Day 16 - Commitment Phobia

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I realized recently that one of my major self sabotage point has been fearing commitments, whenever I get into a commitment with someone or something I do not last long, I get to a point where i put myself in a dire decision, and in the extreme nature of the decision that i have to make - go left or go right, I find i have been doing it in haste, in fear, within my mind, causing lots of regret later on in life and shame, and more fear. I am in a way feel delinquent in making a decision that is practical and can be best for all, so more a self judgment of not being good enough or capable, This I am seeing based on the manner in which i make decisions, where i can do it in the moment, spontaneous, but it is not my real spontaneous decision as everything in this reality is preprogrammed not for what is best but for enslavement. 

The moments one is real to direct self is when one self investigate, walk self honesty and self forgiveness, commit to living change of self that is of living substance that supports life growth, and in this walk what is best for all as in living the commitment of change for oneself until it's done. The decision being one that was self investigated in self honesyt, self forgiven to understand the flaws, and researched and understood in the fact checking, pros and cons, and living the understanding that is best. 

So it's a point of self change and self discipline, principled standing within the physical actions it takes to actually walk such a deep dive into self and a decision for instance that has to be made. This will require dedication and perseverance cause the mind/reality is not easy, it takes a point of grit but it's here as self responsibility and must be done. 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear i am gong to make the wrong decision, i see, realize, and understand there is no wrong decision and what is here is what one create as ones thoughts, words, and deeds, thus i see, and I commit to standing in my shoes and all others and creating a decision for myself that is best for all the best i can understand by living the process to understand all facets and facts of the decision I am about to make. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a form of self harm where i feel as if i do not have the ability or understanding to make a decision in my life that is best for all and will support life in it's fullest expression based on carrying my past here and seeing on all the rotten decisions i have made in specific moments in my life. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and not forgive myself fully for the past mistakes as actions done in the physical where i did not chose a path of best for all living, and in this create a point of self abuse and harm to see myself less then others and inferior and i can never stand as an equal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not equal and a lesser version of life who doesn't have any real worth and doesn't really need to exist/be here cause i will just continue to make the wrong decision and harm abuse life/myself. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the decisions made where based on not slowing down and walking the timelines within self investigation and self commitment to understand the ins and outs and fine tune the information so i can gather the facts and make an informed decision, but based on impatience i move in a way of self compromise which causes my life to be compromised and chaotic as it's not stable nor predictable but done in the moment. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decide that i am going to live impatience and not actually walk the step by step it takes which creates my life to be stable, but continue this, which is self abdication of responsibility to make a decision in a patient manner best one can as this is best for all and common sense.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed laziness within decision making where i don't slow down, but rush cause i allow the energy of it's too much pressure, it's too much to understand, i don't know, and the energy built up of these thoughts as pressure and tightness in my chest and into my head, where i feel like i have to just do it, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that i can breathe through the energy, releasing it, and finding the solutions within the slowing down and self investigation, writing/sounding self forgiveness, and change. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy and complacent in my responsibility to be my highest potential this life, and in this expect too much and so built up energy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become robotic and just have my mind blurt out the decision in the moment and live with the consequences of the chaos that'll ensue as i did not walk the self responsibility to under-stand what it is i am deciding on and will direct my life with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into the mind in the hast decisions and so not care in the outcome but me getting a fix of energy as a release of the pressure i allowed within the thinking thoughts, and in desire relaxing instead of walking the decision properly.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire a release rather then breathing through the energy and walking self forgiveness until i release the energy and direct it myself back to the earth, substance, my physical.

I see, realize, and understand i am responsible for myself and my actions and decisions.

I commit myself to as best i am able to take some time and space to write out a decision i am going to make, research ways to walk such a decision, and put it into writing and myself into it where i find the facts, and make an informed decision best i am able to when and as the moments arise and come up to do such a point.

I commit myself to stop judging myself for not living the best decision that i could have made. 

I commit myself to live the word patience which is to pay attention to my life and the life of all involved, and what is in fact best for all.

I commit myself to understand what is best for all within the actions and decisions i make and ultimately what is best for all life and will birth life within who i am as my life which will support in my outer life/world as well. 

Next blog on - relationship commitment fears.

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Best for all life until it's done.

Day 116- What is True Courage?

Looking today at this point of courage, what is true courage within myself and who I am within what I face in the mirror of my world and this world at large. I see within self that it will take great courage to walk what is being walked within the process at desteni, as I have found, because it is facing everything of yourself, all parts, especially the parts that I have dug deep within to never look at and have to really face.

I realize though that within this taking the journey to life and walking the process at desteni, is that those who are courageous will be the ones who walk, will be the ones who push through all the challenges and fears and struggles that will be faced, and will birth as life. The courageous ones will be those who stand in the face of the abusers and walk what has to be walked to bring about a world best for all, and use what is here, and what has been learned through self determination and will to see that nothing less then what is best for all is established and understood within all and by all. This is not an easy road to walk and as in one of Bernard Poolman’s recent blogpost, it will be the road less traveled, not to say that this is a point of defeatism, but simply a point of understanding as we are walking the re-disgn of everything we have ever beLIEved about ourselves as human beings and as life.

Now, the question I have been avoiding for quite some time, will I be the courageous one, and the answer within me has always been yes, this is what I have been waiting my life to do, walk the correction of myself into a person who can stand, be confident, be educated, be able to face anyone with reason and common sense, and stand up for life and all those who are suffering be a part and a help in creating this world in the best way possible for all equal as one. It’s not a question to who I am, but it’s the point of walking this as myself, stopping the irrelevant thoughts and backchat that make me miss reality here and become enslaved to the mind where in I submit and disregard life because of fear and self interest.

I am not willing nor stand to be an abuser nor accept and allow abuse in my world or this world at large, I will walk as the courageous one, who will put an end to the abuse of this world and create a reality where life is within all and all are living as equals as it should be in support and comfort as expressions of the gift that is ourselves, individual life beings with an opportunity to walk this path to life, where courage will be life as we have walked the courageous path to a new world and discard the old that was nothing, but cowardly slaves addicted to self interest and greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop me from being courageous in where I do not accept and allow anything less then the full dedication of myself to walk this path to life where I face all points, including and most especially the points that are suppressed and deep within that I have always been afraid to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop in the face of abuse towards myself or others because I feared being abused as well and thus allowed the abuse to continue where in I could have been a point of support to help settle the conflict or stop the abuse outright.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see courage within points of winning and doing things within competition, where I become seen as better then others, to thus be seen in self interest, where in I won’t help the being to simply help and support, but do it in a point of wanting glorification and desire to be noticed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of courage as a point of self interest where in I can gain over others and be seen in a specific way I desire of being the best, but this is not true courage as it is not done in the interest of all to stop abuse in this world, but is an act for my own self glorification and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take responsibility for myself and push myself through the resistance to face myself because of self judgment, where in I see myself as less then who I really am, but within this never actually seeing myself in reality for real as who I am, because I am in my mind in illusion which has no base in reality and no end in sight, until I end it, here the problem and the solution = me facing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a mountain out of a mole hole where in where I go into a point of overwhelmingness when I simply can look at the point within realistic terms, make a plan of action in common sense, and walk the path in steps, use the management tool of one step at a time within the living of one breath at a time, and walk and live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when a point comes that is ‘challenging’ it is not a point to fear nor shy away from, but it’s the point that needs to be faced as the ‘challenge’ within it, it is showing that I have always accepted myself to fall and go into the easy route by just skimming by based on the resistance, but here when it comes to points that I will face in my process, I will walk through them and face them, and do the necessary correction to walk as a courageous one and stop the abuse in my world and then eventually to the world at large as this is what is needed in this world, courageous people willing to walk to a new world that is best for all, which will not be easy, but be worth all the difficulties that will come.

 I commit myself to face the fear with in and stop the fear where in I understand the point by investigating and finding a way to see how it is created, thus fear will not be an issue as I will see it for what it is, and thus I commit myself to walk all the points that I fear for instances in self investigation that is needed to understand myself as the mind, so thus I can walk my process and get to a stability point where in I can take more responsibility in this process to change the world to a life we all can enjoy where everyone is supported and equality in all ways is the law.

I commit myself to walk all points that will stop abuse in my world and then the world at large, in where, I face what has to be faced and walk the point of courage no matter what has to be walked, only living by what is best for all life in common sense practical calculations and movements, and stopping all fear to face what is here.

I commit myself to walk courage within the paths of what is best for all in where I face what has to be faced in all areas of my life, to be able to gain stability within myself and self trust, so I can become a being who is self responsible and dependable to always do what is beast for all.

I commit myself to walk the point of self accountability and self honesty where in I face myself in all points and thus use the courage within myself to walk the dark dungeons of my mind, so it can be revealed and forgiven.

I commit myself to humble myself within my process of understanding who I am as life and learning the unconditional support and giving that life itself has given me in all areas of this natural world, and so walk the courage to face what has been done in greed and self interest by myself, and stand and correct it so it will never be allowed again.

I commit myself to stop giving relevance to irrelevant points within my mind, and walk the path of stopping all participation within the mind layers, through understanding it as me, and deleting it to stop the self judgments until it’s done.

I commit myself to stop the point of becoming overwhelmed and thus go into a point of disappointment, by managing my time effectively, and handling points within common sense understanding and resolution.

I commit myself to walk the path of the courageous one where in I make real the message of Jesus of give to another as I would want for myself, and correct all the points that will be faced in all ways, and walk through it by using my breath as stability, and pushing myself always to expand and grow never settling until life is here and we are in fact equal in all ways as life.

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