this fear, face it through writing and my living, and stop it from direct me and so I can come to common sense solutions in full awareness of myself as all life, and be a part of a solution that will support all life.

Within my own process, I am allowing this fear to haunt me into not being able to move myself and becoming in a state of helplessness, where I am going into blame towards everyone else around me not looking at the creator of this fear in my life, which of course is me. I find I tend to immediately go into a panic and always fear the worst is going to happen, and go into my mind and really make myself fear with thoughts of what could happen. This obviously is creating the intensity and anxiety within me, when if I was here and clear, I would be stable as I am creating it. I find usually the point is blown out of proportion and taken out of context, which when I let the mind direct me this will be the result, as the mind works on energy and the fear and my participation in it is generating energy for the mind. Also, I find a big point that I participate in and that increases the intensity of the fear is allowing myself to go into future projection as well as delve in the past happenings and allowing points to re occur and be recreated in my mind, creating illusions and living as if these are real.

Its important to always stay focused in my process that these points are not real, the fear, the energy, the thoughts and emotions, and that I am making them up. And so, the best way to stay stable and in reality is to stop the mind as the thoughts as fears, pictures, projections, and stay in the physical - stay in breath, and don’t allow the mind to wonder. It’s controlling the mind as self and directing it into reality, this takes self discipline and self will and will solve or thus enhance this issue with fear of not making it in my world, I always decide.


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