Have you Ever Felt Awkward? - Day 453

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Looking at this word, I have been noticing this coming up more and more with interactions I am experiencing during my day, it’s more in relation to new people or people I am acquainted with and so it’s in relation to people and how I experience myself around people I don’t really know. I have realized that based on the definition of the word awkward which states “lacking skill or dexterity, lacking grace or ease of movement, lacking social graces or manners”, I can relate to each of these definitions within the fear of being seen in this way and also within the opposite polarity where I desired to have all these things, so from a systematic perspective, I am creating this cycle to feed into one another and keep each alive. These are just purely mind based where I will judge different words or gestures or thoughts I have as truth of who I am and so remember this and judging myself again in similar moments. So it’s really a cycle of abuse because when I slow down and actually become aware of what I am doing/saying, I am more alert and more effective within who I am.

So this is showing me that awkward experience within myself accompanied by an experience of feeling frozen or constricted in my expression, I am showing to myself when I am in a point of desiring to be something in my reality like effective or considerate, but I am not actually living it because if I was expressing myself, I would be alert and moving naturally and so the experience of awkward would not be something I would be experiencing.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this awkward experience inside myself as a judgment against me like I am not good enough in that environment or that I am lacking in some way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief about myself when I go into a room and that everyone within the room will see I am awkward and so judge me as this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as awkward from others and so within this create the experience of awkward within me cause in some way I have judged myself as less then and so create this as the who I am in this moment as that is what I am thinking about, how I am being judged by others as awkward when i am actually doing it to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I experience this emotional experience within me accompanied with the experience of awkwardness as a draining feeling of energy and feeling like I am deflated that this is in fact the acceptance of myself as this belief and as less then and so I am showing to myself in this moment by living it out with this emotional energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within a point of seeing this life of mine as a harsh world and that no one will ever care to stop and understand and get to know me so I will just be awkward and not have to face/deal with others whom I don’t care to get to know either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in fact not care about others enough to walk with them and support them unconditionally and so I use the word awkward and the experience of myself within that as ‘drab’ ‘low’ and ‘not able to express’ as a way to categorize certain people I don’t want to get to know and use this experience to not have to face others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as less then me or more then me and so not want to face them as well as myself when i accept and allow the awkward experience to take over. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the experience of awkward where I don’t have to move myself beyond my limitations and express myself outside my comfort zone and beyond the experience I am having of feeling low and less then, but can stay in it where i am comfortable as i have done this plenty of times before.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become awkward in the sense of diminishing myself within the environment and so i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not yet stand within courage as a steadfast within who i am as i practice living this more and more through this desire to be awkward and so hide.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide in fear rather then face the fear as face myself with others and walk the process of expansion and growth of self as i face and learn who i am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use awkward as a means to not have to face myself with other people I found strange, odd, weird, and not wanting to see where I stand with them because I fear being all these words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as odd, weird, strange, and not facing myself within these experiences to see who I am and where I stand within myself so I can learn and grow to be a better version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself in a way separate to what is here and voice myself in ways that is not supportive in what is best for all and so myself.

I commit myself to move myself beyond my fears of facing myself nad who I am to stand within these moments and find out where I stand so I can learn and expand to be better/best.

I commit myself to see the experience of ‘low’ ‘drabb’ and ‘not expressive’ as a flagg point where I am moving to self compromise and so I commit myself to find the point I am avoiding and not wanting to face.

I commit myself to face myself in fear and what I am not comfortable in and move to solutions with myself and others in the environment so we can know each other and live as equals.

I commit myself to create myself as an equal within living environments to stand as myself in what is best for all.

So a redefinition of awkward process walking is where I desire a push within myself to move beyond the energy experiences and the thoughts of self judgment and find a common ground with my environment and the people in it, and come to a equality within me toward them.

Awkward as a direct definition is where I am requiring adjustment and specificity within my application to facilitate growth and expansion, there is something I am not facing and trying to avoid so I find solutions.

Check Out these Awesome and Life Supporting sites:
Desteni I Process Lite - Free Course to Start your Journey to Life
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Desteni Wiki - For All Things Desteni Related
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Destonian Social Network
Self and Living Store
Eqafe - Self Perfection Support
Equal Life Foundation - Site

What My Job has Shown Me about Myself? – Part 1 – Day 436

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Going to a job everyday in the same location, seeing the same people, it get’s to be a place where you can really see who you are as the environment never changes and things repeat more often then not. The environment meaning in close proximity to many different people pretty much all day long. And everyday or every cycle shall I call it I see myself going into the same types of thoughts, the same types of ‘moods’, and acting in the same or very similar ways in my behavior and speech. It becomes very repetitive the day in and day out at the same location and again with the same faces as well as the same self that I walk around with everyday.

Obviously as can be seen with the title of my blog, I am on a journey to birth myself as life, so I am now more and more becoming aware of my behaviors, my thoughts in relation to others and myself, the nature of these thoughts, the energy involved within these thoughts, the personalities I go into in when different environmental changes or stimulus coming in to play or leave. There is a lot going on within me, though again it is very cyclical in it’s nature meaning I see the same types of thoughts, energies, reactions coming up, and overall it is not to the benefit of myself nor others. So having said this, I am finding that there is this urge that has started to emerge within me after I have been walking this process for more then 5 years now. Although, I indeed have proven to myself I am able to change and that I have the capacity to change, I am finding at this stage I am now within walking the mind layers I am at, I am becoming more and more reactive at myself and my environment around me (which is mirroring me, so still seeing self) that I am not moving fast enough, I am not showing enough progress, I am not changing quick enough, my environment is not moving in the direction that I see it should, I am not who I think I am as a person that is leading my own process, self directed, and able to do any and all things.

Of course this is a idea of myself I have created and projected onto my reality and myself, and the frustration I am sensing and starting to more and more react within is due to this idea I have created about myself and my reality in moving a specific way and within that creating the experience within myself as lacking something, where I am not quick enough, I am not doing enough, and my environment is not stable enough. This causing blame and anger within me which I am pushing onto my outer world, this is causing more and more consequences as it continues to be done without direction or a solution.

I have realized that within walking this process there is no right or wrong way to do it as well as there is no specific idea or belief of how it should be or how I should be moving within it, I also see that what is stemming from this frustration and anger is the fear of not making it in this process, not changing myself in such a way that I will be satisfied with myself as well as stable in reality, I am afraid that I will waste my opportunity I have been given and miss out on the life that is to come. So within my self now, I am in this constant state of anxiety and imaginations that I need to be doing this and that, I need to have progressed in this sort of way, I need to prove this about who I am, ect. This showing that I was not really progressing or excelling in the way in which I created about myself otherwise I would not be reacting, I would be stable. I realize I have been in self interest, out to make myself look like I am excelling, look like I am progressing, but was I being self honest within this? I would have to say within this aspect, no, I was doing it for others, I was doing it for attention, I was doing it for self acceptance, I was doing it to experience myself as worthy, and so I have created this experience within me now that I am in a survival situation and this is not what walking this process is about.

So here further, I will walk the tools of self forgiveness and self correction on these points I have brought up here of how I have experienced myself lately in my process and how I will walk the correction process to find solutions for myself, and so help others who may see support in this sharing as well.

Thanks for reading.   

Interview Support on the topic of Work Politics and Not Being Enough:
Life Review - I'm not Good Enough
Behind the Scenes of Office Politics - Life Review
Nothing is Good Enough - Life Review
Always Feeling like 'I'm not doing Enough' - Life Review
Why Do I Feel Like I Can't Connect With My Partner?
Stop Your Thoughts, Change Yourself - Reptilians - Part 284
Self-Interest in Self-Honesty: How does that work? - Reptilians' Supp…

Check Out these Awesome sites:
Desteni I Process Lite - Free Course to Start your Journey to Life
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Desteni Wiki - For All Things Desteni Related
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Destonian Social Network
Eqafe - Self Perfection Support
Equal Life Foundation - Site

Living Self Courage - Moving through Resistances – Day 429

Yesterday I had a work event where I had to face my fears and move through resistances that were intense and very familiar. This initially started in the morning before I was set to go to the event, when I am getting ready, I would look in the mirror and see within myself that I am not looking good enough. I will then start to participate in thoughts and feelings of anxiety and dread about the day where I am going to be feeling ‘ugly’ the whole day. Now this feeling is something I have been living with for a long time, this coming from many times and patterned behaviors from the past where I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and in my mind analyze myself in comparison to others in why I am worse or better.

So going to this event all the same patterns started to emerge, where I was dreading walking out the door because within me I had already failed, I was already seeing myself as a failure based on not being able to compete and live up to this illusion of an expectation I have been creating in my mind that I have to look perfect to then be able to present myself as perfect, though this perfection doesn’t in fact exist. There is no one on the planet that is able to live up to the expectation I have morphed and changed and sculpted within my mind to be this perfect picture, it simply is illusionary and absolutely insane that I am allowing this point to have so much power over me. I realize though through support form eqafe that the mind is using these moments where I give in and give up within myself to take over and keep generating these thoughts and emotions for me to believe this is real, this is who I am so the mind within my physical body can generate energy and continue existing as it does in full control.

Though, thankfully I have supportive partner who helped me walk through the door and get me to the event where we needed to be at that moment. I again at the booth started to see these thoughts and the feelings were coming up of dread and feeling like I am a failure, but again I kept getting supportive words from those around me and this helped. I then saw this fear and I was looking at it and within me seeing that it is so strong and so big, I don’t know how I am going to be able to walk and do this, and stop participating in these thoughts and feelings. Though the only way to my freedom from these feelings and thoughts continuing to haunt me is for me to in real time stop them, breath, forgive myself, and stand within myself as a life force able and willing to move beyond my fears, and live self courage.

This the courage and living of never giving up or giving into to these thoughts and feelings of diminishment no matter what I face is an act of perseverance to push through and make this world a better place. So as life is here always to be faced as self, I then got put into the situation that I was fearing where I had to speak to the people walking by because there was no one else who could. So I started speaking. And again I started speaking, and then again, and by the fourth or fifth time I was feeling like my ‘normal’ self again, I found my words and I was actually pretty surprised at my ability to speak to others and find ways to explain the product in the moment.

My point to the blog is that in order to move through our fears and our beliefs about ourselves of self compromise like I have with this fear of people and believing I am not good enough for this, I realized that this resistance has to be walked through, the fears have to be walked through and faced in the moment, and I have to change in the moment, I have to move myself to change this belief about myself and prove that I can become more. Otherwise there is no other way to the success I want for myself in selling my product or the success to making the world a better place. I have to face these things and within this the gift had emerged where I was able to see my potential in action in real time as I shared myself and moved myself to support my business in the opportunities presented and I created to do so. I also am grateful for these people in my life who support me when I need it and are there for me when I am not there for myself.

Self forgiveness to come as I will walk more in the next blog on this point of letting go of fear and walking through resistances. Thanks.

If you want to support yourself and this world to be a better place,

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Interview Support:

You Will Never Let Go - Quantum Mind Self Awareness
Can't Let Go: Introduction - Atlanteans - Part 229
Can't Let Go: Transform Your Memories - Atlanteans - Part 230
Can't Let Go: Giving Up - Atlanteans - Part 231

Related articles

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• The Fears of The "Starving Artist" (Self Corrections) - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 177
• Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character
• Day 277: The Change is Knocking
• Resistance to Fear
• Day 32: I Am Really Good - Just Not This Time!

Living Self Courage – Forgiving the Fear of My Mind – Day 428

Artist: Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become afraid of my own thoughts I am thinking and react in shame based on the context of the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will judge me for the thoughts that I think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my own mind and the thoughts that I think, realize, seeing, and understanding that the thoughts are not who I really am and I have the power to stop them, but I can not deny them as I am the one participating in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my mind as demented and become ashamed at how I have been existing within my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to become shameful for what goes on in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am alone within how I am experiencing my mind and that I am bad for thinking in such ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is something wrong with me for the way in which I think about my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind determines and defines who I am and that within my belief about myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that I am less then others because of the way in which I have judged my own mind as bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within my own mind in a way where I fear certain parts of it and believe that I can’t move beyond these fears and mind points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can’t move beyond my limitations I have believed to be true as me having something wrong with me and that I can’t move beyond this belief of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive this relationship of having something wrong with me based on the way in which my external body looks and memories I have held onto of me as real to define who I am in this moment here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my self when I say in my mind that I am less then others and that looks matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is based on the belief that I am a less then capable being and that I am not good enough to make it out of my mind and into physical living here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist looking and facing my mind because I knew I would have to face instances that would make me uncomfortable and question myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is based on the beliefs I hold about myself in my mind rather then questioning these beliefs and seeing who I in fact am within my physical living in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about my judgments I have about myself for fear of being weakened in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can become weakened in the physical based on sharing myself in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and so create the belief that some are weak and some are strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind is more powerful then me and I can’t walk and let go of my fears when I realize it takes only my self will, I can decide in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being misunderstood and so judged harshly for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged in anyway by others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet accepted and allowed myself to see that I am the only one judging myself and so holding myself in these judgments until I release myself and stop judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto these judgments so I don’t have to face these fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto judgments so I can continue to get happy energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to have energy to feel good.

When and as I see I am going into a point of judging my mind and going into resistances to look at a point or points within what is coming up in moments within my mind, I stop and breath, and realize that going into resistance is only disempowering me to do anything about the thoughts and or my mind patterns coming up, and so I realize I have to accept myself as my mind, look at it in common sense and self honesty, and stop taking it personal.

I commit myself to stop fear and see directly what is here through breathing and slowing down in the moment to expand myself within what is here.

I commit myself to breath and let go of all resistances to look and investigate my mind and what is coming up within it.

I commit myself to breath and let go any point of judgment or comparison I have towards my mind or my world as I realize this is disempowering me to change.

I commit myself to face my mind in every moment it comes up and move myself to walk the change that is necessary to align with life and live what is best for all.

Interview Support on the Blog Topic I recommend:
Insecurity: Introduction - Atlanteans - Part 148
Insecurity: Self Forgiveness - Atlanteans - Part 149
Insecurity: Insecurity-Confidence Polarity - Atlanteans - Part 150
Confidence: Self Forgiveness - Atlanteans - Part 151
Confidence: Practical Support - Atlanteans - Part 152
Confidence: The End - Atlanteans - Part 153

Join Us:
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Equal Life Foundation - Site

Related articles

• Day 436: Suppressing In Fear of Expressing
• No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312
• Stifling Self Through Suppression - Pt. 2 - DAY 306
• Day 261: FEAR of Disease
• Day 132: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part2)

Survival Instinct Programming - Fear of the Unknown - Part 4 - Day 394

Please see blogs below for more context to this series:
Survival Instinct Programming - Day 391
Survival Programming Correction - Part 1 - Day 392
Survival Programming Unpacked - Part 3 - Day 393

One of the hardest points that I have faced in my process is the fear of losing control of something/my environment, this out of control feeling within me when something doesn’t go as according to my way of having things always be, creates a lot of these desires for the survival instinct to come through. Usually within this survival instinct it is geared towards, survival no matter what it takes, do what ever I can do to get to a point of control again and security so I can feel normal again.

Within this though, it’s not that the reality of my life is secure or that I am existing within a normal state of being (that to be redefined at later point), but just to get to a state where my mind thinks I am ok and secure for even a moment, a day, a week, a month, or a year, it can be fleeting and it is, but if it quills the anxiety and fear in a moment, I will continue to exist in this cycle of security/insecurity through allowing fear to direct and define me. This is not real security though as it’s not based on actually creating myself in a way where I can be secure, as this is showing when things change in my life, I fear what may happen, so I am being defined by outer influences. When in reality I can direct myself and the solution in a way that is best for myself and so best for all. I do not have to continue to be subject and defined by the way life events occur, but can stand stable and stay in control of who I am regardless of what is occurring on the outer, creating a point of stability within myself through a point of harnessing self control and self discipline to direct myself in a way that is eventually or immediately able to create solutions that will support myself and so my world/reality.

Will walk some self forgiveness on this feeling of being out of control and not directing myself within what is here no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my fear of not having a stable reality where I am seeing and experiences people/places/things in a familiar way, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things that are unknown and unfamiliar in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of going to the extreme and look only within my self interest in a survival instinct I go into due to allowing this fear of the unknown possess me into believing that I will spin out of control in my life and be not secure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having my life go out of control and so go to extremes within my mind in accepting the belief that I will fall and get lost if I don’t have control of everything that goes on in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the emotions of fear and sadness to come over me when I realize that I have points in my world that I can not control and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will become at a loss if I don’t have all that is here in my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing something in my world or reality as I feel that this will be gone forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can and have the ability to give what it is that I fear losing to myself and I realize that I am in fact equal with what is here so it’s a point of realizing that I am whole as I am part of all that is here, I can not be lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear to drive me into self interest and not consider my actions within what I am doing causing harm and abuse to others due to my reactions of emotions rather then letting them go and direct myself in stability.

When and as I see I am going into a point of fear and believing I will lose something due to unknown factors, I stop and breath, and realize this will compromise my effectiveness in reality to direct myself and move myself into a point of support and solutions for others and so myself.

I commit to breath and see where it is that I am fearing to live and move.

I commit to let go of the fear and give what it is to myself that I fear losing.

I commit to stop directing myself in emotions of reactions of fear and move within a breath movement of awareness.

I commit to live from the reality that is here and walk what I am able to walk in each breath as I realize this is all I can do in each moment.

I commit to support others as I would myself and stop fear from directing me into a survival instinct of self interest.


Eqafe interview support I recommend:
Stress: The History, Origin and Nature - Atlanteans - Part 97

Stress: Personality Development (Part 1) - Atlanteans - Part 98
Stress: Personality Development (Part 2) - Atlanteans - Part 99
Stress: Sounding Self Forgiveness - Atlanteans - Part 100
Stress: Practical Living Support - Atlanteans - Part 101

Join Us:
Desteni I Process Lite - Free Course to Start your Journey to Life
Journey to Life Group - On Facebook
Desteni Wiki - For All Things Desteni Related
Desteni Forum - Share your Self with Other Destonians
Destonian Social Network
Eqafe - Self Perfection Support
Equal Life Foundation - Site
Living Income Guaranteed Proposal - Site

Survival Programming Unpacked - Part 3 - Day 393

Please see blogs below for more context to this series:
Survival Instinct Programming - Day 391
Survival Programming Correction - Part 1 - Day 392

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy others downfalls when I am going to gain something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the thoughts of me gaining something and going into an excitement energy while I realize and understand that someone else is going to lose something that they are in need of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the polarity of excitement and lose and within this created a relationship towards others and myself in my world when these scenarios occur making me defined by what happens rather then being the directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by polarities in my world and create compromise in my life and others lives instead of seeing the facts of something, and walking the necessary actions that will ensure what is best for all is reached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make situations that occur in my life a personal point within my self definition instead of seeing that I am within an equal consideration of this point and to find the solutions that will create a stable point within whatever has to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss reality and my direct responsibility within it to move myself in consideration of others in a stable way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my desires for more direct me to cause harm to others through my actions and words through egocentric personalities instead of seeing all as equals and direct within reality actions.

When and as I see I am going into a point of compromising my reality and others in a egocentric way through personalities of desire, I stop and breath and realize that I will be harming others and only be existing in self interest missing reality and what I can do to move the point into stability.

I commit to take a breath and move after I have assessed who I am within a point of responsibility to the environment/people I am involved with.

I commit myself to not move if I am in reaction.

I commit to direct myself through writing and self forgiveness to change my behavior to be best for all.

I commit to stop the desires and move into a point of considering all involved before I take action.

I commit to take responsibility for myself and change myself to ensure I walk as an equal with my environment.

I commit myself to move to breath and stop personifying what is happening and so I commit to move within factual points of reality and considering all as how I would like to be consider before I move.


Eqafe interview support I recommend:
Stress: The History, Origin and Nature - Atlanteans - Part 97

Stress: Personality Development (Part 1) - Atlanteans - Part 98
Stress: Personality Development (Part 2) - Atlanteans - Part 99
Stress: Sounding Self Forgiveness - Atlanteans - Part 100
Stress: Practical Living Support - Atlanteans - Part 101

Join Us:
Desteni I Process Lite - Free Course to Start your Journey to Life
Journey to Life Group - On Facebook
Desteni Wiki - For All Things Desteni Related
Desteni Forum - Share your Self with Other Destonians
Destonian Social Network
Eqafe - Self Perfection Support
Equal Life Foundation - Site
Living Income Guaranteed Proposal - Site