Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Day 80- Lost and Found

So am postponing the point I have been walking in regards to Men are strong, Women are Weak as their is a point or a few points that came up today that require some self forgiveness and correction immediately.

I work for my father's business, and so he asked me today to investigate a gadget he is having some issues with. I was in the process of investigating the issue, and had to go in his office to check on some things while on the phone with tech support. As I was sitting in his desk, I had the thought that 'I should look and make sure my passport is in where it's suppose to be'. I checked the spot where they always are, and all the other usual passports were there, but mine. Immediately, I go to blame and the memory of where when I told my mom I was going back to SA and she said kiddingly, she is going to take my passport and hide it. So I assumed that she took it and did something with it, and I within myself allowed the rush of anger and thoughts of blame and diminishment to start to accumulate.

I went to her desk and asked her, 'did you take my passport?', she looked at me and was uncertain. Last time I went, she did take it and put it somewhere and so she couldn't remember if it was the case this go around, so she was uncertain and was worried and upset the whole day because the passport was missing, and I was assuming and essentially blaming my mom that it was her fault that the passport was gone. Later, we figured out it probably was not her because she was 'pretty' certain she didn't take it and my dad thought that she didn't take it as well, so my next victim of blame was my ex-boyfriend! whom I haven't seen or really talked to in months now. So started to accumulate thoughts of blame towards him, and follow them, where I wanted to text him with some attitude and ask him where my passport is because I assumed he stole it somehow as a memory I was holding onto of him.

This call didn't occur because I looked in the spot I was figuring it was, and I found the passport, the same place I put it few days after I returned from the farm about a year ago. So to correct this point, I see I have to walk the point out in self forgiveness in blaming others in an attempt to prove myself right and that it has to be someone else's fault because I don't make mistakes, and trusting memories as real life when they are essentially made up with an origin I don't know nor can't remember myself. So being self righteous and abusing others in an attempt to prove this point to myself, and using others as collateral to make me as ego more within the attempt to be seen by others as the best and right.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to assume that another is to blame before I physically investigated all the scenarios that are here to be investigated and find the solution to the issue that was at hand, in this case where my passport had gone. I realize and understand that when I go into an assumption it is based on my mind ideas and beliefs based on memories that are not here but from the past where it is distorted and not accurate as it is not real, but coming up within illusions of pictures and thoughts that I am not certain of as they are coming from a place within me that I can not tangible investigate and find it's origin/source immediately thus I realize I can not trust it as I am not absolute as here. Thus I realize and see it is always best to walk the physical, stop the thoughts of assumptions as memories and find the solutions to the problems at hand as that is what is the matter, when I go into the assumptions, I am going into the mind thus deliberately abusing life for my own self interest as I see that this point of going into the mind is me trying to prove I am right, and thus abusing life within the name of self interest as memories as illusions coming from the mind which is not absolute but uncertainty.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into the mind and abuse life within my assumptions about the matter at hand and thus immediately go into ego and find fault in another because within myself I am 'believing' that I am right. I realize and see that when I go into assumptions as belief that I am not actually here in reality and thus I will compromise myself more times then not as I am not on solid ground and can easily be misled as I can't see what is here as memories and thoughts aren't here, but in other dimensions which aren't tangible nor substancial, so easily I am able to get misled and lost within it, thus I am not here and lost. So I realize when I walk within and as the physical in the points where I assessed the passport could be without projecting blame and stopping memories and thought accumulation, I would have walked the steps to the solution as the point that I found the passport in was my initial assessment and was able to be physically walked and resolved if I but made the decision to stick to the physical and walk what is here in equality and consideration of all as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into blame towards my mom and my ex boyfriend based on this desire within myself to be right and others wrong, so I can prove to myself like tallies on a wall that I am a winner and that others are loser because I am still desiring to have power over others where I want to be seen as the best and gain that acceptance of this from others. I realize and see when I allow the thoughts to accumulate of blame towards others I will use this to gain power for myself and thus use this energy as the thinking generates to fuel the ego and cause the abuse that will be the outflow to the emotion and feeling reactions that I participate in when I go into blame and separation towards another. I realize and see when I miss reality as I am stuck now within the thoughts and the accumulation only grows as I am fueling the energy as these thoughts and thus I act out this accumulation of thought energy that I have fueled now by thinking about it where I yelled and got angry at my mom and was about to call my ex boyfriend and give him some attitude to show that he is in the wrong and I am the one who is going to be right so thus fueling my ego, separating myself from life and abusing life, which is accepting the mind and my own enslavement as I realize I am not my mind as accumulated energy, but life one and equal to all and thus have the opportunity to live this if I but will it.

Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into blame and anger towards my mom and ex boyfriend based on the fact of this desire to prove to myself that I am right because I desire to be seen as the best among others and thus when I prove that I am right within such instances where I call another out and then was correct I will use this against others to make myself look better and diminish the other so thus I can grow in my ego presence and show that I am dominant, I am the best, and thus I am very smart because I can see that others are doing stuff 'wrong' and I was 'right'. I realize and see that this whole play-out of blame and being 'right' is a game I am playing with myself because I am not accepting myself and thus using others to show myself that I am smart, I am right, I am better, because within I am not seeing myself as such, so abusing others for my ego to feel good and thus abusing life for my own limited happiness as acceptance through energy accumulation as separation which will never last and very limiting to how I realize I am as life one and equal as this physical existence as I am life and I am physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into backchat blame towards my mom and diminish her within seeing her as dumb because I was judging her that she can't remember anything instead of standing here one and equal as her as myself and seeing that I didn't know if I took it and put it somewhere or not thus seeing I am doing the same thing I am blaming her for and using backchat as a secret point so I can feel good about myself while another is compromised but I realize I am only compromising myself as I am showing life who I am as an abuser as I chose energy over what is best for all thus I will lose in the end as I as energy will end.

Thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abdicate my self responsibility to stop the blame and projection onto others and investigate for myself what is here to be investigated, stop the blame in an attempt to not have to face myself as 'wrong', and stand as the solution where I accept all as me and understand that all points must be considered before I rush to judgment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to live within the polarity of right/wrong towards life and what is here within my world and instead walk with life in equality and realize that all here is me and that life here is not trying to harm or do me wrong, but walking for now in 'imperfections' until we are here as one in perfection, so it's to understand I am the other and that I am the 'fault' thus I myself have to walk the correction and stop the faulty living within and as myself as I am it in the moment it occur anyway as I am the creator of all I am living and experiencing within and without of my world as I am all that is here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to blame my ex boyfriend and thus follow thoughts as memories of him in the past were I blamed him for what he had acted like and thus held it against him and still am not seeing that I accepted and allowed it within my world and thus am participating within and as this point myself, so it's to stop my blame and the memories in relation to my ex and walk here within self correction were I equalize myself with the life here as the physical and walk with those that are here to walk with and thus stop my blame by stopping the memories of the past and support life here one and equal to how I would like to be supported.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse life for my own happiness and thus disregard the physical reality and what is actually happening here and only be a mind as assumptions, blame, and disregard to life. I realize and understand that this is not who I accept myself to be, I am life and thus I am not only a proving point and a desire to be more, but am here with and as life in equality and thus I can in a single breath stop this participation of blame, anger, projection, ego as self righteous, memories as thoughts, and stand in equality in the physical and come to practical solutions where no one is harmed and life is honored. I realize to walk a new world as myself I must stop the blame and ego as self righteousness, and walk in humbleness as the physical reality to solutions that support all and consider all equal and one to myself.

Self Commitment Statements to follow.

blame mom, lost passport, blame your ex, my ex did it, its not my fault, he did it, lost and found, memories, living in the past, equality, equal life, equal money, eqafe, desteni, journey to life, passport, travel

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