Monday, May 13, 2013

Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

Here looking at the comparisons I have made in my life within money, I am going to bring up some memories I have within me pertaining to this point, and will write out self forgiveness and self corrections for each one.

-my friend in school, I went to her house, she had the same amount of kids in her family as us, but her house was really big and she had this gigantic tv that fit her whole wall, I was amazed and in that moment compared myself/family to hers and saw us as less able to buy these things like this huge tv which I desired, and so got depressed cause we couldn’t afford such things that I really wanted and saw would be really cool to have.

-my cousins always got really cool nice cars, like the new fancy ones, that I desired for us to have, we always had the old used cars and never anything fancy and new. If we did get one fairly new, it was always a year or two old. I resented my parents for this because they didn’t really care to pay that much for a car, and I wanted one that was new and cool to impress others and show that we had a lot of money.

-we always got on weekends and in summer like treats, ice cream, mcdonalds, and things that cost ‘money’, and so I would see myself as better and more worthy then these particular friends I hung out with, who hardly ever got these types of ‘treats’, but desired it, it’s not that they couldn’t afford it but just didn’t get it a lot, and I equated this to them having less money then us, so judged us as better cause we got treats and they didn’t.

-shopping at ames and bradleys which were stores that were cheaper in price and my sisters use to make fun of my mom for going there, and so I from that perspective saw it as a cheap and like not cool place to shop, so saw us as ‘low-class’ for shopping at these places for clothes and thus didn’t want to be associated with the name of these stores nor buying clothes from them and wearing them around my friends in more the older childhood like 5th-6th grade on.

-when I got my first car, I identified it with the brand as jeep and saw that I am in a cool car as this is an expensive brand and car, so I can been seen as elite, more worthy, and high class with this symbol as the car i drove as someone who has money even though I hardly had money, but wanted to give off the impression to others that I had money cause i associated money with acceptablity.

Here is plenty for now for this point of walking the self forgiveness and self corrections within the point of comparison, self judgment, and money. Will continue in the next blogs walking each memory one by one.


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