Perfect Others While I Stand Imperfect Within - Day 385

Today I want to do some self forgiveness on my desire to control others in the direction I think they should walk rather then allowing others to walk there way and directing the situation if I see I have faced the point and can support another equal to myself, not in a way that is domineering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control another within the thought that ‘they don’t know what they are doing’ and justifying that I have to go and help them how to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that others don’t know what they are doing and so they need my help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others as less competent then me and that I need to ensure I direct things with them, so the work can be complete on time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger towards others within a backchat that they don’t know what they are doing and are going to screw up my interests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger and irritation to direct me towards others based on a belief that I know more and others don’t know as much as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have others do what I want instead of ensuring I communicate with others to ensure there is an agreement of movement and a point of accountability equal among all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and participate in the backchat of ‘others are going to screw up’ and so become pushy towards others rather then approach with a point of inquiring rather then being a know it all.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed to not see, realize, and understand that I am going into my ego of desiring to be more with others and perfect outside rather then face my inner world where I feel inferior to others and see myself as quite messed up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as an inferior and thus compensate on the outer world and act superior to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk the correction of working on myself within who I am in writing and continue to direct myself in polarity of inferior/superior.

I forgive that I have accepted and allowed to blame others for the inner discord I feel, and so become reactive in my outer world instead of sorting , stopping and not moving myself until I have sorted out the point in self honesty and walked the correction and proven to myself I have change before I direct others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control others cause within myself I don’t feel in control of who I am.

More to come on this.

When and as I see I am going into any actions of control towards others, I stop and breath, and realize I am not sorting and looking within to see where I am in fact not feeling in control within myself.

I commit myself to stop reacting and directing others in a controlling way.

I commit to find the pattern within myself and sort it out in self writing before I direct towards another.

I commit to put myself in the other shoe and direct others within self trust after I have proven I am stale in the point by walking it over time.

Eqafe Interview Support on Control I recommend:
Reptilians - Thought and Thinking - a Deliberate Creation of Control

Anxiety Support By the Atlanteans (Part 1) - Part 83

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Day 286 – Self Judgment – The ‘Flawed’ Eye – Backchat Dimension

Please reference these blogs for further perspective:
Day 283 – Self Judgment – Judging My Physical – The ‘Flawed’ Eye
Day 284 – Self Judgment – Judging My Physical – The ‘Flawed’ Eye – Self Commitments to Live – Part 1
Day 285 – Self Judgment – The ‘Flawed’ Eye – Self Corrections to Live Part 2

Looking here at the specific backchat that is involved within this self judgment I hold of my ‘flawed’ eye on the left side, and it is based on the memory of being called a ‘retard’ in school by others and eventually connecting this with the eye that is not perfectly symmetrical on my face. I became very fearful of others, that they would create this judgment of me as how I have judged myself and so I had a very difficult time being with others, because my mind was so loud about how others were thinking of me and how must they think I really have something wrong with me. The backchat was based in this line of thinking, ‘I am flawed’, ‘I have something wrong with me’, ‘everyone see me as dumb, retarded, useless’ ‘I am never going to amount to others, I am too flawed’ ‘look at everyone else they are perfect, look at me I am flawed with this face’ and eventually believing that I indeed had something wrong with me, like that I was never told that I had mental issues, and I was only finding out now because it’s so obvious. So the backchat was always in a way bullying me because I was bullying myself, making me less then others, believing this is who I am, and was using the fear of humiliation by others to continue to exist in such a abusive way towards myself, where eventually my whole view of myself was contorted and I could not really see who I was in the mirror, I only saw all the flaws, all the judgments, all the things wrong with my face, especially this ‘flawed’ eye staring back at me. 

There was much anger and blame towards those kids that called me this, to my parents who created me, to god for creating me to exist, to this world for being so cruel, to my sisters for being perfect and me being the flawed one, I often took my anger out in violence and conflict with others, never would I speak of such thoughts going on in my mind or what was happening within me because I was too proud and didn’t want to seem weak, but this causing me to deal with this alone. I didn’t deal with it, but just suppressed it within me and became very angry at others because I blamed everything and everyone else for me being this way except facing the truth of me doing this to myself. Fuck but man, I was living a nice life, I had everything that I could ever ask for, I never had to worry, I was perfectly healthy and mentally healthy, I excelled at sports, I could problem solve, I did well in school when I applied myself, I could see outside of the box, I was offered dates by males, but I didn't ever see this, I only believed this about myself, that I was flawed, I am not normal, I have something wrong with me, I am less then others, and thus this is how I lived alone within myself, suppressed, and in fear.

But really who was the one who created all these thoughts and backchats in my mind, who accepted and allowed myself to continue the chatter and judgments of myself over years within seeing me as the flawed person, the undeserving and inferior of the group, I did. So the blame and anger towards others was more a defense and protection mechanism for me to avoid these uncomfortable situations with others based on this point of always existing in my mind and not ever considering the physical reality, not being able to communicate because I was never here listening, but in my mind judging myself as my backchat. So it’s a question of not why is this being done to me like I have asked myself for many years, but why am I doing this to myself. Why am I torturing myself, why do I continue to exist within these thoughts that I am less then, not worthy, and it because I didn't want to face my fears, I didn't want to take responsibility for all of it, I didn't want to face myself as the bully, as the judger, and as the mind with all these nasty thoughts about not only myself but everyone else around me. I have created myself as the bullied as well as the bullier, it's all me, and this here lies the solution, understanding this and forgiving all of it to be able to change myself into a being that considers myself as well as all others as equals and does what is best.

Will continue, thanks for reading.

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Day 285 – Self Judgment – The ‘Flawed’ Eye – Self Corrections to Live Part 2

Please reference these blogs for further perspective:
Day 281 – Self Judgment – The Point I don’t Want to Face
Day 282 – Self Judgment – Fueling the Imprisonment of Self as the Mind
Day 283 – Self Judgment – Judging My Physical – The ‘Flawed’ Eye
Day 284 – Self Judgment – Judging My Physical – The ‘Flawed’ Eye – Self Commitments to Live – Part 1

When and as I see myself go into a form of resentfulness towards others based on the way of my judgment towards myself as abnormal and them looking normal, I stop and breath, and realize that this is due to my own insecurities and inferiorizing myself based on features of my face that I have defined less then others. I realize this is only going to cause me to live in this cycle of polarities as positive and negative never being stable and thus abusing others based on this resentment I hold.

I commit myself to stop and breath and find why I am going into this point of resentfulness, so then I can realize how to stop it.

I commit myself to stop this point of judgment in polarities to others as good and bad, and learn to accept myself by seeing me equal as life not based on pictures.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by the individual flaws I see in myself and realize I am a physical body and accept myself in wholeness.

I commit to let go of the idea that I am flawed and realize this is my physical form and is keeping me alive.

When and as I see I go into comparison and start separating myself from others do to my mind thoughts of judgment based on this comparison, I stop and breath, and realize that this is going to end in me becoming abusive to myself and others through spite, and so I realize I must stop continuing to exist in comparison as it cause this separation within me and my world due to points that can not be changed.

I commit myself to stop and not accept myself to go into comparison by becoming aware of it and not accepting it to continue.

I commit myself to stop and not go into any point of resentment towards others if I see that I am starting this path of comparison through breathing and using my self will to not participate in this point of judgment and comparison in my world.

I commit to walk the acceptance of my physical and all physicals here by walking the process of correction through self-forgiveness and self commitments until I am here and do not go into judgment but stand in my decision to stop.

When and as I go into definitions of what is normal and what is not and thus start to define society in these terms, I stop and breath, and realize that I am being possessed by the mind within judgment as I am accepting judgment within and as me, I realize that to stop this pattern I must stop existing in this polarity.

I commit to walk all points where I see I go into judgment investigate it, correct it, and direct it into correction when I walk to that point again.

I commit to not accept myself to walk in to judgment and judge my world around me, and thus embrace others as me and grow in understanding of all walks of life that is here in their individuality but always living one and equal with all life.

I commit to walk the path of honoring all life as me in the physical and become in unison with it through acceptance and direction into what is best as I walk this within and as my own physical.

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Day 284 – Self Judgment – Judging My Physical – The ‘Flawed’ Eye – Self Commitments to Live – Part 1

Please reference these blogs for further perspective:
Day 281 – Self Judgment – The Point I don’t Want to Face
Day 282 – Self Judgment – Fueling the Imprisonment of Self as the Mind
Day 283 – Self Judgment – Judging My Physical – The ‘Flawed’ Eye

When and as I go into a thought of judgment towards my eye and thus make myself inferior or superior to others in my world, I stop and breath, and realize this is a cycle of entrapment as I am being directed by themind within energy activation and addiction, and thus not self directed within walking the principles of my beingness as life in equality and oneness and what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts within breath movement and physical movement until I am stable within myself and am not moved by any thought of judgment of my eye.

I commit myself to walk the acceptance of myself as my eye in focusing on the physical as what it is and how it supports me to see the physical world and how I am life as the physical world within my physical beingness as all of life that is here on this earth.

I commit myself to make strong my eye of the physical in seeing what is really here through breath and thru considering all the life that is here.

I commit to stop the backchat by when it comes breathing and saying no stop, no stop until it is no longer here.

When and as I go into a point of blame towards my eye in seeing it as the problem of why my self interestdesires of being popular and getting attention is not fulfilled, I stop and breath, and realize that I amabdicating the responsibility of myself to life in stopping my self interest to be more then others, breath, and bring myself back to reality through breath and the realization that I am equal and one with the life within all and this polarity desire has got to be transcended.

I commit myself to breath and not accept myself to blame any being outside myself for what it is that I am participating in.

I commit myself to flag this point when I go into to blame and breath through it and not follow it and if I do investigate and see where it is I am abdicating my own responsibility.

I commit myself to stop separating myself into desires, let go of the desires, as I focus and push in my livingequality as I see this is best for all in the end and what is real and will last.

I commit to when I start hiding pieces of myself investigate and write about this, and walk the correction ofacceptance of all of me and stop this point of judgment as it is not real.

When and as I see myself go into a comparison and desire to be seen and liked by those that are normal and thus form a jealousy towards these people because I saw myself as not normal, I stop and breath, and realize what I am doing within this act of comparison and jealousy, I am separating me and life into categories and definitions that are not real but made up in my mind so I can gain something over others in self interest which is not the way to life but death, and I realize that death is the lost of life and really unfortunate as I have wasted my opportunity of full expression of life here within myself and within all, the greatest shame one can manifest as self.

I commit myself to when I see I go into comparison stop and not accept this point, move myself into awareness through realizing my breath and what I am doing here in the physical, and not participate until I can move myself into correction without question.

I commit to move through this comparison point and thus let go of jealousy as I walk the correction of accepting others as myself, when I am with others breath and move to correction by approaching those I resist and finding the equality within the situation and come to resolution.

I commit to come to resolution with those I resist and push the awareness of breath as life as equality among all that walk this earth through pushing it within myself, letting go of the thoughts that separate within myself by not participating.

I commit to let go of the judgment as normal and not normal as this is not the way of life, I breath, and walk the equality as myself in acceptance as I accept myself I will accept all others as self as my principles that I live as one and equal.

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Day 283 – Self Judgment – Judging My Physical – The ‘Flawed’ Eye

Please reference these blogs for further perspective:
Day 281 – Self Judgment – The Point I don’t Want to Face
Day 282 – Self Judgment – Fueling the Imprisonment of Self as the Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of ‘my eye is so ugly, why does it have to look like this’ direct me into feeling less then others in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my eye looks to me as flawed and ugly, and thus allow a feeling of sadness come over me because I realized that this means that I am not going to be able to be the prettiest girl and get all the attention I desired from others in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my eye for me not being able to be the prettiest girl within my environment and thus see my eye as the problem for losing out on this opportunity to get the most attention as being the prettiest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide my eye within makeup and the way I stood to not have people notice this flaw in my eye because I was afraid they would judge me as how I have judged myself as ugly and not normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others thinking that I was not pretty and thusfear not having friends in my world and the attention that I wanted as being popular, desired, and liked by all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my eye that I saw as not normal in pictures by only having my ‘good’ side show because of fear of people seeing the real way I look, and not wanting to have anything to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fix my eye and make it look like everyone else's eye because I judged it as not normal and thus not acceptable because I had no chance of getting what I wanted, to be desired and given attention by everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am flawed, and thus become jealousof all others who I saw as normal or had symmetrical looking faces and thus had no notice of imperfections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and thus judge those with flaws as abnormal and as less then important then those that where normal looking because of my belief of what I can get by being normal looking as my desires would be met, and thus only looked for how I could be this in my world ‘normal’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of others and their physical features, and thus become rude and angry at them within myself because I resented the fact that I couldn’t have this, I couldn’t be looking normal because I judged my face as abnormal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resentful of those I compared myself to and saw as better looking then me, and thus imagined what my life would be like, basically better, if I looked like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and thus become spiteful towards others based on our physical features and designs, and thus desire to be like them and dislike myself even more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what my life would be like if my eye were just normal looking and thus become resentful towards it for my eye not being normal looking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea that my eye is not normal and thus I must be flawed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that those who are not perfect within their look are not the best in society and thus can’t reach their desires in life, which is thus a life wasted and unfulfilled, which I feared greatly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within desire for the perfect look and living in spite and anger towards others because I didn’t have this within my idea of myself and how I saw myself based on judging me as not normal looking and that there was nothing I could do to change this outcome, which caused my resentment towards those that were normal looking become more and more over the years of holding this desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation as polarity with myself and life that is here as normal eyes and abnormal eyes, and separate myself from the physical living of being able to see life and the privilege this is within being alive by seeing the eyes in separation to myself as this polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my eyes and my physical body for granted and impose beliefs and ideas on to them that are not real, and energy reactions that harm the physical as anger, jealousy, and resentment based on my own desires for self perfection to gain my self interest in being likedand gaining attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish and not consider the life I am effecting as my physical body, and I forgive myself that I have not seen, realize, nor understood the reality of what it takes to see out of my eyes and live here in this physical existence on earth as a physical human body and a physical eye seeing.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
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