Day 12- Being Told I look Like a Boy and What this Triggered

I walked into work today, this is my night job, and I had taken a shower and was in comfy clothes like sweats because I have to do an overnight so I make sure I am comfortable. I also had my hair up in a tiny bun and a head band, which I haven't done for some time now because my hair has been too short so this is how these folks are use to seeing me with my hair down. I walked in and they go 'what happen to your hair, you look like a boy'. I reacted to being called a boy as feeling bad and small. I remember moments in my childhood where I would feel this feeling because I would be made fun of by my sisters or whoever about me being a tomboy. So when I was called a boy tonight, this memory of being made fun of for being a tomboy activated, and I went into inferiority and then into resentment and anger, and so my ego tried to diminish the ones who called me a boy. I didn't fully accept this, but I see that I am still being triggered by the word boyish/manly.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be offended when I was called a boy as I hold an idea that to be called a boy makes me less of a women and thus that makes me weak among others here, which I fear as I am desiring to be strong and be on top so my ego can win and I can gain power through being on top.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to be on top to thus have power and control over others so I can get what I want. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into weak/strong polarities and thus activate my ego personality as a point of competition to win and get my self interest met.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an idea that women who are masculine or men who are feminine are some how weak then women who are feminine and men who are masculine, we are all within and as our expression as human beings and thus to define ourselves within gender differentials is but another limitation that is not necessary nor relevant as I am equal with all as all here is equal with me no matter the gender, color, sexual preference, we are all equal as we are all life so thus we can live best for all life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be offended when I was told I looked like a boy as if these words define me and limit me in anyway, I realize that I am only limiting myself by creating energy within me of feeling less then and sad as I have an idea that being called a boy is not ok.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself by words from others in separation to myself as if these words have power over me and create limitation within me, I only am limiting myself by accepting and allowing myself to go into the mind and react to these words being spoken to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see the phrase 'you look like a boy' have power over me where I accept myself to go into suppression and anger due to me taking this phrase personally.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take the phrase 'you look like a boy' personal and define myself by the feelings and memories I am holding onto in relation to the words 'you look like a boy'.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto the memory of me being made fun of as a kid because I was a tomboy and liked to play sports and do more physical play and take it personally as if there was something wrong with me because I didn't act like the other girls and play with dolls and do normal girl things.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create the idea that girls had to act a certain way and if they were not in this way then they were seen as not normal and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into inferiority when I was called out as a kid for being a tomboy and made fun of as I allowed this making fun of to re-engage the point that there is something wrong with me and that I was not a normal girl because I didn't act how a normal girl should act.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see myself as less then other girls based on my preference to be more physical within who I am and what I do and to dress in ways that are comfortable for myself and my physical body and thus diminish this point of common sense and enjoyment for myself within an idea that this is not normal because this is not the way a women should act.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define a women based on what I see on tv as a person who dresses up in nice pretty clothes and wears their hair fancy with makeup, who is petite and flawless looking and exudes elegance within what she does and how she speaks.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compare myself to other women who are this picture and thus go into inferiority towards them as I see myself opposite then this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see women within this way as superior to me and go into resentfulness towards these types of women and jealousy as I believe myself never being able to be this way as I see myself as just not feminine enough.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an idea of what feminine is within limitation to holding onto this picture in my head and thus limiting my expression within being a women and thus defing myself by a picture that is not real as it is in my mind changing and morphing as my ideas change and morph.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold on to an idea of how woman should act and look like and limit me to ideas and pictures.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to limit myself due to pictures and ideas.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into anger and resentment towards women who I see within this picture of perfection because I am jealous based on the idea that I can never be this and I desire this for myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to be this real women as my idea of a perfect women in my head so I can get a real men who would only go with a women who is in this high stature as I created her as being flawlessly elegant, and thus I go into envy towards these women because I see that they will get the men I want and I will have no chance with that stature of man because I am not feminine enough.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into jealousy and envy towards women in my world who is this picture of feminine elegance within my mind, and thus react to these pictures within anger because I have created an idea that they'll be able to get the man I want and I will never have a chance at him because I can't match up to these women, I am just not that way.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to have this dream guy within my mind of a tall, muscularly toned, dark featured, and handsome man and thus compare all men to this picture I have stored for the man of my dreams when I realize and see the limitations and disregard for life within this hope and admiration of a man that doesn't exist and is separating me from all the men in this world as I compare them to this picture in my head that is not real and distorted.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have this idea in my head that the women I see as superior to me as elegantly feminine will attain the man of my dreams and thus go into resentment towards all women I define in this way based on me comparing them to this picture and reacting to my own idea that is not real nor true, but I am creating it by accepting it as real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to place ideas and pictures of how and what women within this world are going to be with men and then I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto resentfulness towards these women through comparing them with myself and thus defining them to be more then me where I go and blame them for stealing my dream guy and react to this in anger and frustration towards them.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto to a picture within my head of the ultimate male and female and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compare all life I come into contact with to these two pictures and thus go into energy reactions towards them based on my ideas about these pictures that they are superior to me and thus I go into abuse as blame and anger to diminish them so my ego as me has a chance to compete with them within my own mind as in reality I am in fear to compete with them.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see me less then any other being in this world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to compare and compete with other women in this world for a man and thus submit myself to ego games of competition and jealousy where I will create myself in a way of cycles of up and down due to the energy that is used of trying to be more then another and thus balancing out the equation with being less then, always cycling because this can and does play out everywhere if I accept and allow it to direct me the polarity playouts of energy as ego.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting this idea that there is a perfect man and women out there as a picture, and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define and limit life to pictures as I see and realize we are not our pictures and thus I see and realize that I am not my picture I am more then pictures and thus I must stop comparing and competing with myself as others based on pictures in my mind trying to make myself acceptable when I know to live peace and stable here I must live it within myself which is through acceptance and living this acceptance with all life.

When and as I go into a point of comparison to pictures and thus go into jealousy toward a female based on the ideas I hold that they will take the guy I desire, I stop, breath, and say 'these thoughts are not real'. I continue to breath and let go of all the energy built up of anger and resentment within me of not being able to live up to these pictures and so I will let go of the pictures as ideas and images in my head and live within acceptance as myself as the physical. I walk within physical practical reality and live life based on practicality and common sense, become principled within my living as a guide to who I am and walk acceptance as equals as all life no matter any point that may arise as mind energy. I stop the energy to react to any point of separation, I let go of memories of being made fun of and reactions of words, and thus stopping the judgment of all life as I stop it within myself.

I commit to stop separating myself into a picture world.

I commit to live words and re define them so they are best for all as I stop reacting to them through energy.

I commit myself to stop judging other women and comparing myself to them as I see and will myself to walk the correction of equality and acceptance of myself as all so I can live here as self within and as who we are as life as physical beings.

I commit to stop judgment and reactions in anger by stopping my participation within memories, ideas, and beliefs about life here and thus I commit to stop defining life from the mind and live within breath in common sense and come to solution that is best for all.

I commit to continue to accept all life equal and one to me and walk the correction of unconditional self expression in oneness and equality so all life can exist in the best possible way we are able to.


women envy, being a women, women secrets, trigger point, anger, resentment, resentful women, manly, tomboy, equals, equality, equal money, eqafe, desteni, 2012

Day 11 - D(i)esire to Please

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to please others in my world so they will have nice feelings about me and like me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use pleasing others to manipulate others to get what I want by doing things that they like in the exchange of them going to have to do something that I want instead of being unconditional with life here in giving unconditionally because within giving you will receive naturally as this is the way of life in equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to manipulate people by pleasing them so they will seem me in a way I prefer as pleasurable before I go in and tell them something they might not be pleased to hear so thus using the act of giving so I can have my own self interested desires met by giving so I can get as well.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to please others in a way that compromise my own self integrity by submitting as an inferior person to this being and thus deliberately trying to please them so they can see me as nice and accept me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to compromise my self integrity by accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself into polarity play outs of feeling less then and making others more then me when I see and realize there is no such reality as polarities of better/worse as all here is me in oneness and equality, life is here thus we are life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see life within getting what I want met and I do this through using the act of kindness in ways to manipulate life so I can be pleased in the end.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to compromise myself with a male and go into flattery and pleasing them for them to stay attracted to me and like me so I can remain with him. Thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to manipulate another to stay with me by acting to please within all of the points I know he will like to thus have him see me as cool and want to stay with me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to please my partner in sex even though I necessary did not want to do what they wanted to do, but gave into them so I could just please them for a moment and I could use this as leverage to get what I wanted later.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be calculating within what I do so I can also have the advantage and get what I want using pleasing others to thus get them nice and liking me and then go in and get what I want and desire so I can be happy in the end.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to manipulate others without there knowledge so I can control the situation and always remain on top and get what I want out of the deal.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into spitefulness if the other does not get manipulated into doing what I want within the pleasing gesture and thus I don't get to be on top and get what I want so I use spitefulness to justify my anger and harsh words and actions towards them.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to please people to their face but within my backchat call them swear words and judge them as less then me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting secret mind thoughts of abuse towards another and judgment when I realize I am only diminishing me as I am accepting the abuse within the thoughts to exist and the other is me I know this is fact.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be two faced with others and thus not be able to trust myself and others as I assume others are playing this out as well, thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to build my creation here as myself within manipulation and backchat thoughts of abuse and thus then create a kind face so I could be accepted and liked, but really only doing this for my own desires and needs.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to miss myself within others and thus go into survival as only looking out for myself and my interest and abusing others and thus in the end sabotaging myself as I am creating a separation with who I am as others as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not be unconditional with life here as I realize only in the starting point as equals can we be trustworthy and be in actual peace which I see for myself to live in for all, and thus I realize and see I must stop this point of manipulation through pleasing another and live here within unconditional giving as I see that within the giving I will receive as this is what life is unconditionally giving and thus is always satisfied as all is here in acceptance.

When and as this point of desiring to please another to get what I want comes up, I stop all thoughts and desires to please within manipulation, breath, and let go of all points of separation, accept the others as me and give as I would want for myself. I realize that the true gift of life is within the giving of ourselves unconditionally as this is where we grow and benefit all as well as ourselves as life as to give and not expect anything back as there is no need for the taking as this is the greatest peace as you are in equality and oneness with life and enjoying the living of this by giving of yourself without any need for reward. Life in equality and oneness is the gift of giving and thus to live as a giver of life in all that I do is the greatest gift I can give to another and give to myself as I will have nothing that I need as I will be here among everything.

I commit to stop all desires of pleasing for my own self interest and live here in equality as breath with all life doing what has to be done to create this world best for all here.

I commit to give as I would like for myself and so I stop all points of need from others as I realize all that I will ever need I have here as I walk and birth myself as life.

I commit to walk to life as myself and thus accept all as me and stop all abuse as it comes within me by letting it go as thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and seeing myself within all, living this until I am here as all in the physical as me.


pleasing person, I am to please, I want to please you, manipulate, wanting, desire  integrity, flatter, equality, oneness, life, journey to life, 2012, equal money, desteni, process, wiki,  eqafe

Day 10- The Cycle of Desire/Need and Jealousy - Part 2

Self Forgiveness on Defining Myself as Another through and as Ego-

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself by another being in the relationship of seeing myself in comparision to who they are and thus creating a value judgment about the relationship between us within a positive/negative polarity playout.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist within polarities as positive/negative playouts to any being within my world as a relationship definition to thus be able to have an expectation where I can gain energy due to the relationship definition I have created to the other being and thus going into the polarity playout of being able to gain energy if they live up to my expectation or not, either way I will be able to have an experience that which I am seeking to define myself by.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to seek out experience to thus define myself by and create more upgraded ideas and beliefs about myself to thus be able to create myself in a more refined way to be better then others and be able to gain good feelings thru my ego being exalted by others as I play the game of the system as win/lose scenario survival relationships.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to seek out these relationships where I am able to have my ego exalted and validated thus trapping another in my ego games as the cycle of positive and negative is lived until it has run it's course and the relationship die or the ego die as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to create a form of a 'need' in relationship to another being in my world as I have created this relationship definition and thus to know who I am I now need this other as a comparison point in my world so I can create myself from this, this based on the desire to be on the top of the polarity to gain the 'good' or  'positive' feelings and ignoring the balancing act and thus not using common sense that I will thus live out the negative feelings as well which i don't enjoy.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist only in the point of ego to gain energy from others in my world as I compete and compare myself through creating relationships of polarities and thus creating a race against myself to keep these feeling flowing as I sabotage myself with another to keep these relationships of energy continuing even though I realize it's sabotaging me and creating outflows of abuse and self diminishment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use my ego as my god to thus be able to go through my life and find the specific points as other beings who will be 'good' candidates to feed this desire I have to be seen by others as special and gain these feelings this create, but within this I am only using life for my own desires to be more then the other life here so I can exalt my ego and feel 'good' about myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe that what life is about is competing and having fun and being 'happy' not realizing and being aware that I am creating these fleeting feelings of fun and happiness through my own ideas of what this entails, and thus is always in the starting point of me being the best which is not real as life is not in separation as polarities but here within oneness. I realize and see that being the best within and as my world will cause me to be last as I don't consider the other equal and one to me thus I will lose myself within this cycle as energy runs out and illusion will die when I as the physical die. I realize I can only live as life if I am of life which is physically here within equality and oneness no mind, no ego, no competition.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use others in my world to get energy and thus abuse them to gain feelings for myself based on me not accept myself as the other and thus living within inferiority so thus I balanced out the cycle by existing within superiority, trying to be special, more, better then the other in relation to me because from the starting point I did not accept mysel fas one with life as who I really am anyway.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to compare myself with the others in my world and judge others based on the physical look, based on their intelligence, based on their abilities within physical movements or in any skill we engage in, and thus base my conclusion of the being in relation to me, I will not see the equality, but only see and live out how I can be better or exalt myself when I have seen that I am more within my idea of what is better within the points I just listed or take notes of where I can upgrade to be better.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold ideas of what is 'good' and 'bad' in relation to the beings I meet and thus size them up and compare myself and always look for a competition so I can see where i need to upgrade and refine my ego so I can be the winner and stay on top.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist within survival and believing that I have to stay on top and be the winner to be liked and seen as acceptable as I hold this on to others and defined them and accepted them based on these terms of living up to my idea of what is acceptable and what is not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto a definition of life here in separation as a polarity play out of good/bad to be able to define myself here and survive due to the limits I placed on myself by creating ideas and definitions of life on what is acceptable and what is not instead of realizing and understanding that there is no need to put limitations on our expressions as life and there is no need to be acceptable if one accept themselves equal and one to all life as all here is this in fact so it is recognizing and living the truth of who we are here as one and equal with eachother, that is everything that exists.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to miss the truth of who I am as life by being within the mind as illusions and definitions of ego personality play outs as pictures, ideas, beliefs, and thoughts that I had limited myself to by defining myself by this, so thus I realize to stop this polarity playout I must accept all here as myself and stop separating myself into ideas, beliefs, pictures, and thoughts that come from the mind which I realize is illusion and not real, and live here in breath and just stop participating in these limitations.

When and as this point of defining life and separating myself into good/bad polarity playouts within comparison and competition in my world arises, I stop breath, and push myself to stay within breath, letting go of all forms of mind energy and the energy addiction to gain from the life I am living with, but continue to breath, live in and as the physical, and walk one and equal with the other as me until this is a stable point of understanding in living as I see and realize that competing and comparing myself to other life forms to try and be better is not real as I see and understand as who I am is all that is here, there is no need to compete as I am only competing with myself, and thus be able to build self from this expression in equality to all that exist to thus create a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to stop judging and comparing myself to other beings in my world and forming relationships with them within the starting point of feeding my ego as energy polarity play outs.

I commit to stop separating myself into polarities and walk one and equal by accepting myself for who I am and seeing myself within and as each one I come in contact with and thus I commit to walk this until I am here equal and one as the physical.

I commit to stop comparing myself to others and stop the thoughts, ideas, and beliefs that there is a goal I have to reach, but remain here in the physical in the within practical solution of walking as equals so we can stop the separation of ourselves as I stop this within myself.

I commit to accept me here with all life and stop all separation until it no longer moves me.

I commit to stop the addiction to energy and live here in physical reality as what is real is here in physical reality and who I am is here as physical as my body is made of the source of life as physical living substance, and I walk to equalize myself and align with the physical substance of life that I realize and am aware I am.


Self Forgiveness on Jealousy

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist within the energy as emotion of jealousy accepting and allowing this to be real for me as I have separated myself from life and thus created this emotion as jealousy to compensate for the lack and inferiority I feel of myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting jealousy to direct me in moments where I have accepted and created the idea that I need to diminish and take down life around me as I am only seeing through my minds eyes as ego personality competing and thus defining myself by comparisons.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting me to compare and thus go into competition with the life that is here as I realize that I am only competing with my own mind and thus it will only stop when i stop my mind as separations and bring myself here as breath in the physical reality of where life is in fact.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to thus go into jealousy when I believe I have been treated unfairly and thus am not getting treated within a way I expect from another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to take what others do/say/act towards me personally and thus define myself within expectations of who and how beings should act and be towards me so I can have control over what is going to happen.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire control over what is going to happen with the people I am with and thus when it doesn't work out the way I desired I go into jealousy and blame towards others based on me holding onto an idea that I should always get what I want and then blaming someone and becoming resentful towards them based on idea of only having my own self interest in mind when their is a whole world of considerations and to be in ego is just an illusion I am accepting and allowing to limit me into diminishment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to abuse life within creating jealousy when I see another is not doing what I expect of them and thus within my backchat go into demonizing them and degrading them so I can be on top and have myself be the winner, even if it is only in my own mind. Here I realize I am only creating myself as the de-man as I devalued myself as life by separating myself from myself and then blaming another for my own creation and consequence of who I had created myself to be, abdicating responsibility and thus I abdicated my chance at being life in equality as I wouldn't give it to another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to create backchat as ego and jealousy to diminish others in separation because I am not accept myself here and thus not allowing life to live one and equal with what is here as physical. I realize and see to stop this cycle of desire / expectation and jealousy I must breath here and walk within the physical, become physical, and stop my thoughts that manifest the emotions/feelings/ideas/beliefs that separate me from the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not accept myself here and thus go into ego as wanting control and my desires met and when reality does not match up to this I go into resentfulness and become jealousy towards others, which cause abuse in my thoughts as I desire to take them down and diminish them any way I can.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be possessed by a certain person and thus go into jealousy when any other point come in and take the energy away from me that I was gaining from that relationship and thus go into sabotage mode to sabotage any chance they have with the other as my desire for this person overrides common sense and equality with all as I am existing in survival to continue the energy I am addicted to of my ego being exalted through becoming the best in my world as I see it through my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to sabotage myself based on not accept life here as is and needing validation and praise form others so I can feel good about myself and see that i am ok.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire validation from others as I see myself less then others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see life more then me and thus go into the energy playout of desiring to be more and thus allowing jealousy to playout as I am competing with everyone around me and having the energy of good feelings as praise become an addiction and when I don't get it I go into jealousy as envy as I see others get it and I want it so I abuse to thus get them on my level and then be able to compete again and have a chance at the good feelings again, only living from my mind as energy consumption as an ego personality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to become addicted to energy as good feelings and thus also become addicted to the polarity of that as bad feelings as they both give me a rush and I have accepted this as myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to limit myself within who I am here within energy rushes and so I see I must stop participating in the energies by getting real, stop existing in polarities in separation, and become humble as the physical as who I am.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to abuse life in separation to try and survive as I have not allowed myself to really live as i am not really living but existing within the mind as energy playouts. I realize I am not energy, life is not energy, and thus I must stop the participation in the energy as the mind as I stop the participation in the mind as I see and realize i ma life and life is eternally here, it's always been here, I have missed it as I have not been here but in my mind in illusional alternate realities I created as ego personalities. I don't accept myself to abuse life in self interest, so I walk in humbleness and slowly disengage my ego and stop the separation of myself as life here in the physical by accepting each and all parts as me step by step, breath by breath.

When and as these points of jealousy and desires for control of another come up, I stop and breath, and let go of the energy addiction, allow it to go through me through breathing continually and stopping the thoughts as they come, walking within acceptance of myself as all here. I stop taking things personally as I realize that we are all walking our processes and I can direct myself to walk in the physical which is equal and one, when I become offended by another I stop and do not allow the emotions of jealousy to be activated and lived out. I walk within and as acceptance of all here as myself and live as an example to show who we really are as life and that we are not limited to the mind as energies as I walk this process out of my mind and birth myself as the physical.

I commit to stop jealousy in all its forms, walk and continue to stop the jealousy within backchat and stop the acting out of it into the act of abusing another.

I stop separating myself into ideas and desires as expectations of others and walk as the physical equal and one to all as all here is me as life, this is how I would want to be treated thus I give this to another as I may receive it as myself.

I commit to stopping the abuse of life as myself as ego in competition and so I commit to accept myself as all life and walk in oneness with all as I realize life is a gift and I have to accept it as myself to live it for real.

I stop seeing myself inferior to life and thus I stop and commit to stop the polarity play out of competition through seeing life in this inferior/superior playout in comparison with me. I commit to stop comparing myself with others breathing here, and walking the correction of equality with all life as myself.

Day 9- The Cycle of Desire/Need and Jealousy - Part 1

Within growing up I have always played into this play out of desiring a person in my world to hang with, be around, and thus give me feedback in terms of who I am and what I am doing. Within this the starting point was always ego as it wasn't about me growing and expanding within my equality and oneness with the other in living expression, but it was to see how they make me feel, if they can see how 'special' I am, and so I can compare myself to these people and give myself a gauge to where I am in terms of creating myself as the best. So I look for points such as, do I match up to this person? Am I better skilled? am I better looking? am I smarter? Within this relationship play out over my whole life basically it has been about me in comparison and competition, to fulfill my self interest desires to be seen as special and the best to thus be able to exalt my ego as my mind in stimulation for these 'good' feelings.  This causing not an enjoyable stable life, but a life of turmoil and uncertainty as these relationships are always fleeting and no real trust is ever built as their is no trust ever built with self and nurtured into maturity due to the constant living into the mind dimensions of want, need, and getting 'good' feelings.

This then within being with other beings I created a need within me that I had to always have to have this being see me as the best, to be seen as special, to be seen as better, as I have now become addicted to the elixir of 'good' feelings that this generate when I am being exalted by another as my ego just eats this right up. So I built up this need for relationships with every point and person in my world, every being I meet it was in the starting point of gaining some 'good' feelings for myself as these feelings had become my reason for being, to be the best and to find those that will play into this game, so I can live in this great feeling forever. Just like a parasitic organism, which is not pretty as it sucks the life out of other living beings, but when I look in self honesty at the relationships we live in this world, it's nothing to do with 'love', 'union', joy with another, but about ego and who we can gain our energy fixes as we live on this energy to define and know who we are at all costs even if it's the harm and enslavement of other beings.

Within this play out of energy as good feelings we get with another in a relationship, we all know, what goes up must come down, all those who have played into the point of energy as good/bad feelings, and living out the chase to get the good feelings more and more, this we know will never last, the good feelings always run out, leaving us feeling empty and unfulfilled. The interesting thing about relationships is it can be played both ways, where each get there dose of good feelings, but always it will be brought with the oppositie polarity of bad feelings as you look within competition and comparison for your time to shine, missing self here within the other and thus fights' and jealousy games get fed. This is the game where we exist in fighting, then making 'love', then fighting, then love, and it goes back and forth, back and forth, but never being stable within ourselves with the other, because I as the being is on a roller coaster ride in my mind as I ride the energy of desires for more good feelings while coping with the 'bad' feelings that will follow as this cycle plays out.

Also, another point that plays out that I have found within relationships is the need to have someone always with me, here I realize this is so the energy can be continuously fed through having someone in my world who will play the game with me and give me the necessary energy I require as 'good' feelings to hold my belief that I am the best, special, and beautiful, all desires I have from a ego perspective to be better then others. Also, I see a point of fearing being alone as when I am alone I am forced to face myself and see that I have only been existing in my mind through desires and feelings, being miserable as this never lasts, and being all over the place as it literally is like a ride I am on that is too addictively pleasurable to get off, but I realize sooner or later it's going to die out and I am going to fall off the tracks, but not caring because for now, I am good. This the reasoning of the mind as it always stays alive as we continue to feed it as it contiues to feed off our life force using/abusing our human physical bodies as we lived day in and day out. (Suggest you go to Desteni or Eqafe and gain some understanding through videos/articles for more on this perspective of mind/physical relationship and who we are within it as life source/substance.)

When this relationship's energy starts to die out, I will have a new emotion and physical experience come up where I am jealous of any and all beings that get to that postion as equal to me with that specific being that I was gaining good feelings from, and I have been 'replaced' in my mind where I perceive as an idea  that I am no longer 'good' and 'special' within this relationship play out otherwise why would I be 'replaced', so the jealousy grows and gets fed through my anger and rage of losing that source of good feelings to another one who was in my mind is 'better', thus I allow anger and fuel my jealousy because I am not seen as good anymore feeding the ego as energy polarities going from good/bad as it plays out as we chase feelings as experiences in our world, a primary point this is played in is the relationship scenario as sex is an ultimate point of this good feeling generation.

So in this jealousy, I start the attack on the being that I perceive to have 'replaced' me or I perceive is gaining more energy from the being that I desire to have for myself. So also a point of possession comes in where I am possessed/obsessed with this being and exalt them as the 'best' because to be with me as in a relationship, to be my friend, you have to be the best because I only seek out the best within my idea of perfection I am seeking for and trying to live out within my world, so I seek for those that fit that picture to again feed my ego and make me feel special, good, because I am with my perceived perfection as a comparison to a picture in my head that I can then live up to and use as a gauge for myself as my mind. I go into this possessive point to try and hold onto the being, so within my backchat and within my physical actions I will diminish the other being who is now in the process of taking my 'place' where I perceive I will lose my energy source. Within these perceptions it then fuels my jealousy of this 'other' person who is gaining energy from my 'special' relationship and here I will go into manipulation to make them seem less then/inferior to me, I will diminish them at any chance I get as I see them as the enemy, we are at war and I am going to win. Jealousy fuels wars as it is in it's very nature has a potency to divide and conquer, this is what one want to do when you allow jealousy to direct you, it makes you nasty and it is an abuse to life as we seek to destroy that we see is in our way to source of ourselves as 'good' energy so thus we will abuse as we be'lie've this is the only way of life.

So points I realize within observing myself within this behavior and pattern personality play out is that it is a 'nasty' cycle as the relationship will never be real physical communication and intimacy with another because I am not here with the being, I am in my mind scheming, looking, pushing, forcing myself onto the other to gain energy as 'good' feelings as the being feeds them to me to get what they desire or want out of the relationship and I do the same to get my needs/desires met, so it's an addiction to energy game we play within relationships with the beings in this world fueled and continued to re-generate and exist through the jealousy polarity pole, to seek for a new source of relationship energy feeding or destroy the being who stand in my way.

These types of scenarios as relationships are not real and will never be real as I am not living within equality and oneness as life here within physical reality, I am in my mind in separation trying to live up to ideas, beliefs, and pictures to thus validate myself as I don't accept who I am as I am continuously in comparison with others and competing to be the best, which is impossible to be sustained as it's only energy that by definition will never last, it can't, as it is generated, where it's generated in our physical as the mind. In this play out as relationship I have written here, we see it is only for the mind as ego to gain energy as good feelings. It's an addiction to good feelings, believing that this limited feeling of good/bad play outs within competition and comparison is the only thing that exist for me here as I only exist within the mind reality, which is very limited compared to who we are for real, as one and equal with all of existence.

All the while missing myself as life, as life is here like in breathing, I am not here as I have no awareness of even the very breathes I am breathing when I am running around in all these scenarios in my mind beliefs, ideas, comparisons, competition that goes with relationships. I have realized the mind (link is perspective on the mind consciousness system which is inter-dimensionally placed system by the beings who created us) it is very limited, as it was never real, it was all an illusion, now when one realize this, what does that say about humanity/me? It says that we have been lost for a long while, but here is a process we are walking to realize ourselves as the mind and again walk ourselves into life, one and equal with the physical, it's cool to write this out and see the play out that is created within my participation as the mind, and thus from here I can write out the correction to thus be able to correct myself when I face these points again. This to create a world best for all life.

To be continued - Part 2 will include Self forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements..thanks for reading!



jealousy, relationships, competition, fighting, making love, boyfriend trouble, girlfriend, desire, need, obsession with another, possessed, demons, inner demon, mind reality, equality, self solution, cycles, desteni, wiki, eqafe, equal money, 2012

Day 8- Allowing Distractions

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into my mind as a distraction to not have to apply myself here within my living in task that I desire not to due as I don't want to put in the effort to see them through til the end.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to become distracted when I am about to write a blog or do a vlog where i go tool around on facebook or in forums, so I don't have to focus myself and get the work that is set in front of me to complete as I desire to get lost in my mind within all the interesting things I see online to entrain me so I don't have to move and actually push myself to work.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be entertained through outlets on the Internet so I don't have to walk out the points within self honesty and self forgiveness as I as my mind don't desire to look or go there as it will take time to walk the points out and get them written down on paper.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe that I have the option to just putz around on the internet as i have free choice to do whatever it is that I want to do when in reality I am defining each and every moment of my life in terms of who I will be and stand as in the face of this world and life when it comes to that point.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting laziness as a point of a way out and escape from having to put effort in and complete task that take time, patience's, and self will to complete as if I am not having any kind of consequence that I will have to face and that I can just do this because I just don't want to move completely abdicating my responsibility to myself and not only to myself but all those who don't have a voice and are suffering so I realize there is no choice but only for me and me as this world to stop the mind bs and stand up and get this process done.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting a point of heaviness within me as resistance within my physical as I feel weighed down from these points that I am accepting within my mind as task that I am defining as too annoying and too much work instead of stopping the laziness, stopping the resistances, and just getting to work completing the writing and staying here within breath walking myself to life as I realize I am not limited to my mind and resistances I am much more then this mind boundaries, I as life am boundless cause I am here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself by this feeling as being weighed down within the desire to not have to push myself and stop because I have created a belief that I just can't do it, I can't move past these resistances, I am just too tired to get this done.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the thoughts as beliefs that 'I just can't do it, I can't move past this resistance, I am just too tired to get it done' as I realize these are but beliefs that exist within the mind to stop me from moving myself so thus the mind as consciousness is able to have full control of my physical for energy to keep it alive, where I as the principle of my physical as life can and will direct myself into always stopping all points of resistances and beliefs within me as i see and realize these beliefs and resistances where placed within self so thus to keep self enslaved to stay inferior to the mind so the mind can stay alive as CONciousness.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to enslave myself through a mind system as consciousness within accepting and allowing thoughts, emotions, and feelings to direct me instead of me here directing myself as physical life in equality with myself as all life in the best possible livelihood for all here as I would want the best for me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to limit myself within accepting and allowing to go into distractions so thus I can stop these feelings as resistances and have a nice feeling again by being entertained and not having to move or push myself, but be contained and feeling good through the impulse of images that I can scan through and be stimulated by through thoughts, ideas, and desires.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to instead of using my time here effectively within going on the internet and learning, expanding, and applying myself within anything that I read, write, or move through, I waste my time in thoughts about celebrities or stories that have no relevance to changing this world to a solution that is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to waste my time here on points within this world that are not supportive and effectively directed to support a world that is best for all life, I realize and see that life is waiting essentially for humanity to take this one opportunity to walk this process to life and become equal with all and stop the atrocities we have inflicted on all walks of life in the quest for energy as an ego personality to be more.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into points of ego within and as me as I desire to have myself be more then another instead of realizing this, stopping, and changing so I stand equal and one to life instead of in separation, I must walk this in fact to live it by disengaging my ego and living here in practical reality as physical life as me here in breath.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe that I have time to waste as this life is so long when in fact this is a point of abdication within assumptions and illusions that I know when I will die and that I have time to waste as it will take many breaths to see this point of equality and oneness lived for all in fact equal to me, so thus I stop wasting my time and stop the delusion that I have time to waste as life deserve for me to put my all into this process as I see this is what I would want if I was in there shoes, those who have no voice.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to abdicate my responsibility to life in distractions and resistances within desires to do my own thing once in a while instead of getting real, stopping self interest, and walking my process in each moment stopping the patterns as ego personalities.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting desires to direct me here and miss me as the creator of my world and thus to change this starting point to be responsible for my creation I have to change my living to align within the physical, I realize no one else will walk this for me, this a fact. I am responsible to change me

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My Self Correction:

When and as this point of distraction comes up, I take a DEEP BREATH, and stop all thoughts, desires, and resistances from taking over, I move myself within whatever the point is and walk it to it's completion, I apply this until I no more have distractions or resistances to do anything on my regular responsibility list and simply do what is necessary to be done so to create what is best for all  until life is here in equality.

I commit to stopping distractions on the computer and in life, and thus align myself to manage my time effectively by allowing myself time to relax for a moment during my day, but I stop all points of taking advantage of this point. Walk the responsibilities at hand and thus become an effective system as life walking life for what is best for all in whatever comes my way.

I commit to stopping ego as desires to do something else, gain energy as good feelings, and follow temptation of gossip, and stand here disengage the desires and thoughts to gossip and gain energy, and walk whatever I see is practical to get myself back to here, to process, and to align myself with what is real as my physical in my movement when these thoughts or desires come up.




distractions, I am distracted, how to distract myself, bored, lonely, facebook, equal money, living, effective living, vlog, entertain self,desteni, wiki, eqafe, 2012, 7 year journey to nothingness, journey to life

Day 7- The Seeking of Praise from Others

Today I got an email from youtube, and I get these emails all the time saying you have a message, 99% of the time they are a video promotion or some sort of multi user send out. I got one oh these messages that said 'sup', so I went ahead and checked out the email. It stated in message, 'I really like your latest video.....' within readings these words I got a reaction of excitement, this pattern of reacting to be liked or seen as 'good' is the point I will apply self forgiveness on as it comes up allot where I seek to be liked and am boosted in my ego when I am liked by others openly.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to be liked by others because within myself I am not liking myself and thus seeking for assurance and acceptance within a separation of myself, which i realize and see I will never find and be satisfied as I am missing myself here, and thus will stay searching  until I accept myself here and am satisfied with self just being here and breathing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see myself as someone who needs recognition and accolades from others to show that I did a good job or that I am  effective to accept my work as acceptable, when I realize and see that this will only cause inhibition within myself as I am not really walking points for me, but I am walking points to get the praise from other people.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to get praise from others to show that I am acceptable and good at what I am doing and thus then decide whether I will continue or not based on the praise I got from it.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting this desire to be liked and praised to direct me into seeking if others like my stuff, if I got hits on my videos, and thus based on my findings go into a feeling. I realize and see that using this feedback to make myself feel good and thus causing the polarity effect which will always occur as they feed each other and that I am not always going to be praised thus causing a depression state which I see and understand is unnecessary if I just walk here and stop feelings.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be within ego in desiring to get praise so I can see myself as special and great when i am only living into this cycle of lostness as I see when I direct myself form this starting point of trying to gain a feeling I will never be stable or ever be at peace. I realize and see that through using my skills and being effective within what I do, using the feedback given in a constructive way, and thus not taking what I am getting as feedback personally allows me to not be swayed by these feelings of trying to be more then others, but accept myself as others and walk as equals doing what has to be done in practically for what is best for all not to gain energy for my ego.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to compete with others to be seen as better within what I do so I can attain this good feeling through praise so I can be happy for a moment. I realize and see that this happiness is not real as it is coming from a point outside me and doesn't last more then a few moments. I realize to live happiness is to be happy within my living and thus include all life as supported and equal with me, thus then we can live happy as we have created happiness as a living experience for all, this is real....feelings are mind generated through polarities and separating  me from life here to believe that I have to be more then another to be happy as the winner, the best, but this is not real as I am not one with all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to miss myself with life as I go and search for this happy feeling as being praised or being seen as good, and within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my starting point to be from a perspective of trying to gain this praise so I can be seen as great and thus be able to get these good feelings that I desired to get through making my stuff better then others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to separate myself from what I do here in the quest to gain a feeling and thus miss myself as life living and the opportunity to really live here in breath as equals as one with and as life as myself in self perfection in living.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting competition within my world due to the fact that I am existing as ego and desiring to be more then others so I can gain praise from others which then enforces this cycle of looking for good feelings, looking for praise, looking for acceptance, instead of being good within and as myself, being praise and giving myself praise within and as what I do, and accepting myself for who and how I am and thus coming from a starting point of self as equal and one within who I am here as life. Living from here as life instead of mind chasing feelings that will always be fleeting because they can never last as mind is energy and energy never lasts, life is here in equality and oneness and only thus needs to be aligned with equal to and one with self; life I see is unlimited as it is everything that exist.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to chase a feeling as desire which I realize is never real while life is here and thus require self direction, missing myself to really live and direct myself, by deliberating becoming lost to chase a feeling that is based on me not accepting myself for who I am and living in self interest to feel nice, which is self abdication and unacceptable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be in self interest due to desires of nice feeling while life is dying here and thus missing the opportunity to direct myself to be effective to stand equal and one as the solution as life in equality in all ways which is the solution. I realize and see I must stop ego as mind patterns and stop self interest.

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My Self Correction:

When and as this point of desiring praise or coming from a starting point to be better to gain praise and acceptance, I stop and breath and do not accept myself to go into the thoughts and thus then the living of this starting point of separating me into ego as competition. I breath and realize and walk that I am here as life and thus I do not need a point of reference as praise or acceptance as a feeling being generated within me, but I can live from self here as I accept all and thus always be this state of acceptance and thus support thru who I am as I give it to others and thus I live this equal within my world. I also see I will have to accept all points of myself and realize that I must walk the change to correct these points that are not aligned with life as I see that life is here and what is for real, mind as energy is just a point of desire to be more and seen as special which will never last.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts, words, and deeds within the starting point of gaining praise or good feelings. I stop creating myself from this starting point and commit to stop the self interest desires to be more as I realize it is separation.

I commit myself to accept myself here within as who I am in this moment and thus realize that I am here walking a process that will take many steps to live in perfection within this realization I commit to stop the self judgments and the competition as I disengage my ego, and live from a starting point of self equality with all that live here in breath.


ego, praise, seeking good feelings, youtube, video, equality, oneness, desteni, eqafe, wiki 2012,

Day 6 - I am an Anger De-Man

I exert my anger where I find that I am believing that I am more then another or where I blame and see myself as a victim, both I see are not real as they are abdicating my self responsibility to life as I am the creator of who I am and how I experience myself, thus I stop this through self forgiveness, and walking the change to stand equal with life in a way that is best for all.

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I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist within anger in my world towards any point that comes up in the statement that I see another at fault and thus am reacting in blame and creating unnecessary abuse as I exert my anger onto another. I see and realize that anger is but a manifestation outflow of not taking responsibility for myself and seeing self as a victim, I am here though and see that I am the cause of all that is here as me, and thus I walk the correction of stopping this anger from directing me through slowing myself down and seeing that I am the source, core, origin of why I am behaving in such a way as anger towards another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into a point of victimization towards my world and what has occurred with others and thus go into blame and energize my back chat of thoughts that I am the victim, I am the one who gets the short end of the stick, and I should not be treated this way it's not fair. Within this backchat I allow it to accumulate to such a degree where eventually I will go into an energy outburst towards others as anger and ruin any trust or equality built by accepting myself to demonize and diminish others thru exerting my force over them through shouting and calling them names. I realize and see within this that I am the cause, source, and origin of this deliberate abuse towards another by not controlling my emotions and existing in spite and blame towards another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist within spite and blame towards another being because I don't want to give up this energy as anger based on the sensation I get when I exert it and it releases the built up of frustration and irritation I have within myself, this feeling of release I have become addicted to and exhilarated by as it gives me a form of a high when I unleash it on others, allowing me for that moment to gain a release and feel 'good'. But I realize and see within this feeling of 'good' it will always come down to the reality of what I have done and created within my mania of anger towards others, which is regret and the living out of 'what have I done'. I see and understand that I am the cause of this and that I need to stop the accumulation of emotions and blame to not get to a point where I unleash and exert anger onto undeserving beings, I am the source thus I must stop this within myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be addicted to the energy accumulation and release of anger and in moments enjoy releasing it onto others as I feel within this moment more powerful and in control as a sense of dominance over another, and within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to separate myself into the belief that power and control is through dominating another and causing them to 'pay' for what I see is their fault. Within this point of 'payback' I see and realize this is a complete abdication to my own self creation of allowing this pattern to continue as I continue to participate in thoughts of 'I hate this person' 'this person is such an asshole, look how they just cut me off' 'aw will she just get the fuck into reality, and stop taking shit' and accepting these thoughts to direct me to separate me from the being where I have the false pretense that I am more deserving or more then this being because I have created these thoughts within myself as justification for the abuse and anger I exert on to them as accepting these thoughts as valid and true.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the thoughts 'I hate this person' to direct me in moments where I have the ability to stand up within myself stop the separation within  self interest, and walk one and equal within the persons shoes to get to know who they are, where they come from, and why they have created themselves in such a way to thus give myself understanding and assistance to stand with in finding solutions rather then going into ego and creating abuse within personality play outs of I am better then her/him.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the thought 'this person is such an asshole, look at them just cut me off' as I see I am only going into ego to see myself exalted as the righteous one to thus see myself more then another to gain acceptance for myself within myself as myself within the polarity of inferior/superior as competition in my world. Within this I see and realize that this justification of being better towards another due to the fact that I am existing in competition so I can be the winner is unacceptable as it causes separation and harm, this is unacceptable due to it be a self indulgence to go the easy way out and not have to face myself as the creator of this experience, I am the one reacting and allowing anger and competition with another when I see I can simply let them go, stop, and direct in a way of self responsibility to a solution best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the thought 'aw will she just get the fuck into reality, and stop talking shit' this again I see and realize is a point of exalting my ego so I can be seen as more then another being, and thus going into self righteousness where I believe I can call her out or inflict some sort of harshness onto her as I believe that she is just 'talking shit'. Where instead I realize I could stand one and equal with the other in an attempt to come to some common ground and see where she is coming from based on her whole perpective on things, where there is more understanding who she is as a being, and then from there direct myself within given perspective of my own, within common sense and working towards solutions rather then causing conflict.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exalt my ego in attempts of trying to be more then others and thus within this exhalation of my ego from and sourced within the thoughts i have created of being self righteous, instead of fully understanding and standing equal to that being, I am only creating conflict within my world and diminishing myself as I am being an abuser and causing harm to the life here that where I see I am harming me. I will always get what I create, thus I am the creator of  myself, I am responsible for my creation. I see and realize that the ego as self righteousness is just me not accepting myself and the anger is me accepting and allowing dishonesty to grow as I go into abuse rather then in self honest introspection to stand equal and find solutions to what is showing within my world as resistances.

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My Self Correction:

When and as I go into this point of thinking about others in ways that are self righteous and diminishing them, I stop and say 'No' breath through the thoughts as I stop giving them energy, and thus I see that the accumulation of anger will diminish as I am no longer fueling with thoughts and emotions. When I see and realize that anger is accumulated, I stop and breath, and apply self forgiveness for this accumulation point, seeing and realizing that the being I am taking out my anger on or am directing it towards is me, and thus I stop abusing me as life.

I commit to stand within thoughts of accumulation and energy build up by disengaging them through stopping the participation with this back chat of blame and victimization, and remain here thru letting the energy go through breathing.

I commit myself to walk with beings as we walk our processes to become stable here, sharing myself in humbleness of what I have walked to give assistance if I see the need, and create the best way for all to stop conflict and stop anger by pushing and walking this stopping within myself.


anger, demonize, anger demon, human hell, i am a victim, self righteous, abuse, self abuse, hate, responsibility, stop anger, living solutions, peace, journey to life, 2012, process, desteni