Yesterday I had a work event where I had to face my fears and move through resistances that were intense and very familiar. This initially started in the morning before I was set to go to the event, when I am getting ready, I would look in the mirror and see within myself that I am not looking good enough. I will then start to participate in thoughts and feelings of anxiety and dread about the day where I am going to be feeling ‘ugly’ the whole day. Now this feeling is something I have been living with for a long time, this coming from many times and patterned behaviors from the past where I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and in my mind analyze myself in comparison to others in why I am worse or better.
So going to this event all the same patterns started to emerge, where I was dreading walking out the door because within me I had already failed, I was already seeing myself as a failure based on not being able to compete and live up to this illusion of an expectation I have been creating in my mind that I have to look perfect to then be able to present myself as perfect, though this perfection doesn’t in fact exist. There is no one on the planet that is able to live up to the expectation I have morphed and changed and sculpted within my mind to be this perfect picture, it simply is illusionary and absolutely insane that I am allowing this point to have so much power over me. I realize though through support form eqafe that the mind is using these moments where I give in and give up within myself to take over and keep generating these thoughts and emotions for me to believe this is real, this is who I am so the mind within my physical body can generate energy and continue existing as it does in full control.
Though, thankfully I have supportive partner who helped me walk through the door and get me to the event where we needed to be at that moment. I again at the booth started to see these thoughts and the feelings were coming up of dread and feeling like I am a failure, but again I kept getting supportive words from those around me and this helped. I then saw this fear and I was looking at it and within me seeing that it is so strong and so big, I don’t know how I am going to be able to walk and do this, and stop participating in these thoughts and feelings. Though the only way to my freedom from these feelings and thoughts continuing to haunt me is for me to in real time stop them, breath, forgive myself, and stand within myself as a life force able and willing to move beyond my fears, and live self courage.
This the courage and living of never giving up or giving into to these thoughts and feelings of diminishment no matter what I face is an act of perseverance to push through and make this world a better place. So as life is here always to be faced as self, I then got put into the situation that I was fearing where I had to speak to the people walking by because there was no one else who could. So I started speaking. And again I started speaking, and then again, and by the fourth or fifth time I was feeling like my ‘normal’ self again, I found my words and I was actually pretty surprised at my ability to speak to others and find ways to explain the product in the moment.
My point to the blog is that in order to move through our fears and our beliefs about ourselves of self compromise like I have with this fear of people and believing I am not good enough for this, I realized that this resistance has to be walked through, the fears have to be walked through and faced in the moment, and I have to change in the moment, I have to move myself to change this belief about myself and prove that I can become more. Otherwise there is no other way to the success I want for myself in selling my product or the success to making the world a better place. I have to face these things and within this the gift had emerged where I was able to see my potential in action in real time as I shared myself and moved myself to support my business in the opportunities presented and I created to do so. I also am grateful for these people in my life who support me when I need it and are there for me when I am not there for myself.
Self forgiveness to come as I will walk more in the next blog on this point of letting go of fear and walking through resistances. Thanks.
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Cool blog/share, Garb! Thanks!
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