Here continuing to look at the taking things personal personality within the dimension of fear, and how this personality was energized and sustained through this fear of being in conflict that I had when I was confronted about being late. I found when I was confronted, I went into a fear of having to confront her because I was in the ‘wrong’ and knew I had no defense, so I went into the thoughts of justifications as I wrote in last blog to take the easy way out and make it about her within myself. This was in my own self interest based on negating the direct conflict and also being the winner in myself because I used the thoughts as ‘she’s is wrong’ and ‘can she just chill’ through seeing me as the victim and so, I created that within myself and thus was rude and brushed her off. Not actually facing her and speaking to her directly in her eyes, and admitting to my inconsideration’s and saying I was sorry, but avoiding her and blaming her for the way I was feeling within myself which was uncomfortable.
So the fear of not having to face her and get into a conflict drove me into having this belief that I have to defend myself and based on the belief that I have to defend myself because of this idea that conflict will make me vulnerable to attack, I suppressed myself in not saying anything much to her and calling her out in my head in blame for making this fear activate of conflict and thus blaming her for making me feel vulnerable, and this was lived physical in my behavior when I didn’t turn to say good bye to her when she said bye to us. Spitefulness and blame go hand and hand within not taking responsibility and being completely possessed within my own thoughts and emotions of blame towards her for this fear emotion I was feeling of being exposed and thus open to vulnerability within her confronting me about being late, and so made the whole activity within myself about her, distracting myself from facing myself and taking responsibility for who I was being within that moment of activation of the 'taking it personal' personality.
All of this being activated and walked through within a split second and thus once this was activated, the taking it personal personality, this whole chain event occurred of not taking responsibility for my actions, but using thoughts and fears to protect myself and shut her out of my life, so I could not be hurt by her. Conflict being a huge point within my life and my suppression as well as reactions of abuse and anger towards others has been creating great instability within myself and instability within my world and relationships. I realize that I have created this within and throughout my own mind and thus my own actions, and so I must take responsibility for this and correct it. This so I can stop the abuse of others and become stable within myself to take the correct course of action in supporting others and myself, and doing what is best for all.
More to come in next blog.
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