Opening Up Confidence within the Mind – Money – Part 6 – Day 366

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This is a Series, here are the others for reference:
My Experience Before and After Beginning Process with Animals and Nature – Part 1- Day 361
Horses and People– Before/After Starting Process with Animals and Nature Part 2 – Day 362
Horses and People – Before/After Starting Process with Animals and Nature – Part 3 - Day 363
Opening Up Confidence In the Mind – Before/After Starting to Walk Process – Part 4 – Day 364

My Experience with Confidence In Appearance - Part 5 - Day 365

Money has been a steady point within my life where I have gained confidence within myself from, if I have money then I am more able to do what I want and so get what I want. I also find I have gained a sort of arrogance that I disguise as confidence within my ability to make money and get money in my pockets if need be. I have been fortunate in this life to have connections where I am able to get a job and work, and I have found by using principles within my work environment such as loyalty, hard work, giving my best effort, considering others has helped me ensure an income and ensure I keep a job because I perform at a level that people like. So some cool points as well as points I have to work on because I use my ego to gain respect from others and demanding it as well through pushing my abilities and my know-how of the job to get myself heard or seen and so create rifts within areas in my life that are unacceptable and are not a way I would like to continue living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gain confidence through working and demanding others recognize my skill through the confidence I present in a way that is arrogant at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become arrogant with others and within myself towards others because within myself I have judged them as less then me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better then others in the work place because I am able to move projects ahead and so believe that others are not working hard enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to be confident in the justification as a belief that I work harder then others and so see others as a point of not doing enough where I believe I am doing more then them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as not working hard enough and so become confident and so arrogant within myself towards them instead of ensuring I am doing my best and so be able to support others to do this as well.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for there work ethic and make myself more in my own mind to gain this experience of confidence I desire within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as a problem in the work environment without pushing myself to stand equal to them and see where it is that I myself am not working at my best and so turn around to face myself and ensure my work is optimal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe because I have the ability to make money and have money that I am more worthy then others who are not able to do this, and so gain confidence within the fact that I can make money where I see others can’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more then others because of my ability to make money where this is not the true worthiness or measure of a man. I realize it is what one do with what one has and how they live and care for the life with what they have that is one and equal to how self would want to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that money measures a persons worth and created an idea that this makes them more if they are able to make more money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create an idea that if one makes more money then they are worth more and so create an energetic response within myself as being more then others and so feeling more important, inflating my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an energetic response as feeling more then another based on money worth to satisfy my desire to be important in life and so create a separation with others based on this desire of being more worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be more then others because within myself I feel less then many people I meet.

-I will continue with the insecurity points later in this series.

When and as I see I go into a point of confidence based on an idea that money makes me more worthy or more important then another, I stop and breath, and realize that this only separates me from physical reality with others and the solutions we can come up with to ensure all are equally cared for and supported, and end the point in my mind of the polarity that an experience needs to take place, I am here like all others and that is who we are, here in this physical reality all of us together and so we must ensure all are consider as this is what demands of this physical reality to function in balance which is what makes sense always.

I commit myself to let go of the idea that money makes another more worthy then someone who doesn’t have it or can’t make enough.

I commit myself to let go of the belief that I am important because I can make money and become confident within myself towards others based on this belief.

I commit to let go of the experience of confidence based on an idea and desire to be more.

I commit to walk as myself in facing who I am within myself when I go and judge another and see within my life I am doing the same thing and change myself.

I commit to change my living from the mind to the physical and support solution that will support everyone to have money and a life of decency in the best way possible.

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Day 277 – “F*ck Authority” Character – Being Yelled At

Check out this blog for reference to this post:

Day 276 – Intro to the 'F*ck Authority' Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when another triggers being yelled at, which created a point of inferiority within me in where I saw I needed to regain my standing through using anger to become the strong one again and thus use force through my words or body to get my position of authority back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus resist authority but within myself desire it, and thus create an internal conflict of desire and resistance to the point of authority where I cycle back and forth and never am able to remain here and thus am unable to direct to a point of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in an authorative position and thus will use what I don’t like done unto me as yelling onto another because I see that this is really the only way to get authority back, but realizing this is not real authority but enslavement through force. Real authority I realize is through controlling self and directing self to be able to manage one’s own authority as self-direction to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to take what others say or do to me as an attack on my authority and thus seek revenge based on me taking the other’s yelling at me personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to become stronger then others to have more power and control over others and so will easily become angered and takes words personally as I have created a certain idea and image of myself as an authoritive person and thus when someone takes this image and doesn’t see the same, I take this personal and seek to use competition to win back my position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as more then others and thus desire the feelings of superiority and control and power over others, where I am not realizing, seeing, or understanding that taking from another what is already here within both as self direction as our own authrotive will is creating a diminishment within me because I am separating the life that is here as me with the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this disharmony on the one yelling at me when I realize when I bring this blame back to myself I am the one accepting the yelling as a personal attack, when I realize I can breath, let it go, and direct the situation when it is able to be directed or walk away if there is no sign of solution able to be accessed at that time, I am the one taking it personal thus it is my responsibility to stop this and not go into blame as blame is an outflow of self abdication of facing self responsibility and change.

When and as I go into a point of taking another’s yelling towards me personal, I stop and breath, and realize I do not need to go into reaction but can direct myself through breathing, letting go of the point of taking the yelling personal through taking responsibility for my reactions by stopping them, and direct the point into solution that is best for all.

When and as I go into a point of reacting in anger or blame towards another, I stop and breath, and realize that this is a point of outflow of taking the mind as a personal attack and thus wanting to abdicate my responsibility within my creation of creating the point of blame and anger within myself, as I realize I created it through my own permission, so I realize I can simply let it go as this is an outflow of reaction within the other as yelling, and direct myself as the situation through taking responsibility of myself and directing the point into a resolution that will calm the situation down and create harmony through understanding as equals if this is possible.

I commit myself to stop and breath when I see point of reaction come up within me when someone yell at me, see what is being said in awareness of the equality within us and through taking self responsibility, and direct the point if there is a stable situation to do so for an outcome that will benefit both.

I commit myself to see when I go into an anger or blame reaction, to stop, and write out the point of what I am blaming or becoming angry at if I don’t see it in that moment to immediately correct, if I am able to I push to stop reacting and bring the point to correction through immediate action, or flag it and open it up in writing when I am able to to be understood through self forgiveness and self commitments.


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Day 276 – Intro to the 'F*ck Authority' Character

Within this character, I have found a point of resistance and anger as well as fear being hidden within it, thus having to face that which I fear as other humans who are apparently in my perception stronger and more smart then me. I am first going to look at this within memories I am holding as a kid of interactions with people of authority and how I reacted, and thus how this shaped myself in relationship to people of authority throughout my life.

As a kid, I disliked being yelled at, it made me feel scared within myself, like a shock, and within being yelled at I always felt less about myself because I attached being yelled at as me doing something wrong and being caught and called out and thus this made me feel less then I did before I got caught.

Being caught doing something wrong was not a thing I wanted to have happen because within myself I always wanted to be seen as the best child and have all people like me, even the adults, and when I found someone yell at me, I did not like this because this image I held of myself was thus squashed. I also obviously didn’t like to have to be in trouble or punished for things that I desired to do and that to me where not bad, but with authority they had the prerogative to decide for themselves if it was bad or not, and thus the authority to punish me. This I resisted having others have the authority to punish me without my understanding or permission because why the hell should someone who is older have this power, but then the fear of facing them and standing up would render me into their control and direction. I also questioned myself and who I was because at that time I didn’t know, and thus I did see myself as bad and wrong because these authorities were saying so, but within me at times I didn’t see I was doing wrong and didn't understand why I was being screamed at, so also a confusion grew within me about being yelled at and said this is bad when within myself it didn’t seem bad and thus didn’t make sense. Reaction to the screaming voice instantly created anger because it brought fear and thus this fear made me want to seek revenge on who created this in me in the first place because it wasn't pleasant.

I also had/have a big ego as I like the rewards and attention one gets when they are seen as the best, and so I wanted to be the best and thus have others see me in this way as much as possible, so I would easily resist anything anyone would say to me especially those in authority positions, like parents, teachers, coaches, if the were saying things that didn’t conclude to me being the best, and so I just didn’t want to hear what they had to say at all. I knew myself, I knew what I had to do, and I didn’t need anyone yelling at me and telling me what to do, so really just fuck off please, I am not listening to you, you are so annoying type of attitude. When authority figures would yell at me I grew accustom to just ignoring or attack, like I wouldn’t even hear what they were saying, when I was yelled at and made to feel like I was doing something wrong, or I would attack and go into a defense because I had to defend my honor, me desires for the rewards of being the best or popular, and so I would at any cost easily cut down my enemies which usually turned out to be people in authority if they tried and questioned or changed the outcome I desired of being the best and thus getting what I wanted.

Another point that I find with being with authority figures is when I am yelled at by another, I will go into embarrassment, it's an immediate reaction at times say if I was caught off guard or red handed doing something 'wrong', and I would feel embarrassed to be put in that position by this person who yelled at me. This embarrassment would activate anger within me and this is what fueled the defense mechanism as defending myself and seeing the authority as my enemy. Like I am being bombarded by authority and they were making me feel uncomfortable, so they deserve to pay, and I would fight immensely towards them sometimes directly like with my mom or passively like with my coaches, to prove that I am right and they are the ones who fucked up and stepped too much beyond my boundary of acceptability  My ego did not like to be embarrassed and/or wronged, and especially by another imperfect human trying to tell me that I am bad and they are better then me, and then making me uncomfortable within this. Nope, they were going to have to pay for this, and so I would just go into conflict and create a scene.

But within all of this my mind was split and I was not stable with who I really was, I had no idea who I was or what I really was looking for or defending as I saw within myself how flawed I was acting and abusive as well, so I just went from inferior to superior and back again and thus cycling with others who where doing the same. Never changing and never satisfied, and so always in conflict in my world. I will continue more and write this one out in blogs to come to correct this and thus be stable in my own self direction in the principle of what is best for all. Thanks.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki