Day 305 – Why is it so hard to keep to Commitments?

So at the beginning of the month I have placed a set of simple commitments to keep for the month to test my standing within myself and my self discipline, and I am not satisfied of the results. I see that I have kept to the commitments in terms of the one’s that I can do, but the one’s that require extra effort, coordination, and physical movement to get done, I still allow justification and simply just not pushing through to do it. So I am looking at the point of why is it so hard to keep commitments or why am I failing to keep the commitments I make?

For me it’s been a point of pushing through the desire to do other things, to rest, to relax, to not have to go into the point of study, research, phsyical movement to get things done, and also the backchat is there of ‘I am not smart enough anyway, I will not make anything of value, people don’t read my stuff or watch my videos, it’s not worth it’. So I allow this point to accumulate within my mind where it feels like I am walking up a steep hill, but it's really a point of sabatoge as I am not really doing this for myself, but for others impressions of me, defining myself by others outlooks on me, and seeing me as ok or not based on this. So there is no self care nor respect being built within these commitments as I commit myself to them because I am leaving me out of the equation always, only looking at how I will look to others, and thus diminishing my effectiveness and potential to be the best I can be which takes a full focus and a commitment to self completely and really living this. So I am commiting myself to walk this point of self acceptance, self respect, and self dignity for myself until I am satisfied that I am here and not living for others, and then I will walk other points. If self is not here, then this will never work.

Some other points I have realized on falling on commitments is that this absolute commitment is a process to get to. I find if I go and commit cold turkey without walking a process of understanding, discovering my temptations within the commitments, where I am weak and where I am strong, and walking the process of change, I will fall because it’s nearly impossible just to stop something cold turkey, it will take effort and a process of reprogramming to walk it into a stopping. It’s the point of understanding that is key I have found, why I desire to sit and resist doing my work, why I see myself as inferior, and so I can start to implement this point of understanding in my world. I have to walk the babysteps of such a point of changing my nature for instance into instability to stability through working with little points, small commitments that is done in self honesty, and then walk bigger and bigger ones. This creates the expansion needed within self to really understand yourself and understand how to change by understanding the why it needs to change first, all a process, but all doable

Also another point is I find it more a point of I am allowing my mind to direct me into the huge range of thoughts and emotions that go along with them into a point of giving up and giving in where I will easily say ok, fuck, it's too much work, I just can't do it, and will give in at the exact time I have to push through and not give into the resistances. So it's more a point of just pushing through these moments and continue to stop participating in these mind conversations, and as i do this it becomes easier to walk through the point in the future. So it's like a point of constant application and reapplication until it sticks, and I am able to direct myself. But there does come a time where it is too much falling, and I continue to allow it without change, this is the point that I am flag pointing, and will push until I have cleared it in all the commitments that I walk for myself in self responsibility and committing to change for life. It's a point of living it as a natural expression, where it require no thinking, no resistance, but a simple living in what is best, a state such as this does exist, it's a commitment to walk and receive the fruits of this labor as life in the physical equal and one to self. Something unimaginable at this time, but probably the coolest point I have ever understood.

I leave with a cool and inspiring quote that sums this point up quite well by Lao Tzu-

“Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power.”

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