Looking at this relationship between becoming excited at another person’s demise based on the fact that within it I will benefit in some way or another. I don’t see myself within this relationship necessarily aiming to have anything ill come to another or have any form of abuse come to them, but within the point of gaining something from another’s down fall I have a relationship of guilt within it as in a way I enjoy this as I will gain something. This desire and excitement for another persons lose is a form of survival i have accepted and allowed within me, and use in times of belief that I need what the other has to survive. And in ways I see I have pushed and aided in this point of another's downfall based on my desires to succeed, win, and gain more.
I do see that I have been in reaction towards this person for a while and this is the point where I am limiting myself as I am not bringing the point back to myself and changing my relationship to be that of support. So the point of desiring to benefit has been the reason for my compromising who I am in relation to this person causing me to feel guilty within their presence, as I see within that there is a point of competition and need to conquer. And within this desire and need to conquer the 'evil' comes out where I only exist for myself and have no real regard about what is the best way to go about supporting or directing this situation. Desire has been overriding my common sense assessment in equality to ensure what is best is lived.
I am sure that this relationship is due to a need within me that I will not be able to get enough and so I feel that others who I judge as not as good as me, survival and self interest. So I am existing within this starting point based on valuing myself as more then others, and within this situation it is based on worth of physical skill and know how. It’s very much based on survival and existing within the dog eat dog world, and accepting survival programming to override life and living how I would want to be treated. I will continue writing on this tomorrow. Thanks.
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