So an interesting point came up within writing about that last point of lacking self confidence and the backchat that activate this belief of myself, and this point that opened up was with the point of rejection. Within myself I have created a huge point of resistance and reaction to being rejected by a group of friends or peers because of the fact of how the emotions that would come up feel such as being humiliated, sadness, loneliness, and the belief that I am unwanted and thus uncool, and this I didn’t want to have anything to do with. To be rejected was to have to feel these feelings and have these thoughts as self judgments of myself asinferior be confirmed, which cause me to go into a state of depression because within myself there was no selfintegrity nor any self respect as I only exist within the outside looking in.
I didn’t know what these words, self integrity and self respect meant nor how to apply them in my living, I only was defining and deciding who I was based on what I thought of how others where perceiving me, was I creating myself to become a person that was acceptable for others, acceptable for the group, and thus then I could be acceptable for myself. But this obviously causing all the havoc and conflict within me because I was only defining myself as a picture, an idea in my head, and an ideal I was hoping others where going to see in me to like me. This only living form mind and from ego, learning the way of greed and competition, the way of this profit driven system to be the best looking and then have a skill, looks matter most I concluded at thattime in school, it really doesn’t matter what kind of person you are or how you treat yourself and the life around you, if I look good, I can be accepted, and then I will be happy. Really?
Little did I know the cycle of abuse that this type of conclusion would create within my life, where no self integrity, no self respect was built, thus there was no self direction, so I allowed my mind to direct me. And it directed me into the deepest and darkest places I have seen yet. Once I was finally rejected from my peer group and humiliated in front of my ‘friends’ I crashed because the world I defined as me crashed. And I created this deep anger and resentment against myself, my physical for allowing this to occur, ‘it’s my body fault, my looks, the way I stand, the way I speak that I am a loser now and this is why I have been rejected’. Never seeing, realizing, or understanding that it was me who was causing this crashed feeling in my world, me as the self judgment to my body and the way I stood and spoke, I mean I was the one bullying myself, I was judging myself, I did not require to do this to myself, my body is supporting me to live unconditionally everybreath in unison, in communion, and in defiance of the mind that I bombard it with, it’s the innocence of this that creates a great shame within me for being this way, but this is not a solution, it is a gift yes, but to stay in shame is still the same, stuck in inaction when I require action.
I must now focus on letting all this go, the judgments of myself as I have forgiven them of myself and ask for release of myself through committing to change my living into acceptance of who I am, of the life that is herein all forms, and accept the expression we all have and can enjoy of eachother forevermore, if I/we just realize we are it, we are all that is here as the gift of life, nothing has to be defined as such in a point of polarity, it doesn’t really exist anyway. We are all here, alive, breathing, and thus it takes a direction of the mind in self respect and self integrity to see this through til it is indeed done. This purpose, respect, and integrity of self is built, nurtured and lived through ones self commitments and living action of change to show it is possible, I/we can live free from our past, and create what is here as new, it just takes a breath and a decision and we are here…..its that easy, just a breath and a decision to walk in absolution, but a process to get to here.
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