Have you Ever Felt Awkward? - Day 453

Photo Source

Looking at this word, I have been noticing this coming up more and more with interactions I am experiencing during my day, it’s more in relation to new people or people I am acquainted with and so it’s in relation to people and how I experience myself around people I don’t really know. I have realized that based on the definition of the word awkward which states “lacking skill or dexterity, lacking grace or ease of movement, lacking social graces or manners”, I can relate to each of these definitions within the fear of being seen in this way and also within the opposite polarity where I desired to have all these things, so from a systematic perspective, I am creating this cycle to feed into one another and keep each alive. These are just purely mind based where I will judge different words or gestures or thoughts I have as truth of who I am and so remember this and judging myself again in similar moments. So it’s really a cycle of abuse because when I slow down and actually become aware of what I am doing/saying, I am more alert and more effective within who I am.

So this is showing me that awkward experience within myself accompanied by an experience of feeling frozen or constricted in my expression, I am showing to myself when I am in a point of desiring to be something in my reality like effective or considerate, but I am not actually living it because if I was expressing myself, I would be alert and moving naturally and so the experience of awkward would not be something I would be experiencing.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this awkward experience inside myself as a judgment against me like I am not good enough in that environment or that I am lacking in some way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief about myself when I go into a room and that everyone within the room will see I am awkward and so judge me as this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as awkward from others and so within this create the experience of awkward within me cause in some way I have judged myself as less then and so create this as the who I am in this moment as that is what I am thinking about, how I am being judged by others as awkward when i am actually doing it to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I experience this emotional experience within me accompanied with the experience of awkwardness as a draining feeling of energy and feeling like I am deflated that this is in fact the acceptance of myself as this belief and as less then and so I am showing to myself in this moment by living it out with this emotional energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within a point of seeing this life of mine as a harsh world and that no one will ever care to stop and understand and get to know me so I will just be awkward and not have to face/deal with others whom I don’t care to get to know either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in fact not care about others enough to walk with them and support them unconditionally and so I use the word awkward and the experience of myself within that as ‘drab’ ‘low’ and ‘not able to express’ as a way to categorize certain people I don’t want to get to know and use this experience to not have to face others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as less then me or more then me and so not want to face them as well as myself when i accept and allow the awkward experience to take over. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the experience of awkward where I don’t have to move myself beyond my limitations and express myself outside my comfort zone and beyond the experience I am having of feeling low and less then, but can stay in it where i am comfortable as i have done this plenty of times before.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become awkward in the sense of diminishing myself within the environment and so i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not yet stand within courage as a steadfast within who i am as i practice living this more and more through this desire to be awkward and so hide.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide in fear rather then face the fear as face myself with others and walk the process of expansion and growth of self as i face and learn who i am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use awkward as a means to not have to face myself with other people I found strange, odd, weird, and not wanting to see where I stand with them because I fear being all these words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as odd, weird, strange, and not facing myself within these experiences to see who I am and where I stand within myself so I can learn and grow to be a better version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself in a way separate to what is here and voice myself in ways that is not supportive in what is best for all and so myself.

I commit myself to move myself beyond my fears of facing myself nad who I am to stand within these moments and find out where I stand so I can learn and expand to be better/best.

I commit myself to see the experience of ‘low’ ‘drabb’ and ‘not expressive’ as a flagg point where I am moving to self compromise and so I commit myself to find the point I am avoiding and not wanting to face.

I commit myself to face myself in fear and what I am not comfortable in and move to solutions with myself and others in the environment so we can know each other and live as equals.

I commit myself to create myself as an equal within living environments to stand as myself in what is best for all.

So a redefinition of awkward process walking is where I desire a push within myself to move beyond the energy experiences and the thoughts of self judgment and find a common ground with my environment and the people in it, and come to a equality within me toward them.

Awkward as a direct definition is where I am requiring adjustment and specificity within my application to facilitate growth and expansion, there is something I am not facing and trying to avoid so I find solutions.

Check Out these Awesome and Life Supporting sites:
Desteni I Process Lite - Free Course to Start your Journey to Life
Journey to Life Group - On Facebook
Desteni Wiki - For All Things Desteni Related
Desteni Forum - Share your Self with Other Destonians
Destonian Social Network
Self and Living Store
Eqafe - Self Perfection Support
Equal Life Foundation - Site