What was my backchat about tonight? Day 424

About Being controlled through the implications of the words being used.

Creating anger towards him based on believing this statement is true that I am being controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the back chat I created of assuming the words being used was based and implied to show control  over me and form me into someone that I am not in awareness directing as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control others and desire to control others to get what I want out of the situation and have my will be dominate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control others for my own self interest and exist within the point of not wanting to form agreements and find solutions because I want to win as I am being driven by ego and competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within competition and so exist within self compromise because I realize I am only competing with myself and so fighting against myself as life here is all me. I must will solutions for them to be for real for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is someone who exist within an absolute knowledge of who I am and that I don’t need to or want to listen to anyone else telling me either in reaction or in real introspection who I am within what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the information based on the one giving the information as I have judged them within it and so skewed the whole point being presented instead of a learning process and an opportunity to expand myself to then go into my mind and reacting and feed energy as anger and frustration towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal that I being told what to do and given directions within being informed within it of what is happening and what is being done and so within this go into an energy of ‘f that’ and not wanting to cooperate or find solutions with others in my reality, and stop separating myself and causing abuse, and breath, look again, see what all the options are, and create a path as a solution that will support all involved as I realize, see, and understand that this option is here and I can decide to live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ego and self interest where I want to win and be right and compete with this being and not become humble and let go of these desires to fight and compete, and so miss the opportunity to create the path for peaceful resolutions that are available if I but walk it into reality and stop my mind from reacting and going into alternate realities as imagination, backchat, and projected play outs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk self forgiveness on the point and not implement the forgiveness realization within the next breaths I took and so create a passive aggression within the forgiveness I am speaking which is only diminishing myself and so creating the diminishment of my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my reality within who I have become as my living action and so create abuse rather then slowing down and finding the solutions that will support growth and intimacy with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not desire to get close to others and develop intimacy because I am afraid of being hurt and so will fight and disagree within this desire to not have to face this fear with others of being hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept fear as my reality instead of standing up within and determining myself within my own self will to stand as integrity lived and stop the emotions though embracing them and moving them through me as I see they no longer serve me, and walk the stability of being here, and the solutions that will open up as I see more of what here is as the distractions of energy as emotions has been released.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stop energy and let go of my ego because I have become safe within it and determined who I am as it, and this comfort I do not want to give up, but I realize, and see, and understand that this comfort is not real comfort as it’s only based on stagnation and abuse as separation with others as I become isolated and shut myself off from others to not have to face this discomfort that is happening when I move beyond my fear and face my reality I have created and so this comfort is actually not real because it never leads to lasting comfort as stability within self.

When and as I see I am going into my backchat and starting to critic and think about others in blame, I stop and breath, and realize that this is only going to cause the self diminishment of me and stop the process of self expansion within my reality and intimacy with others that I can create as solution process that will be opening up if I just stop energy and walk with others in humbleness.

I commit myself to stop going into backchat through breath and embracing myself as it and releasing it as I realize it is not who I am, I do not define myself as this any more, and let it go.

I commit myself to breath until I am stable and then walk self forgiveness on the points I see I wanted to blame others or compromise myself with in separation to my world.

I commit myself to let go of judgments of others as I realize this is only judging and condemning myself.

I commit myself to in all it’s forms breath and find solutions that will support life and what is best for all through humbleness process of releasing my ego through self forgiveness and breathing and self correction, and walking this correction as solutions with others in my world and reality to create a better world.

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Why Do I Resist Physical Movement? Day 423

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There is a point that is here currently for me to look at, which is me resisting writing out a mind construct, and as I started this blog I initially after I typed the first couple words I had a thought to go and hug henri who is lying write next to me. So this is an interesting set of behaviors I endeavored in instead of simply typing my blog, which was my plan of action, I first before the thought of going to cuddle with henri came, I had a resistance come up to start typing.

This resistance was in the form of a feeling, so it wasn’t something that I was consciously aware of nor was it something that I can even specifically describe or pinpoint now, but through the pattern that is coming up within going to write, I feel this resistance come up usually. So it’s more a physical experience of a heaviness or not wanting to physically move my body and self to do what it is that has to be done for instance here type out my blog, and this experience was accepted very fast, without me even noticing, as I followed the next thought and picture that came up of having a nice feeling when I could cuddle with my dog henri, and so I stopped what I was originally planning on doing and went and hugged henri. Distracted and moving more into resistance to physically moving, and more into my self interest and desire to do nothing for a moment, and so missing the moment to express here.

So the mind obviously within us knows what it is doing, it not only knows, it has programmed itself in specific ways for it’s own will and so we as the beings within our body/mind relationship have programmed ourselves within ourselves through accepting and allowing the mind to move myself through my thoughts into a point of self sabotage. I am abdicating my responsibility to ensure I walk the process I have committed to walk, and so ‘wasteing’ time in essence with an imbalance through seeking more and more relaxing times then that which is time dedicated to finishing tasks. And I realize that writing a blog as well as a mind construct is something that is supportive and helps me to stabilize this imbalance and become the potential that I can see in myself, but because I have conditioned myself so much in energy, I have now shown to myself that I am too much accepting and allowing this experience of resistance and missing the opportunities here to engage in my self change to walk this process to life, time is of the essence there is none to waste.

But here I stand and I must admit that this point has taken a lot of time to sink in and at time’s I have been steadfast and consistent within myself in moving myself in the physical and other times I have not done or lived in ways that produce worth, I am too much allowing my mind to put carrots out in front of me as thoughts and taking the snap at it, but realizing that this carrot stick leads to no where, but more desire, more wants, more emotional upheaval, and so continuing to exist in the mind cycle of resisting that which is physical and living in the mind as thoughts, memories, and pictures through energetic reactions to live. I am not living while I am resisting. 

Cuddling henri is obviously not good or bad, it is the starting point in which I have chosen to do so, and in the above I have shown that it was done in a moment of accepting resistance and taking the ‘easy way out’ so to speak to gain comfort, gain a positive feeling with no effort, and so create within my living nothing of substance.

What I want for myself and so for everyone is to create that which is of substance, that which nurtures myself and so all others, and that which will create myself who to be able to direct myself in what it is that I see is best for me and so best for all, creating me as the living word that always does what is best for all. If I don’t live consistency and principled in a way that births life in the physical, then I am not creating anything of substance and becoming part of that which takes from life, takes from this physical existence, and does not sustain self and so what is here as life. This is not the life I want to create, and so in my next blog I will walk the process of self forgiveness and self correction to give myself direction in the next moments this points comes up again and walk what is substantial here in physical reality through my living. Thanks for reading.

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Do the Clothes I Wear Have an Effect in My Communication with Others? Day 422

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I listened to an eqafe interview on assessing ourselves within our daily decisions, one they mentioned and it fits within the topic I am currently writing about within communication, and it is who am I in relation to the clothes I wear and how does it effect me with communication with others? Clothes I have found are a huge contributing factor in the way I experience myself each day and how I will approach others in going to communicate with them, I do notice that I am interested in the way the colors look on me and if I see I look ok then I will experience myself as ok. If I see that something doesn’t suit me, then I will go into an experience of judging myself energetically as I see the feeling within me goes sour. This I have attached to this over all perceived belief within myself that I am not worthy or in some way missing something, and so when I see something I wear that doesn’t please my eye right away, then I will go into this energetic experience of low, validating my belief about myself that I am less then and not as good as those who would look good in such clothing that I am not wearing well. So I am setting myself up within my reality to be doomed so to speak as I am seeking perfection in this instance within the clothes I pick out, but realizing that not all the clothes I try on will suit me and fit properly as the clothes are made for all shapes and sizes. The clothes I wear do not define me as a human being, it is simply just cloth that covers my body for warmth and protection. This may seem quite non-relevant, but within the experiences of myself within the way I feel or judge myself in certain specific clothes is showing there is a problem as I am defining myself not by how I live in each moment, but on what I look like and how I will be perceived. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on the way I feel in the clothes energetically as an excitement and/or a depression because of a judgment I made in relation to the picture I saw in the mirror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on the picture I see in the mirror and so accept the energy as who I am within these moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question energy absolutely within me and never question it’s reality and who I am within it and why I am doing this in the way I am as diminishing myself and/or exalting myself about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others through positive remarks and compliments I may get within the clothes I wear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then fear getting negative remarks from others and feeling the energetics of negative emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am by external people and within as energy reactions to the external, I see and realize that this is disempowering self as I am only in a state of reaction and seeking, rather then directing myself in focus and stability in what is best for all and self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and how others will treat me based on the clothes I wear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am defined and determined within my reality by the way I experience myself in my clothes and so go into future projection scenarios on how others will perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into future projections about my clothes and what I am wearing based on how I think others will perceive me and judge me in a negative or positive way based on this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged in a negative way by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine myself based on the fears of not being liked and accepted and base my decisions on these fears rather then what makes sense to be done in the moment practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to look a specific way to be accepted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for the way in which they look and perceive them in specific ways without first getting to know them and seeing who they are as a person.

When and as I see I am going into a point of fear and judgment towards myself or others when I am determining what clothes to wear, I stop and breath, and I realize that this will only compromise my effectiveness in communicating with others and so my effectiveness within living in a way that supports me and others because I am not here living within in reality, but distracted by fears and worries based on how others see me.

I commit myself to assess my clothing based on practical factors such as the activity I will be doing as well as the comfort level of myself within it physical.

I commit myself to look within me self honestly and assess who I am within the clothes I chose and I commit to ensure I make the decision based on my own self direction and so I commit myself to stop judging myself and others based on clothes and get to know who the being is and even why they chose the clothes they did.

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My Relationship With Others- I am a Failure – Day 421

Art By: Matti Freeman

So here I just listened to a few resonant interviews that were held through the desteni productions channel back in 2010 and 2011, please click the links to listen they were very helpful to me, but anyways, I got some great insight through them into my own process and my own mind. One of the contributing factors to my experience of myself with others is this already accepted and allowed belief of myself that I am a failure and that no one is going to want to be around me or be connected to me because I don’t have much to offer.

Now in physical reality I am not really aligned with my mind as I do have things to offer and I do have people around me that see that I can contribute to things, but all the while I am allowing and accepting back chat that I am the opposite, that other’s are not wanting to be around me, and that I am of no worth to others. There is this underlying experience and backchat that is going on that everyone sees me as this despicable person and there is no reason to for me to even approach them because I will be rejected, so I am fighting this within myself. This is very self abusive to myself and so also contributes to my outflows of abuse towards others in different outlets in my daily life, I see, realize, and understand I am participating and becoming possessed in the mind within beliefs that are not based or grounded in reality as I am not basing myself or grounding myself in reality, but too much allowing thoughts and emotions to direct me in my day to day living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be a failure before I even attempt to try or engage with people or in a event in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind when it says that I am not worthy to be with others and that others don’t want to be around me, and so create and manifest this in my reality by not being receptive or physically participating with others but secluding myself and closing the door of opportunity before it has even begun to open.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within myself I am inherently flawed and existing within a point of having something inherently wrong with me based on judging different parts of myself within reality that I have created an absolute about and believe that who I am in this state is who I am always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no worth in this world and no value within myself in who I am as a being because I judge myself based on the way I act and look and so see that I am not as good as others as I am still accepting and allowing comparison to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself inferior to others and so fear rejection from others as I have placed worth in others higher then my own self worth.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put my own self worth into the external world and so get emotional and fear the external not accepting me, when i don't accept myself and reject myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my external reality and so disempower who I am within myself as a living being in my physical body and so in my physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to exist within comparing my expression to others and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to create separation within my world in positive and negatives and create my world into a desire to win and so create the disappointment when it turns out to be the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within beliefs that I have no skills and I am not smart and so believe that I will be of no use to anyone that is wanting to be with me or get me involved in a project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the self victim state within myself where I see that I have too much on my plate and so believe that I am being put under too much pressure when in reality it is me holding onto these self pity of seeing myself as less then others and that I will fail at this anyway and disappoint everyone around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to disappoint others and will do this because I am not able to get things done and do things in a way that is efficient because I believe myself to be not capable and not smart enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not smart enough and not capable enough to move beyond my mind and my beliefs and work within physical reality, participating with reality, and moving myself as living in physical reality with others to walk what is here, and let go of the points that are not supporting me and move within what I am able to do in each breath.

When and as I see I am in a point of  belief and thinking of how I am a failure and judging myself within any way that is in polarity, I stop and breath, and look within myself to realize that I am able to live here and express myself, it only takes a breath and a movement, I realize I don’t have to continue to exist within this mind belief of less then, and can let it go and exist in a way that is by principles and self directed assuredness through building self trust and self integrity by living my words.

I commit myself to let go of and stop all back chat that is self defeating and also self praising.

I commit myself to move through these energy experiences of feeling low or desiring to get a high.

I commit myself to move myself in physical reality in these moments where I want to go into self defeat and push my fears to stop them.

I commit myself to walk this path until I am here and able to self honestly live my utmost potential and prove to myself that I am able to direct myself and have let go of the system thoughts that I am not capable and no one likes me.

I realize that it’s not about the other or the external reality, but who I am within myself, so I commit myself to build myself within my living word and stop my mind from directing me into self compromise as I direct myself as the mind into and as self correction in alignment with what is best for all.

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Starting to Investigate My Relationship with People – Day 420

Visit the Artist's blog: Andrew Gable

My relationship with people over the years has been shaky at best, I have always had a feeling of separation with others, I always felt that I had to get into a certain state within myself to be around people, like it took energy and effort to be with others, it was not easy and only enjoyable once I found my place. I always was looking for my place, I was always in fear of where to find it, how to get there, if I was going to be accepted, and would it last. So there was a lot of factors I was creating to even approach people and figure out how to continue to stay with them and how in fact was I able to do that. Because there was no manual on how to be friends with or exist with other humans, it was all kind of just there when I came of age and realized that being with other humans was not a walk in the park, it was going to take dedication and effort to make it work.

So the issue I was having over the years of not wanting to be with others was when I was bullied in school, and found out that not everyone likes me, not everyone is friendly, and this world isn’t so nice and great as I believed it was as a child being rather innocent to the harshness that is existent here. I started to develop fears about my body image and what I had and didn’t have compared to other kids. I started to realize that money was important and that buying the things to keep up with the other people I knew was needed to be able to continue to play in the social games of making it with groups. So once I started being bullied, I suppressed myself quite a lot, I would not do or say anything to instigate those that were calling me names as the emotional feelings within this were extreme. I can see and will be opening up the construct of being a bully and being bullied as a play out of the way in which we have designed our world and designed our relationships with each other based on the belief that this is what it takes to survive and this is how human nature is and this is how it’s always been. How existing within starting points such as these is in a way giving up on oneself and life to live in a way that is more abusive and existing within self interest alone that has been consequential as we see with the world and our relationships within it from children up into the world system., nothing really changes, just the dynamics and contexts do, we are still bullying each other and creating conflict with no real effort and dedication to find solutions.

So I was starting to develop my mind through what I valued within others based on things such as beauty, wealth, and personality and I myself started to based who I was on comparing and competing with others through these ideas of value I had created. This then created more and more separation with people in my world, being this way where I am basing who I am on very superficial ideas was not very fulfilling, I started to more and more dislike being around people and having to keep up these appearances and ideas of myself that in reality did not match. Over time my paranoia increased on how others thought, judged, and/or perceived me, I started to more and more alienate myself from meeting new people and pushing myself more and more in the belief that all people are fuck ups and I can not trust anyone.

I realized though overtime and through the desteni process that I engaged in some years ago that I have created the state in which I am existing within in this moment, I thought the thoughts, I created the beliefs, I judge myself and others, I abused and created competition with others, I am responsible for the way I have designed and created myself in this moment. I can not point fingers at any other person, place, or thing because in the end this is disempowering myself to ever create the change that I am capable of to become a human being that is trustworthy and self directed. Not living off of needs or wants, but through principles that support life and so will always support me by implementing and solidifying them through my living over time proven through time in the physical. Each one has to find the will and forgive themselves for who we have become and what we have done in the past, and again embrace each other and support each other as we have done for ourselves. Humbleness is key for such an endeavor of self purification and supporting life in this way.

So for the next blogs to come I want to investigate and understand more of who I am in communication and relationship with others, and how I can live the words humbleness and friendliness in a way that supports myself and others to become the best we can be.

More to come in my next blogs, thanks for reading.

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