Day 20 - Spitefulness - Wanting to be a portal/special

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Here i had a significant and greatly impactful moment where i was told that i was going to be a portal, I understand now that this was a test by life to see who i would be, for so long i believed my self to be good, to be righteous, to have integrity, to be brave, to be courageous, to be special, everything that makes someone feel wholesome and good about oneself. But as reality and the physical world/life dictates, the proof is in the living, the existing, the creating in each moment. I did not realize nor see at the time the significance of a thought and the accumulation power of thinking because in the moment it seems so light, it seems harmless, the small thoughts of 'it would be so cool to have access to the afterlife like the portal does', 'it would be so awesome if i was seen being like the portal/jesus/bernard', it would be so wonderful if i could give to this world solutions and be part of the solution in a grand and big way, in the background desiring this, wanting it, thinking more and more on these types of thoughts where eventually life said ok who are you? I fall. 

Where eventually these thoughts become real, the points manifest where i become obsessed about portal/afterlife and understanding this for myself, where the line of doing what is best for all and getting my wants/needs/desire met are blurred in a most serious way as totting the line with life and the impacts that has been set forth by those that stand the test of time and stand for life through. No judgment of self or another i realize as well all face this and fall, thought the falling causes consequences and is harmful if not fufilling living in the shoes of another and doing what is best for all. This beliefs and ideas of such a big impact having an effect on me greatly where no longer was clear about what was manifesting, losing track of myself within the actual practical tools/support for myself and this happened swiftly without much notice until it was in my face, and where i could no longer contain it, and so my fall manifested physically. Innocence lost, in this while the desires are being chased and yearned for, wanting so much something 'positive' to come out of this, it goes the opposite and the suffering grows. And this is all that occurs when in a fall and not being self honest/getting stable because i no longer am able to create myself as life, one and equal. I am creating from a point of chaos, separate from my reality losing my integrity and sense of self pride in the process. And i ask myself do i have to fall and crash and suffer a lot myself to realize that this was never the point, it is not about self being anything, its about all life, its about being here no matter what and doing what is best for all, its about all and everything and taking self responsibility for it all and finding solutions. The point was never about being something, or becoming something, but being here, breathing, and self living in what is best for all practically so all can live. 

I could cry a million tears, i could scream at the top of my lungs forever, i could rip my body into shreds, these are the feelings and emotions that have come through in realizing the stupidity and abomination of such thoughts and actions lived when I don't do what is best for all and in reality create impact as trauma and group trauma. I look and bring into myself the living purity i can access at times within others and thus within myself, and it pains me that i am no longer equal and one to this, though i am. The grace of life is that it is pure, it never ends, it is always here a a foundation for all. When self harm it will cause you to go to the brink of insanity as the separation of self as an acceptance and allowance as the thoughts indicate and will prove will become real for self. But each one is different, each one face their own cross to bear, and each one must walk the process of self forgiveness and living change to see this world of suffering change, i realized its not about me, its about everyone and there is much more responsibility then i think. It's just that simple, no excuses, i do want to make many, i want to get out of this, i want to be free, but realize i have a responsibility to myself and all life to make it happen, i am the solution, i am the cure. 

There is no forgiveness but self forgiveness, so i have to continue forward, i have to forgive myself, i have to find the innocence that is here, but this has to be proven through living action, that i actually care, that i actually understand the magnitude of shit i as all life is facing, there is solutions, they are in supporting self with self forgiveness and being self honest. Its a process and its best if done through writing/self investigation and forgiveness of self, i found this is the only way to get through, prove to self as life that self care, be self honest, and never give up until its done. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a form of self righteousness where i thought that i was practically equal to the portal as the walk and scope of processing that took place from the being that actually proved and lived it, Bernard and Sunette.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of judgment cause i desired this seeing myself as a loser, low, inferior, and in a state of being pathetic as i want something that is only actually real if lived and proven/expressed as an actual expression of self with evidence in the physical that'll be undeniable and testable and will stand. And i see, realize, and understand that the fact that i desire this and create reactions toward others, i am not this as this is not life/expression of life as a true representation as what the portal proved and lived along with Bernard.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in my inferiority become spiteful that i can not be a portal, i can not be special as in have a significant point of support in the mission of bringing solutions to this world, and in this missing myself as the solution as life here in the physical.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful within the desire to be special, and in this allow and accept jealousy onto the portal and those who have special access believing that this would be so enjoyable and fascinating to have access to, not seeing, and being self honest of the fact of the responsibility that goes with such power, and the magnitude of difficult situations faced without a real clue of what taking on the mind and standing through it all is all about at this time when it has been proven and tested through time.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i had a great mission this life, and so following points and people rather then trust my inner guidance and self movement in self trust due to not trusting myself not being self honest that then i am not this point of solution but still needing to process myself and prove that i am real/life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry toward the portal when they no longer aligned with my thoughts as walking a specific mission of me being a special being on this mission to bring a new way of living into this reality instead of seeing realizing and understanding i was actually the one creating this in my own mind, and the disconnect as my reality in conflict was showing me to myself my own self delusion and self dishonesty. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame the portal for the experience of shame and regret i went through when i finally came to and realized i was not walking what was best for all but creating more consequence in my head and self and world within the belief that i was being directed by them, when all the while i was being direct by my own mind, my own illusions, my own demons as the beliefs and ideas that i was creating the path to being a portal and one day being able to bring this way of living to others. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be special and not stand in to eternity as life and see it through in self forgiveness and living change but letting go of specialness and in humbleness doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to bring a new way into the world that is special to me making the solution to the world about me rather then actually bringing a solution to the world that will bring about a world that is best that i can see is in dire need of it as so many suffering in silence and needlessness but for greed and selfishness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become selfish and rotten within where i seek out my own self satisfaction as pleasure within the thoughts of being grandeur or self pleasure indulging in the nectars and sweetness to a point of drunkenness of this earth and so become intoxicated with the spirit of greed, emotion, and harm where not only i suffer but everyone does to some degree or another because i am the other and i am harming myself, but all as one and equal we have to endure this until the solution for real as self is put in place where the weakness will in henrit the earth and much pain will come.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be in such a state of disrespect for life and disgrace of myself when i see, realize, and understand life as a gift was given unconditionally and without want and i destroy it without care until its too much. 

I commit myself to stop the disrespect and disgrace of myself so i can in time stand and give this respect and grace to life as those who are here, not wanting  or have need but give and so i can then receive.

I commit myself to stop all and any thought within and as my physical and breathe, let go, and move into the simple of life, the day to day, moment to moment, allowing the forgiveness of self to be lived out so self change can be en-joyed and thus bring this peace to others as i have done for myself first.

I commit myself to stop all self indulgences in all it's forms and realize selfishness causes harm, and this is deliberate, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberate in my desires to be special and harm this reality with my greed where babies die and mothers cry.

I commit myself to end my self ego and separation through breath by breath stopping myself as the thoughts that say i can't do it, i am doomed, i have no worth.

I commit myself to in these moments see my worth, see the worth of all life as i realize all in some way or another are innocent and going through this hell, but i see, realize, and understand it must be done until all this stop as suffering as this is not life.

I commit myself to set daily goals to wake up in a point of purpose where i get moving and stop the thinking of harm and dread, moving into self change and physical movement to ensure that i am remaining focused on what is here.

I commit myself to practice the 4 count breath, and keep at it until it flows naturally.

I commit myself to stop anger and blame towards others and take self responsibility for my actions by changing my behavior to be better.

I commit myself to stop comparison and so stop jealousy, accepting myself for who i am and what my potential is and so accepting others as they are living as the solution letting go of needing it from others.

I commit myself to stop following others and live my self trust, checking within before i speak and act. 

I commit myself to stop desires and self indulgences and become more creative to fill up my time with art, reading, or being active.

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Day 19 - Spitefulness - Wanting things for free

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I had a significant moment in my process, actually two, where i got something for free and i desired to keep getting that point for free due to the logic that i deserve it because ..... there is not much within the looking at my reason to why i deserve something for free when in fact it cost money to produce, money equal time, labor, blood, sweat, and agony at times for others. SO why should i get something for free when others have to spend time/energy/resources essentially themselves to produce it, input in and input out, so there is a balance that must occur within all points of the physical. When self/some/all take and take and do not give back, there becomes an imbalance and in imbalance there is suffering, what is best is best within a point of equality and the oneness that we are all the same, from the same source, life that which creates what is here. 

So as been said we are creating as we are life, and thus we produce, but what i have been allowing and accepting is the spite, the spite of my mind consciousness desiring more and to have it 'easier' as i don't have to give my time/effort to earn that money to get that product, i can get it for 'free'! But as i have discussed it never is really for free, there is always a price that is paid, one that either supports life or harms it. Each have a consequence and only one supports self in one's and everyone's best potential. Why would self not want to support all life in a way that end suffering? I can't understand at times how i allow such obvious and deliberate spite and abuse, where i make such dumb and quick decisions due to being addicted to the experience, the rush of energy, the thrill, but again not considering the consequence. 

This decision in spite, the one i made a long time ago, where i wanted something for free, it cost me a lot as i look back in that moment of seeking the mind/spite, and so i did not buy it which would have help many people/families/children, but due to spite i did not buy it cause i didn't get it for free. Missing an opportunity to live a prosperous and fruitful life for myself and many others that i could see, but what did i decide, what came first, my desires, my wants, my experience, my mind, my mine, my precious, my money, and so what did i miss, life, the physical, the others building and creating WITH me, myself as an equal as life, and i understand this is not the way i would like to live. 

I forgive myself for the misstep i took back in that time, not considering the actual physical that goes into creating life, many parts and many points of physical labor and movement, and when done in a willingness of what is best for all, magic happens/life in its limitless forms is birthed, the best we have to offer, but i understand i must forgive myself for my past/harms and rebirth and breathe and live what is best when i come to this point again in my journey. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have things for free in a spiteful way where i understand it's to only benefit my own pocket and have more then what is actually my equal share as a point of exchange one a product the other the ability to prosper with money. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to move into a point of spitefulness accepting and allowing harm unto another deliberately with the belief that i deserve it, i am saying then i am superior to that other, i am special, when i see, realize, and understand that is an idea do not physical fact as we all are actually here creating as our physical labor in our own capacity and expression, and thus we all deserve life as what is best in equal exchange where all benefit.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as an equal but in separation as specialness and superiority, showing i am not this as i am not standing in what is actual fact that we are all here, all have our own unique expression that is part of what makes us life as the limitless expressions that exist, and that we all require and need what is giving us at this time the ability to live, equal exchange for our services as the ability to live which is at this time money.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as a way to get out of doing what is best for all, I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify harming another through the mind as beliefs as i deserve it and i am thus more special then the other cause i am more experienced or given it freely in the past, when i see realize and understand that circumstances change and what is real here is what matters, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the past and define myself by the past as knowledge instead of understanding the principles of what i am living as doing what is best for all and supporting all as i would like to be supported. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in the society of living beings where all are equally exchange in a way of what is best for all, freedom will emerge as a natural outflow of a world that is best for all life, where suffering ends, and life is in balance and thus freedom will be a living expression the way in which it was meant to be lived.

I commit myself to stop the ideas and beliefs i deserve something that not considers all life one and equal.

I commit myself to not stop and let go of my ego as desires to get something for free so i don't have to work as hard, when i see realize and understand this is harmful and is a miscalculation of the physical reality and what is best for all life.

I commit myself to stand in the shoes of the other and do my best to stand the principle of balance giving as i'd like to receive. 

I commit myself to walk the path of not giving up on myself and all until an equality system in what is best for all is here as the physical reality and freedom is lived as an expression of myself. 

I commit myself to understand that life is not free but is at a cost, where it is being expressed within a physical action of others as me equal and one and the balance of equality in what is best has to be given back, as i'd like if i was in there shoes. 

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Anger towards parents Sf - Day 18

 Anger towards my parents 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at my parents for having me and in this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for the decisions i have made in my life causing me to have hardship and failure, relieving stress and pain through blame and anger as energy releases through this blame and anger, but i see, realize, and understand it does not stop the anger/blame and thus conflict, but only perpetuates it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately blame and become angry at my parents because they brought me in this world and so in this i become spiteful toward them because i myself do not want to take responsibility for the messes in my life i have created and so say things like 'i wish you did not have me' to my parents where i want them to suffer as i believe i have for them bringing me into this world. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame and so abdicate my responsibility for the choices and decisions i made to get me into a point of pain where i myself see, realize, and understand brought me to this point, and that i can not blame others outside myself as i understand i am the one walking my own life, i am the one making the decisions and have the self power to do what is self honest in the moment or not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to praise my parents when it suits me to where i feel empowered based on ego desires that are giving me a sense of accomplishment or pride based on family/parent accomplishments, where in a  desire to be seen in a positive light and o see my parents/family in a positive light as this makes me feel worthy/important and thus i receive the energy of goodness without having to actually create it as myself where i actually live in a way that is worthy of life and prideful in myself for walking the self honest path that is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in this anger and blame move into hate where i grow a form of hatred toward my parents for not securing my path in this world and guaranteeing success, when i see, realize, and understand practically my parents did the best they could with what they had and what they new of in the space and time they were in.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see my parents as the reason for my flaws/failures instead of taking responsibility for these failures/flaws and working with changing them, processing them in practical self change to make them become stronger as this is practically what can be done with what is here and that my parents are not able to change anything for me, i realize, see, and understand i can only change these points of weaknesses myself. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents for their flaws/failures and see them as less then others/me based on these points, and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents where i see them as the root of my failure as i came from them instead of recognize the gift i was given in this life as life and what they did to keep me alive, and secure to have a life and have the ability to walk my process and opportunity to create here.

When and as i see myself going into the desire to think thought patterns about how i am disturbed by my parents, i stop and breath, and go into humbleness and gratefulness for them doing their best with what they had and giving me what they could for me to have a secure platform to live my life from and create with opportunity. I commit myself to stop going into thoughts about my parents, breathe, and live the word self responsibility and self movement where i start moving myself physically to make my flaws such as addictions into self discipline and become stronger in these.

I commit myself to stop judging my parents and stand in their shoes to see where they are at, and support them to be there best self as how i would like if i was in their shoes, i commit myself to see my parents as equals, and walk in oneness as i correct myself first and stop abdicating my responsibility to energy and the mind. I commit myself to live the word humbleness as i see i am also flawed and have weaknesses like all, and so i am an equal as i also am not perfect, thus i work with my own self perfection as one and equal as all life. 

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Day 17 - Illusion is Self

I have for many years not realized the power of illusion, this is not as i write a justification for accepting and allowing myself to be in an illusion, it's more understanding it now from a perspective where I have actually lived many out and realized after the fact of consequences playing out that I did not necessarily want to create, but due to the illusion i was in, I created it. An illusion is something that is seemingly real, but is not. Reality being that which exist and is consistent over time and testing, becomes fact or truth. 

Definitions:

• Illusion: An appearance or perception that is not aligned with objective reality. It is often shaped by misinterpretations, assumptions, or desires, leading to a distorted or imagined understanding of the world. Illusions can arise from internal factors (e.g., beliefs, emotions) or external stimuli that are misleading.

• Reality: The state of things as they objectively exist, independent of perception or interpretation. Reality is governed by facts, physical laws, and truths that are consistent regardless of individual viewpoints.

So for me, I was so embedded in the mind consciousness system which operates from the thinking processes, beliefs, emotions and feelings, I did not consider the reality of what it is I was participating in and creating. This is what i have created as a point of deception within everything that I have accepted myself to be, illusion - something not real, based on self desires/percpetions/thinking, and in this not aligned with actual reality, what is in fact real and going in, this is a big problem cause i am a creator in this reality, I am creating what is here. This is not a judgment or an exaggeration, but for me a realization and fact to be true, everything in an illusion is being created in the physical and becuase it's not based on reality, one is creating fuckedness, not best for all, where many suffer to great extents. This i also found is done in selfishness and also lack of awareness, not fully understanding, but there is a point of innocence and also self honesty when it's being used as an escape and excuse. 

I was not always able to see at times the obvious reality of what i was participating in, but often through the addiction i snap out of it and realize of shit, I am in reality and this is not what is actually happening, this illusion is a fake. In the illusion, thoughts come such as 'oh, it's not that bad', 'i am not harming anyone, it's just for a moment to feel good' (red flag!), 'everyone is doing it', 'i have no effect' and the thoughts continue. They don't start off intense or intrusive, but as i participate in such thoughts, it grows and expands, and the mind consciousness system multiplies within self is a being and alive and aware, and thus is expanding itself for survival, just as we as humans are doing, trying to survive and in this cope. 

Coping is not living, so the point of illusion is an important point to take notice of I have found, where is it that one is allowing the points of thinking, building on stories in one's mind, and not cross-referencing it, not investigating it due to justification (also part of self as mind consciousness), justifications of 'this is what i am seeing as best', 'this is how it is', 'this person said it was ok', but these are thoughts one is thinking, not cross-referencing it in reality if it is actually true and best for all life. I found I was abdicating responsibility, which i do like spreading butter, so easily, it comes so naturally, but the implications and consequences of this sort of illusionary living in my individual realities and realities as a whole is dire. 

We see these dire circumstances in our realities where most of the world is living in undignified living conditions, every 5 minutes a child is raped, animals are being slaughtered and abused extensively to extinction, I mean, the understanding for myself that I am actually directly responsible and participating in such atrocities that no being ever would like to live in nor create, is unfathomable, but true, self is part of this creation. This is a daunting task to realize as it requires self will to keep moving forward after the realization of such pain and horror being inflicted on life beings equal and one to myself, and the only difference between us in this world is that i have money to secure my point in this world, where many don't. 

An @equalmoneysystem will end such abuse overnight, this based on reality, not illusion, what is needed and what is best for all through the currents and medium as money in this world, money being our god, but doesn't have to be, it can be a vehicle for life, where all life is cared for and equalized for love to be lived for real and for all. So I am not blaming or pointing fingers, but making a note on the reality of what i within myself have been facing these last few years specifically and the reality of what we are seeing in our world, not peace, not love for all, and not safety for all, where it's getting more uncertain, dire, and intense for so many. 

Identifying and using self forgiveness to release the illusion and come to the senses of what is best for all life is a step forward in ending the suffering for life, and birthing through self as individuals each walk their point to a 'new' world where life is available for all and exemplifies within all's living, a great world for all and one i would enjoy equally. 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be blinded by my desire to stay in an illusion because it is easier for the moment then facing the reality of myself as what i have created as fucked up circumstances through my direct participation in this world and the equal and one connection to the all on this earth by my thoughts, words, and actions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek my own self satisfaction in my world as my self when i see, realize, and understand in great degree that what i was participating in was not best and thus in that accepting and allowing the suffering and ills of this world to proliferate.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish in the face of suffering in this world and reality by going into my illusions as fantasies and not considering the reality i was missing right here cause i was not able to see, blinded by the light/love of my desires fulfilled in the illusion i was playing within in my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape my life and circumstances within illusion instead of working with the moment and standing up within the moment, taking self responsibility, and stopping, using self forgiveness and living change so life can emerge within and as this world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall time and time again to fear as illusion where i see that i am actually resisting facing myself and the points of self deception i myself have participated in and allowed to continue.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe illusion is too hard to stop, when i see, realize, and understand its within working with common sense and what is factually happening in this reality through time and testing to see if it stands stable.

I commit myself to stop illusions by investigating them as they come up in sound or writing with self forgiveness and finding the reality based solutions that can be implemented in my reality to help build my life in truth and fact rather then lies and falseness as the illusions i am making up.

I commit myself to stop using illusion as thinking to define my world, and work with simple math and what is here in the moment as breath, working moment to moment in common sense and what factually will build a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to stop self interest introspection and push my self to look at what is best for all as life one and equal and live this in the moments that illusion wants to pop up and direct me. 

Illusion is a distraction that is deadly and cause much suffering, self does not need illusions to live, the mind does. Self is the mind and also self is the illusion, self is also the solution always, I am working to be more reality based here in the moment as breath and do what is best for all life as best i can assess through my own illusions and working with the life tools, breathe, self forgiveness, and self change, stopping fear to be here and do what is best for all. 

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Day 16 - Commitment Phobia

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I realized recently that one of my major self sabotage point has been fearing commitments, whenever I get into a commitment with someone or something I do not last long, I get to a point where i put myself in a dire decision, and in the extreme nature of the decision that i have to make - go left or go right, I find i have been doing it in haste, in fear, within my mind, causing lots of regret later on in life and shame, and more fear. I am in a way feel delinquent in making a decision that is practical and can be best for all, so more a self judgment of not being good enough or capable, This I am seeing based on the manner in which i make decisions, where i can do it in the moment, spontaneous, but it is not my real spontaneous decision as everything in this reality is preprogrammed not for what is best but for enslavement. 

The moments one is real to direct self is when one self investigate, walk self honesty and self forgiveness, commit to living change of self that is of living substance that supports life growth, and in this walk what is best for all as in living the commitment of change for oneself until it's done. The decision being one that was self investigated in self honesyt, self forgiven to understand the flaws, and researched and understood in the fact checking, pros and cons, and living the understanding that is best. 

So it's a point of self change and self discipline, principled standing within the physical actions it takes to actually walk such a deep dive into self and a decision for instance that has to be made. This will require dedication and perseverance cause the mind/reality is not easy, it takes a point of grit but it's here as self responsibility and must be done. 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear i am gong to make the wrong decision, i see, realize, and understand there is no wrong decision and what is here is what one create as ones thoughts, words, and deeds, thus i see, and I commit to standing in my shoes and all others and creating a decision for myself that is best for all the best i can understand by living the process to understand all facets and facts of the decision I am about to make. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a form of self harm where i feel as if i do not have the ability or understanding to make a decision in my life that is best for all and will support life in it's fullest expression based on carrying my past here and seeing on all the rotten decisions i have made in specific moments in my life. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and not forgive myself fully for the past mistakes as actions done in the physical where i did not chose a path of best for all living, and in this create a point of self abuse and harm to see myself less then others and inferior and i can never stand as an equal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not equal and a lesser version of life who doesn't have any real worth and doesn't really need to exist/be here cause i will just continue to make the wrong decision and harm abuse life/myself. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the decisions made where based on not slowing down and walking the timelines within self investigation and self commitment to understand the ins and outs and fine tune the information so i can gather the facts and make an informed decision, but based on impatience i move in a way of self compromise which causes my life to be compromised and chaotic as it's not stable nor predictable but done in the moment. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decide that i am going to live impatience and not actually walk the step by step it takes which creates my life to be stable, but continue this, which is self abdication of responsibility to make a decision in a patient manner best one can as this is best for all and common sense.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed laziness within decision making where i don't slow down, but rush cause i allow the energy of it's too much pressure, it's too much to understand, i don't know, and the energy built up of these thoughts as pressure and tightness in my chest and into my head, where i feel like i have to just do it, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that i can breathe through the energy, releasing it, and finding the solutions within the slowing down and self investigation, writing/sounding self forgiveness, and change. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy and complacent in my responsibility to be my highest potential this life, and in this expect too much and so built up energy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become robotic and just have my mind blurt out the decision in the moment and live with the consequences of the chaos that'll ensue as i did not walk the self responsibility to under-stand what it is i am deciding on and will direct my life with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into the mind in the hast decisions and so not care in the outcome but me getting a fix of energy as a release of the pressure i allowed within the thinking thoughts, and in desire relaxing instead of walking the decision properly.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire a release rather then breathing through the energy and walking self forgiveness until i release the energy and direct it myself back to the earth, substance, my physical.

I see, realize, and understand i am responsible for myself and my actions and decisions.

I commit myself to as best i am able to take some time and space to write out a decision i am going to make, research ways to walk such a decision, and put it into writing and myself into it where i find the facts, and make an informed decision best i am able to when and as the moments arise and come up to do such a point.

I commit myself to stop judging myself for not living the best decision that i could have made. 

I commit myself to live the word patience which is to pay attention to my life and the life of all involved, and what is in fact best for all.

I commit myself to understand what is best for all within the actions and decisions i make and ultimately what is best for all life and will birth life within who i am as my life which will support in my outer life/world as well. 

Next blog on - relationship commitment fears.

www.desteni.org
www.equalmoney.org
www.creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com

Self Help course to start the journey to life:
lite.desteniiprocess.com


Best for all life until it's done.

Day 15 - Self Harm as self abuse

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From since I can remember I have always had a point of seeing myself inferior to others specifically that i am not able to handle myself well with other people, I can never to me in my mind get to a point where i can actually just be stable, be humble, be here, though this a form of an idea/belief, equaling not real, cause i see i can breathe, i can be humble, i can be here in the here moment of myself, i can be present, I can stop my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, so it is possible. I am in a point of again walking through resistances of, its the living of it, so when i don't walk the points of self support through walking through the resistance, walking the self forgiveness, and changing myself, this creates self judgment and in this self abuse where i believe and start to spiral into self defeat. 

This just causing more consequence, so it's in a way useless and harmful to all as self as it just takes longer to get through what is here as self's process of self change to align with what is best for all. We all will walk this process, its a matter of the process each one individually will go through based on one's self honesty and sticking to the life principles in one's living, which is common sense. Obviously the longer one takes, the more harm, and in this all have to wait and this creates more pain. Why? I ask myself this a lot, why am i doing this? why can't i stop here now? why can't i see the solutions when it's so obvious? what cause me to fall so much and so often? And I keep moving back to the basics, the application and self will, the more one stick to the basics and continue to change and do what is best for all, the stronger and so stable one will become in the face of what is here and what needs to be walked by self, and in this this is best for all, suffering ends/pain is released.

This is  a test this earth, and life is here, the innocence that exist within and as everything, it's here, yet also is our cross to bear and face our maker which is ourselves, not a pretty sight for myself but there is no point in getting emotional about it, best is to self forgive and keep walking the change that is best for all life. 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for mistakes and failures in my process where i have deliberately abused life and gone into reaction as anger where i did not consider the outflow of my actions and thus created myself in a de-maned state where life as myself and those around me became of pain and suffering and in this i take responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the ills of life where i accept myself to go into nonsense where my life becomes about possessions and falling and failing instead of stopping this and letting go of the addictions to energy highs as if this is what life is.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for falling and failing in addictions in my life when i was to stop and stand, causing consequences i could not for see and were of harm to life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am weak as an emotional point of inferiority, instead of seeing that weakness in the body as physical is real, though it can always be adjusted and aligned based on what is practical for life and one's environment. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for the harm i have cause by not stopping when i was able to and thus avoid consequences that are were more then i could foresee and thus cause more consequence and harm then was necessary.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself in contempt in the past and not truly forgive myself and let go, and thus never allow and accept such consequences ever again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the reach of harm that my actions specifically have caused to life in many and all forms through the self interest and deception that my actions participated in and as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for my judgment on myself for causing life as innocence to be corrupted and enslaved due to self interest and addictions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being addicted to energy and wanting to harm myself for such abuse that i can see and understand that is going on in this world where the innocence of life is harmed and corrupted because of my ignorance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become ignorant within and as my life and the life that is here, and not care about what was happening but be narrow minded on what i desired and what i believed and thus didn't do the proper self investigation within self honesty and thus allowed innocence to fall as i allowed myself to fall. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall and the innocence of life to fall because i believe i am weak and inferior and thus allowed myself to live this out, where it's i understand and realize not about being strong or weak, but standing in principle and having no morality within the point of doing what is best for all life where life is understood in the degree where no harm is ever allowed and it stops as i stop myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not stopping. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to betray others within my world where i judged them based on ideas and thoughts and in this lost my integrity and innocence within this life as i allowed myself to become de-monic and harmful through addictions and not being self honest. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for betraying myself and life within my actions of addiction and being self dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire the addiction of the energy i was generating and in this become possessed by it through ideas of love and caring when in reality it was about my addictions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who were involved instead of letting go of the judgment, stand in the shoes, and realize i am part of that and thus i must forgive myself for these points and direct it in a way that is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as superior and part of something more, when in reality, again it was a desire and hope. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be special and more then, and so i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire a hope that things would be better. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in hope.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to follow hope. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires.

I see, realize, and understand hope and desires are part of the mind as separation, when life is here as myself and the actions for a better world is within the actions day to day as my self change and walking into the system and changing it in a way that is best for all through changing myself in the moments and living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others, i see, realize, and understand blaming anyone for my reactions within me is harmful and creates more separation and abuse. 

I commit myself to let go of judgment of myself, leave it in the past, and stand up in myself each moment breathe by breathe, forgiving myself for my reactions, and changing myself in my physical day to day by being self disciplined and doing what is best for all in the moment.

I commit myself to stop my self abuse by stopping all addictions, by actually living the change and stopping and so prove it in reality by specific action plans and testing myself such as being in a room of sweets and not indulging.

I commit myself to stop all blame and take responsibility for myself, direct where and how i can to support a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to be gentle and humble with myself even with the mistakes and falls and failures, so i can continue to correct myself and do what is best for all. 

I commit myself to stop my ignorance and embrace all as myself as self acceptance as i am all that is here, i am the system and thus i accept this and so i can change it by not reacting, i forgive myself when i react and reestablish my stand in what is best for all life. 

I commit myself to never betray others or myself, and stand in vulnerability and self honesty to never again allow the enslavement of life as myself and for this to be done enough is enough.

I commit myself to never give up on myself or what is best for all life until it's here for all as self.

I commit myself to restore my innocence through self forgiveness and self change in living what is best for all and thus i can stand one day in humbleness in the innocence of what is here as life.

www.desteni.org
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www.creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com

Self Help course to start the journey to life:
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Best for all life until it's done.

Day 14 - Hate and Blame as Anger Manifest

 

I have been dealing with suppressed emotions, the emotions that I don't necessarily want to look at or face/confront as they are shameful and uncomfortable, but they are here and they are starting to accumulate in my most recent point i am facing with these points, and this has been in relation to my parents. I am seeing that all the points within me that I have regretted or fell in, I am subtly blaming them for as I am seeing that it is a way for me to release the built up energy as I have been accepting thoughts of them so I don't have to face myself and so change cause of addiction, addiction to energy, laziness, and not pushing beyond limitations. I see and am aware of within myself though that in fact mechanically I am generate the energy of blame and anger within me by thinking and accepting the thoughts of blame/anger toward my parents in this instance and not stopping, breathing, and forgiving myself. 

So it's not actually really who self is or the function of life here, thinking/generating emotions and feelings, and reacting to others, it's limitation as it's illusion, it's a machine within us as us and all around, I am powering as myself within myself with outflows as energy creations from the thinking and so the body creates the energy as a by product causing abuse and self abuse and lots of suffering which is the horror for real. This is happening, i understand to a degree the process, but it seems like it can't be stopped, this another thought cause i can stop it and i have, it takes self discipline and self will/honesty and many others support points. The 'I can't' is a red flag to question as it also is blame and an excuse, why? because I am seeing in this self is unwilling to do the actual will and effort it takes to stop, so it's a matter again of discipline and self fortitude, I was also looking at how life could easily do this with me, blame and become angry at me as i do with others, yet it doesn't as that is not the principles and directive of life itself, it is here and walks the alignment with what is best for all as best for self. This is in the innocence of what is here as life, who we really are beyond harm/abuse/suffering.

I also see I am fearing and trying to avoid my consequence i can see, the facing of my reality where i can't blame anyone or anything as i walked the walk that i am standing within and also i see that again i am taking it to the worst case scenario, so here i see the solution, to walk out of these alignment points, walk out of the points of what i am working and creating in my reality with self acceptance and acceptance of what is here. Separating myself from what is here is the first point of self illusion, and in this once self accept what is here, work with directing it into a solution that is best for all. 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think thoughts such as 'she is the reason i am so dumb, she doesn't do anything to help herself' 'he doesn't care about anything but work, he didn't take care of me properly' 'she is a robot that just wants to be lazy' 'he is a so nasty, i inherited this hate and anger for others because of him'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed thoughts of rage anger and spite and hate onto others within myself because i am in pain due to failing to walk my consequence of my actions to a satisfactory degree and in this blame others because i don't want to face the pain and shame of what i have done which is not walked the path of self honesty in the moments where i was given direct and opportunity to walk it. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in the opposite polarity with the beings that i am thinking and reacting to in negative emotions (in this instance) such as blame and hate, to when they support me and my life works out and things are good, see that i am in a positive stand seeing them as great and lovely beings due to the energy addiction i am seesawing in my mind within the ever flowing ride of the mind and the polarities that exist. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think about and allow the thoughts and in this react in the physical toward one of these beings in anger, shouting and telling her to not do something for me when she was giving me something she thought i would want/need. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take out my anger onto others and in this create a demonic disposition within me where i am not standing in self acceptance of what is here, and in this direct in the principles of patience, self honesty, and what is best for all life. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get angry within myself at others when i see its actually self anger for not standing in a way that is of life and giving into temptation as addictions and mind energy as good feelings/experiences.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all i can do is exist in this energy, when in reality, it will dissipate through breathe and i can direct myself through self forgiveness in the moment and so stop perpetuating the outflow of harm and separation that is flowed out when i live into the thoughts and act them out.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe the pressure that builds up through accepting and allowing thoughts and living into the energy creation is who i am, when in reality it is not, i realize i am of substance as life and that the mind is a separate entity taking but not giving back and thus I see when i live into this i am taking of life and not giving back.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the thoughts i have accepted and live out as anger toward others in my world and reality as reaction when this is unacceptable as i am creating the actual reaction within me and i am the one allowing it to be lived out as i am generating the energy as i think and accept it as real by speaking and living it out as yelling/being harsh to the other.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become harsh and hateful toward others due to my own self dishonesty and lack of self will to live what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my reality wanting to make it about others, when i see, realize, and understand it is actually about self here as life here as myself and what i am going to do with what i see and what i create as what is here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts as lies that i am accepting and allowing about the others when in reality i am creating and accepting these thoughts without at all standing and physically being able to be/understand from the others perspective and thus it is not logical nor factual with how the thoughts originate from as mind distortion based on memories/pictures/ideas/beliefs, all here say/lies and not fact as reality as reality is one and equal as life in what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and not faced the fear of shame and self humiliation i may experience when i go deeper into the pains and misstakes i have made in my past and in this accept them, forgive them, correct them, and change to live in a way that is best for all. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to instant gratification instead of standing in gratitude for life here and the breathes i am giving in this time to be able to engage in my process of self change to life so i can support myself and my reality in a way that works and will help build a way where life can come through and find the will to live, as i walk this in my day to day.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe through the points of life here, but stand in a way that is best through forgiving the thoughts, deleting them, breathing through the energy, and standing strong until it's done and the energy release here. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself or others as dumb and smart, i see, realize, and understand that learning is a part of self creation as expression and is done within breath as a unique process of self realization in the moment here, and thus it's not a separate point to judge react to but part of self creation here as life as self. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed judgment of any being instead of realizing the others is me and i must forgive my reaction/judgment and correct and direct life as myself in a way that allows all to express freely without causing any harm.

I commit myself to let go of the thoughts in the moment with breathe and not allow myself to react.

I commit myself to write out the memories or speak self forgiveness on the memories that i am still reacting to to release them and stop the harm/abuse in my reality to others and myself.

I commit myself to live gentleness and self acceptance as i move through the pain of the falls/misstakes and walk the commitments to change myself and not allow this again.

I commit myself stop blaming others and see that i am one and equal to them as i am them as we are of the same substance and direct myself and so eventually i can direct reality to be best for all.

I commit myself to live in gratitude for life and this physical reality that gives me opportunity to be here and continue to have the opportunity to create myself in a way that is best for all. 

www.desteni.org
www.equalmoney.org
www.creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com


Self Help course to start the journey to life:
lite.desteniiprocess.com


Best for all life until it's done.