Saturday, January 12, 2013

Day 203 - Realizing the Change that is Necessary for Movement

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I have realized this point of seeing myself better then others is not something I in fact live and believe about myself, but really is a defense mechanism within me based on holding onto and living within fear. I see this point of being self righteous is a point of belief that I have to inflate myself so to speak or otherwise I will not survive within society, with people, with family, and with work colleagues. It’s like a complete mind field we are playing amongst each other, within these points such as who has the best of this, who is the best in that, and thus we all within ourselves gauge ourselves within these comparisons we consciously, subconsciously, and unconsciously make towards others, and then create this polarity within ourselves of what I am ‘good’ at and what I am ‘weak’ at.

It’s fascinating because maybe 20 percent of these points we see are good/bad within ourselves is actually physically lived within our worlds, the other 80 percent (these numbers are my assumption within educated observation) is completely done within our heads, constantly and continuously I am on a subconscious and unconscious level creating this character I have to be to become successful in life based on the thoughts and memories I hold of what I created within the comparisons within the last week or month and from there start accumulating from and building. I find I just go from person to person and find out what I like about them, what they are good at, and what I can find that will help me get more to that space within myself because within myself I don’t believe I am that and need others assistance to show me how to get it. Like becoming a copy machine were I soak up others ‘auras’ so to speak of what I find I like and then go into my imagination and start placing ways and methods in my mind of how I am going to do that and get good at that point, so I can become more rounded and feel better about myself.

But the whole point is not working out because I do not follow through in most of the points that I start imagining about. For instance, I see a lot of really cool art coming through facebook, and within my mind I am like I am going to start doing that, I have to start doing that because I want to become a good artist. But when it comes down to actually sitting and doing the art, I never do it because I have little patience’s and don’t want to sit and actually work on a piece of art. Even though I do enjoy it and have created in the past some cool pieces.

So I find I am really using this point of self righteousness to not actually get up and have to move and stop my participation within these thought patterns and comparisons within my world as I get satisfaction within the mind energy from these points of imaginations and thoughts, but never actually follow through. TO some degree it is based on this belief that I am in most cases inferior to others and thus will not be able to do things, and the other point is that I am lazy and just don’t want to put in the time and effort to getting a point done methodically and to absolute completion within doing it the best I can do. So within my living up to this point I have been happy, content, person, not having to push myself, but live within my head and imagine what I ‘could be. In this state of doing jack shit though, I am not getting myself in a position where I am self directed and actually working towards real directive change.

I see I am being lazy within myself, not pushing myself as I could and thus not making my process within the potential I see that is here within me possible. I am holding onto and creating all these points within my mind of comparison and status, but never really just being with beings as just here, stopping the comparisons, stopping the judgments, stopping the thoughts because I am afraid, afraid of having bad feelings within myself and this path of not directing myself is easy, living the easy way as a mind system. But obviously I am aware of the consequences of this, and I see the devastation within myself, my world, and the world as a whole within this point of living from the mind and taking the easy way out. There is never an easy way as eventually everything will catch up, there is a direct way in what is best for all or the easy way in the mind as a system feeding off of feelings, both have consequence, but the results are vastly different, one leading to peace and equality and the other leading to hell and destruction.

It’s time to stop taking the easy way as living from feelings, and start living from the physical, and taking responsibility for my living within myself as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions and within my actions as changing them to align with what is best for life, I stand for life and so I will walk the process until I am this in fact as the flesh in the physical as breath.

Artwork By Fellow Destonian:
Matti Freeman

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