Sunday, April 28, 2013

Day 286 – Self Judgment – The ‘Flawed’ Eye – Backchat Dimension

Please reference these blogs for further perspective:
Day 283 – Self Judgment – Judging My Physical – The ‘Flawed’ Eye
Day 284 – Self Judgment – Judging My Physical – The ‘Flawed’ Eye – Self Commitments to Live – Part 1
Day 285 – Self Judgment – The ‘Flawed’ Eye – Self Corrections to Live Part 2

Looking here at the specific backchat that is involved within this self judgment I hold of my ‘flawed’ eye on the left side, and it is based on the memory of being called a ‘retard’ in school by others and eventually connecting this with the eye that is not perfectly symmetrical on my face. I became very fearful of others, that they would create this judgment of me as how I have judged myself and so I had a very difficult time being with others, because my mind was so loud about how others were thinking of me and how must they think I really have something wrong with me. The backchat was based in this line of thinking, ‘I am flawed’, ‘I have something wrong with me’, ‘everyone see me as dumb, retarded, useless’ ‘I am never going to amount to others, I am too flawed’ ‘look at everyone else they are perfect, look at me I am flawed with this face’ and eventually believing that I indeed had something wrong with me, like that I was never told that I had mental issues, and I was only finding out now because it’s so obvious. So the backchat was always in a way bullying me because I was bullying myself, making me less then others, believing this is who I am, and was using the fear of humiliation by others to continue to exist in such a abusive way towards myself, where eventually my whole view of myself was contorted and I could not really see who I was in the mirror, I only saw all the flaws, all the judgments, all the things wrong with my face, especially this ‘flawed’ eye staring back at me. 

There was much anger and blame towards those kids that called me this, to my parents who created me, to god for creating me to exist, to this world for being so cruel, to my sisters for being perfect and me being the flawed one, I often took my anger out in violence and conflict with others, never would I speak of such thoughts going on in my mind or what was happening within me because I was too proud and didn’t want to seem weak, but this causing me to deal with this alone. I didn’t deal with it, but just suppressed it within me and became very angry at others because I blamed everything and everyone else for me being this way except facing the truth of me doing this to myself. Fuck but man, I was living a nice life, I had everything that I could ever ask for, I never had to worry, I was perfectly healthy and mentally healthy, I excelled at sports, I could problem solve, I did well in school when I applied myself, I could see outside of the box, I was offered dates by males, but I didn't ever see this, I only believed this about myself, that I was flawed, I am not normal, I have something wrong with me, I am less then others, and thus this is how I lived alone within myself, suppressed, and in fear.

But really who was the one who created all these thoughts and backchats in my mind, who accepted and allowed myself to continue the chatter and judgments of myself over years within seeing me as the flawed person, the undeserving and inferior of the group, I did. So the blame and anger towards others was more a defense and protection mechanism for me to avoid these uncomfortable situations with others based on this point of always existing in my mind and not ever considering the physical reality, not being able to communicate because I was never here listening, but in my mind judging myself as my backchat. So it’s a question of not why is this being done to me like I have asked myself for many years, but why am I doing this to myself. Why am I torturing myself, why do I continue to exist within these thoughts that I am less then, not worthy, and it because I didn't want to face my fears, I didn't want to take responsibility for all of it, I didn't want to face myself as the bully, as the judger, and as the mind with all these nasty thoughts about not only myself but everyone else around me. I have created myself as the bullied as well as the bullier, it's all me, and this here lies the solution, understanding this and forgiving all of it to be able to change myself into a being that considers myself as well as all others as equals and does what is best.

Will continue, thanks for reading.

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  1. Asi es,la mente o EGO siempre nos dicta pensar y creer que somos diferentes pero negativamente, sin darnos cuenta que somos nosotros mismos los que nos estamos juzgando y viendonos peores de lo que somos, ya que los damas nos van a ver tal como creemos y nos vemos, porque somos nosotros los que nos creamos asi. gracias.

  2. Hola, sí, la mente es un sistema diseñado dentro de la misma manera que una máquina orgánica y así dirige nuestros comportamientos a través de la forma de energía, ya sea positivo o negativo, es en busca de energía como la existe y se mantiene vivo. Como la vida dentro de la mente en nuestro cuerpo físico, no hemos tomado nunca la dirección para dirigir nuestra mente y controlar así que es algo que es mejor para la vida y mejor para nosotros mismos, porque nunca hemos tomado la dirección, la mente lo hace por nosotros y tan sólo mira lo que le dará más energía no será mejor para mí porque he dado poder a la mente al no hacer dirigiéndolo a mí mismo. Mi experiencia como muy negativo era simplemente la dirección que he seguido de la mente, creyendo que era quién era yo, pero no quien soy, es como ver puedo evitarlo y vivir diferentemente donde mantenerme y ver el sentido común que yo soy capaz de mucho. Es un proceso para caminar esta comprensión y esto es lo que estoy haciendo en estos blogs, revisa los enlaces siguiendo el blog para más apoyo en lo que esto se trata. También hay versiones en español del material, así que busque en las páginas. Gracias por leerme.