Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Fraudulent Behavior – Where Do I Apply? – Day 389

Not being authentic within who I am, where in my life have I existed and why do I exist within such a point of being fake, why would I do such a thing and continue to exist within myself in a ways such as fear and self judgment.

I see this as a more easier way of life, not that it’s a life I prefer, but a life that I have normalized and made comfortable. There are many times when it is not comfortable, but I realize I am the one who is making it uncomfortable. I have used this fake face as a point to insert myself into places where I want to have a specific comfort or point of desire where I feel accepted or feel part of something, but within myself all the time I never feel complete or whole. I feel this way because within myself I feel as if I am missing something or not as able as others I see around me, and so I will seek out this point of acceptance or comfort to escape the within of myself as feeling less then whole.

This not feeling whole or less then the me that exist here in this physical body living, stems into many aspects of my life where I see I am compromising myself such as anger outbursts, being mean towards others, having judgments towards others, being shy, not wanting to face others, not engaging, this all due to the fact that I am not in each moment finding where within myself I am not giving myself to myself and so I am being taken over by it and directed by my mind in separation which is usually within blame or ego.

What I am missing is my self and my self awareness to slow down in the moment and see where it is that I am projecting myself or judging myself or blaming others, and so instead of projecting take responsibility for whatever it is I am reacting to and change to stop it. This will need a point of self discipline to ensure that it in fact occurs based on the feelings one gets of energy when one follow a known behavior or the ‘safe’ way, and so I have to push myself to breath, stop and apply my change that I see is necessary to stop and walk what is best for all in self honesty. There is no excuses, I have the tools and the understanding to walk this, so I will support myself in steps of slowing down, I have started yoga, stretching, and breathing and self introspection sessions to support to slow down and get a change to give some time to myself and my physical. Also supporting with awareness, moving into self awareness is key to self direction, so these are points I will be pushing more in my every day living where I have been falling such as missing myself within the responsibility of how I am participating in my reality.

More to come. Thanks for reading.

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