Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Day 319 – Why Do I Care So Much What Others Think of Me?

This is a question I ask myself often. Many times, I have talked to people here and they bring up a good point of, ‘it is quite strange that one continues to care what others think of them over and over again’, like wasting a life on just caring what others are thinking of self all the while one is completely missing the opportunity of life here right within the very ‘Me’ I am questioning.

I have come to the conclusion as a realization that caring so much what others think of me is because I am not able to see myself, I have created such a relationship of abuse towards myself that I am not finding a stable ground to even get a grip on who I am here and what I am actually participating in. I am participating in an action with the result of sabotaging myself and my opportunity at the life I can decide to have if I dare. I have tools, I have skills, I have my physical body, I have breath, I have food available to eat, I have clean water, I have a roof over my head, I have an income, I have everything practically within this world to make something of myself, and all I am doing for most of my day is worrying about what others are thinking of me.

I find myself often lost in my mind about this and that, and this look and that eye movement from another, and that will keep me busy for a long while, speculating, trying to attempt to figure out and interpret what that eye role meant, and mulling about in my mind about how I was in that moment, did I do something foolish, and then an interesting thing happens in the mind, it will start creating different scenarios which actually confuse you and then you go after a bit of time, wait where have I been, and what am I actually thinking about here. It’s like the mind can keep us busy with this train of thought, and me like a carrot on a stick just continue to follow it. It seems natural really, but if you look at the consequence of thinking in this way and being lost within the mind in self judgment, what kind of person does that create, someone who is possessed with fear and can not function properly in life.  

Thankfully, I am walking my process of self purification and I have made the decision to never give up and complete this task of stopping my mind from directing me and my judgments and abuse towards myself and others until it is done. Because really it is like not at all doing anything in anyway that is useful, firstly its not even fact, it has no relevance, but I still participate within it. I have seen though that over the time I have dedicated myself to stop this one specific point of self judgment it has gradually faded and dissipated, it is slow and like steady dissipation over time, it’s like a snail, moving very slow like you can’t really tell that your moving, but if you see the duration of a time frame, you notice movement, I can sense it and see it in my living. So that’s cool as I know I can stop this point, it’s just a point of consistency, walking the process, and continuing to stop going into my thoughts and focus on breath by breath living, making that decision and sticking to it.

So it’s definitely not a quick fix, it takes a lot of time, patience’s, practice, self discipline, and self investigation to become aware of how one gets possessed by thought patterns and gets lost in the mind, such as fearing what others think of me. But as this can be seen within the words, the fear is not real because these thought in one’s mind are not in fact real, it is assumption and 99% of the time, completely different context then what one thought. So it’s to let go of the fears and judgments of what others think of me, and start to walk this path of self acceptance and self care, if I don’t care for me no one will, so I must get myself going and stop this. Study desteni research and the mind in amazing new research done on how it contribute to the insanity we see in this world and especially within our own heads.

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