A Lady's Journey to Life: Day 310

Monday, May 27, 2013

Day 310 – Feeling Off

Tonight I don’t have anything coming up in terms of a topic to write about, I am in limbo at the moment as I feel a bit overwhelmed with new information coming out and looking at how to understand and integrate this new information into me as I have never heard of it yet in my life. I find a few interesting things that come up when I am faced with this situation or experience within me as this happens quite often of hearing something new for the first time and not knowing what I will make of it.

One, I find I will go into this pattern of waiting to figure it out, like I will not dive in and investigate, read, research what it is that is new to learn, but will slowly read it and look at it to find out more of what it is about. I see that I do this so I can see others examples of how others will understand it and can come to an understanding through that. I find I get overwhelmed with a lot of information at once, and need to hear it or read it through little parts over time. I am not judging this method of study and way I go about this, but I see it as not being the most effective. There is a form of fear of not being able to handle what I am learning, not getting it right the first time, and thus steering others in the wrong path and being made to look foolish for doing this. So still in a self interest starting point, which I am noticing more and more as I walk my process, how much I am in ego and self interest, but it’s cool because I am starting to recognize it more and more, and thus will eventually through the writing have the tools to stop it and change it in one moment as I see it.

But in terms of leadership and this belief that I will not be able to make it, be effective, get everything I am suppose to get, because usually I don’t understand what’s being said in a whole manner initially, I bet not many do, but I have been judging myself for this. Like I am missing something all the time and to a point this is true because obviously I have a lot to learn about the research on the mind and how to walk through it through the process, but this also has this point of not pushing myself as much as I could in researching, and allowing the point to just sit and do it more on a leisurly basis.

It’s like I am still holding back in my process of becoming a self leader, I am making progress I see with my vlogging where I am able to voice myself and just speak without any thought, which is pretty cool. But am still having a hard time in physical communications with people, so still walking the points I have written out on self judgment and facing and changing this in my reality. When I am not living in my fullest potential it shows within self, you can feel it and it’s not a pleasant experience, so will investigate these points in later blogs and continue walking my process to self stability.