Back chat of winning, spite, and reflection of self dishonesty through Annoyance - Day 20

 Hi, I am working through my mind after a significant 'fall' where i had to face some reality consequences that made me realize the requirement of movement that is needed in the process from birthing from the energy of the mind reality as illusion into and as the living reality as self creation through living/action in words as self forgiveness and self correction - for more on some insight into this point and where it came through check out this chat - 1. Saturday 19th May 2012 - Desteni Forum 

When I am annoyed I see that i have some memories in me, mainly toward my sister whom i work with and spend a lot of time with, we are in a setting that is fast paced and i am her manager, so in this environment there are certain common sense expectations that are required. But for me i see my memories are of backchat of becoming angry that she is not listening to my 'direction' and not following the 'rules'. I have justified this anger/annoyance within a point of self righteousness and believing i am stronger and better at my job then her, which in turn in my mind as backchat make me think that i am thus able to bully her to a point where it makes her move quicker, do what i want, so this point of belief 'i am better at my job, she is so slow', creates in me my self justification to push her outside of proper guidelines and limitations and make it emotional where one is wrong/bad and the other is right/better. 

This cause in her an imbalance in the work day without a clear direction of her environment directives, but she is more on guard and thus more in her mind, self compromise, based on the bi-polar nature of myself becoming annoyed/emotional when a mistake is made or point not understood in its best potential. This stems from my ego, believing that cause i am at this skill of being on task and timely to a degree of efficiency for the office setting, i am thus able to diminish another who can't keep up.

This does not say anything about either one in terms of self definition and self creation, but it does say within me that i am being spiteful and evil in my interactions with another in my environment who is my equal, is me in another life, and thus is what should be valued before anything else, the equality and oneness of each one. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see person x as a being that i can bully and push around cause i am stronger and thus able to as the capabilities are at my advantage and i am more able to stay stable, and thus i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the backchat that this being is weak and thus able to be pushed to extremes due to my desire to be right/get my creation in place thus control the outcome and creating a way where i get what i want.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of self righteousness where i allow and accept thoughts as 'i am so much stronger and smarter then her' 'she is so dump' 'she is so slow' 'she is losing us money' 'she doesn't listen to me' 'she is trying to ruin my leadership abilities and direction' and 'i can't stand her, she doesn't obey'. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed at another for there life and living reality in this moment equal and one to me as this moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the other where in i see the other as my enemy/competition, instead of seeing it as me and that i require to walk in the others shoes to find out where and how can i support them equal to how i would want to be supported and live in a way that is best for all. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am within and as a point of self defeat when another in my reality doesn't walk my expectation and so i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control and force another into my will and direction in a way of force and degrading.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be better/stronger cause within my backchat i am speaking things that are not real, and are harmful which is evil, which is not best for all life my commitment and principle of living this life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead of standing as an equal to the other and supporting them to be the best they can be, i stand as a point of harm and degrading where i am gaining superiority over her and feeling more powerful and in control through the feeling of success and victory when in reality i am destroying and diminishing something i would not do to myself and not want done unto me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the other as myself and understand within the interaction what can we do to support each other within a point of self care and self support where both the environments are made to bring through the best for each other and what make practical common sense to allow both the opportunity to become stable and get the work done that needs done in a timely way.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the backchat of judgment thoughts toward other and self glorifying thoughts toward myself for being strong. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed my ego as self interest be my driving force in the work place towards others instead of sitting in there shoes and finding solutions that will ensure all are cared for and all have the ability to be the best the can for the position they are in where things are clear and understood to the best of my ability to get it lived out into completion.

I commit myself to live the words self discipline within stopping my back chat about winning and being better, breathing, and not allowing thoughts of judgment or any thoughts of harm. 

I commit myself to flag point annoyance when or if it comes up showing to myself that i have fallen in self interest and trying to win.

I commit myself to recognize that i am going into ego as a point of self righteousness self glorification, because i am not in control of myself and feel inferior.

I commit myself to embrace the other as myself with love, care, gentleness, and clear direction of common sense as i would myself. I commit myself to use breathing and releasing the energy through physical activity and breathing to no longer direct myself with energy as mind in thoughts and shooting/harm/self glorification, but real living that is an equal and one support for all as i'd like for myself. 

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The Gift I Found in Self Acceptance is Self Trust - See How... - Day 562

Original Artwork by: Andrew Gable

Check Out his art at: http://www.andrewgableart.com

Who am I in relation to this word trust, and within that what I am really investigating is I am seeing is the ability to trust myself. What this immediately brings me to is looking within, trusting the voice of myself that is one of deep gentleness and calm that resides within my being. So here I have seen that I have established over my lifetime a sense of trust within myself through what I have learned and become aware of as my inner voice. Though I have walked many years in distinguishing between the voice my inner voice that I trust and the mind chatter or movement that comes up within that is experienced within energy movements as thoughts and emotions/feelings. Energy meaning it has movement to it and in a way, I experience it as I am following the thoughts, the emotions like a chasing in fact of the mind as thoughts. I will experience this energy in my body as tension or irritability for example where my voice gets hard, my body can go rigid, a rise of heat is experienced in the chest, and it can go into an experience of an eruption. As opposed to my inner voice that I have established within me is more experienced within me as a deep settledness, a calm in my body, a silence, and it comes with understanding, a constant knowing of who I am, and this 'i am' is aligned with life principle, what is best. 

I have always had a deep connection with this part of me, this inner voice, even when I was a child and I am sure we all can relate to this, its that knowing that there is something greater and more profound in me and in this life that is not readily here or known, but it is true, it is genuine, and it is supportive, this inner voice that feels like I am touching is good for lack of a better word, it is like a soft hand holding me as a support always. And this I have harnessed to something that I cherish within me all this time and hold to the fact that there is in fact in this world an understanding that this life matters and there is something more to discover, which has sent me on quite a quest to understand more of this understanding and knowledge I have come to know within myself about life.

Trust within myself though has not always been so deep and clear, yes I have had a connection with this deep part of myself, but I also have been very much influenced and created myself from my thinking patterns mainly of self ridicule, self abuse, and self bullying. This often leads to behavior that I take out on others due to not directing these parts of myself in a reasonable way, but more go to diminishing myself and others and so creating a diminished view of myself in this world and in fact creating it. Where at times little to no self-trust was present. 

I have memories of going into kindergarten, and man was I excited to experience the new scene, I heard my sisters and mom talk about it and I couldn’t wait to experience it for myself, the classroom, the books, the toys, the kids, and when I got there I was told that I was going to be tested. All of a sudden the excitement and experience of being in this new place full of adventure now turned into a fearful experience where I didn’t know how I was going to do on these test, was I smart enough to get in? Was I going to have to miss out on this new adventure because I didn’t pass my test? What is the test going to say about me? And so the experience of wonder turned into an experience of fear where I no longer trusted my own experience and how I was learning and interacting with my world, but now I was going to be told who I was through a test I had to take which will open or close the door to this new adventure I was so close to experience. This test was my only way forward I was seeing, I had no ability beside tantrum to let them know that I did not want to be tested and anyways my mom was not having that because I had to go to school, there were no other options.

This experience of school grew more and more into a point of fear and tension for me where i was more concerned with the experience of others and what I was going to be facing in my environment every day in terms of pressures or intense situations where I had to ‘step up’ instead of exploring at my own pace, getting to know and understand for myself what I was interacting with, and so finding my place within it all. Where I was more placing my trust in what I was getting as feedback from my enviroment to define who I was rather then going into myself, who i was, and how i was understanding myself within this new way of life, which is more how we experience ourselves as young children before the schooling years start typically.

This schooling experience I had and started to take in as who I was was contributing to my evolution of fear and self abuse I started to develop due to my warped way of taking in my world and how I interpreted with what I was taking in as input from others, my environment, and how I saw others treat me and people in general. So more just copying what would eventually help me to cope with my inner experiences of fear and tension and the growing perception that there is something wrong with me because I was not always measuring up. The coping experience was to be hard on me, beat myself up, and then I can keep cycling in the blame that I am not good enough, I am the problem, and so stay stuck, where I never actually find out what the real issue is that I am struggling with because I keep reacting to it and making it about having to be perfect, better, or more than who I already am here as my truth. In this stuckness, I don't have to go out of comfort zones, in this stuckness I know me and so life becomes routine, easy, yet perpetually more difficult because this I am not good enough evolves and grows as I keep allowing these experiences to direct me rather me it, so quite the conundrum of self-defeat I have been living through. 

This idea of being broken or damaged contributed to my quest to fix myself, make me more pretty, more smart, more excellent in whatever it is I was competing in and so my measure of who I was was no more on what and how I live in terms of my example as my words in action, what I learned through listening to that inner voice as a child, but more on satisfying an image in my mind I had to live up to. So a lot of my lack of self-trust was because I was not going within, I was not accepting who I was within what I was doing and being ok with what the results were in fact. This lack of self-trust is because I disconnected with my inner truth as the acceptance of who I am within my reality, the truth of the fact that I may not be well trained in something and within that that is ok, I can accept that, learn from it, and then grow to find the solutions that would make sense to make me better.

When we all know intrinsically that we can not be perfect in everything all in one go with all we do, it is just not possible, yet the drive I had for many years was based on this belief.  This acceptance of who I am here in fact and truth, no matter how bad, ugly, or silly it may be is the gateway to experience and get in touch with the self and the truth of oneself as one is in fact working with the reality of who one is in any given moment. Once one is facing the reality of who one is and accepts that, then one can embrace it to learn from it, and from there work on the process of improving and making it better through a real time understanding as one is walking it step by step. 

So trust i am finding is built through self acceptance, accepting the fact of who one is at any given moment to open the door for the truth of self to emerge and so the ability to trust in oneself because one in fact knows who and how one is and how to walk the process of learning, understanding, and growing to new heights or new depths with the information gathered and worked with. Trust then can open up the door to self-expansion, where new heights of growth and depth can be reached because one has accepted and worked with what is real, within and into the without of oneself. 

For more informative links in self-supportive material, check out:

Eqafe - the Process to Self Perfection in Recorded form

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