Sunday, August 3, 2014

Starting to Investigate My Relationship with People – Day 420

Visit the Artist's blog: Andrew Gable

My relationship with people over the years has been shaky at best, I have always had a feeling of separation with others, I always felt that I had to get into a certain state within myself to be around people, like it took energy and effort to be with others, it was not easy and only enjoyable once I found my place. I always was looking for my place, I was always in fear of where to find it, how to get there, if I was going to be accepted, and would it last. So there was a lot of factors I was creating to even approach people and figure out how to continue to stay with them and how in fact was I able to do that. Because there was no manual on how to be friends with or exist with other humans, it was all kind of just there when I came of age and realized that being with other humans was not a walk in the park, it was going to take dedication and effort to make it work.

So the issue I was having over the years of not wanting to be with others was when I was bullied in school, and found out that not everyone likes me, not everyone is friendly, and this world isn’t so nice and great as I believed it was as a child being rather innocent to the harshness that is existent here. I started to develop fears about my body image and what I had and didn’t have compared to other kids. I started to realize that money was important and that buying the things to keep up with the other people I knew was needed to be able to continue to play in the social games of making it with groups. So once I started being bullied, I suppressed myself quite a lot, I would not do or say anything to instigate those that were calling me names as the emotional feelings within this were extreme. I can see and will be opening up the construct of being a bully and being bullied as a play out of the way in which we have designed our world and designed our relationships with each other based on the belief that this is what it takes to survive and this is how human nature is and this is how it’s always been. How existing within starting points such as these is in a way giving up on oneself and life to live in a way that is more abusive and existing within self interest alone that has been consequential as we see with the world and our relationships within it from children up into the world system., nothing really changes, just the dynamics and contexts do, we are still bullying each other and creating conflict with no real effort and dedication to find solutions.

So I was starting to develop my mind through what I valued within others based on things such as beauty, wealth, and personality and I myself started to based who I was on comparing and competing with others through these ideas of value I had created. This then created more and more separation with people in my world, being this way where I am basing who I am on very superficial ideas was not very fulfilling, I started to more and more dislike being around people and having to keep up these appearances and ideas of myself that in reality did not match. Over time my paranoia increased on how others thought, judged, and/or perceived me, I started to more and more alienate myself from meeting new people and pushing myself more and more in the belief that all people are fuck ups and I can not trust anyone.

I realized though overtime and through the desteni process that I engaged in some years ago that I have created the state in which I am existing within in this moment, I thought the thoughts, I created the beliefs, I judge myself and others, I abused and created competition with others, I am responsible for the way I have designed and created myself in this moment. I can not point fingers at any other person, place, or thing because in the end this is disempowering myself to ever create the change that I am capable of to become a human being that is trustworthy and self directed. Not living off of needs or wants, but through principles that support life and so will always support me by implementing and solidifying them through my living over time proven through time in the physical. Each one has to find the will and forgive themselves for who we have become and what we have done in the past, and again embrace each other and support each other as we have done for ourselves. Humbleness is key for such an endeavor of self purification and supporting life in this way.

So for the next blogs to come I want to investigate and understand more of who I am in communication and relationship with others, and how I can live the words humbleness and friendliness in a way that supports myself and others to become the best we can be.

More to come in my next blogs, thanks for reading.

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