Friday, January 4, 2013

Day 198- ‘Taking things Personal’ Personality - Memory dimension

For Further Perspective, you can check out relevant blogs:
Day 190 – Opening up an Event of Attack within The “Taking Things Personally” Personality
Day 191 – 'Taking things Personal' Personality – Thought Dimension - “She is Wrong”
Day 192 – ‘Taking Things Personal’ Personality– Fear Dimension – No Conflict!
Day 193 – “Taking Things Personal’ Personality – Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness in facing conflict
Day 194 - "Taking Things Personally" - Backchat Dimensions - It's Her Fault!
Day 195 –"Taking Things Personally" - Backchat Dimensions - Self Responsbility
Day 196- “Taking it Personal” Personality – Reaction Dimension – “Rudeness Demon”
Day 197 - Reaction Dimension – In the ‘Taking things personally” Personality

Looking at this event that I have been walking in previous blogs of being confronted, where I ended up causing unnecessary consequence of making her the problem, and so not facing the fact that I was the cause of the whole point in the first place. So within this through writing out the point in my last blog, I found amemory I was accessing when this emotion would come up of embarrassment that helped fuel my behavior into consequences which was not benefiting anyone.

I found within this emotion of embarrassment, I went into a point of resistance towards the girl at work because I immediately blamed her for this feeling I was having based on the memories that was going on within me that I was unconsciously accessing within the moment of blame.

These memories were based in childhood, and it was being confronted either by a yell or by a ‘negative’ approach towards me from others that would create this emotion of embarrassment within myself, which caused me to feel inadequate and weak.

I really disliked being embarrassed based on the way it made me feel back in those days of being alone and being seen by others as less then who I wanted to be seen as, so based on defining myself by how others saw me, I was now defining myself based on others reactions towards me. The embarrassment feeling within these memories of being called out are loaded with pain and sadness, and these are feelings I suppressed within me based on seeing them as making me weak. I did not want to be seen as weak, and so I suppressed that which I perceived made me weak, which was this feeling of embarrassment. This though never actually changedanything or dealt with the source of why I was seeing myself in this way and being effected so by embarrassment, it was just getting pushed down and thus never dealt with. So it would come back again as it did in this event as it’s still here, I am just pretty much ignoring the effect it has on me and the consequence it has in my life til now.

So when I was confronted within this point of being late and thus reacted in embarrassment because of being in the ‘wrong’ so to speak, I become abusive towards this girl for triggering this feeling and thus triggering the memory of being called out in front of classmates or yelled at by an adult in front of others.

This memory then lead to the energy of embarrassment and anger, and thus I continued to justify my actions within myself of abusive behavior towards her of being rude and quick based on accepting these energymovements as who I am. So accepting and allowing these memories as well as the feelings and emotions to influence and thus direct my behavior causing me to feel and be, in a way, out of control, as the energy is so overbearing and possessive that when I was in it, I found it was very hard to stop it. I remember observing the energy and found it very intoxicating and addicting, like I didn’t want to get out of it, I was now within mymind ‘right’ and justified and so I lived this into the physical and caused more conflict rather then solving the issue right then and there because I was in the right, I was going to win, and it only mattered of my own self interest, which is not ok as this hurt the other and caused conflict that was not necessary at all.

I will walk the self forgiveness and self commitments in my next blog, thanks for reading.

Artwork By Fellow Destonian:
Matti Freeman

Check Him out here:

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

No comments:

Post a Comment