Day 14 - I Abuse Life

I became possessed yesterday when I found out my sister had thrown out my food that I just bought, I asked her why she threw it out and she told me that there is so many of the same things and we don't need all this food. I went into intense anger when I heard those words as I immediately saw her as a selfish bitch, and having no consideration for anyone but herself. I went into intense points of wanting to flip out on her as I was allowing the thoughts to accumulate and intensify as I was scanning through all the points within me of how she is selfish, and only looks out for herself. To cool off a bit and stop the acceleration of anger I was allowing, I took my dog to the field to play ball. I use a racket and tennis balls, and blast them across the field. I hit the tennis ball with all my force as I still was holding onto the anger and really just wanted to take it out on something, so I did with the racket and the ball. Using all my force and my whole body quite unnaturally where my whole body would move with the swing, I blasted the ball as hard as I could where I would turn myself around as I followed through with such force and intensity. I ended up tearing a muscle in my neck and it's been stiff now since yesterday.

I found support with identifying pain from the desteni group, specifically Sunette Spies, and she said to push gently on the pained area and look within your solar plexus area and see what energies/memories/points come up within pushing on the pained area. I did this an immediately I saw anger. I did this this afternoon and had forgotten about the event and the the ball activity at the park with my dog yesterday, but as I looked at this point as anger these play outs were here for me to look at. So I was quite impressed when I saw this point arise as I see with phsyical result how the body is a support. Within this point of tearing my neck muscle, I see it as I am trying to tear myself away from myself through and as the point with my sister, instead of facing myself as anger, as selfishness, as inconsideration of others, I want to get away and tear the ties that are here with her, as this is impossible, as I see with the neck, I am only tearing myself apart. I walk the forgiveness and stand as a correction to thus not fight and react to myself in separating, but stand in oneness with myself as all so we can walk to solutions and stop the tearing of ourselves, and really live here as who we are  as Life as we live our words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to walk within and as spite and resentment of another being when I perceive what is being done to me as a direct assault onto who I am as I don't consider the other and the state in which they are in in all that I know that is going on in their worlds, and thus go into reaction as anger to manifest which cause abuse as yelling and hurtful words to thus induce my ego and make me more. I realize and see that within this point of not accepting the other as myself I am only perpetuating and enslaving my own self sabotage point as I am not finding the core route of the problem which is me within and as who I am existing as in that moment, but going into deflection as blame and resentment onto the other not facing myself and who I am being. The core root problem being me and not taking into consideration the other as me, but want to be more and get my anger out onto them to gain nice feelings.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist within and as anger towards any being in my world based on me taken what is done to me as a personal attack and thus going into defense mode as I try and fend off the other as if they are causing harm to me, when I realize and see that no harm is done onto me and that they are not personally attacking me, but only participating in the points that they themselves do not accept and thus are allowing to direct them as the mind, so I realize and see instead of going into reaction and causing more of a problem and actually creating self diminishment, best to breath here and allow myself to let go of the energy to try and make my energy win, but stand as equal to the other and come to solutions that will be best for both.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into anger based on seeing my sister as the perpetrator and that she only considers herself in everything she does, not seeing that I am the one who is only considering myself within the blame and anger towards her for throwing out my food when I would throw out her food if I saw it necessary, and I didn't give her equal and one consideration as I would give myself, so thus I desire to only meet my end by taking out my energy movement as anger when I found out my food had been thrown out and accept and allow myself to take it out on my sister for doing something that I would do and have done with her food as well. I realize and see that within this point I must consider all points within consideration of myself and the other, firstly, by stopping my ego as energy to just want to win and take out energy onto another to gain satisfaction within the release, and stopping the participation in reaction to the other as blame and anger as I realize they are doing this based on their own mind patterns and points as I am doing this within myself. I realize this release within letting go of anger on another is only putting fuel to the fire as I see and find the other is reacting as well and will react as a mind system same as me and the problem will get worse and more intense, as I am the creator and creation as the problem, so thus it will not stop until I stop.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to release anger onto another based on existing within blame not considering the other as myself and within this specific case what the other as me has been through and is going through in terms of her life experiences and that she is not doing this unto me as a personal attack and I realize I  am not personally harmed by this act of throwing my food out, and within this I realize that there are more deep issues between the surface that I am not being sensitive to nor in equality and oneness with as her as I am existing within anger as blame to see my ego restored as I go into a resistance when I find that I had my stuff thrown out as if I am only caring and seeing myself. I realize and see this whole play out as anger was based on holding onto my ego and seeing that it was diminished and not respected due to the fact that my stuff was thrown out deliberately.

Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be within and as ego games with others to try to force my will on them as anger and regain the control in the play out of inferior/superior I am existing as and thus want to be on top again so I can control the other and make for me to always have energy generated from this being to gain for me to see that I am more strong then this being and she will always be weaker then me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use anger as a force to diminish another to remain in control and authority within the play out of the two of us so I can remain in superiority because I gain feelings of grandeur for my ego which I am compensating with other moments that I am accepting in my world where I feel less then and like shit as I am accepting myself to be inferior to others and give them the control over me by submitting to this play out of being and seeing myself less then them. I realize and see I am only perpetuating this cycle of enslavement within myself by existing in this play out of weak strong with others in my world, as I am existing as weak/strong within fragment pieces of myself because I am not seeing myself here as all and I am not accepting myself here as all. Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within polarity play outs of ego as weak/strong as I realize I am not separate from these points, but am equal to and one with these points and thus must walk equal as me as all and redefine the word as weak/strong to be best for all.

Word Re-definition- Weak and Strong


Weak- to live within and as points of showing where within this existence correction is needed to give us a gauge as physical consequence to see where we may have missed a point to thus see that it is not as prominent as it is could be within stability, and thus we can see this in the weak point, and therefore walk the correction equal and one with all existence as self to become stable again as the correction.

Strong- to live within and as points of seeing where in our selves we have become stable and prominent within living as equality and oneness and thus show as strength in unison as balance and harmony within and as the sound movement of life within as the physical as we correct a point to satisfaction and see the physical result as a strength within and as self as life as the physical as what is specified and walked accordingly to what is best for all.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as ego as mind towards life within and as my world in the act of physically by force through the act of creating my face and voice in high pitches and 'angry' looking expressions to thus put fear in the other and try and submit them to my control so thus I can suck the energy from them as they submit to me and I win within and as myself as I gain a nice feeling within me when I find that I am more then another by having them submit to me as anger and aggression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist within this anger and perpetuate it with the other as they grow within their ego in desire to be the winner and thus gain good feelings for themselves, so thus create a dangerous and abusive situation for the both of us as common sense analysis in self honesty is not consider and only winning is considered where I compromise myself and diminish myself by separating myself from the other and using them within and as abuse to make myself feel better and more through gaining energy by beating them and getting them to submit by using force as anger. I realize and see this is a complete statement to myself as life as I don't see myself as who I am as one with life and thus actually go and abuse myself as the other as I am only seeing myself within self interest and polarities where I will go so far as to physical hurt myself as the other to be on top and see that I am a winner as I am not accepting myself and in fear of who I am if I do so thus go into anger and gain energy cause it's easier then having to walk the correction and stopping this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to accept myself as anger as ego in an attempt to be more then another as I go and live out this anger where I will physically form myself to be mean and aggressive toward the other so I can be on top and I can get them to submit in fear, but also not caring to consider the other as me as who we are as life within our walks as our physical processes, but only be within and as self interest to feed on energy and become the best as I seek to gain acceptance from others through being the best over others. I realize and see that anger only diminish me as I am only trying to be more and control others as me here as I realize all here is me, and also I am compromising myself as life by trying to create fear and suffering in another to make me seem more by having the other submit due to this fear as me as a anger demon, and thus completely separate myself here as life as the physical as I have degraded and became less then the energies I am producing as I am creating them and manifesting them as myself onto another because I am not accepting myself and desire to have acceptance outside of myself because I am believing and existing as an ego in separation in desires to be more.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have fear exist within and as me and use it onto others as anger and aggressiveness to be in control as I am in fear of myself as I don't want to see who I am and what I am doing so thus i just continue as is until I am faced with it and can not turn away as this act of ripping the muscle in my neck and having it physical manifest where I am tearing my life force from myself by abusing and degrading the life in another that is equal and one to me based on an illusion I am accepting that is to be greater than for power and control to generate energy that does not last and does not give me any more power or control over anyone, but only cause me to diminish until I cease to exist at death because life is not energy and abuse, life is one and equal. I realize and see that I do not need to live in such a way as abuse and control, but I can exist within and as oneness and equality with all life as I accept life as myself and let go of my ego to be more as I accept myself as who I am as life one and equal with what is here.

When and as this point to go into blame, anger, and the desire to be more, I stop, breath, and state 'I am not separate from this being, I am not my ego' and thus I walk within and as breathing to release all the built up emotion, I walk away until it diminishes, and I do not react in any way until I am stable and live no abuse as myself in any way whatsoever. I walk this until I am stable and no energy movement moves me no matter what is done to me, I realize and see the other is me, and thus only walking their process as I have and am to self realize the same points, we are not our minds as energy, but here as life as physical substance. I walk this until I am here, and I have never again allowed, anger, abuse, control, and any point to be more then another in self interest. I walk to let go of my ego and embrace all as myself in who I am as the other as life and walk solutions, find solutions, and assist others when I have walked the correction so life can and will be lived best for all through my own self will as my physical self correction to stop me as ego.

I commit to stop all points of blame, anger, resentfulness, and control with all points in my world until I have become this and thus am able to direct all point within the solution in what is best for all life.

I commit to walk the correction as breath until I am not moved by any point of outside influence as I have walked it as myself and see that I am the other and thus only showing me to me, so I commit to walk me until I am not moved by any point and thus then direct when I am here stable one and equal.



anger, sister fight, blaming, stupid argument, hurt neck, dog play, ego trips, egos, ego, pain, identifying pains, what is pain, equality, oneness, equal money, desteni, wiki, 2012, eqafe, 7 year journey to nothingness, demon

Day 5- Resentful Based on Blaming Life

I find I am resentful when I do not accept myself fully here and take responsibility for all the points that need to be looked after and kept up, when I fall behind and allow tasks to pile up, I will go into blame towards any point within my world, and then be resentful to those that are on the ball or rather smoothly walking through their day. Missing myself within this point of equality  with others, and thus going into a tantrum because I am not having an easy time and want my life to be easy and enjoyable all the time, and when I don't get this I blame and resent that I see have this and thus justify the abuse of myself like a little kid throwing a tantrum when I dont get what I want and kicking and screaming because I wanted to have it my way.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to react to the responsibilities I have within my life as a choir and as something that is a drag everyday where I would be rather having an enjoyable time and not have so much stuff to do. I see and realize that within myself I am walking at a reasonable pace, I allow myself to fall behind due to laziness and procrastination so I see and realize that this is not due to any fault of being over loading me, but that I am not managing my time well and stalling when I could be walking effectively through pushing through all resistances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to go into blame towards others in my world due to the belief that they are the cause to whatever it is that I am reacting to at the moment, and thus going into ego as mind to relieve energy that has been built up of frustration and irritation by myself for not being able to be relaxed and have an easy time during my day. I see and realize that within this I am in complete abdication within my responsibility to myself and all life to walk diligence and specificity to thus be able to get all my tasks done and use the tools available to me like budging time and others to help with the work load so that I can get all done and all is well.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into thoughts of blame towards others because I do not want to face myself and the obviousness that I am being lazy and procrastinating because I do not want to push myself thru the resistances which is not an easy thing but well worth it and get the work done that has to be done to keep myself going and life flowing. I realize and see that within this point of blame towards another it gives me a momentary way out of facing myself but this will always come back around where I will go into the same behaviors that created this outflow in the first place and lose the opportunity to change by stopping these patterns of laziness and procrastination and directing myself effectively to be effective and get my tasks done as I know I am capable to get done.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting laziness and procrastination to direct me within and as my world when I face resistances to get the manual labor done or get projects done that take effort, and thus go into these mind energies that sabotage my opportunity to change and expand within my living here. I see and realize that allowing these mind energies of procrastinating and laziness only limits me and diminishes me as this is what I am existing as limitation and self diminishment as I am not expanding myself be retracting into myself. I understand and see that I am more then my mind resistances and limitations and thus I push myself to walk through all resistances and mind reactions to thus walk in stability and do whatever it is that needs to be done to get life here one and equal as myself. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to react in resentfulness towards other I am blaming due to my desire to take out my anger, irritation, and anxious energies on to others so I don't have to face them and deal with the responsibilities that I have abdicated to know because its has accumulated to such an extent I can't blame any longer as it's obvious the issue is me. I realize and see that resentfulness is a form of spitefulness due to my own lack of self movement and consideration for others and just abusing others because I will not control myself and face myself within what I have created and change to correct this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to abdicate myself responsibility to life here and abuse it to gain my own self high through energy build up and release and accepting myself to be spiteful and abusive towards others that are innocent within these situations because I do not want to face myself and push myself, sabotaging myself to live among others in peace and create myself as life here. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to spite life and really I see spiting myself within blaming and resentfulness as I am abdicating my chance to really live as I will not give this to another, but abuse and hurt others because I accept and allow energy to direct me as I have accepted my ego as polarity to play out in my world. I realize and see that allowing energies as mind to direct me through existing within polarity play outs of happy times/hard times, I am creating myself into a vacuum of cycles that only cause abuse to others as I act on this without any self direction and I then diminis myself as I separate myself from life.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Self Correction:

When and as I go into points of laziness and procrastination, I breath and push through the task I am doing to thus show to myself I don't limit myself nor bound to the energies of the mind. I stop these energies as resistances from directing me and thus I realize I will stop the blame and resentfulness towards others in my world as an outflow of this procrastination and laziness behavior. When and as I stop accepting myself to live into resistances I will build my self will and self trust and thus be able to walk through all my responsibilities and manage my time effective to be the most effective being I can be. Here I breath and allow these energies to pass as I stop myself from reacting and direct myself in oneness and equality with all life as me in what ever comes my way, I stand and walk in common sense for what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop blame and resentfulness towards others in my life as I will take responsibility for myself, and push myself to become effective in my living and do what I can do to help bring equality here.

I commit myself to push through all resistances as they arise always within the direction and discipline of my own self equality and oneness with life as I see and realize what is real is who I am as a living being walking and breathing with and as the equality and oneness of all life.

I commit myself to always consider the other within any point that comes up as blame or resentfulness as I stop these points of self abdication onto another, and I walk the re-alignment with myself with all life to thus be able to solve issues in stability and self responsibility rather then go into the mind and create separation unnecessarily as I realize and see all here is me. 

blaming, resentful, tantrum, life's a drag, lazy people, blame game, labor, mind, energies, reactions, desteni, journey to life, 2012