Monday, December 17, 2012

Day 190 – Opening up an Event of Attack within The “Taking Things Personally” Personality

Here looking at the point of taking things personally and how I react and interact when this personality comes up. A situation happened tonight were I was late for work and the girl called me out on it when I got in to relieve her. She did this because I have been late the last three times and she needs to be somewhere. So here I was completely at fault and knew I was, and an interesting thing I saw myself go into was a complete flip on the situation right when I was called out on, completely blaming her and acting this out on her for at least five minutes, not even saying good bye to her or looking in her face when she left because I had the thought ‘how dare she call me out, I am not even late, what time is it? I was late last week cause I couldn’t find my keys? (this being a responsible excuse for me to justify why she is wrong)’

Twisting the responsibility and blame onto her and going into attack mode as being rude and not treating her within equality as how I would want to be treated was my reaction towards her, I realized what I was doing while in the possession, but I gave into the energy of anger and allowed it to possess me while she was here.

I found that I was caught off guard when she told called me out, and so I was not prepared to defend myself, which caused angst within me and I went into an immediate defense mode and started the thoughts of excuses:

‘I am not late, what is the time?’ Assuming she is lying and has the wrong time, I even walked in the bedroom, saw the clock was past the time I was suppose to be there, and assumed the clock was wrong, and so had to check my phone so I could prove that I was right, which I was not. So spitefulness in wanting to be right and prove her wrong and so have the upper hand so I could get what I wanted and have the point of defense against her to show that I am right and she is wrong. So a big point here in the self righteous character and how this being called out activated the self righteous character. ***where does this come from? Why would it get activated and be a defense?

What did I suppress in this moment? I suppressed my own self irresponsibility in not being on time, suppressed being wrong, suppressed seeing myself as the creator of the problem, suppressed the embarrassment that came up within being called out and went immediately into the defense as ego to gain my ground again and prove her wrong.

Memories that came up when she was speaking to me was how I was late the last few weeks, and thus anger activated towards her because I didn’t have any room or valid excuse to win, she had me red handed as they say, and I had no defense that was in words, so I went into physical attack within mannerisms and behavior of rudeness to overpower her, like I am going to always be stronger then you and I am not one to mess with within my body language towards, as I felt threatened.

After the fact though, the emotions of uneasiness and shame came in because it was my fault and she didn’t deserve me to be rude to her, I was at fault and I knew that I just caused deliberate abuse towards her to try and protect my ego and my own self importance, and in that caused unnecessary abuse and conflict in our relationship.

Some many points to consider here, and will continue writing this point out tomorrow.

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