A Lady's Journey to Life: Day 282 – Self Judgment – Fueling the Imprisonment of Self as the Mind

So the point I am looking at here within this point of self-judgment is when I see someone rub there eyes around me or go and touch their eyes. You may be like what the heck, why does that bother me when someone touches there eyes, and for me there is like a mile long of emotions, memories, and thought patterns that are being activated at times during this point of people rubbing there eyes around me. I mean this seems very unusual and like not important, but this point has been very tough to transcend because of me accepting and allowing my mind to define me within the perception, interpretation, and definitions of who I believed myself to be as what my mind was saying to me specifically within this case when people would rub their eyes around me.

Now my mind is me because of the way I have participated in it, designed it within how I interpreted and kept that which I believed to be me as a definition I would hold of myself and use over and over again in my living, and thus created my external world according to what I was telling myself as my mind in thoughts, pictures, imaginations, and backchats. This is what I have been creating within myself over the years taking bits and pieces of my external environment, moments in time, specific looks, celebrity looks, past memories of abuse, (ect) and carrying this with me like a heavy bag on my back bringing it here to make me feel bad about myself and lock me into the same depression cycle that comes up every time I have this point of someone rubbing there eyes. It’s like this physical point of suppression and depression I exist as within this playout, and it’s based in these memories of being called a retard in school and believing that this point of my eye is a point that makes me this way and why people were calling me this. I believed I was what others were saying to me because of this belief about myself, and thus I put myself as vulnerable to this abuse, attack, and humiliation because I believe I deserved this and this is who I am inferior to others, I accepted and allowed this of myself as within myself I always inherently believed I was less then others. (This is how I saw myself and judged this word 'retard' during this time I am writing about now, I will in blogs to come redefine and look at the attachments I hold to this word, and walk a point of correction once and for all to stop my judgments and separations towards this word and thus those in this world that have to live in this way.)

So this imprisonment feeling I am describing here really started back in school when kids would call me this, and I realized that my eye on the left side is misshaped or not completely symmetrical with my other eye, which created the reason for me being called this and thus this was something that was true then I reasoned. And when these certain people called me retard, I immediately connected this to the shape of my eye and how it is messed up, and so I believed that they were making fun of me based on this point with my eye. So I grew this great resistance to this specific eye and would be very much focused on it within interactions with others in public, and in my mind the thoughts would race, ‘do they think I am ugly?’, ‘do they think I look retarded’, ‘do they see me as inferior to them?’ ‘they are so much more confident and better looking, I am inferior’, so thoughts like this, making myself completely disempowered within my mind because I am only focusing on what my mind is telling me about this point rather then the physical interaction, what is being said, who we are as life, and so I eventually grew to a point where I could barely talk to others in public because I started to see this rubbing of the eyes everywhere I went.

This rubbing of the eyes was a reaction to seeing my face at times because of the way my eye is shaped for others, it is what it is really, but I have accepted this now and realize the insignificance to this or rather the reality of it, but to get to this point of where I am now with accepting it as a reality of myself and that it does in no way define me is miles away from where I was in the past. It was really a decision and a decision I continually have to walk for myself in each breath as at that time I never believed I could move beyond this point.

Because it was a point of a creation of a prison within myself, what I have created as this perception of myself and it was being held in place and thus I was being imprisoned within it through the self judgment I constantly was participating in within myself every day I was living. I was seeing myself through my mind and through the external world of how my mind perceived things. This was the point of enslavement because I was giving my power away to the mind, I was allowing the mind as myself to direct me and tell me who I am, and within this the mind consciousness system used this against myself because the mind is aware and is trying to survive just like me, it’s survives through me as my energy production, so it’s interest is energy not life as me in support. So it’s been quite a road with this point of inferiority and it was continued and fueled over many years through my acceptance and participation of self-judgment. I will walk the more specific points of how I created this imprisonment within my mind and the points where I haven't faced yet due to fear in blogs to come with self forgiveness and self commitments.

Thanks for reading.