A Lady's Journey to Life: Day 313 - What the Hell am I doing?

So I am here on the desteni farm, and just being here for a few days, I am already seeing much support and thus much change within myself. One of the main changes I am focusing on is stopping the backchat about judging myself. I have now gone through quite a process of writing to get to this point of being ready to physically walk this change, of course, it just takes a decision and sticking to this decision in every moment of breath, but for a long while, I realized that I used my backchat to stay within my accepted and allowed limitation of trying to be seen as someone who is more then others because i judged myself as inferior. This in a subtle way, like desiring people to think I am cool, wanting to be around me, and thus obviously within myself I am creating these same expectations of others immediately causing a polarity separation with me and my environment meaning there is a conflict of interest as the interest always should be what is best for all, but with this split, I am only looking what will be best for me causing the mind fuck I have been in for now way too long.

While being here for the past few days and sitting in some interviews with the portal, which will be coming out soon, I finally asked myself, ‘really, what the hell am I doing?’ I finally am seeing the change necessary to stop this point of self sabotage, it’s been a journey because it takes education to understand what you are doing and what you are creating within you each moment you think or backchat, I found this series, The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination extremely supportive in stopping self judgment specifically. Another supportive thing was Bernard said to me, “you are the only one creating what is going on in your head, no one else but you”, and this is so true, I am creating all sorts of assumptions and thoughts and memory imprints of moments in time, where I am using to judge myself and degrade myself as well as make myself more and better then others because of the constant cycle play out of seeing myself inferior and using others to make myself feel superior. So it’s the cycle of competition and trying to win, but in the meantime it’s having quite an effect on my self stability and how I see myself in reality because the focus is squewed, it’s never been about me and who I am within myself, how I am standing, but about what others think, how others see me or treat me, and thus only from these assumptions within myself I live my life thus creating much self compromise.

And so the backchat is always geared towards preying on the ‘weak’ around me, who I can find that is not as strong as others and then go ok, here I am ‘better’ then this one, so I can get a bit of energy to last me for a while until a new occurrence happens where I have judged myself and go back into negative energy feelings as bad, sad, you know those emotions, and then I will search for that positive energy again. So it’s like seriously, what the fuck am I doing, what kind of person am I creating within myself with these types of thought patterns, this type of nasty back chatting of abuse and scheming I am participating in, a nasty person who is completely self compromised because all this cause within me is paranoia and conflict within myself and thus in my world making me lost. I am not able really to discern and direct myself in a way that is functional and effective as I could have with my mind clear, my mind here, my mind focused on what is real and practical, but allow my mind to go haywire and all over the place with these constant comparisons and mind assumption story line patterns repeating themselves over and over again searching for positive energy in the way od self compromise and abuse to others as well as myself.

So I have started to really force breath awareness and stopping every pattern thought that comes through, all patterns of judgment or comparison in my mind seeing them as the realization that they are purely assumption and thus not something to follow, and breath through all reactions that come up of emotion or feeling, and continue what I am doing in the physical. If I do react, I note it and continue to walk by letting it go, stop focusing on it, and allow it to dissipate through time to end it’s connection to me as a memory. It is not something that has to define me I have realized, yes, I may have reacted and made a mistake or said something dumb or something like that, but I don’t have to terrorize myself, but can simply let it go and continue practicing breath, living from the physical, and moving myself in the principles I realize are true and best for all which is best for me, life is one in all walks that are here and we are equal within this fact. I simply have to continue on this process of accepting myself, letting go of the mind components of self compromise, and stick to breath, focusing on what is real as the physical and my living within it to become the most effective I can be through clearing and focusing my mind on what is real, aligning it with the physical reality equal and one to life which is in the end equal and one to me if I dare.

This the true path to freedom and total self awareness and becoming the utmost I can be because I am in the reality where this is done, here in the physical, in my mind it’s there and it’ can get very messy with the judgments, desires, backchat, emotions, feelings, so I stick to breath, stick to here as what I am doing physically, and walk the process to change self in this manner with self forgiveness and self correction in living. Also, a cool point has been developing since i started walking this and it's a self appreciation because I am really seeing me from a point of equality with my environment and thus in my body, this for the first time really within a point of self decision probably in my whole life, and it's like a weight has lifted off my back essentially because I don't have the pressure of trying to be someone or do something to show I am this or that, but simply be me and live and enjoy what is here, it's really that simple.