Looking at this point that came up within speaking my vlog tonight about the point of me and judging myself as not being feminine enough as a women. I see within myself I have created an idea since childhood that women are weak and men are strong, so thus lived into this point of being more masculine/male because I desired to be strong and seen as strong as I was a competitor and wanted to be seen as the best within all I did thus I had to be the best and thus I saw I had to create myself more as a male. Within myself however, I have an inclination to be more masculine in terms of my expression, so I am this within my natural expression, but will not and do not limit myself by any sort of definition of how man and women should be or define ourselves by, but simply live in how we see that we would like to express and be free to express in this way equal and one to all in what is best for all life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to from my childhood create an idea that men are stronger then women based on the way my parents were within their relationship where I saw my dad was more dominant and was the final say in terms of the decisions of the family, and my mom was more the one who was the care taker and had a say, but not like my dad who was more forceful and dominant then my mom. I realize and see within holding on to this idea of my parents as strong and weak in terms of the layout of their relationship and the dynamics of our family structure that it was based on the structure of the family system in society of how men were seen and pushed to be the strong and heads of the household and thus seen in a more of an authoritative and dominant place within this world/society/family and is not what is real as I realize what is real is that we are equal and have equal responsibility to create whats here in all facets of life to be best for all and not separate ourselves into gender roles as strong/weak based on society standards/traditions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto the idea that because of what my dad was like growing up as dominant/strong/a decisive force in my life I assumed and associated this is what all men were and that they within themselves are the ones who are able to take on more of a leadership role and do the points within the physical that take strength and are challenging, were I identified myself and related to my dad within this because within myself I had the desire to be in this way as well, strong physically and capable physically to handle and do what is necessary to be done to get things moving and solve problems. I related to my dad and thus became more infatuated with him were I saw him as a 'god'head and that he is the one that is the best in my family because he is strong and I saw that he can do anything, he was able to always fix things and answer all my questions that I came up with, and thus grew more of an infinity to him and grew a desire to be like him because of the power I saw he held within the role he played in the family. I realize and understand that my desire to be strong and the best within my world placed judgments on points within my world, where I defined others by this strong weak point based on the idea that those who were strong physically, dominant, and decisive where the ones I wanted to be like, and thus I associated the strong with male as the figure in my life who exemplified this was my father. I realize and see that strength is not defined by what one can do physically or who one is within their sex, but is based on who one is within their living and how they are in regards to life, do they live in equal and one to others and respect others and self in this regard.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto a desire to be like my dad growing up because I desired to be strong and seen as strong by others and thus I push myself to be within this male role and push myself to compete with men so I can be within myself knowing that I am the best because I can beat men and be equal in what I am doing and essentially prove that I am just as strong as men.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself within myself to desire to prove that I am able to compete with me to myself as I held a standard of perfection within myself and I would only see myself as this perfection point if I was able to beat all points within my world and I saw this within beating men as they were the strongest and the competition was always based on sports.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to beat others and define myself as the winner.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto a standard of perfection and push myself to be this winner so thus I could see myself as perfect.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see life within strong weak within physical capabilities and thus define life within this way.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see life within a strong/weak polarity based on dominance within the demeanor of the being and always associate and connect this to being male based on the stature and shape of their physical and their role within society as the head of households.
To be continued....
2012, desteni, eqafe, equality, father figures, head of household, journey to life, men are from mars, men are strong, men vs. women, women from venus, women weak, family make up, family dynamics, family ties, mother, father roles