Monday, July 23, 2012

Day 89 - 'I Can't do This' Character

Yesterday, I was on a boat and my dad asked me if I want to try and bring the boat into the dock to tie up, within myself I had a fear, and did not want to do it, but said ok, I’ll try. It’s a pretty small space, with boats docked in slips on one side and the docks on the other side, so one has to actually turn the boat around to tie up properly. It ended up being were I did not put it in gear quick enough, and to compensate, revved the engine forward, which caused the boat to move fast, and I almost took out the dock in front of me. I had to then slow it down, and park it which at that point was difficult because I couldn’t manage to get it straight. Within myself at this point I saw the ‘I Can’t do this’ character, where I just want to give up and stop trying, but within the moment I could not do this, so I said to myself ‘breath’ and I did and I managed to get it in safely and we tied up. So it went very quickly from an easy cruise to a serious situation were I wanted to just give up and stop, but practical physical reality was not allowing me to and would cause serious damage if I did, so I breath, got myself in my physical body out of this ‘I can’t do it’ character in my mind, and parked the boat.

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into the ‘I can’t do it’ character were I immediately go into the points of self sabotage and fear where I accept my limitation of believing that I can’t do what I am doing anymore due to fear built up and the physical practicality of it being difficult. I realize and understand that when a situation such as this happen that becoming physical within what I am doing and just walking the common sense that I found when breathing such as looking back at the motor and seeing the degrees to which it reacts when I turn it to thus guide the boat in will be more helpful and solve the issue more readily, then giving up and allowing the fear and the overwhelmingness of the situation cause me to give up.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow thoughts of ‘i can’t do this’ and ‘it’s too hard’ direct me into desiring to give up and just let the boat go, but within myself I realize that this is not physically practical as it will go and hurt someone and it is my responsibility as I agreed to do the task, to do it to the best of my ability and not give up. I realize that I must stay within the physical in what I am physically doing and using the physical as a guide as this is what is real and happening as I found when looking at the motor, and do my best to bring it in safely which I did.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to doubt myself and my ability because I didn’t immediately get it in and do it flawlessly thus thinking within myself that I am a failure and I need to stop immediately because I didn’t do it right the first time. I realize and see that this is a quick fix mentality where I have become addicted to the instant gratification and instant results such as the fast food mentality, where I will just give up and not desire to continue when I see that I can’t do it quickly and it didn’t work out immediately. I realize within this fast food mentality for the instant gratification that within this event that it is not real and thus is an illusion created by consumerism that I have become addicted to because it is easy and instant. I realize that within this event that it is not about the time or the quickness something is done, but realizing that the physical needs to be walked step by step and aligned to the physical considerations that are here, so thus I have to be here in the physical as my physical human body in breath to be able to realize these points and thus not be in my mind desiring it to be done instantly and flawlessly, but walk the physical steps and consider all that is here and in my environment so thus I actually complete the task in real time.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to please my dad when he asked me to drive the boat in realizing within me that I wasn’t comfortable in doing it, and thus through the desire to please him and my ego that I can do it, I took it on not fully being confident that I could do it and being in fear. I realize and understand that if I am not confident in doing a task to not do it especially if harm is able to be caused by what I am doing, and walk the steps to learn how to do it first before I try and attempt something such as parking a boat.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to accept my ego and drive the boat in with the thought ‘I can do this’ ‘it will just work out for me’ when I realize and see these thoughts are but assumptions and desires, and I did not take in the physical practical reality of the situation and what harm is potentially able to be caused and thus allowed hope as a mind illusion that is not real direct me, and thus I allowed the potential harm of others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to follow thoughts of ‘i can do it’ and ‘it’ll work out for me’ when in reality these thoughts amount to nothing as it is not about what I think I can do and hope all will turn out cool, when within myself I realize what it will take to do and that I knew that I was not confident in my skill to do it, so I realize when within myself I realize I can not do something I stop the ego and the thoughts of hope and desire, and walk the self realizations in consideration of all equally and not do a task till I am more trained and better skilled in how to do it.

Self Correction:

When and as this character of ‘I can’t do it’ comes up within a moment of a crisis situation where I want to give up and give in to the fear. I stop, breath, and find the solution within the physical reality that I am working with and complete the task in physical considerations with being stable and calm in breath. I breath as my stability point and do not accept the ‘I can’t do it’ character to direct me.

When and as the thoughts of ‘i can do it’ ‘it’ll work out’ come through when asked to complete something that I am not confident in doing, I stop my ego and stop these thoughts, and direct myself in the consideration of all equally and the realizations that I know that I can not do the tasks properly in keeping all safe and cared for. Listening to myself here in breath and doing only what I realize I can do through knowing that I am trained and have living experience and confidence built up to do the task.

I commit myself to when this character comes up of the ‘I can’t do it’ character in a crisis situation I stop breath, and use the physical as a guide within my common sense calculations to solve the problem and take responsibility for what I have committed too.

I commit myself when realizing that I can’t do a task to do not accept and allow myself to do the task as I realize that I am not skilled in it and do not have the living experience to know that I can complete the task safely, and thus I commit to stop my ego and do not do the task expected of me to do by saying no I am not comfortable and simply give it to another to do, and thus learn from others until I am more confident.

I commit myself to stop the desire for instant gratification where I believe that all will be good and thus desire this to be for me not taking into consideration the physical steps and skills I will need to do this properly, thus I commit to stop my mind from directing me int hope and desire and walk here as the physical in practical consideration to life here in oneness and equality to myself.

I commit to stop my ego as well as my mind from directing me to do things that aren’t practically considered in one plus one equals two equation, but push based on the desire to be seen as more then who I am.

boating, boats, sailing, parking, sea, beach, ocean sports, vacation places, overconfidence, crash, equality, equal life, desteni, journey to life, 2012, gabrielle goodrow

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