Back chat of winning, spite, and reflection of self dishonesty through Annoyance - Day 20

 Hi, I am working through my mind after a significant 'fall' where i had to face some reality consequences that made me realize the requirement of movement that is needed in the process from birthing from the energy of the mind reality as illusion into and as the living reality as self creation through living/action in words as self forgiveness and self correction - for more on some insight into this point and where it came through check out this chat - 1. Saturday 19th May 2012 - Desteni Forum 

When I am annoyed I see that i have some memories in me, mainly toward my sister whom i work with and spend a lot of time with, we are in a setting that is fast paced and i am her manager, so in this environment there are certain common sense expectations that are required. But for me i see my memories are of backchat of becoming angry that she is not listening to my 'direction' and not following the 'rules'. I have justified this anger/annoyance within a point of self righteousness and believing i am stronger and better at my job then her, which in turn in my mind as backchat make me think that i am thus able to bully her to a point where it makes her move quicker, do what i want, so this point of belief 'i am better at my job, she is so slow', creates in me my self justification to push her outside of proper guidelines and limitations and make it emotional where one is wrong/bad and the other is right/better. 

This cause in her an imbalance in the work day without a clear direction of her environment directives, but she is more on guard and thus more in her mind, self compromise, based on the bi-polar nature of myself becoming annoyed/emotional when a mistake is made or point not understood in its best potential. This stems from my ego, believing that cause i am at this skill of being on task and timely to a degree of efficiency for the office setting, i am thus able to diminish another who can't keep up.

This does not say anything about either one in terms of self definition and self creation, but it does say within me that i am being spiteful and evil in my interactions with another in my environment who is my equal, is me in another life, and thus is what should be valued before anything else, the equality and oneness of each one. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see person x as a being that i can bully and push around cause i am stronger and thus able to as the capabilities are at my advantage and i am more able to stay stable, and thus i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the backchat that this being is weak and thus able to be pushed to extremes due to my desire to be right/get my creation in place thus control the outcome and creating a way where i get what i want.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of self righteousness where i allow and accept thoughts as 'i am so much stronger and smarter then her' 'she is so dump' 'she is so slow' 'she is losing us money' 'she doesn't listen to me' 'she is trying to ruin my leadership abilities and direction' and 'i can't stand her, she doesn't obey'. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed at another for there life and living reality in this moment equal and one to me as this moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the other where in i see the other as my enemy/competition, instead of seeing it as me and that i require to walk in the others shoes to find out where and how can i support them equal to how i would want to be supported and live in a way that is best for all. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am within and as a point of self defeat when another in my reality doesn't walk my expectation and so i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control and force another into my will and direction in a way of force and degrading.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be better/stronger cause within my backchat i am speaking things that are not real, and are harmful which is evil, which is not best for all life my commitment and principle of living this life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead of standing as an equal to the other and supporting them to be the best they can be, i stand as a point of harm and degrading where i am gaining superiority over her and feeling more powerful and in control through the feeling of success and victory when in reality i am destroying and diminishing something i would not do to myself and not want done unto me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the other as myself and understand within the interaction what can we do to support each other within a point of self care and self support where both the environments are made to bring through the best for each other and what make practical common sense to allow both the opportunity to become stable and get the work done that needs done in a timely way.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the backchat of judgment thoughts toward other and self glorifying thoughts toward myself for being strong. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed my ego as self interest be my driving force in the work place towards others instead of sitting in there shoes and finding solutions that will ensure all are cared for and all have the ability to be the best the can for the position they are in where things are clear and understood to the best of my ability to get it lived out into completion.

I commit myself to live the words self discipline within stopping my back chat about winning and being better, breathing, and not allowing thoughts of judgment or any thoughts of harm. 

I commit myself to flag point annoyance when or if it comes up showing to myself that i have fallen in self interest and trying to win.

I commit myself to recognize that i am going into ego as a point of self righteousness self glorification, because i am not in control of myself and feel inferior.

I commit myself to embrace the other as myself with love, care, gentleness, and clear direction of common sense as i would myself. I commit myself to use breathing and releasing the energy through physical activity and breathing to no longer direct myself with energy as mind in thoughts and shooting/harm/self glorification, but real living that is an equal and one support for all as i'd like for myself. 

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As Within, So Without - War and the Desteni I Process - Day 538

Here speaking on the principle of as within, so without, in relation to the creation and proliferation of war within our world. How have I changed my view on war and myself within walking the tools of the desteni i process, and what have I learned about human's active participation in war and how it relates to ourselves very intimately. There is a part two to this as well, which will be posted tomorrow.

Check out the links for more on the process at desteni:

Desteni-I-Process Lite Beginner course - 

www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

Soul - School of Ultimate Living - Create yourself through Words!

www.schoolofultimateliving.com/

Self Supportive Material - 

www.Eqafe.com

Forum support: 

www.forum.desteni.org

Desteni Wiki: 

wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page

Eqafe Facebook Page: 

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7 year journey to life Facebook group: 

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DIP Lite on Facebook: 

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Living Self Courage – Forgiving the Fear of My Mind – Day 428

Artist: Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become afraid of my own thoughts I am thinking and react in shame based on the context of the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will judge me for the thoughts that I think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my own mind and the thoughts that I think, realize, seeing, and understanding that the thoughts are not who I really am and I have the power to stop them, but I can not deny them as I am the one participating in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my mind as demented and become ashamed at how I have been existing within my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to become shameful for what goes on in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am alone within how I am experiencing my mind and that I am bad for thinking in such ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is something wrong with me for the way in which I think about my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind determines and defines who I am and that within my belief about myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that I am less then others because of the way in which I have judged my own mind as bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within my own mind in a way where I fear certain parts of it and believe that I can’t move beyond these fears and mind points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can’t move beyond my limitations I have believed to be true as me having something wrong with me and that I can’t move beyond this belief of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive this relationship of having something wrong with me based on the way in which my external body looks and memories I have held onto of me as real to define who I am in this moment here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my self when I say in my mind that I am less then others and that looks matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is based on the belief that I am a less then capable being and that I am not good enough to make it out of my mind and into physical living here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist looking and facing my mind because I knew I would have to face instances that would make me uncomfortable and question myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is based on the beliefs I hold about myself in my mind rather then questioning these beliefs and seeing who I in fact am within my physical living in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about my judgments I have about myself for fear of being weakened in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can become weakened in the physical based on sharing myself in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and so create the belief that some are weak and some are strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind is more powerful then me and I can’t walk and let go of my fears when I realize it takes only my self will, I can decide in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being misunderstood and so judged harshly for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged in anyway by others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet accepted and allowed myself to see that I am the only one judging myself and so holding myself in these judgments until I release myself and stop judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto these judgments so I don’t have to face these fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto judgments so I can continue to get happy energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to have energy to feel good.

When and as I see I am going into a point of judging my mind and going into resistances to look at a point or points within what is coming up in moments within my mind, I stop and breath, and realize that going into resistance is only disempowering me to do anything about the thoughts and or my mind patterns coming up, and so I realize I have to accept myself as my mind, look at it in common sense and self honesty, and stop taking it personal.

I commit myself to stop fear and see directly what is here through breathing and slowing down in the moment to expand myself within what is here.

I commit myself to breath and let go of all resistances to look and investigate my mind and what is coming up within it.

I commit myself to breath and let go any point of judgment or comparison I have towards my mind or my world as I realize this is disempowering me to change.

I commit myself to face my mind in every moment it comes up and move myself to walk the change that is necessary to align with life and live what is best for all.

Interview Support on the Blog Topic I recommend:
Insecurity: Introduction - Atlanteans - Part 148
Insecurity: Self Forgiveness - Atlanteans - Part 149
Insecurity: Insecurity-Confidence Polarity - Atlanteans - Part 150
Confidence: Self Forgiveness - Atlanteans - Part 151
Confidence: Practical Support - Atlanteans - Part 152
Confidence: The End - Atlanteans - Part 153

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Related articles

• Day 436: Suppressing In Fear of Expressing
• No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312
• Stifling Self Through Suppression - Pt. 2 - DAY 306
• Day 261: FEAR of Disease
• Day 132: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part2)

In and Out of Reality - Day 376

Visit more cool art here: Desteni Artists 

Featured Artist: Andrew Gable 

Today I scratched my car that I have had only a month, I immediately went into a constriction and an anger of ‘shit!’ like really getting angry that that just happened, and immediately wanted to blame someone else and just rant and complain about it without realizing and taking responsibility for myself within the act of scratching my car. I was not paying attention and the entrance to the driveway is quite narrow, so it indeed needs attention, so based on a desire to be in energy within that moment that I was speaking to another, I lost this focus and scratched the car. I realized I was also in my head a bit anxious and with other things going on, where I wasn’t here focused on driving in reality, but in my mind thinking many different things out there.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my mind into consideration more with thoughts and feelings/emotions overwhelming me rather then being here in reality and focusing on the real world of what I was in fact doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow an anxious energy of fearing the unknown overwhelm me to the point that I was in this head space of thinking about what is to come and what is to be, and not here within the reality that I am living, missing it in fact and causing damage to the external.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress others and ensure others are ok and taken care of within my mind and allow the reality of what I am doing become secondary, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself in reality and focus on the mind as ego to impress of others and so not consider the way I am moving and acting within my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put others lives at risk and the safety of the environment around me as well as myself with not being here in my body driving, but being in another dimension in my mind half focused on what I am doing and so half paying attention to the mind in trying to follow it and define myself by it.

When and as I see I am going into a point of becoming distracted and not focused on what I am doing, I stop and breath, and refocus as I realize I am not considering my environment and so can cause harm.

I commit to breath and refocus my self into my breath awareness and my physical body.

I commit to stop blaming and complain about my actions, and simply walk the change of stopping my mind from directing me.

I commit to let go of fear and walk with others breath by breath here in expression of myself.

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Day 319 – Why Do I Care So Much What Others Think of Me?

This is a question I ask myself often. Many times, I have talked to people here and they bring up a good point of, ‘it is quite strange that one continues to care what others think of them over and over again’, like wasting a life on just caring what others are thinking of self all the while one is completely missing the opportunity of life here right within the very ‘Me’ I am questioning.

I have come to the conclusion as a realization that caring so much what others think of me is because I am not able to see myself, I have created such a relationship of abuse towards myself that I am not finding a stable ground to even get a grip on who I am here and what I am actually participating in. I am participating in an action with the result of sabotaging myself and my opportunity at the life I can decide to have if I dare. I have tools, I have skills, I have my physical body, I have breath, I have food available to eat, I have clean water, I have a roof over my head, I have an income, I have everything practically within this world to make something of myself, and all I am doing for most of my day is worrying about what others are thinking of me.

I find myself often lost in my mind about this and that, and this look and that eye movement from another, and that will keep me busy for a long while, speculating, trying to attempt to figure out and interpret what that eye role meant, and mulling about in my mind about how I was in that moment, did I do something foolish, and then an interesting thing happens in the mind, it will start creating different scenarios which actually confuse you and then you go after a bit of time, wait where have I been, and what am I actually thinking about here. It’s like the mind can keep us busy with this train of thought, and me like a carrot on a stick just continue to follow it. It seems natural really, but if you look at the consequence of thinking in this way and being lost within the mind in self judgment, what kind of person does that create, someone who is possessed with fear and can not function properly in life.  

Thankfully, I am walking my process of self purification and I have made the decision to never give up and complete this task of stopping my mind from directing me and my judgments and abuse towards myself and others until it is done. Because really it is like not at all doing anything in anyway that is useful, firstly its not even fact, it has no relevance, but I still participate within it. I have seen though that over the time I have dedicated myself to stop this one specific point of self judgment it has gradually faded and dissipated, it is slow and like steady dissipation over time, it’s like a snail, moving very slow like you can’t really tell that your moving, but if you see the duration of a time frame, you notice movement, I can sense it and see it in my living. So that’s cool as I know I can stop this point, it’s just a point of consistency, walking the process, and continuing to stop going into my thoughts and focus on breath by breath living, making that decision and sticking to it.

So it’s definitely not a quick fix, it takes a lot of time, patience’s, practice, self discipline, and self investigation to become aware of how one gets possessed by thought patterns and gets lost in the mind, such as fearing what others think of me. But as this can be seen within the words, the fear is not real because these thought in one’s mind are not in fact real, it is assumption and 99% of the time, completely different context then what one thought. So it’s to let go of the fears and judgments of what others think of me, and start to walk this path of self acceptance and self care, if I don’t care for me no one will, so I must get myself going and stop this. Study desteni research and the mind in amazing new research done on how it contribute to the insanity we see in this world and especially within our own heads.

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Day 307 – The Innocence of the Womb – Does the Fetus See it this Way?

So recently there has been a set of blogs coming up from the Creation’s Journey to Life blogs written by Bernard Poolman from the Desteni Group regarding the developing fetus in the mother’s womb. This is a natural and common practice we as humans either witness or go through ourselves as parents when a child is conceived and developing within the women, but within these blogs there is a hidden existence that has never been realized, understood, or discovered due to the unattained access that never existed until recently with the portal opening. This being the physical access of direct communication with the life awareness of the fetus itself, this possible again through the portal at Desteni. This access is the access to see beyond all and any normal human view and perception, the portal is able to access all dimensions of existence and speak to all walks of life as well as those from the non-living dimensions (from Death and beyond). So the portal has access to all forms of existence and all forms of existence's has awareness to access and communicate through the portal to the life that is here and who can hear on this planet through a girl's physical body (click links to read more on the portal).

The baby who is now being developed has been interviewed through the portal at 13-14 weeks, and is one of the most absolutely fascinating learning and realizations I have come across yet. He/she speaks about not the development of the physical body as you would have probably presumed, no he/she speaks about the development of the mind system as what we know as consciousness within and throughout the developing physical body that the baby and the mother are busy growing and manifesting. And how the mind integrates and encapsulates quite unnatural and conclusively the natural physical substance as the physical body of the fetus, it’s quite shocking to read because you instinctively want the baby as the innocence of ourselves to be in absolute comfort and protection, but within reading these conversations, you see the limiting and predatory nature the mind system really exists and integrates within us as the physical body to be birthed and lived as part of what we call life here as the human being.

Here is an excerpt from the blog titled:

Day 385: Fetal Development Stages – Consciousness Research –Week 14 (Part One)  - Creations Journey to Life

Discussion between Bernard and the Baby-to-Be (Through the Portal at Desteni)

Fetus: Let me put it to you this way: in the Mind of the Mother-to-Be, there will be a Dominant Relationship to a Parent. That Relationship is then imprinting unto the Mother (that’s Pregnant) - from her Mother or her Father (whichever parent / parental figure the mother has a dominant relationship with in their Minds), and from there that Information is then within the Child already Imprinting. Meaning – the Child is already going to Know ‘What to Expect’ in terms of the Type of Relationship that their Mother is going to have with them.

So for example, what I now see within Leila, in her mind, it’s like centralized there – is her Mother. All of that information is then imprinting into you (Leila), and the Relationship that you had with your mother, for example what parent-child relationship you had with her, how you behaved, her relationship/behavior towards you and it’s already Resonating down to me – for example. In this, what is already being programmed is how I will be in behavior/relationship to you (Leila); our parent-child relationship is already being defined based on your parent-child relationship with your Mother.

Bernard: So that would then be the Knees, because that is the Ego, Survival – ‘How am I Going to Survive All of this?’ So, then that’s why the arms are sore, because they are increasing in discomfort – because it is linked to ‘How am I going to Handle this?’, ‘How am I going to Direct this?’, ‘Who Am I Going to Be within the History of my Forbearers?’ But, that is not seen on a Personal Level that is seen on a Survival Level – Purely as Pattern; which means that even Choices that will be made later on in Life, is already being Formed.

Fetus: The Life Pattern, yes.

Bernard: These Choices will be based-on Survival and will be Based on ‘Gaining Position’, that means Competition – to Establish the Position within the Hierarchy of Beings. That then already Determines What the Being will be in terms of Capacity, because the Capacity will be Governed by the Position in the Hierarchy. “This is All I Am Able to Be” –is the Decision that is already taking shape and also “I cannot be More than This”. That is very much influenced by the Lineage of the Parents and the Parents Before and what they’ve Been in Life in general.

Fetus: The energy of that (the statements of “This is All I Am Able to Be” / “I cannot be More than This”) is experienced as like a ‘Dullness’, as if you’re in a room and you’re contained and you can’t breathe properly or effectively. (This is what the Fetus is already experiencing/becoming aware of as the Limitation that manifested into and as its Beingness with regards to the preprogramming of who/how they’re going to develop into/as based on Survival)

Bernard: Constriction – which is actually Position, because Position is Constriction, a Space-Time Relationship to All Possible Relationships within the Context of the Self-Design, which is based on What has Been Before. Breaking out of that, is in most cases Unlikely, because the Environment is going to be the Parents and the Grandparents and the Family – which Determines Space-Time Position and ‘Who I Am’, ‘Who I Will Be’, ‘Who I Can Be’, ‘What is Possible’ and ‘What is Not Possible’, ‘What is Probable’ and ‘What is the Best Approach to Survive from Birth to Death’. So Death is already Placed as the Position Outcome within the Context of the Past and how to Best Reach the Optimum Death Point through Surviving.

I also recommend these blogs as a continuation of this discussion above:

Day 383: Child Development in the Womb Research

Day 386: Fetal Development Stages – Consciousness Research – Week 14 (Part Two)

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Day 123- “What are they thinking?”

Here looking at a thought within myself that I have brought up many times before, this thought of, "what are they thinking?" This particular thought implies that I am attaching and thus defining myself to how I am perceiving how others are thinking about me. When I ask myself this I am usually doing something that I have defined within me as not good or somehow not socially acceptable, and thus I will go into a self judgment of myself, and then go a step further to go and imagine what others had thought in that moment about me within the fuck up that i just did based on my own SELF judgment.

This point of judging myself I am in the process of stopping as I have walked the self forgiveness in various dimensions, and thus can see the correction that is needed to thus stop this point. But here looking at the further dimension of this point of me trying to figure out what others are thinking of me through my own perception, I realize I can never be in fact precise or accurate in just wondering or creating an idea in my mind of what I think another is thinking of me, unless, I go to them and ask them direct what were there thoughts about me in that moment, they then could still not give me an honest answer, and thus I never really know in fact, for real, what another being is thinking about me. And furthermore, does it matter what another is thinking? Why am I defining myself by my perception of others thoughts? Why am I insistant on knowing what others think about me? Some points to open up.

So is this worrying and imagining what others are thinking about me beneficial or will it help me become a better human being? No, it will not benefit me or make me a more effective being because it’s not real, there is no facts, and thus there is no validity in defining myself by what others are thinking as I don’t know in fact what it is they are thinking.

Thus I can deduce from this understanding that I am in fact the one who is creating my own ‘what are they thinking?' with the personalities that circulate in my own mind, judging and comparing to others, and going into assumptions and imaginations within my own ideas, my own beliefs, my own dishonesties, and so it is me that is the only relevant point of looking at this thought of ‘what are they thinking?” So to switch it to 'what am i thinking?' So I can stop as it's me creating this

From here, I realize that thinking is from the mind, so thus it is not real as it can’t be touched, smelled, felt, seen, but it’s illusionary and abstract, if I can't physically touch it with the my physical body, does that make something real? I can think it is real, but is it real in fact, a thought? No, it’s not real as real is this earth, is life, is what can be proven as fact as physical evidence, and a thought, although it comes up, it’s not real it's energy, and energy comes from the mind, which is not real, but in an alternate dimension. So some self forgiveness on believing thoughts are real, and defining myself by who I have created myself as through my thinking.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
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thoughts, thinking, i think therefore i am, i am, self, brain, mind, illusion, alternate dimensions, alternative outlook, what are they thinking, chastised, desteni, journey to life, 2012,