Living Self Courage - Moving through Resistances – Day 429

Yesterday I had a work event where I had to face my fears and move through resistances that were intense and very familiar. This initially started in the morning before I was set to go to the event, when I am getting ready, I would look in the mirror and see within myself that I am not looking good enough. I will then start to participate in thoughts and feelings of anxiety and dread about the day where I am going to be feeling ‘ugly’ the whole day. Now this feeling is something I have been living with for a long time, this coming from many times and patterned behaviors from the past where I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and in my mind analyze myself in comparison to others in why I am worse or better.

So going to this event all the same patterns started to emerge, where I was dreading walking out the door because within me I had already failed, I was already seeing myself as a failure based on not being able to compete and live up to this illusion of an expectation I have been creating in my mind that I have to look perfect to then be able to present myself as perfect, though this perfection doesn’t in fact exist. There is no one on the planet that is able to live up to the expectation I have morphed and changed and sculpted within my mind to be this perfect picture, it simply is illusionary and absolutely insane that I am allowing this point to have so much power over me. I realize though through support form eqafe that the mind is using these moments where I give in and give up within myself to take over and keep generating these thoughts and emotions for me to believe this is real, this is who I am so the mind within my physical body can generate energy and continue existing as it does in full control.

Though, thankfully I have supportive partner who helped me walk through the door and get me to the event where we needed to be at that moment. I again at the booth started to see these thoughts and the feelings were coming up of dread and feeling like I am a failure, but again I kept getting supportive words from those around me and this helped. I then saw this fear and I was looking at it and within me seeing that it is so strong and so big, I don’t know how I am going to be able to walk and do this, and stop participating in these thoughts and feelings. Though the only way to my freedom from these feelings and thoughts continuing to haunt me is for me to in real time stop them, breath, forgive myself, and stand within myself as a life force able and willing to move beyond my fears, and live self courage.

This the courage and living of never giving up or giving into to these thoughts and feelings of diminishment no matter what I face is an act of perseverance to push through and make this world a better place. So as life is here always to be faced as self, I then got put into the situation that I was fearing where I had to speak to the people walking by because there was no one else who could. So I started speaking. And again I started speaking, and then again, and by the fourth or fifth time I was feeling like my ‘normal’ self again, I found my words and I was actually pretty surprised at my ability to speak to others and find ways to explain the product in the moment.

My point to the blog is that in order to move through our fears and our beliefs about ourselves of self compromise like I have with this fear of people and believing I am not good enough for this, I realized that this resistance has to be walked through, the fears have to be walked through and faced in the moment, and I have to change in the moment, I have to move myself to change this belief about myself and prove that I can become more. Otherwise there is no other way to the success I want for myself in selling my product or the success to making the world a better place. I have to face these things and within this the gift had emerged where I was able to see my potential in action in real time as I shared myself and moved myself to support my business in the opportunities presented and I created to do so. I also am grateful for these people in my life who support me when I need it and are there for me when I am not there for myself.

Self forgiveness to come as I will walk more in the next blog on this point of letting go of fear and walking through resistances. Thanks.

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Communication - Why do I Suck at it? - Part 1 - Day 342

Here I am looking at the gift of being able to sound words and communicate with others that we as human beings have. Within myself I have always taken this action (as well as many other actions of the physical) for granted, like I have always assumed that it's always going to be here and I will always be able to use this as needed. Unfortunately, this is not the case, I could at some point lose this ability to speak, and so it's important that I use this gift to the best of my ability while I am able to.

Now with speaking I have found that throughout my life I have been a person who has not been vocal meaning I was quite shy and did not often share myself with others, I actually was quite physical, so I more enjoyed actually physically moving and expressing myself through movement rather then speaking to people. So I have developed a sense of imbalance within myself because I have not effectively allowed myself to develop the proper time and understanding on how to communicate with others as I more was introverted and figured things out on my own through learning through myself and learning as I go, not necessarily wanting or needing others to get involved. 

So an obvious dimension within the above mentioned is fear, I have feared judgment from others and feared being seen or thought of in a bad way, and so I would shelter myself from this and not become vulnerable within opening up and so communicating with others. I also found only recently through applying the desteni tools of actually how we mirror ourselves within all the people we communicate with, and how in fact I was judging other people and creating limitations for me in my communication because in my head I was critiquing everyone else. This also was exemplified when I was teased in school by others and so I had many memories and such attached of abuse from others that I took personally, which eventually created a resistance to people all together. So within the next blogs, I want to break down this character of being shy, fearing people/communicating, judging others/myself when speaking, and forgive all the dimensions within that I am able to and give myself some practical self corrective direction. This to practice to become an effective communicator and simply communicate as an equal here as the physical instead of in the mind within all sorts of energies and thought processes that comes up now when I speak.

I have recently experienced this point of having to speak in a group, and I noticed when it was my turn to speak, I had a backchat thought within me that said 'I may screw up my words or get stuck' (fear), so here a fear of having a point where I am not clear in my words and so fear that point of awkwardness coming up within others, and so fearing what they think of me. When I am speaking, I find if there is a moment where I am uncertain or have any kind of doubt in what I am saying, immediately at this moment a rush of energy comes up moving very fast coming from my lower abdomen all the way up into my head, like shoots up, and it's a specific energy feeling, it makes me feel chocked, like my throat and chest is closing up. When I feel this energy, I immediately associate through thoughts and memories of me being a screw up and being inferior to others and so through this have easily in the past given into this energy of a 'failure' feeling energy, and then let it get to me, and then manifest my fears as making the conversation awkward and being uncomfortable. 

Also, another point that I found that recently I noticed effects me is my face will turn red, and this is also part of the energy that shoots up from my abdomen and I will become very hot and my face will then burn and I think 'oh shit now my face is red and these people know I am uncomfortable'. So caring what the other thinks of me. I found it will turn red depending on how uncertain I am within what I am saying, so this a cool indicator I have found to show that I am not actually speaking words I have lived and can share through experience, but am speaking mind stuff through trying to prove something or hide something or telling knowledge and information that I know little about. And thus I have to practice walking the words I speak, living them, and so being authentic in myself and my words to thus become a living being that is authentic and true as self in what I speak and live. 

So there is many different points within this point of me and communication, that I will be opening up, and re-defining myself within and as, and so give myself direction on how to practically live these words in my life through clearing them and redefining them in what they mean in physical reality and how I am going to live them. So more to come for sure. Thanks for reading. 

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