Day 119- Disappointment Character – Sexual Prowess

I have found very often I will go into disappointment within myself when I realize that I have fallen in my process or have not lived up to the expectations I put on myself to be lived out, and thus will fuel the mind through this polarity of desiring to be successful in my process and becoming disappointed when I fall. 

Here I see that I am playing into the personality suit quite well and sabotaging myself by living into this mind illusional point because within reality disappointment is not real nor beneficial, when I go into disappointment, I go into a point of depression within myself and seeing myself as a failure. But realizing, after discussing this with Bernard, that within life and within process, we will fall multiple times. I mean it’s really common sense, such as riding a bike, you don’t expect to in the first try be able to get on the bike and just ride it, it’ll take practice, hard work, dedication, discipline, and all the points that make one an effective being in a physical task, so same with walking through the mind, I have to start living this realization that I am not going to be perfect, and that this perfection is not beneficial nor even at all realistic, so it’s to walk this within my world, and stop going into the disappointment character when I see that I have fallen within a point.

Looking at this point more specifically because as I was typing I was getting a pain within my leg in the inside, and this is linked to my sexuality as the point of pain was on that tendon that goes right up to the pubic area, so looking at this point of being disappointed within my sexuality and who I am within getting sex. Within this, I see myself as someone who is not good enough within my look and thus within going into any point of potential relationship, I will within the starting point always diminish myself based on this belief I have that I am not good enough compared to others that are out there, and that I will never be able to match up to other females. So being disappointed with myself as a female and within sexual relations with others, I always see myself at a disadvantage, as less then, not good enough, and never being able to live up to this idea that I will be enough for a man, so thus settling for less always then who I am as real life expression here, my full potential.

So this is a primary point within my life that I sabotage myself with, and within this there are memories that I am holding onto, that when a potential partner comes into the picture, I will scan through the memories and remember that I was rejected, I was called names, I was fucked over, and they all have a common denominator, that being that they all revolve around me falling. So whenever I meet someone, I will always use these memories to hold myself in place and not ever just go for it, and be myself in acceptance in not having any expectation, letting myself just enjoy myself with another and just live, but always within these meetings with the opposite sex, there is always an underlying disappointment lingering because I have already failed within my mind, so activating and living into the disappointment and depression that I can never be satisfied, but realizing now as I walk my process, I am doing this to myself.

So In my next post, I will walk self forgiveness and self correction on these points.

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disappointment, self delusion, sex, flirt, sexual identity, sexuality, sexy women, relationships, partner, rejection, desteni, equal life, journey to life, change the world, team life, 2012, eqafe

Day 75- "Sexy Flirt" Character

Here looking at the character I have created as being female and using my sexuality as mannerism to get attention from others especially the opposite sex, this to lure in a man and start the walk to get him in bed and calling him my boyfriend.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create myself in a way to lure in other males through being sexual in my mannerism and words as in flirting, so I can use them for my own happiness and satisfaction within my self interest and addictions. I realize and see that accepting myself to become a certain character as within being sexual in nature to get another to like me is not real liking as I am not real as I am just putting on an act to get my needs met in the end and thus I see and understand I must stop the fake act as putting on this sexual flirt character to lure in a guy as I realize guys are drawn to the sexual side of women and get tempted easily by this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to demean the act of sex within using it as a temptation for males to come to me and pay attention to me so I can get my nice feelings by using my body and words in a sexualized way were I know the man can't resist and thus I get an easy access to the man I desire through using sex as a means to get to an end for me. I realize and understand that within this relationship of using myself as a sex object for men I will be seen in such a way as I am demeaning my self respect and the respect of life in the act of playing a character to get sex from flirting and playing into this sexy role. I realize that I must stop this character playout of the sexual flirtatous character and walk equal and one to the man as myself to thus create equalibrium within the communication and direction within what I stand for and what Life is, which is to be honored and respected within all facets, and not used for my own self interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use life in self interest where I comprimise my own self standing by desiring more to have my happiness desires fufilled by being with the man I want and thus using myself as my physical bodies in ways that is not real nor true to who I am as life. I realize and understand to walk the correction I must stop my desires for happiness and thus stop using myself as my body in ways that will not support myself to stand one and equal as others but be seen in a way that is limiting myself and demeaning myself to be just a picture playing a role to get my energy addictions met as nice feelings.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not stand within this world with integrity where I stop all my desires and wants for my own self fufillment through energy by using myself as my physical body in flaunting it and pretending to be a persona that I am not as the sexy flirty girl. I realize that within this I am only trying to gain the feelings to make myself feel good when I realize that this feeling is limited in itself as it only last but a moment and thus has to continually be generated. Where as life I am here and thus need nothing to move me as I am fufilled here within the oneness and equality of all around me as we stand togther as one, and thus no need for characters or being sexy or flirting to get my needs met, but stand here within stability where I need nothing as I have everything.

I commit myself to stop the character of sexy flirt within and as a chase for others and stand here within myself as life and walk this process to be as life one and equal where nothing moves me but my own physical movement as the directive princple of myself.

I commit myself to walk in stopping my desires for men and using my self as my body within playing into a character to lure men in and use them so I can gain good feeling. I will to stop using myself as my phsyical and stand here equal to men as well as all life and walk what is best for all where I stop all desires of myself.

I commit to walk within writing all the characters I see within me that I play out to gain for myself in my own interest so thus I can stand here in equality with all with nothing to gain nor hide but be myself in expression as life.




sex object, sexuality, sex appeal, sexy women, flirt, flirting, boy crazy, characters, play, acting, pretend, living for others, equality, equal money, equal life, desteni, journey to life, 2012

Day 55- I'll Kill to be Skinny

I was watching a tv show and the girl and guy where sleeping together, she got up and had her bra on and exposed her whole torse area, she was very skinny and had a flat stomach. I have always desired to have a stomach that is flat and muscler, and when seeing this flat stomach on the screen, those thoughts came up and I saw that the desire is still there, thus I will walk the point on in self forgiveness and give myself some direction to not accept this any longer through self corrective statements.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the desire to have a flat stomach so I can be seen as fit and in shape. I realize and see that this desire to be a certain body type will only cause me to diminish myself as I will be in a constant state of comparison and competition with myself and others to have this perfect picture as a skinny stomach never being satisfied with who I am and accepting my body as me. I realize and understand I must stop these desires to be skinny and stop judging and comparing bodies as all is physical and all is here one and equal to me, I am not a picture but life here in the flesh living, I am not an idea I am here a living being breathing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize and see that the human physical body is here within and as each breath assisting and supporting me to live and express on this earth, me in competition and chasing an idea is hindering and diminishing the effectiveness and oneness of the potential of the physical as me, and thus I am compromising life's full potential for my own self interest to be attractive and seen by others while the body suffer with mal- nourishment and abuse due to desires to be more. I realize and see that this abuse and suffering to the physical is not acceptable and thus I must stop the ideas of desire through stopping my desire to be seen by others as more and thus accept myself as is and accept myself as the physical letting go of ideas of beauty and attractiveness, and live within my self living becoming perfected within who I am as life in expression and stop the worry about how I am being seen.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use pictures in my head of images I see on tv screens or in pictures to influence who I am and thus desire to be seen in a particular way as I have an idea that I will attract guys that I desire, this within and as superficiality where I desire a pretty picture and a man who sparks my sexual desires so I can have sex with a man that I can gain energy from as nice feelings so I can feel special and be seen equal to the picture and show that I got the 'cream of the crop' so thus exist within a point of using my body for my ego in competition to show that I can catch the 'hottest' male. I see and realize that this behavior is completely self abdication to the equality of life and thus using life to suit my own desires and needs of feeling good, so thus I must stop the abdication of myself to life by stopping my addiction to getting my desires fulfilled at the cost of life here and being a person who needs to win.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to win and be the best for my own self gain while I cause abuse to others in this case my physical body by exercising to gain a specific outcome and nourish it due to the idea in my head and limit it's intake so I can hold this idea and try to live into it. I realize and see that depriving my body of it's necessities to function and live here within and as this physical existence is causing unnecessary harm when I realize that the physical require certain needs to live and thus I as the physical equal and one will walk the necessary steps and understanding to make sure I am here within support and unconditional giving to my body to help it stay balanced and healthy one and equal to how I am giving life each and every breath through and as this physical body as the physical existence as life.

I commit myself to stop defining and judging myself based on others bodies and pictures on tv, but live here with all in who we are as this physical reality and stop participating in the mind to gain something for myself.

I commit myself to give to my physical body support and the necessary nutritions to live balanced and healthy and stop all forms of abuse due to ego and competition.

I commit to enjoy myself as the physical and accept all life as is and accept myself as who I am working only for what is best for all in all moments.



skinny, I want to be skinny, sexy women, beautiful people, models, magazine cut outs, sex, healthy body, human body, kill, harm life, physical reality, equality, eqafe, equal life, equal money, desteni, 2012, journey to life

Day 28- Me as Ugly

Walking this point of seeing myself as a ugly and thus what this imply within and as how I conduct myself within and as my living as less then who and what I am capable of being within and as the equality and oneness as myself here as this physical reality and all that reside here. I realize and see that this point of self sabotage of seeing myself as an ugly person is based on judging the word ugly as bad and thus defining others based on my idea of this word and thus sabotaging myself as I am only judging myself and causing abuse in the process.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see myself as a ugly and thus judge myself as less then other people when I come into contact with them firstly by the way they look.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see myself within and as my mind as a loser based on my picture presentation being ugly.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as ugly within and as the body picture presentation as if this picture in my mind define me and my projection as an idea of what is supposedly beautiful is not seen based on the picture in my mind and thus seeing the myself less then those who are this 'beautiful picture' I am comparing to in my head.

I forgive myself accepting and allowing myself to go into self interest within only desiring to see my idea of beauty within everything I see as I desire to be seen in this way as well and thus go into separation and judgement of others as if this is who I am and what matter here within this world. I realize and see the human physical body as what it is is a gift for us here to live and thus is functioning within physical considerations and supports and thus is not defined by any idea nor projection of beauty or ugliness coming from the mind, the body is here simply and absolutely one and equal with the physical as what the body consist of.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge life and the human physical body as ugly/beautiful within an idea that this is an either/or point and thus judging others based on a positive or negative charge depending on what  polarity I see them in.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge a being based on the positive charge within liking them or being attracted to them if they 'fit' into this picture I have in my head as a lean muscular athletically attractive looking picture in my head.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold a picture within my head as a memory of a lean, athletic, muscular, attractive looking in my mind and thus define life by this picture.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define life based on picture in my mind and thus separate me here from the life being that reside and is one and equal with the human physical body.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take advantage of the human physical body within and as my self as I see and realize it unconditionally supports me and allows me to live even with all the abuse and mis-treatment I have given it over my lifetime, it is here for me thus I commit to walk in oneness and equality with it as my self to thus stand and be here within support and assistance to all life and to thus support and assist the human physical body as I would want and it does always with me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from my human physical body based on my desire to be perfect for others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to be perfect for others because I am not seeing nor walking self perfection within and as my living but trying to attain it through my mind which is impossible because the mind is generated by illusion and polarities of positive/negative thus always causing friction within and as self to generate energy to stay alive. The mind is energy generating for and as itself as who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be so thus it can stay alive as we do as we have come to believe that we are our minds only.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am only my mind here thus missing me here as living within and as myself in each breath as life in what is real as this physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to walk within and as desires in the mind of trying to live for others instead of remaining here and living here within and as myself coming to practical solutions for this world stopping the self interest of myself to gain good feelings from others as praise and compliments.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to be complimented from others to give proof and evidence of who I am as I am seeking for this approval from others as I don't see it within myself as I see myself as less then and thus define me as ugly as this being a bad thing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to seek approval from others in my world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to give the word ugly a negative charge and thus see others and myself within and as my world as being ugly and thus judging this as less then those I see as beautiful.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to give the word beautiful a positive charge and thus judge others and myself within my world as more then this based on the idea I have formed as beauty as a picture in my head.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define life by pictures in my mind and thus define and limit myself as this physical existence to the mind as illusion as ideas thru pictures. I realize this is not real and thus I stop this and walk as the physical equal and one as who I am.

When and as this point comes up to judge my physical or any other life here within the polarity of ugly/beauty, I stop, breath, and say "I am here and I am physical life one and equal with all beings" stopping all thoughts, ideas, pictures within and as myself by letting them go, and live here within and as physical practical movements until I am no more moved by polarities or mind ideas.

I commit to walk as life in the physical and stop defining myself within and as pictures and ideas of polarities as beauty/ugly and positive/negative.

I commit to stop the pictures in my head as memories of past and live here within and as breath to let go of this energy.

I commit to stop taking the physical human body for granted and walk in support and assistance one and equal with it, so thus we can align together and live in peace as this world as myself as this physical existence.