Monday, July 22, 2013

“What If I was More” – Day 329

I have been looking at self acceptance for a while now, and have not had a satisfactory point within myself of seeing myself in this way. So I have been observing myself throughout the day to see where it is that I am not allowing myself to just live, be and accept who I am in each moment. The biggest point I am seeing is the point of accepting my physical appearance, seeing it within a point of judgment, and seeing this backchat thought of ‘what if I was looking like this, how my world would open up more.” “If only I had that feature or that look then I would really be able to do what I want”, and so this continues throughout the day, this accumulation of anger and disappointment because I want to look better then what I see in the mirror. I have always had this point within me through the desire to this belief system, that ‘if I was looking this way, then I would be so much more happy and appreciated, and loved”, and so it’s a constant point of self sabotage I am engaging within based on this very physical point that I can not change anything about my physical body in terms of it’s appearance. It is what it is and I have to accept it as such.

So this point that I am missing out on life due to the way I look and act within society is purely based on my own acceptances and allowances of judging myself and others and continuously comparing myself to my world around me, thus not applying myself in the physical in changing and stopping this pattern once and for all. Because obviously, I can not change my physical and I see how really selfish and self centered I am being due to fear of loss, but it is a point that I can change and correct within the relationship to myself so I can start to nurture and care for myself as a living being, the physical being who is here within this world and body and make something of myself then just a point of self sabotage and lost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of belief that I am missing out on life due to not being the best looking female that I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less then other females who I compare to myself as more feminine and womanly, and thus see me as not womanly and feminine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself less womanly then other women when I realize that I am not defined nor is anyone else defined due to their gender and that where integrity is born from is who we are within the way we live and treat others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as unworthy as a women compared to other women I see, and believe because I am not the top of the notch women look that I am thus less then others because I don’t have the same style as other females do and can’t pull off the looks other females can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and limit myself to styles and looks of what the picture presentation and expression of other women are conveying and comparing myself to that as seeing myself less then them, and then suppress my own expression due to a belief that I am just not stylish and beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a desire to be beautiful and stylish based on my desire to only define people based on what they look like and how they move instead of seeing people as different expressions that are unique unto themselves and not compare and judge, but live equal to it all because this is how I would like to be treated as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to exist in comparison and judgment towards my world instead of pushing my application of breathing here and remaining stable in letting go of these desires and walking the path of realizing and living equal with all beings I meet.

When and as I see I go into a point of desiring to be more then who I am here within my flesh, I stop and breath, and speak ‘no I am here, I accept me as who I am in this moment’ and breath through all the physical reactions of anxiety and tightness within the stomach, and move through the reaction with breathing until it is subsided and thus focus on what is being said/physical interaction rather then the picture.

I commit myself to walk this statement of when the desire comes up to compare or go into self sabotage, breath, and speak I accept me for who I am.

I commit to breath through the reactions of anxiety and fear of loss through continuing to state the who I am statement no matter what points come up within me to go into reaction.

I commit to embrace the other within who they are and walk the point of acceptance of myself in equality to the other through seeing that we are both life in the physical and focus on the physical and letting go of the attachment within my mind.

I commit to practice communicating with others and moving through these triggers of backchat thoughts through breath awareness and stopping all points of judgment of myself or others through practicing seeing direct, what is here, in the physical and as the physical.

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