Day 28 - Allowing Self to Flow - The Hips - Resisting what is here

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So from working through the points with my gut, and working with trusting myself, I am moving on to the hips, where i am finding them to have gained some weight, and also have some pain in the left side. This pain is in the joint area where it feels as if it has been over worked or over used, compensating for the imbalance of my walk where I tend to put more weight on my left side when walking. So some words to work with here is overcompensating, inflexibility, immobile, constriction, and imbalance. 

I am seeing that due to my relationships in the past and my own self relationship with myself, I have allowed myself to become more left side dominant then right side, causing those muscles to be over used and over worked causing pain and discomfort. The weight gain i am seieng due to staying stuck in the past, not moving myself here in the physical through staying stuck in my mistakes i allowed and in this the expressions of self that i didn't live into. This resistance i am seeing of facing my past and what i have allowed in relationships for instance with others and myself, i am over compensating within my day to day activities, pushing beyond my flexibility and capacity where i want to do something, but i have not allowed my body and self discipline to catch up with the potential i am seeing. Not stretching for instance, spending the extra time to warm up before i go into the critical exercise and heavy tax on my body/self, but just move through the pain and discomfort, even though it is causing potential damage. This a lack of self awareness and self discipline, and essentially being lazy, giving up on my best.  

 Within my relationships, this is staying in a relationship or moving out of a relationship due to the thoughts of something is wrong or all is good, not working step by step with the physical and the reality feedback, but wanting it to be the way that suits me best for my interest. Lacking self honesty when in fact i require it to ensure that i am not fucking myself or another, and not allowing or accepting any abuse within my reality/self space. If i am allowing this in my world, then i am allowing it in others worlds as well, maybe not deliberately directly, but subtle it is playing out until eventually it comes to a head and all hell breaks lose and energy outbursts is created.  

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist the patience and stability as self discipline it'll take to walk the step by step process in the physical to walk the alignment of ensuring the steps are taken i can see that will support myself to be the best i can be and ensure the consideration of all involved is well aligned and understood so all benefit as best possible not matter the effort it'll take as long as what is best and common sense is considered.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a desire to take it easy and work with my desires, where i can give into my wants and perceived needs within the idea that i am good, i can do it another time.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that time is something that i have to use with as i please, when i see, realize, and understand that everything has a consequence and everything is existing within space time and in my desires/ wants/ needs i am truly only considering myself and my small circle as my local environment not considering all life within the principles that i live within as it is in self interest only and not what is best for all. 

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be desiring to get my own way and in this not listen to common sense, but only listen to my mind as self interest reasoning that i can do what i want or i can get what i want and in that push beyond the consideration of all, and push to get my needs met above others.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others within my reality about what has transpired in my world, where i seek out the point of desiring the punishment to go onto them as i believe i was done onto and in this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i was justified to harm others within my force of self onto others where i got my own way and punished others and in this believed that i won, when i see, realize, and understand no one wins. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful within and as my reality, where i go into blame and anger toward the injustices of others as i believe, instead of taking self responsibility for what i have created and finding the will to live something new that is aligned to others/all and live this change until it is done.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy and apathetic within and as the movement of self to do what is necessary to be done to ensure a world that is best for all as i start with myself within self discipline and self honesty to forgive myself for my past, and walk a change process that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not have compassion within and as others and myself as a point of walking the change process as it takes time and ensuring that application of breathe awareness and constant alignment with what is best as what is best for self is live within my day to day living, letting go of the want desire of self interest and considering in common sense what i can do that is best for all involved. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful and angry when i do not get my way as i see my life then will be more difficult.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being and living life more difficult instead of walking my consequence no matter what it is and aligning myself to the solutions that is best for all life. 

I forgive msyelf to be in flexible within and as change when change is necessary to direct and correct myself to what is best and what will ensure i am able to do what is best in my living as this in fact is the only way of life that matters and is truly what i would want for myself and in all shoes if i had to live in them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist my past instead of accepting my past as myself, forgive it as myself, and change myself to align here with what is best for all as living words and living solutions to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the signs of imbalance within my body, prioritizing performance or outcomes over presence and care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate pain with progress, instead of seeing that pain is my body’s voice asking for care, realignment, and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush my process out of fear of not being enough, instead of trusting the timing of my realignment as breath by breath, here.

When and as I see myself wanting to push through pain or discomfort without listening to my body, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that my body is not a machine to conquer, but a living being I am here to walk with in partnership.

When and as I resist slowing down or preparing properly (emotionally or physically), I realize I am sabotaging my own potential. I choose preparation and structure over rush and self-interest.

When and as I go into guilt or regret about my past mistakes in relationships, I stop. I breathe. I remind myself that I am not defined by the past, but by who I choose to be in this breath forward.

I commit myself to let go of the desire in self interest to get what i want, and align myself in thought word and deed to what is best for all with my money, my awareness, my time, my energy as i see this is truly the world i would like to create and raise children in.

I commit myself to never give up on myself as all life within the acceptance of what is here and taking full self responsibility to walk my talk in common sense to do what i am able in the space i have to align life to what is best for all through equality and oneness and what is best for all.

I commit myself to stand in self discipline and consistency as i change myself to self interest only to what is best for all as would be best for me proven in my living, and tracking it in my day to day operations.

I commit myself to listen to my physical body more, i commit myself to live the word gentleness where i care for myself and my physical that has been pushed beyond limits at time and requires compassion as self here. 

I commit myself to remain stead fast in my principles of life as self forgiveness, accepting myself for who i am and changing myself step by step as i let go of the past through self forgiveness and changing through living words that will ensure i am living the best version of myself within a consistent application and growth. Also i commit myself to get up from each fall, and stand as life until all life is free as i have freed myself here as breathe. 

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Shame - Part 1 - Living this as a statement of self correction through self forgiveness - Day 594

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Shame

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be indebted in the emotional experience of shame in the sense of weakening my life force as a point of punishment and harshness against who i am as a being when i accept and see i have allowed this experience of shame to be manifest as a being i have become that harms and abuse myself as life, where instead of punishing and diminishing me, i learn from this experience once and for all as the experience of doing harm onto another and within that allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from the life/being of the other which is equal and one to me, and through this understanding and learning, once and for all change myself to stand as the living solution as who i am to no longer accept and allow this harm and abuse of self and so others to be done again, living the statement enough is enough.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within shame desire to drown in it and experience myself as the most evil and worst being that exist, when i see, realize, and understand the real grace and integrity is within who i am and how i will stand up within myself in the gift that is the shame experience of the emotional baggage that accompanies it to stand within it as my self responsibility to stop in all ways my thoughts, my words, and my actions that creates and outflows within to the without any form of harm that is done onto another and cause another to experience themselves less then what is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience within me where i abdicate my responsibility to change who i am within my core as my self honest being awareness as i am fully and understand and realize my full responsibility for every word i speak, every thought i have, and every action i make is equal and one and will create an exponential outflow for better or worse that will create abuse as my outflow or will create a life giving measure that i have equally given to myself as i walk the change process within myself to the without to never allow and accept self abuse and thus allow the abuse of my actions, thoughts, and words to be done onto my world and physical reach, and so within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be abusive and harmful within my own mind and within my own thoughts toward myself, and thus accept and allow these abuses to be lived out in my reality onto others because i am not changing this experience within myself due to fear, laziness, and/or lack of will.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to run away from the experience of shame as emotional energy i experience within my body as i stand within my self core and realize i am no longer standing within the self as what is best, but allowing and accepting the thoughts of abuse and harm to be participated in within me and lived out in my actions as spite, manipulation, fear, and abdicating my responsibility for who i am within and as my thoughts, words, and deeds.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as a statement of who i am in my living that i don’t have the will to change my abusive behavior and so continue to live self abuse and self harm which will be lived out in my reality as abuse and harm to others, and thus i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see the gift in the shame experience and through this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not yet have the will to once and for all stop this behavior of self harm and move into a correction process of my self core self honesty where i know the truth of me and who i am, and so do whatever it takes to stop self abuse and live the solution for self in what is best for all so my life beingness can manifest in my highest potential and thus become a plus one for life here in what is best for all as i realize i am the creator of myself and thus my reality as me.

I commit myself to see the emotional experience of shame as a point of support and use this experience to confirm and apply in my living application of who i am within my inner self core to the without to no longer accept and allow this experience of abdicating my responsibility to change myself in my highest honor as what is best for self and so standing and living this as my living declaration of who i am in my reality as a being that supports all in what is best for all as i have proven it within myself to do what is best for self as i change the experience of outflow that created the emotional experience of shame as self abuse to stop and live the solution as my living thought, word and deed until proven in my living reality that i have changed and the shame experience is no longer present as me.

I commit myself to live the word grace as a grateful pace where i stand in gratefulness when this experience of shame comes through and immediately within this grace apply my self commitments of living self forgiveness to forgive myself for the errors of my ways that cause evil in my reality, which is living what is best in reverse, causing harm and abuse as my outflow and using the grace of life to walk the change process i have been gifted to no longer allow this abuse to be lived ever again.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts within myself of self abuse as harm and ill will onto myself in my thoughts, by immediately in real time application apply self forgiveness and changing my actions to stand in the commitments of life giving self, as a way to live in what is best as i learn and understand myself through the for-giveness i give to myself and so can equally give to others as i prove within who i am that i am worthy of life and worthy of standing within and as my self honesty self core point to be an example as life as i have proven and lived this for myself first and foremost in my direct reality and within my self core self honesty point where i prove and so stand as the example in what is best for all as what is best for me.

I commit myself to stop the errors of me as shameful acts, which i have redefined as the a-sham-expression, and start living the real self of who i am as a life giving being that has changed my living will from self harm and self abuse to self care and self love in a grace of giving me the opportunity to forgive and live again in what is best as i learn and grow through my breathes as a being that can stand and support myself to live here in what is best in what is common sense and supports self in my own living application and then by the grace of life here give this understanding and learning of my living to others as a gift as i have given to myself.

Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave any comment or questions if you see fit.

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Day 289 – Self Judgment – “I Deserve to Suffer?”

Here I am looking at this desire within this self judgment persona I have lived out for many years in my life and walking it out to transcend, I see within this I believed that I deserved this self torture I was giving to myself with the beliefs and ideas that I had something wrong with me, that I was dumb and was barely useful in anything, and that it didn’t matter if I live or was gone, I was useless and not worthy, so it was really a point of self hate. I didn’t like myself within the life I had and the body I had, and thus because of this point of hate towards myself, I allowed myself to abuse and harm my physical body through mental torture and fear. I desired a specific outcome, a specific way of life, a specific look, and thus when I was not able to achieve these things, I created the opposite, a point of suffering because I didn’t match up to my ideal and thus I was not going to live the life I wanted, and it’s my fault, it’s my bodies fault for being flawed, and this I didn’t care what happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program within myself that I deserve to suffer due to the belief that I am ‘flawed’ and cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to suffer because I was angry at the fact that I was ‘flawed’ and within this anger want to destroy that part that was causing this anger and pain in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my physical body that which allows me life for the thoughts in my head that I am flawed and thus I deserve to suffer because I am not the idea in my head as a perfect body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my physical body because of how others treated me and thus instead of seeing the comments of others as a point of insecurity on the other, I blamed my body as the reason of these comments and saw it as the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about my own self interest and miss the others in my world in the harm and abuse I caused as conflict and spite due to existing in jealousy and comparison, and thus abusing others due to my desires for getting what I want and take my anger out on them because I didn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so blinded within my desire to be happy and thus created the absolute point of polarity as misery within my world because I could not get my self interest and thus blamed that which I could everyone else and everything else to not have to face the creator of this suffering and that would be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create suffering within myself and my physical body, and desire myself to suffer because I believed I could get what I wanted in self interest.


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Day 14 - I Abuse Life

I became possessed yesterday when I found out my sister had thrown out my food that I just bought, I asked her why she threw it out and she told me that there is so many of the same things and we don't need all this food. I went into intense anger when I heard those words as I immediately saw her as a selfish bitch, and having no consideration for anyone but herself. I went into intense points of wanting to flip out on her as I was allowing the thoughts to accumulate and intensify as I was scanning through all the points within me of how she is selfish, and only looks out for herself. To cool off a bit and stop the acceleration of anger I was allowing, I took my dog to the field to play ball. I use a racket and tennis balls, and blast them across the field. I hit the tennis ball with all my force as I still was holding onto the anger and really just wanted to take it out on something, so I did with the racket and the ball. Using all my force and my whole body quite unnaturally where my whole body would move with the swing, I blasted the ball as hard as I could where I would turn myself around as I followed through with such force and intensity. I ended up tearing a muscle in my neck and it's been stiff now since yesterday.

I found support with identifying pain from the desteni group, specifically Sunette Spies, and she said to push gently on the pained area and look within your solar plexus area and see what energies/memories/points come up within pushing on the pained area. I did this an immediately I saw anger. I did this this afternoon and had forgotten about the event and the the ball activity at the park with my dog yesterday, but as I looked at this point as anger these play outs were here for me to look at. So I was quite impressed when I saw this point arise as I see with phsyical result how the body is a support. Within this point of tearing my neck muscle, I see it as I am trying to tear myself away from myself through and as the point with my sister, instead of facing myself as anger, as selfishness, as inconsideration of others, I want to get away and tear the ties that are here with her, as this is impossible, as I see with the neck, I am only tearing myself apart. I walk the forgiveness and stand as a correction to thus not fight and react to myself in separating, but stand in oneness with myself as all so we can walk to solutions and stop the tearing of ourselves, and really live here as who we are  as Life as we live our words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to walk within and as spite and resentment of another being when I perceive what is being done to me as a direct assault onto who I am as I don't consider the other and the state in which they are in in all that I know that is going on in their worlds, and thus go into reaction as anger to manifest which cause abuse as yelling and hurtful words to thus induce my ego and make me more. I realize and see that within this point of not accepting the other as myself I am only perpetuating and enslaving my own self sabotage point as I am not finding the core route of the problem which is me within and as who I am existing as in that moment, but going into deflection as blame and resentment onto the other not facing myself and who I am being. The core root problem being me and not taking into consideration the other as me, but want to be more and get my anger out onto them to gain nice feelings.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist within and as anger towards any being in my world based on me taken what is done to me as a personal attack and thus going into defense mode as I try and fend off the other as if they are causing harm to me, when I realize and see that no harm is done onto me and that they are not personally attacking me, but only participating in the points that they themselves do not accept and thus are allowing to direct them as the mind, so I realize and see instead of going into reaction and causing more of a problem and actually creating self diminishment, best to breath here and allow myself to let go of the energy to try and make my energy win, but stand as equal to the other and come to solutions that will be best for both.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into anger based on seeing my sister as the perpetrator and that she only considers herself in everything she does, not seeing that I am the one who is only considering myself within the blame and anger towards her for throwing out my food when I would throw out her food if I saw it necessary, and I didn't give her equal and one consideration as I would give myself, so thus I desire to only meet my end by taking out my energy movement as anger when I found out my food had been thrown out and accept and allow myself to take it out on my sister for doing something that I would do and have done with her food as well. I realize and see that within this point I must consider all points within consideration of myself and the other, firstly, by stopping my ego as energy to just want to win and take out energy onto another to gain satisfaction within the release, and stopping the participation in reaction to the other as blame and anger as I realize they are doing this based on their own mind patterns and points as I am doing this within myself. I realize this release within letting go of anger on another is only putting fuel to the fire as I see and find the other is reacting as well and will react as a mind system same as me and the problem will get worse and more intense, as I am the creator and creation as the problem, so thus it will not stop until I stop.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to release anger onto another based on existing within blame not considering the other as myself and within this specific case what the other as me has been through and is going through in terms of her life experiences and that she is not doing this unto me as a personal attack and I realize I  am not personally harmed by this act of throwing my food out, and within this I realize that there are more deep issues between the surface that I am not being sensitive to nor in equality and oneness with as her as I am existing within anger as blame to see my ego restored as I go into a resistance when I find that I had my stuff thrown out as if I am only caring and seeing myself. I realize and see this whole play out as anger was based on holding onto my ego and seeing that it was diminished and not respected due to the fact that my stuff was thrown out deliberately.

Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be within and as ego games with others to try to force my will on them as anger and regain the control in the play out of inferior/superior I am existing as and thus want to be on top again so I can control the other and make for me to always have energy generated from this being to gain for me to see that I am more strong then this being and she will always be weaker then me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use anger as a force to diminish another to remain in control and authority within the play out of the two of us so I can remain in superiority because I gain feelings of grandeur for my ego which I am compensating with other moments that I am accepting in my world where I feel less then and like shit as I am accepting myself to be inferior to others and give them the control over me by submitting to this play out of being and seeing myself less then them. I realize and see I am only perpetuating this cycle of enslavement within myself by existing in this play out of weak strong with others in my world, as I am existing as weak/strong within fragment pieces of myself because I am not seeing myself here as all and I am not accepting myself here as all. Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within polarity play outs of ego as weak/strong as I realize I am not separate from these points, but am equal to and one with these points and thus must walk equal as me as all and redefine the word as weak/strong to be best for all.

Word Re-definition- Weak and Strong


Weak- to live within and as points of showing where within this existence correction is needed to give us a gauge as physical consequence to see where we may have missed a point to thus see that it is not as prominent as it is could be within stability, and thus we can see this in the weak point, and therefore walk the correction equal and one with all existence as self to become stable again as the correction.

Strong- to live within and as points of seeing where in our selves we have become stable and prominent within living as equality and oneness and thus show as strength in unison as balance and harmony within and as the sound movement of life within as the physical as we correct a point to satisfaction and see the physical result as a strength within and as self as life as the physical as what is specified and walked accordingly to what is best for all.
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I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as ego as mind towards life within and as my world in the act of physically by force through the act of creating my face and voice in high pitches and 'angry' looking expressions to thus put fear in the other and try and submit them to my control so thus I can suck the energy from them as they submit to me and I win within and as myself as I gain a nice feeling within me when I find that I am more then another by having them submit to me as anger and aggression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist within this anger and perpetuate it with the other as they grow within their ego in desire to be the winner and thus gain good feelings for themselves, so thus create a dangerous and abusive situation for the both of us as common sense analysis in self honesty is not consider and only winning is considered where I compromise myself and diminish myself by separating myself from the other and using them within and as abuse to make myself feel better and more through gaining energy by beating them and getting them to submit by using force as anger. I realize and see this is a complete statement to myself as life as I don't see myself as who I am as one with life and thus actually go and abuse myself as the other as I am only seeing myself within self interest and polarities where I will go so far as to physical hurt myself as the other to be on top and see that I am a winner as I am not accepting myself and in fear of who I am if I do so thus go into anger and gain energy cause it's easier then having to walk the correction and stopping this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to accept myself as anger as ego in an attempt to be more then another as I go and live out this anger where I will physically form myself to be mean and aggressive toward the other so I can be on top and I can get them to submit in fear, but also not caring to consider the other as me as who we are as life within our walks as our physical processes, but only be within and as self interest to feed on energy and become the best as I seek to gain acceptance from others through being the best over others. I realize and see that anger only diminish me as I am only trying to be more and control others as me here as I realize all here is me, and also I am compromising myself as life by trying to create fear and suffering in another to make me seem more by having the other submit due to this fear as me as a anger demon, and thus completely separate myself here as life as the physical as I have degraded and became less then the energies I am producing as I am creating them and manifesting them as myself onto another because I am not accepting myself and desire to have acceptance outside of myself because I am believing and existing as an ego in separation in desires to be more.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have fear exist within and as me and use it onto others as anger and aggressiveness to be in control as I am in fear of myself as I don't want to see who I am and what I am doing so thus i just continue as is until I am faced with it and can not turn away as this act of ripping the muscle in my neck and having it physical manifest where I am tearing my life force from myself by abusing and degrading the life in another that is equal and one to me based on an illusion I am accepting that is to be greater than for power and control to generate energy that does not last and does not give me any more power or control over anyone, but only cause me to diminish until I cease to exist at death because life is not energy and abuse, life is one and equal. I realize and see that I do not need to live in such a way as abuse and control, but I can exist within and as oneness and equality with all life as I accept life as myself and let go of my ego to be more as I accept myself as who I am as life one and equal with what is here.

When and as this point to go into blame, anger, and the desire to be more, I stop, breath, and state 'I am not separate from this being, I am not my ego' and thus I walk within and as breathing to release all the built up emotion, I walk away until it diminishes, and I do not react in any way until I am stable and live no abuse as myself in any way whatsoever. I walk this until I am stable and no energy movement moves me no matter what is done to me, I realize and see the other is me, and thus only walking their process as I have and am to self realize the same points, we are not our minds as energy, but here as life as physical substance. I walk this until I am here, and I have never again allowed, anger, abuse, control, and any point to be more then another in self interest. I walk to let go of my ego and embrace all as myself in who I am as the other as life and walk solutions, find solutions, and assist others when I have walked the correction so life can and will be lived best for all through my own self will as my physical self correction to stop me as ego.

I commit to stop all points of blame, anger, resentfulness, and control with all points in my world until I have become this and thus am able to direct all point within the solution in what is best for all life.

I commit to walk the correction as breath until I am not moved by any point of outside influence as I have walked it as myself and see that I am the other and thus only showing me to me, so I commit to walk me until I am not moved by any point and thus then direct when I am here stable one and equal.



anger, sister fight, blaming, stupid argument, hurt neck, dog play, ego trips, egos, ego, pain, identifying pains, what is pain, equality, oneness, equal money, desteni, wiki, 2012, eqafe, 7 year journey to nothingness, demon