Day 293 – Self Judgment – Backchat Breakdown – Thought 2

Please reference these blogs, for further context to this quote below:
Day 291 – Self Judgment – The Voice of Unreason
Day 292- Self Judgment – Back Chat Breakdown – Thought #1

‘how are we going to be able to discuss things, I am too ugly in my face and my face is deformed for him to look within my eyes long enough to like me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my face as deformed and ugly based on my mind's eye seeing it in self judgment through creating this picture in my head based on my imaginations of how I saw myself due to being picked on in school and the ideas I had in my head of how much of a loser i am because of this.

I forgive msyelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a loser because i was picked on in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind within imagination as less then and ugly and play this out in reality seeing myself less then others and inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge deformation and beauty within this world as if it is something that is inferior to other human beings, I realize this is a gross mistake and cause me to become separated from all life forms here as well as myself as we are all different in expressions equally yet all one life force here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life and then judge it as bad/good when i realize it is all here as me as self, and thus I am one and equal and thus responsible for all that is here, within and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this idea of myself as someone who is ugly because within me I have an ideal playing out that I desire to be beautiful above others and gain more attention and praise for myself over others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life about self interest in desire to be more then others and seek attention to have good feelings about myself all the while creating this polarity play out of imagination of who I am within my mind due to defining me by my external world and reality through pictures, and not what is real here within myself and what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less capable then others based on believing this imagination play out and the moments in my mind saying in thoughts that I am this picture of imperfection, when in reality I am just a human being living in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the physical body in all and any part as separate from any other part of whole of the body and thus create a polarity as ugly/beautiful, and thus causeconflict within myself as my physical body something that is can not change and thus is not able to live up to this ideal and thus definition putting me in a path to nowhere constantly in conflict with myself and my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this backchat thought that I am ugly and deformed and thus not desire to approach or be with this potential person because I see myself as inferior and already see it ending bad because he will probably not like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this pattern of self sabotage, and thus continue to act in ways where I am creating a point of demise for myself and thus create the instances of my self sabotage by existing as backchat and listening to them through living them out by sabotage myself with others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not go and meet the other person due to following this thought that I am not good enough for him and he will probably not like me because of the thought saying and I agree that I am so ugly and not ok looking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my thoughts instead of walking the physical with the other, what is real, what we communicate about, how we interact, what is the reality like, instead of going into a point of self defeatism before even meeting.

When and as I go into a point of seeing myself as less then others in my backchat thoughts, I stop and breath, and realize that this will lead to self sabotage and self defeatism, where I will likely avoid the situation and facing my fears and thus allow the mind to control and lose my self empowerment.

I commit myself to breath through all backchat thoughts, and walk the physical point of facing this point that I am trying to avoid, see what comes of it in reality, and allow myself to experience life and living with others.

I commit myself to stop this point of sabotaging myself by stopping the thoughts when they arise or become aware, and expressing myself openly and freely.

I commit myself to stop the self judgments of who I look and how I act, and thus allow myself to just be here and exist with others in my world.


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Day 292- Self Judgment – Back Chat Breakdown – Thought #1

Please reference this blog, for further context to this quote below:

Day 291 – Self Judgment – The Voice of Unreason

‘this is not going to work, your too all over the place, he’ll want someone more stable and calm’ 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this thought as real and thus contemplate ending any chance or interaction with this potential partner due to this thought that I am not ready, I am not someone who will be good for him, I am not stable enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what my mind was saying and follow that through potentially sabotaging the whole meet up due to fear instead of looking at my progression in the physical, how I have changed within and as my own dedication, will and action, and stopped this point of sabotage of myself with the mind that is not in fact real or fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind over my physical action, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my mind as the illusion of thoughts telling me who I am instead of standing within my own self doing and awareness of who I am by how I live and how I have changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection of this potential partner and thus create scenerios in my mind where I used in the past to sabotage myself so I don’t have to face this potential of possibly being rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind in my own self interest in the past to not have to face my fears, and thus blame the mind for what it is that I am doing as sabotaging myself instead of taking responsibility for myself and realizing it is me as the mind that has to change, I the directive principle of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to sabatoge myself and thus use and abusethese backchat thoughts of less then beleifs to do this with and make me not move and push through my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use illusions as thoughts and thus backchat thought of seeing myself less then to justify my existing in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to direct me in my living instead of directing myself in common sense and what is best for all.

When and as I see myself going into my mind and following backchat thoughts of self sabotage, I stop and breath, and realize that these thoughts are not who I am and are not real. I realize I define and thus am able to direct myself in my own awareness based on how I live in the physical and who I am within my beingness.

I commit myself to not accept this thought of ‘this is not going to work, your too all over the place, he’ll want someone more stable and calm’ to direct me by speaking this is not real it’s my backchat, and breathingthrough this thought, and walking the path of the physical, facing my fear.

I commit myself to check and see what is the point that I am abdicating to the mind by accepting this backchat thought, and bring this point through writing and correction so it stops having power over me.

I commit myself to move within physical awareness and not participate in any backchat thought that arises by not participating.

When and as I see that I am going into fear and following this backchat due to this fear, I stop and breath, and realize that fear is not who I am and I am not bound by this fear. I realize I can move beyond fear by facing it and finding the point that is able to be walked to support to stabilize myself and walk what is best for the situation.

I commit myself to move my physical body through this fear by pushing myself to face the fear, find the common ground within the points, and walk the physical solution in self honesty to support me to be stable, find this point through writing, and push myself to live it.

I commit myself to find the trigger point for this fear and push this point to face it and stop it from controlling me, and in this case stop the thoughts from directing me by focusing on what is physically real and that life is equal and one.


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Day 291 – Self Judgment – The Voice of Unreason

I was observing my mind tonight, and I have been recently looking at a potential agreement partner that I see could work, and within my mind I in the background catch phrases like ‘this is not going to work, your too all over the place, he’ll want someone more stable and calm’ and ‘how are we going to be able to discuss things, I am too ugly in my face and my face is deformed for him to look within my eyes long enough to like me” and “I am too far gone for this to work out and be able to be stable with another, I am not able to stand stable, I am too fucked up to be able to have a guy be into me and have it work out.”

So these are the backchat thoughts that I observed in a matter of about one minute within myself and I am seeing them more and more now that I am paying attention to them, they are constantly going on within the background in scenarios I am looking at where I feel anxiety or fear, and it will always be in the nature of self sabotage. So eventually this I will follow and go into the point of physical interaction with the other, and be in the back of my mind going through all these thoughts of how rotten and unattractive I am to others, causing me to eventually seek to jump ship and bounce or take on a partner or project that is less then my full potentialof what I can do due to inferiority and following this backchat of self judgment as if it is real, which it is not!

I find the most debilitating of backchat is these thoughts of my physical features and look, I have wrote before that I was made fun in the past specifically about the way I looked, and thus from this point on I always saw myself in this way, a point of vulnerability within my look that people could make fun of me for. So this carried into me always being on guard and in a defensive stance towards others, waiting and observing for the point of action where the other could possible abuse me, and me avoiding it at all costs because the pain of humiliation I dreaded. But this causing me very much to suppress and define and figure things out through my mind within the starting point of seeing me as flawed, ugly, and that I had a point of weakness that others could monopolize on. Showing how much I was within competition and desire to win and be the best, but thus lived life in misery because of this weakness I perceived I had and that others knew I had as well.

I very much hated the fact of the position I put myself in, and what the mind developed into of a really of nasty and abusive thoughts, words, pictures, and actions toward myself and eventually all others in my world. The self judgment was a fuel that kept this going the same pattern of thoughts and memories holding me into this character and it being sustained through fear of abuse, and thus I have existed in this way of self torture really for years of my life, seeking myself to be more, superior, positive experiences, but living within the less, inferior, and negative experiences of myself, never stable, never here, always in my mind in fear.

And now, I am dealing with the outflow of years of existing like this, constantly and continuously being in my head within every interaction I come into contact with, judging how others are seeing me, feeling anxious and in fear to be in front of others and possibly be abused, and it was based on the standard of perfection that I put myself into and where I wanted to be seen as within the earlier stages of my life. I didn’t want to be average, I didn’t want to be poor, I didn’t want to live of life of any kind of suffering, but wanted everything to the best of what this life had to offer concluding only existing within my own self interest, and thus defining me within only these standards, what I have and thus what I did not have.

Will continue in blogs to come.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

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