Saturday, April 28, 2012

Day 13- I 'think' I'll be ok

I had this thought, I 'think' it'll be ok when in reality I didn't consider the consequences to this thought of not only hope, but false wellness within the decision I made to leave the gate open to the stairs, while my 1 year old niece was walking around upstairs and had no clue that stairs are dangerous. Now, I thought I was going to be quick enough to run down stairs throw clothes on the table and be back upstairs, and within this assumption I was wrong as I didn't consider the fact that it takes about 5 seconds for her to walk to the top of the stairs and step as she was walking in her room which is about 5-8 seconds away from the top of the stairs at her rate of speed. I sprinted and it took me about 10 seconds. I caught her as she was falling forward and she flipped over. Grace was with me as nothing came of this action as she was not hurt, we were both shocked, but she was fine in terms of physically. I realized in this moment that thinking is not fact, it's an assumption at best and what does assuming make of me an ass of u and me. Next time I will stick to the physical, not take chances as I can not walk backwards from the consequences of her injuring herself, and it's not cool that I needed this to happen and potentially really hurt my sweet niece for me to wake up and consider the reality that is actually happening here in my world as we walk and breath here one and equal.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to trust in the thought of 'I think I'll be ok' without taking into consideration all of the variable that are involved and most importantly the safety of a toddler who does not know any better and is looking to me for guidance and protection.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to assume that based on my hope of everything working out for me and that through my thoughts of assumption that all will work out well because it usually does I risk the potential permanent damage of an innocent child who is looking to me for protection and keeping them  safe as they learn to walk through life practically for themselves and at this stage have no knowledge of what is safe and what is dangerous.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to follow the thought 'I think I'll be ok' while I had realized that it is very likely that the child could fall down the stairs as the gate is open and she didn't know that she could get hurt if she tried to walk down the stairs herself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to trust a thought of 'i think I'll be ok' when the reality of the situation is that if anything where to happen she would be seriously injured.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to leave the risk of her falling up to chance based on thoughts that it would be ok and more then likely I would be back in time because I accepted past memories where it worked out ok and I was there.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to take risks with life and leave life's safety and protection up to chance as I allowed and accepted thoughts to direct me of nice feelings that all would end ok.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow thoughts of good feelings that all would be ok based on accepting memories of the past that everything turned out ok when I left things to chance and thus I realize and see that living this way gives way to injury and suffering due to the fact of leaving things up to chance where many variables could be in play instead of walking certainty by walking the physical steps and guaranteeing the protection and safety of the child by assuring it is done by myself physically doing it such as shutting the gate.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into past memories of me always having things work out in my favor where I accepted the nice feelings that generated in that moment and thus based on this high of good feelings took the risk of leaving it open and hoping she would not go near the stairs.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting good feelings as energies through accepting the memories that worked out ok to based the decision in that moment to leave the gate open and take the chance that she could fall down, but more then likely she will not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use memories and thoughts to blame and justify my irresponsibility to the protection of life that is in my care in all and every possible outcome that I can consider to makes sure the absolute safety and well being of any being in my care this to the best of my abilities.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be lazy in that moment where I accepted the thought 'I think I will be ok' and not use all the appropriate cautions and preventions that are in place to make sure the children that are here are protected and away from obvious and unknown danger that is around within environments we live in.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to actually allow myself to go into blame towards the child as she stepped down the stairs as if she is suppose to realize what she is doing when I know and realize that she has no such experience or knowledge to make her aware that she is not able to walk down stairs yet as and use her to get out of responsibility for the consequences because I accepted fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into fear and thus allowing and accepting myself to blame any being in my world for my actions and in this case the obvious abuse I was allowing to a child in my care.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my own self interest to blame another so I could get out of consequence and responsibility even if its to a child that has no other knowledge nor idea of what is dangerous and what is not so I could be safe for a moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my ego as wanting to be safe direct me even to the point of blaming someone who has no ability to be at fault in anyway and thus using life here as innocence for my own self interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use and abuse the innocence of life here, this is unacceptable and I stop this here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to abdicate my responsibility to life by being lazy and in self interest to get my needs met without considering that I have responsibilities and cares outside of my own needs and I must consider the life and the consequences within my world if I am to be trusted and in care of other life beings in this world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to make this error in consequential outflow analysis of the potential horror that could be caused if anything were to happen to the life I am in care with and that I would have to live with these consequences for the rest of my existence which is not necessary as I have the ability to walk the correction and make sure all is safe in ways where I have the ability to do so.

When and as this point of thoughts that I think ill be ok or it'll be ok, if i go quick, I stop breath, and immediately go into the consequential outflows of the life that will be effected and why, and go and walk all the points to make sure and guarantee in physical actual movement of myself that all are safe and all are protected in my care to the best of my abilities. I realize and see that life here is fragile and precious and I am not and will not take life by chance nor for granted and through risking if it'll work out or not, but stop all these points of mind conclusions and walk the physical practical solutions that create the outcome that I can see and realize will be best for all. I realize that children are in our hands and are looking to us for protection and guidance, I will never again take advantage of childrens innocence and risk any harm to them by abdicating my responsibility to being quick or being lazy as this is absolutely unacceptable and I would never want this for myself.

I commit to stop all thoughts and memories of assumptions and taking risks and chances with life here.

I commit to walk practically in common sense 100% to guarantee the safety and protection of all the life so all are able to enjoy and express with out any point of danger, this to the best of my abilities.

I commit to stop all laziness and self interest to get short cuts and easy roads, but I commit to walk all the points that are needed to be walked to have life be safe, life to be here, and life to be able to be walked in the best way possible for all.

childcare, abuse, abusing childcare, kids falling, taking risks, thinking, stupid moves, gates for stairs, stopping self from abuse, equality, life in care, equal money, eqafe, desteni

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