My Journey to Life: evil behavior

Showing posts with label evil behavior. Show all posts

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Day 199 – “Taking things Personal” Personality – Memory Dimension – Self Correction

For Further Perspective, you can check out relevant blogs:
Day 190 – Opening up an Event of Attack within The “Taking Things Personally” Personality
Day 191 – 'Taking things Personal' Personality – Thought Dimension - “She is Wrong”
Day 192 – ‘Taking Things Personal’ Personality– Fear Dimension – No Conflict!
Day 193 – “Taking Things Personal’ Personality – Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness in facing conflict
Day 194 - "Taking Things Personally" - Backchat Dimensions - It's Her Fault!
Day 195 –"Taking Things Personally" - Backchat Dimensions - Self Responsbility
Day 196- “Taking it Personal” Personality – Reaction Dimension – “Rudeness Demon”
Day 197 - Reaction Dimension – In the ‘Taking things personally” Personality

These quoted pieces are from this blog for reference if needed:
Day 198- ‘Taking things Personal’ Personality - Memory dimension

"I found within this emotion of embarrassment, I went into a point of resistance towards the girl at work because I immediately blamed her for this feeling I was having based on the memories that was going on within me that I was unconsciously accessing within the moment of blame."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of resistance towards the worker based on blaming her for the feeling of embarrassment that was coming up within me when she confronted me about being late. I realize and understand that when I allow blame, I am not taking responsibility for the point that I am being faced with, thus I see and understand that memories are coming up that have activated this point of justification for the blame, and so within myself I believe I am justified because I am not seeing my own responsibility within this but only pointing fingers at her.

I commit myself to stop and breath when and as I go into a point of emotion as embarrassment and breath through all the reactions of energy that will persist with this, I push myself to continue to walk the process of stopping my memories and thus my thoughts from directing me into a point of separation with the person/situation I am reacting to and walk the solution that will be best for life.

I commit myself to stop all blame in the moment to thus access my self power to change through equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus fear being exposed as ‘weak’ in front of others, and thus when my ‘character’ was questioned within this point by this worker of being seen as ‘not on top of myself/at my best’, I accessed embarrassment based on this memory I was holding onto of being in the wrong and being caught 'red handed' so to speak with no defense, which made me feel embarrassed.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of allowing a memory to direct me into feeling something about myself within an emotion or feeling, I stop and breath, and let go of the energy attached to this memory as embarrassment and walk the correction through finding a solution not being directed by this feeling and so stopping the mind as energy and living from the physical as my living.

Also, I commit to walk the equality of all within the conflict situation even if it is not being lived within the physical, push myself to find compromise and the best solution that will work for all no matter the resistances I face within me and within my world.

I commit myself to stop my actions as outflows that lead to abuse knowingly as I have now walked a process to see that such as, these memories that have energy attached to them as embarrassment is not supporting me.

I commit to use my breath to walk through the energy waves and stop the reactions, and thus walk the correction in writing and in my living by pushing myself always in my application never giving up.

"I really disliked being embarrassed based on the way it made me feel back in those days of being alone and being seen by others as less then who I wanted to be seen as, so based on defining myself by how others saw me, I was now defining myself based on others reactions towards me."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an opionion about being an emotion such as embarrassment, where I placed a value judgment on embarrassment as if this is something that I don’t or can’t be as this will make me be seen as weak by others.

And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on something in this world based on fear of how others are going to see me. I realize and see that placing value on this judgment I have made of others opinions of me is only limiting myself and so I will always be subject to these judgments as this is how I am defining myself by, always in separation to what is here as good/bad. I realize and see that within this point of separation, I will disempower myself and not have the resolve to walk the change as I am not absolute, but separated with myself and my world which is the mirror of me within, and so separating myself from my own self freedom in oneness and equality in a world that is lived best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of separation with others, I stop and breath, and come to solutions immediately within the realization that I am here and this here is all me, I push what is best for all in my living, so this will have to change within my outer world to align with my inner world. The outer is always a reflection of the inner in all dimensions and thus to see this change as what I realize can be within what is best for all, I simply must do it.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
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Creation's Journey to Life
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Artwork By Fellow Destonian:
Rozelle de Lange

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Friday, January 4, 2013

Day 198- ‘Taking things Personal’ Personality - Memory dimension

Looking at this event that I have been walking in previous blogs of being confronted, where I ended up causing unnecessary consequence of making her the problem, and so not facing the fact that I was the cause of the whole point in the first place. So within this through writing out the point in my last blog, I found amemory I was accessing when this emotion would come up of embarrassment that helped fuel my behavior into consequences which was not benefiting anyone.

I found within this emotion of embarrassment, I went into a point of resistance towards the girl at work because I immediately blamed her for this feeling I was having based on the memories that was going on within me that I was unconsciously accessing within the moment of blame.

These memories were based in childhood, and it was being confronted either by a yell or by a ‘negative’ approach towards me from others that would create this emotion of embarrassment within myself, which caused me to feel inadequate and weak.

I really disliked being embarrassed based on the way it made me feel back in those days of being alone and being seen by others as less then who I wanted to be seen as, so based on defining myself by how others saw me, I was now defining myself based on others reactions towards me. The embarrassment feeling within these memories of being called out are loaded with pain and sadness, and these are feelings I suppressed within me based on seeing them as making me weak. I did not want to be seen as weak, and so I suppressed that which I perceived made me weak, which was this feeling of embarrassment. This though never actually changedanything or dealt with the source of why I was seeing myself in this way and being effected so by embarrassment, it was just getting pushed down and thus never dealt with. So it would come back again as it did in this event as it’s still here, I am just pretty much ignoring the effect it has on me and the consequence it has in my life til now.

So when I was confronted within this point of being late and thus reacted in embarrassment because of being in the ‘wrong’ so to speak, I become abusive towards this girl for triggering this feeling and thus triggering the memory of being called out in front of classmates or yelled at by an adult in front of others.

This memory then lead to the energy of embarrassment and anger, and thus I continued to justify my actions within myself of abusive behavior towards her of being rude and quick based on accepting these energymovements as who I am. So accepting and allowing these memories as well as the feelings and emotions to influence and thus direct my behavior causing me to feel and be, in a way, out of control, as the energy is so overbearing and possessive that when I was in it, I found it was very hard to stop it. I remember observing the energy and found it very intoxicating and addicting, like I didn’t want to get out of it, I was now within mymind ‘right’ and justified and so I lived this into the physical and caused more conflict rather then solving the issue right then and there because I was in the right, I was going to win, and it only mattered of my own self interest, which is not ok as this hurt the other and caused conflict that was not necessary at all.

I will walk the self forgiveness and self commitments in my next blog, thanks for reading.

Artwork By Fellow Destonian:
Matti Freeman

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For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Day 197 - Reaction Dimension – In the ‘Taking things personally” Personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to when being confronted within the point of being late, go into fear and thus inferiority, and within this go into competition, which activated the desire to become superior. I then went into the reaction of anger based on seeing her within a point of competition and thus seeing that I had to defeat her. I realize and understand that when I accept this point of competition and thus go into a point of desiring to win or be superior, I will activate the emotion of anger based on the belief that I have to go into battle.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of reaction of anger, I need to stop and breath, and thus do not accept myself to follow any more thoughts within polarities playouts, but remain stable and breath. Understanding that I have accessed a point of competition, and thus breathing through this desire to go in and create more conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in embarrassment based on this point of being confronted and being seen as doing something bad, and thus react in anger based on blaming the other for this embarrassment that was created when confronted. I realize and see that blame is not taking responsibility for my actions as becoming embarrassed, and thus no solution will be met, but only more conflict and instability within myself.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of embarrassment based on reacting to an external stimuli, I stop and breath, and say nothing until I am stable. Allow the point to settle down within, and do not accept myself to follow any points of reactions as these are what cause the conflict and instability within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being embarrassed to being weak based on holding onto memories of being called out in school, and thus seeing myself as weak because I was called out on this by others. Accepting the embarrassment as a point of self enslavement seeing myself as weak and less then when I experienced this emotion come up as it was usually due to being picked on as a kid.

And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto that memory of being out casted and picked on within that feeling of being embarrassed and thus immediately access anger towards whoever it is that activated that feeling. I realize and see though that it is just a memory stored within my physical of a point that happened in the past that does not define who I am, and so I am not defined nor have to direct myself based on this feeling of embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed blame towards another through the reaction of become angry towards them and thus cause abuse towards them based on me not wanting to face myself and accept the responsibility to stop participating in these emotions and beliefs as embarrassment makes me weak, and thus stop my self diminishment and self sabotage through accepting it and thus stopping particpation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak and thus link this to being embarrassed and so define myself as this now as if this is who I am, which I realize is not me and does not define who I am.

I commit myself to when and as I am faced with this feeling of embarrassment, let go of all the thoughts through breathing and thus become stable within myself before I do anything. I commit to stop all blame and thus all anger when this feeling come up by preventing it from going there through the breath and my self will to have it stop controlling me by stopping my participation in the thoughts and reactions of emotion through accept it as a point I have to face and thus have the ability then to stop it.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Day 196- “Taking it Personal” Personality – Reaction Dimension – “Rudeness Demon”

Day 195 –"Taking Things Personally" - Backchat Dimensions - Self Responsbility

Here looking at the point of the reaction dimension within this point of the conflict situation with my co-worker in which I have been writing about all the different dimensions that opened up within this event in the latest series of blogs. I have found that when I accepted and allowed, the thought dimension and thus thebackchat dimension, and the fear dimensions, I automatically energized the physical reaction stage of my actions within this event that caused rudeness and compromised my relationship with her due to my behavior towards her. The thought dimension was the initial justifications of my reactions of rudeness towards her based on believing the thoughts that I had created in my head, but within this they were not based on reality and thus were not based on fact. So my justifications were invalid and thus only followed through on based on my self interest to be right.

This assumption of what is so and thus me following these assumptions for my own self interest of being right is causing me to be abusive and unstable within myself, and where does that lead me, it compromises my self stability based on the fact that I will create and thus accumulate more conflict based on just trying to win. And when in competition the other will have to lose, which cause instant friction and conflict, and thus cause instability within my world and thus myself

My reaction of rudeness was the outflow result of these different dimensions of fear, backchat to fuel this rudeness and haste within being with her, were I lashed on in anger and deliberately made her feel bad. I find I would have approached the situation different if I had not followed these thoughts, and thus just been here in breath. So will walk the self forgiveness and self commitments to correct this point, and thus stop myself from going into these reactions of abuse through prevention within my own self will.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Day 195 –"Taking Things Personally" - Backchat Dimensions - Self Responsbility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow within secret a thought about the girl who was confronting me about being late that ‘she is such a bitch’ using this judgment of her as negative to justify and validate my reactions of anger towards her through becoming aggressive within my thinking and my movements, and seeing her within competition, that I had to now prove her wrong, she is attacking me and causing me to feel bad about myself, so she must be stopped. I realize that this initial back chat thought of ‘she is a bitch’ helped fuel and activate the chain reaction of anger and aggression towards her in my behavior based on accepting myself to become the victim, and thus separating myself from the solution as her, understanding were she is coming from, understanding the reality of what is going on within the facts that are true, and thus coming to a solution within and as myself in taking responsibility for myself and my actions to do what is best for all and treat the other as myself because she is me.

I commit myself to when and as these initial backchat thoughts come of a judgment towards another as a point of competition in seeing it as a personal attack, I stop myself form going into those thoughts in secret by seeing them, not following them through using my breath and breathing through the energy of anger that was activated through the thought. I commit to walk my equality with others by pushing myself and commit to understanding the facts before I speak and make a decision, I stop rushing to judgment within assumption, by stopping these thoughts. I commit myself to stop the thoughts when they come by being physical and breathing through it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought that ‘I am only a few minutes late, it’s not my fault’, implying and thus living this point out of that is the fault of the other who is confronting me, by rushing to judgment and trying to prove her wrong within being late, actually going into a lie to make myself be right even if that means to be dishonest, if it would save my own self from having to face my fear of being in conflict, I would then lie then to get out of it.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to lie about not knowing what time it was within myself even when I realize and knew that I was late, I still went and walked the steps to try and prove that she was wrong by checking the clock, and thus had to be proven within reality, the physical, to show me the truth. I realize and see that it doesn’t have to get to the point of the physical having to show me my consequence, but I can be the directive principle of myself and in the moment of being confronted, stop the fear, and thus take responsibility for my actions, and create a solution that will work best for both.

I commit myself to when and as I find myself desiring to lie for the sake of my own self interest, I stop and breath and do not accept myself to go into the point of self compromise and thus live it out in the physical where the physical had to show me what is true. I commit myself to walk the physical as an equal participant in the physical in what is best for all as I realize that is best for me, and so walk and face my consequences in my own self direction, and come to solutions within the conflict situations that occur to thus resolve them and stop the continuation of my abuse within allowing the backchats to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the backchat thoughts allow and accept myself to go into anger and thus go into an attack mode towards the co worker in blaming her for the way I was feeling, and really hiding the fact that I was blaming her for making me face myself and my fear of being confronted and in conflict. I realize and understand that this fear is unnecessary as I realize that it is not a personal attack against me and really it’s just a point or an opportunity for a correction to be made. So I realize that it is to be grateful for this other to give myself the opportunity to face myself and realize that I am in dishonesty, and thus I require correction.

I commit myself to not allow the back chat thoughts to have power over me, and thus stop the point of activation of anger by breathing through all desires to go into them until they have stopped directing me. I commit myself to let go of the fear of conflict and facing people, and thus let go of the fear of being humiliated in a conflict. I stop making it about me and my own insecurities and push myself to accept myself here within how I am and walk a correction process of self understanding and self realization in self honesty, no judgment. I commit to stop judgment of others and myself and walk self acceptance by appreciating others, being grateful for who they are and what they show me of myself, and commit to treat others as my equal focusing on putting myself in the others shoe as it is me. I commit to always bring the point back to myself and stop allowing abuse, and become humble within myself in the appreciation that I am here.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Day 194 - "Taking Things Personally" - Backchat Dimensions - It's Her Fault!

Day 193 – “Taking Things Personal’ Personality – Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness in facing conflict

Looking at the next dimension of this 'talking things personal' personality and it is the Backchat dimensions, this within the previous post point of an event that opened up last week during work. I was confronted by a co worker about being late and thus making her late, and immediately I took it personally due to believing that I was being attacked, looking at it from within self interest rather then equality and oneness. Within taking this point personally, this is also indicating that I was in fear, which I previouslyspoke of, where I go into an attack mode, which I found it first starts in my thoughts. The back chat thoughts is the secret thoughts in the mind that come and are quite deceptive and nasty in nature usually being directed at another, and thus these thoughts are used to generate energy for the mind, which we eventually will act out in our worlds as abuse.

So within this initial point of being confronted about being late, my backchat was 'she is such a bitch, I am only a few minutes late, it's not my fault' and within this backchat, it is more a blame and self justification for my own self interest of not wanting to get yelled at by her and giving myself the most advantageous position as I will within these thoughts, will live out this blame and judgment of this lady through my physical behavior and actions eventually as being rude and unpleasant and thus not actually have to face myself and see that I am the one who is actually in the 'wrong'.

So it's for me to look at this point of accepting this backchat, which was based on my own self interest to make myself not have to face who I really am because I have this belief I am holding onto that 'I am better then others, thus I am right always'. These backchat thoughts were used by myself to generate the picture and energy to justify my position of self interest and make it 'seem' legitimate but in fact it was self dishonest. These thoughts being created to support my self interest and my dishonesty such as, 'she is not nice', 'she is so not easy going' 'she doesn't know how to tell time' 'it's her fault for not reading the clock right'. These being additional back chats that I continued to participate in while the initial backchat above was accepted within me and followed through my own participation. Allowing this continual thinking, it started to activate my emotional body which is how the mind was designed, and I started getting angry and thus I became the monster I had want to create as the other in my world, mirroring myself in the thoughts I am thinking about towards other, becoming unpleasant, very strict and stubburn in my thoughts of what was so, nasty in my assumptions, and mean in my physical behavior.

We really are what we think and so quickly we can become these demonic monsters by allowing these thoughts to accumulate by following them and then charging them up through becoming emotional about what we are thinking about and thus act this emotional state of illusion out in our environments Self honesty is key because this has become now, an automated systematic response produced by the mind through our participation as accepting, allowing, and continual participation in these back chat secret thoughts in our head. So here walking the disengagement of this systematic responses within and through my mind through self forgiveness, self investigation, self correction through and as my self honesty and thus stop all participation within each component of the mind, the thoughts, the reactions and the physical behaviors to really become equal as the physical and so be able to conduct always within the consideration of all that is here equal and one to myself.

Artwork By Fellow Destonian:
Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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Monday, December 24, 2012

Day 193 – “Taking Things Personal’ Personality – Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness in facing conflict

For Further Perspective, you can check out relevant blogs:

Day 190 – Opening up an Event of Attack within The “Taking Things Personally” Personality
Day 191 – 'Taking things Personal' Personality – Thought Dimension - “She is Wrong”
Day 192 – ‘Taking Things Personal’ Personality– Fear Dimension – No Conflict!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within myself due to fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and thus believing if I say or do the wrong thing, I will be vulnerable and thus be open for abuse. I realize and see within this suppression and thus fear of being vulnerable within going into a conflict situation, I am already making it a personal attack on myself and perceiving myself as inferior to the one I am in this conflict situation with, and thus will live this out within suppressing myself and go into conflict within myself and blame the other. So making it about winning and losing and not being direct and resolving what it is the conflict been triggered by.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of fear within a conflict situation, I stop and breath, and let go of this fear, let go of the desire to suppress myself, focus on what is being said to me and thus I commit myself to stop all points of personal feelings and emotions, and become direct within what has to be done to resolve the problem. Thus I commit myself to when and as a conflict arises to take responsibility for my actions, breath through all points of emotion and feeling, and come to a solution that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am confronted by another in a conflict situation and fear being exposed within the belief that I will not be able to face the other within a good come back, this is moving my into self compromise and competition, and thus I will become anxious within myself due to believing I have to impress this being as I am now seeing it within a polarity of good/bad. I realize and see that when I go into this fear of being exposed as not intelligent, I will then go into a suppression and into blame due to the starting point of competition and I will try within myself to create myself back into the power position, and so go and diminish the other in my mind dimensions. This I realize is suppressing myself and my directive power in the physical to stop my self compromise and thus stop this abuse of others within separation within my mind dimensions and thus live it into the physical as rudeness.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of fear in being exposed as not intelligent I stop the fear within not giving any attention to it when it come up, focus on myself and the other as equals in the physical and stop the point of taking it as a personal attack by going into competition. I commit to walk the practical solutions of points that is best for all, and walk out of the point of judgment of myself by stopping thesethoughts that come up of unworthiness immediately through breath awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am confronted by another, immediately take it personal and believe that I am in the wrong as I am always going to be inferior to these beings, and thus compromise myself direction by allowing myself to suppress my expression due to this belief that I must be wrong because I am not as worthy as these beings who are confronting me. I realize here though that it’s not about the point of worthy or unworthy as it’s not about me, but what it is that needs correction within the way I am living to be best for all.

I commit myself to stop taking things personally and peoples approaches towards me in a belief that I am and must be unworthy, so I commit to focus on the solutions, what I can do to create a more equal physical environment within where I am, who I am with, so we can have a balance and peace within society by working together and correcting what is not working. I commit to stop my emotions and feelings and live in the physical and do what is best for all in common sense physical practical living.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Monday, December 17, 2012

Day 190 – Opening up an Event of Attack within The “Taking Things Personally” Personality

Here looking at the point of taking things personally and how I react and interact when this personality comes up. A situation happened tonight were I was late for work and the girl called me out on it when I got in to relieve her. She did this because I have been late the last three times and she needs to be somewhere. So here I was completely at fault and knew I was, and an interesting thing I saw myself go into was a complete flip on the situation right when I was called out on, completely blaming her and acting this out on her for at least five minutes, not even saying good bye to her or looking in her face when she left because I had the thought ‘how dare she call me out, I am not even late, what time is it? I was late last week cause I couldn’t find my keys? (this being a responsible excuse for me to justify why she is wrong)’

Twisting the responsibility and blame onto her and going into attack mode as being rude and not treating her within equality as how I would want to be treated was my reaction towards her, I realized what I was doing while in the possession, but I gave into the energy of anger and allowed it to possess me while she was here.

I found that I was caught off guard when she told called me out, and so I was not prepared to defend myself, which caused angst within me and I went into an immediate defense mode and started the thoughts of excuses:

‘I am not late, what is the time?’ Assuming she is lying and has the wrong time, I even walked in the bedroom, saw the clock was past the time I was suppose to be there, and assumed the clock was wrong, and so had to check my phone so I could prove that I was right, which I was not. So spitefulness in wanting to be right and prove her wrong and so have the upper hand so I could get what I wanted and have the point of defense against her to show that I am right and she is wrong. So a big point here in the self righteous character and how this being called out activated the self righteous character. ***where does this come from? Why would it get activated and be a defense?

What did I suppress in this moment? I suppressed my own self irresponsibility in not being on time, suppressed being wrong, suppressed seeing myself as the creator of the problem, suppressed the embarrassment that came up within being called out and went immediately into the defense as ego to gain my ground again and prove her wrong.

Memories that came up when she was speaking to me was how I was late the last few weeks, and thus anger activated towards her because I didn’t have any room or valid excuse to win, she had me red handed as they say, and I had no defense that was in words, so I went into physical attack within mannerisms and behavior of rudeness to overpower her, like I am going to always be stronger then you and I am not one to mess with within my body language towards, as I felt threatened.

After the fact though, the emotions of uneasiness and shame came in because it was my fault and she didn’t deserve me to be rude to her, I was at fault and I knew that I just caused deliberate abuse towards her to try and protect my ego and my own self importance, and in that caused unnecessary abuse and conflict in our relationship.

Some many points to consider here, and will continue writing this point out tomorrow.