Competition In MY KNEE - Day 543

Photo By: Sylvia Gersson 

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I noticed after finishing my swim for tonight, I had a pain on my left k-nee(d), it felt like it was buckling in and this prompted me to lie down and investigate it further. What came up was a point of competition I was particpating in while myself and another swimmer where next to each other in the lanes, we kept passing each other and I was fighting myself to stop pushing myself to go fast and try and pass him and be the winner who get’s to the end of the lane first. I looked further into this and found that this pattern is one I participate in a lot and it’s a need to succeed and accomplish something, competition in sports is a great outlet for this pattern because it’s so clear the goal and a great chance of success. What pattern I saw existent within this desire to win, succeed, and accomplish things is a need to be valued by others and especially by myself, I am very competitive with myself, where if I do not succeed or grow within my life, I will create a depression type experience where I believe myself to be less valued, less worthy, and so lastly not able to compete, keep up, and survive in this world. So fear of survival is at the core of this pattern, where I believe myself to be only worthy or valued in this life if I am able to contribute something and compete to show I can, and within that seeking the best to feel better about myself.

What I didn’t realize is that this pattern is being fueled exclusively by my participation within it, there is a part of me that is seeking this feeling and this experience of being the best, being seen by others as worth something, and being able to within myself feel victorious in all that is able to be gained through being at the top and the best in a specific task or field. So my ego and self interest are equally pulsating as me in my actions and behaviors to move me in an intensity to succeed though within it I become unstable with fear of loss and fear of rejection at the same time. What I have learned through moving myself more and more into physical self directed movement is that there is a stability gained through living physically here that is unwavering in a way based on the very fact that I myself am creating the stability through what I have already lived and continue to live in each moment as my stand and my commitment. It is me, so I know and understand who I am within it which breeds clarity within self and thus stability in my enviroment.


When I go into ego, all bets are off as in self interest and ego you lose focus of the physical and of yourself, and you start drifting in thought streams that will take you with energy attached to them and then your on a roller coaster. So I have found that the stability of living my words, changing myself in my highest potential, and doing what is best is the best way to go as it’s the most certain and creates the most stability within self to create how I see fit.

I will walk some self forgiveness on competition and self interest:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my ego in self interest of being the best within my swimming today due to wanting to impress the man i was swimming against so I could feel worthy if we were to interact as he would know that I am a good athlete and thus I am accomplished in something in my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen by others as accomplished and good at things in my life because within myself i am feeling as if i am lacking in some way or another due to thoughts that I need to be better, i am not good enough, there are so many others who are better, and so create an experience that I am not as good and thus I will not be able to live the life i desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear of survival in this world due to what i have imprinted in my life where i see that you have to be good at something, and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself to the life expression that exist within myself and so exist within all that is creative within it’s very expression, and so i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my and others creative expressions due to this belief that some are inherently great at things and those who are not are not as worthy and so subject to life in compromise.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in to this belief that some are inherently better then others due to what they can do, what they say, what they look like, and so create this separation with everything that exist by putting everything in a box as good or bad and wrapping energy around this box pulsating positive or negative energy depending what i have programmed into myself to within that be able to have the high from time to time.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that separation exists in this world and so live into the survival system that was designed so I could feed off of the weak to be able to give myself a high once in a while, feeding off of addictive patterns within myself showing my own weaknesses, and being ok with a diminished and self compromised existence as life here in what is best in oneness and equality is able to be lived and is already here as me, though i must stand one and equal to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into addictions within myself as highs and so equally participate and live out the lows pretending that i don’t know what I am doing, when all the while I have been fooling myself and creating conflict in all areas of my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am not good enough due to an inherent belief that my dad is the top of my world and I would have to be like him to succeed though fearing this because i did not like the way my dad conducts himself in his words and behaviors.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attach the words accomplished, confident, strength, and courage to my dad and equally resist it because i don’t like my dad’s way of living.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself due to this belief that i have to be like my dad when i see, realize, and understand we are each walking our own individual processes here and I have the ability to direct myself in my best and within that i have free creative expression to do what I will, it’s all up to me and directed and defined by me.

When and as I see I am going into a form of self interest as ego wanting something or being driven to do something, I stop and breath, and realize I am activating my mind competition and so create chaos and instability in my world through play outs and timelines that will bring me back to the same point of self diminishment and feeling unworthy. I realize I have to walk the physical timeline of proving myself in my living that I am able to change myself into living words that are best for all and so best for me with the clear directive to walk myself change into a unique and individual expression that is boundless in the potentials of my abilities and creation.

I commit myself to walk the letting go of the desire to accomplish and succeed and walk the living word process of creation and self change as I move myself into pursuits of my own creation that I direct and push in the purposes of what is best for all and expressing myself in new ways that work.

I commit myself to let go of the belief that i am unworthy as I see this is created from thoughts and thoughts do not define me as I am not defined by a belief, I am defined by my living in what i create here and for what purposes.

I commit myself to push myself into the new redefined word of competition in pushing my self creative process into more expansive ways to move this process to life further to support more and more and walk what is best for all.

I commit myself to let go of the relationship with my dad as my director in my life and put myself in that position in self responsibility to not only walk my process to life in the best of my ability but allow others to walk theres and realize i am not responsible for everyone making it, each one is that for themselves.

I commit myself to push myself to move beyond my limitations and support where I am able to though allow others to walk their own process as this is where self growth and empowerment is born.

For more on how to walk the process of becoming physical and doing what is best, check out the links below.

Earth Haven - Sustainable Living Environments -
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Desteni-I-Process Lite Beginner course -
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

Self Supportive Material -
www.Eqafe.com

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Desteni Wiki:
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Eqafe Facebook Page:
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7 year journey to life Facebook group:
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Solitary Confinement – The Ills of Our Creation - Day 479

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I listened to the interview by Sunette on the horrors of what happens when someone is locked away in solitary confinement, how the mind activates and becomes accentuated because there is no other stimulus beside yourself and so in essence what one is thinking. I can relate to the way in which the person spoke in this interview in realizing the tremendous confusion and fear that can be created within one’s mind especially if there is no help or support within one’s reach. I of course can’t relate completely as I have never been in solitary confinement, but within my own mind and where I have been at my lowest, I can only imagine how bad it can be.

The mind can create really any scenario if one allows themselves to participate within the thoughts, for example, the thought of believing oneself to be dirty. In one’s mind, they see dirt on their skin, the clean it off, but still the thoughts come that they are dirty, so they see dirt and bacteria and microscopic bugs all over their skin, to everyone else around them it is clean skin, normal looking, nothing dirty to be seen. Inside the person having this ‘delusion’ the dirt is there, they can feel it, they can even see it, so they scrub their skin, the scrub and scrub and scrub until they make themselves bleed. The mind can if one is not grounded in reality by living and walking with activities and living beings here each moment, get lost as the mind can take one to more and more dimensions, deeper and more complex, this is what it lives off of, it is feeding off the energy these thoughts are creating. We all in some degree or another can relate to the scenario of the mind taking us places that is so out of this world and not where we wanted to go or exist within, but it feels as though there is no way out, this is all there is. But this is not all there is, there is life beyond the mind and this life exist within all living beings on this planet. There are tools to support one to go from the mind dimensions to physical reality grounded in what is real. This process along with the tools to bring one to self awareness is being walked by the desteni I process, so it is possible to direct one’s mind, free oneself from these mind constructs of illusion that can be created, and move into a stability within one’s living through directing oneself in one’s world and reality. The tools are here and it’s being walked by many.

In a world that is best for all, which is my starting point always, solitary confinement is a scenario which is unnecessary and rather abusive and unhealthy. The person who ends up in such a scenario is not benefiting or having any chance of rehabilitation within such conditions as even though the did harm onto others to get in that position, the act of forgiveness and self change should be available to all who are willing. Though I agree that a rehabilitation process should for sure be enacted with restraints dependent on the state of the delusion one is in to ensure the safety of others as well as themselves, this to be determined and understood with more real time feedback when a new system is in place that cares for life equally, which is the only scenario where the starting point of what is best for all is able to be fulfilled. Though I don’t see solitary confinement as a solution as it leaves the person in their own delusions and without any tools or support, it is creating more consequence within the person and within the environment they will end up in eventually or will cause death which should also be avoided as best as possible.

The structure of the prison system in general is a barbaric one where we lock people away as a point of out of sight out of mind, not recognizing or taking responsibility as a whole for why the person is there in the first place and having any care for the forgiveness and change that is possible for each one that is willing. The option and process should always be available to all to walk, where the facilitation of each person in prison or not should have access to, and support to learn and understand who they are as life and that the potential for the highest expression exist within all in the living principles of self honesty, self forgiveness, self change, and living what is best for all. Solitary confinement has no purpose in this regard, but to lock away a ‘problem’ that we in the end are all responsible for and in reality are equal and one with. We must stop locking our problems away, but face them, forgive them, and change ourselves to create solutions so we can change this world from a prison planet to the potential that exist here where all are living within a way that is self honest and best for all life in all ways.

Check Out these Awesome supportive sites:
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