Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 166 - Spitefulness is Nasty

Here looking at the point of being spiteful, I find this point arises when I have been in a point of negative experience, and then I will seek out a point of validation to bring me back to the positive, and so I use spite to fuel this point of validation to be nasty to another because within myself I am taking it personally to whatever created the negative polarity I am blaming this other for, and thus then desire to go back into the good feelings/the positive to feel ok again. This is not acceptable as it’s not taking self responsibility for my actions, and so I use spite to hide the fact that I am not facing myself and thus using others as deflection points from really seeing who I am.

For instance, when I was working on the painting of the house, and someone came to me and said ‘no that is not the right way to paint as it’ll cause cracking, this is how I usually do it”, not in any point of blame or devaluing me, but simply directing me on how it should be done properly. Within myself, I took this personally, such as having the thought, “this person is trying to tell me what to do, thinking I am some dumb idiot that doesn’t know how to paint a house, I mean, come on this person is a real asshole.” From this point on throughout my day, I would go into the competition point to all those people that I saw I had an irritation towards, based on taking this painting incident personally, this irritation point activated and my spitefulness desire was there to get revenge because my ‘ego’ was being attacked with another trying to tell me what to do. I was not being seen and or validated within my desires to be seen in perfection or the best in the group as I was told how to do something, and so I wanted control back and allowed irritation to direct me because I wasn’t getting my own way.

But behind this what is really fueling this spitefulness is inferiority, and needing this point of acceptance from others and desiring to be seen in this specific way because I want a certain outcome, I want control of what I am doing, so I use spite to get back at the point that I reacted to, so I can bring myself back to this positive feeling within myself again. Also, within me though there is this point of self judgment, that I am not good enough and so I have to get this acceptance from my external world for this to be validated, and when I am not given this feedback, spitefulness is what I use to get back at that which that didn’t give me the feedback I desired to make me feel good again. So interesting this is really based on my addiction to positive feeling, energy, within the mind, disregarded the physical reality and the physical beings I am abusing and causing harm to.

This thought of calling them an asshole, creates within my whole reality a starting point of revenge based on feeling like I have been wronged, and thus will then effect each interaction I had with that specific being until I corrected the point through self correction by speaking self forgiveness in releasing the point by realizing what I have done in a calm and stable platform, because when I hold it in and do not release it, it accumulates and get’s released as an emotion as spite, anger, irritation, and vengefulness. Within my world, these emotions direct me all day long because I am holding onto this spiteful desire to get back at someone, so it will go to however is in my world that caused the slightest bit of irritation.  For instance, I was rude to a girl who was simply just chatting with me, I also yelled at an animal because I lost my patience, which cause the abuse and dysfunction during the day that is not necessary, based on not being in reality, but in an alternate world in my head, if I stop my mind as this alternate reality from directing me then I stop the abuse and spitefulness I am existing within, it’s based on illusions as thoughts and emotions, in the physical everything is here and everything can be sorted in what is best for all in equality and oneness. But I allow this point of spitefulness because I myself desire to abuse others, what does that make me, the evil that exist in this world, am I EviL and how to stop this to change to really LivE. The path is here, I must walk it and change, this through self forgiveness and self corrective change.

More to follow in my next blog.

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