Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Day 3 - Judgement of Self

When I watched back the video I made tonight I immediately went into reaction of seeing myself as ugly. Judging and comparing my physical face to memories of what I have looked like and approved of in the past, and thus seeing myself less then those pictures. Throughout my life, I have based people, my first impression of them, based on their look. Defining the being in whether I was going to like them or not due to if they where attractive or not, and this definition and initial judgment of another would create a separation which compromised my ability to be with them as equals and thus taint the meeting  to be only as ego within self interest to be on top, be the winner, and thus gain system approval and acceptance for myself.

This was fueled by seeing movies and tv shows were the people on there were always very attractive, I was very much into beauty, I enjoyed people who were very attractive looking, and this initially was not in a sexual way, but in a way to establish myself among 'friends' and basically size myself up to thus compete for the most attractive male in my later years. I did not accept myself because I desired to be perfect within my look this never being able to be satisfied within myself because I was always seeing myself in comparison with others which created a hell for myself and me with others as I constantly was in competition. Til here no further I stop the judgment of myself as well as others within pictures, we are more then pictures, we are here as life. Life is not limited to look, pictures, or definitions and I am not limited to competition and the mind as ego, I can transcend and walk as equals with all that exist as I realize all that is here is me, I must stop my mind and thus walk within and as the physical as what is real to live this in fact to align myself one and equal with all as this physical reality as the physical reality is what is life, what is real, what is 'god', what is self.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to judge myself based on images I am holding onto of what the perfect face should look like, what the perfect eyes should look like, what the perfect hair should look like, what the perfect style should look like and thus be constantly and continuously comparing myself to everyone I see, and thus define myself only by the outside looking in as I realize and see that who is on the outside is not who I have to be, I do not have to continue to define myself by the pictures that I hold onto as perfect and thus I can let go of this desire to be some image that is not real and not tangible to even consider never mind take up so much of my time in worry, thoughts, and attention as I simply made it up in my mind and made it real by allowing perfection as an idea to possess me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to judge another being based on this picture image I have in my head of the perfect look and thus within this perfect picture idea in my mind, size the being up and thus go into a conclusion that the being is then defined and figured out so to speak and thus I direct myself from this conclusion I made of him/her within ego as seeing myself in comparison to what I concluded as more or less within the other. I realize that within this type of separation of defining and judging a being within the idea of more/less and constantly and continually participating within this comparison as I meet new people and with all the people in my world I am creating my own hell as their is no fulfillment and joy in trying to attain a stance of superiority through other beings by diminishing them in my mind and really I realize only diminishing me as eventually I will sabotage the the other as my ego always looks to be on top and thus will abuse another to attain this goal of superiority.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into my ego and diminish others in an attempt to be superior to others as I am compensating for the inadequacy I see of myself through not accepting myself and judging myself within the polarity play out of better/worse as my image and what I believe is important as being perfect to be accepted. I realize and see that being perfect within the mind as ideas, images, and polarities is not real but only sabotaging myself to really live and walk self perfection through become self perfected in taking consideration of everyone that is here as myself and living equal and one to all that is here as I would want for myself. I see and understand real perfection is within and as life here in this physical reality through creating systems and solutions to better life for all and thus enjoy life as ourselves with each other in total acceptance and embracement of the joy of ourselves as life living.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to base my whole beingness on the image of who all of us are within an idea that beauty is valuable and those who are more beautiful are somehow more worthy then those who are not. I see and realize the cycle of torment I have created for myself by existing within this absolute abdication to who and what life is as one and equal with all that is here in this physical reality and defining life by pictures that the being has no control over and makes absolutely no difference to the relationship we hold here as one and equal with each other as we are all the other as all that remain here is self, nothing exist outside of self as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to play into the depression of myself when and as I came to points in my life where I would see myself as not as pretty as the other and really within myself define myself as less then that I somehow was not as worthy, privileged, and special as I saw those with the great beauty. I see and realize that this idea of beauty as something that is able to be valued and thus defined and categorized among beings is in complete separation by accepting my mind as ideas and pictures to have power over me and thus abuse the life around me as well as myself due to following these thoughts that to be someone here you had to be good looking based on following  my thoughts and ideas that I am the mind and I have to win to live.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to allow jealousy within and as myself when I see those who are in picture presentation that are the ideal image I would like to be of perfection in beauty and allow myself to go into spite towards the being as I see myself less then them but desire to have what they have as I believe there life is great as they have everything that I would want and that they have the perfect life because they look the part. I realize and see that what is here is not to be defined and placed in a box perfection as an idea placed into beauty, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and thus not relevant to what I am walking here as life in oneness and equality. Life is life and thus added value judgments of beauty is only limiting our expression and determining ourselves within images of the mind as ideas that need to be lived up to which is not necessary and cause division among beings if one accept and allow the ego to control self, so thus I realize best to stop limiting myself to ideas of beauty and perfection and live beauty as perfection of self here within all that exist in absolute specificity to the consideration of all parts of myself as the whole is unified and supported within the support system I am as life living with no ego as mind to hinder one's expression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be spiteful within my backchat towards another being I see as more then me as I am jealous that they have the perfect picture that I desire and believe I need to succeed here in this world, so to make myself feel better, I will be quick and try to manipulate them to get them to be on my level through finding flaws in them and making them see it.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be spiteful towards others beings and be nasty within my backchat as trying to diminish them based on seeing them more then me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting a depression state to ensue when I value myself less then other based on looks and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting depression to exist within and as me as I see myself unworthy and useless if I don't stand at the top among the group I am with and be seen as the best among them.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to thus compensate within my athletics to make up for the lack I felt within my look so thus I could have some value among my peers and be seen as cool in a way that I saw others as cool, those who were good at sports.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself and others as cool based on if we played sports or not and placing a value judgment on physical activity and motion instead of realizing and existing as me here comfortable and stable within myself as I discover and express myself within the enjoyment of physical movement with others and with myself as my human physical body.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to allow abuse onto others based on my jealousy towards them of being prettier or better in sports then me and thus find ways to manipulate and diminish them to make myself be more and be seen by those at the top of the group so I thus can impress and get myself closer to being at the top.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to diminish myself within the idea and living out this idea that i have to manipulate life and abuse life to get to the top in compete self abdication as myself as equal with all and go into ego to be seen by others within my acting in an abusive and self interested way to impress those I see as more then me so I can be accepted and seen as cool among the group as see as better then me. I realize and see that this is not who I am and thus I stop all forms of desiring to impress others to gain their approval to thus be seen by others as being in a certain group and thus go into self interest to try and be seen as more to thus boost my ego and be disillusioned that I am somebody because I am 'popular' but only living by the system of abuse through diminishing myself by abusing others for my own self interest desires and gains to be accepted by those I see as superior to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to separate me from the life that is here within ego as jealousy and judgment as I realize and see that I am only diminishing me and creating a cycle of self abuse as I go from peak to lows in a never ending cycle of searching for who I am and trying to fit in with others all the while creating conflict and abuse in my world due to anger and jealousy because I don't see myself live up to my idea of perfection within my mind that i desired very much.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define life by pictures and from the mind as ego within polarities of inferiority/superiority based on an idea that I need to be perfect to be accepted and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe to make it in this life and succeed I have to be accepted and thus I had to be perfect within what I did and look like as I was in competition with all the others in my group which created allot of depression as I just could not live up to this expectation of myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to create an expectation of myself that I had to be perfect to succeed and be accepted instead of realizing and seeing that true success is when one live in peace and freedom with one self by accepting oneself for who one is and embracing all that is here as self in thus forgiving oneself for seeing themselves in a faulty way to thus change self to live here among all life equal and one.

My Self Correction:

When and as I go into this point of beauty and trying to fulfill this perfect picture within my mind, I stop and speak 'no, til hear no further', where I realize and see that life is I as a life being am not defined nor limited to any point of deinition, thought, belief, idea that the mind makes up within the polarities that will play out through accepting the ego to direct. Thus I commit to stop my ego as these thoughts, beliefs, ideas, and definitions to thus let go of the ties of limitation and allow myself to breath and live as myself in all that exist here as I create myself within all that is here as we as life walk as equals together in oneness and live in this way as well.

I commit to stopping all thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and jealousy based on placing value on judgments within polarities in separation to what is here.

I commit to walk with all life as myself and accept all life without any point but here as breath as I align with the physical in my words and deeds to thus embrace the world as myself and all living beings within it so peace can be lived and I can live in peace within myself as I walk and align myself with the perfection of this physical reality within the principles of oneness and equality through living in self honesty and self forgiveness.

 I commit to accept myself as all as one as equal and stopping all ego to be more and thus stopping all points of self sabotage as I go into the polarities of separating me from mysel fas all life. I stop separation in all forms and bring all forms here as me in living with life one and equal with me.

I commit to stand equal to life and thus stop at nothing to see this world live in this way through and as my self living and birthing myself with perfection my every breath to align to what is best for all life.

self judgment, beauty, ugly, ego, self perfection, solution, equality, one life, judging another, spiteful jealous girl mean abuse process journey to life desteni

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