I find this desire for control is quite strong within me, for instance, with my dog, he will often push my authority and boundaries by continously jumping on me and try and fight with me, this is when we are out in the field and we are playing. It’s more a point of dominance as he is just showing me equal and one what I am doing to him as I have this idea within myself that I am the master and he is mine to direct. But we are equals, and thus this point of dominance is not necessary as we can co-exist within this respect. I see I go into this selfrighteous point of, please you are a dog and I am a human, you are the one who has to listen to me, I am your master and thus this is who I am to you, and this is not something that I consciously see of myself as I believe myself to be a great dog owner and friend, but within this event I see that there is more brewing under the surface.
This sense of power comes in with control as power is something that makes me feel special and superior then others and I only receive this sense of power when I have dominated and controlled another, like a form of winning. This making me feel good like I am better then others because I came to the point of control and now they have to give their power to me, this is within the example of my dog I am using here. Like gettingsatisfaction of having the dog submit to me and sit and stay when I tell him to, and within myself havethoughts of, ‘look at me, I am so good that I have this dog just do exactly what I say.” Believing this is all me and getting good feelings as a reward from this within my mind as I believe I have power and control over of him, thus "I must be pretty special then, like I must be like an animal communicator", which has come up in my mind which I have desired to be, thus desiring fame/recognition for such a talent. This all being self interest. But who is the one in this situation with the real power is Henri as he is showing me how to be disciplined and have self control, and this point of aggression and dominance I am creating within our relationship by being this way with him at times is being directed back at myslef through Henri as he is showing me what I am doing. He doesn't force me to be or do anything, he is just here and lives.
Animals are a unconditional support for humans to show us who we are and who we can be, I am amazed at how henri can go up to any human and be friendly and enjoy their company within their expression, they don’t think about anything, they just go and be expressive with the different humans no matter who it is, where I would be in judgment and be thinking of the past, and not be expressive, but be in my mind.
I find this point of power and control is based within me living and designing myself within competition in a point of fear and inferiority, like I will have to be strong and take over others or I will be the one to be taken advantage of. As well as compensating within this point of seeing were I am weak in, use what I can within the other to exploit and take advantage of, so I have a better chance of survival and I am more secure. All to be someone in my mind that I can believe is me, this strong, powerful person, but within myself I feel really crappy, not strong, but weak as I realize the abuse I am causing and the abuse this type of mind frame causes within this world, nothing but self compromise and abuse to life.
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