My Journey to Life: power positions

Showing posts with label power positions. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Day 279 – “F*ck Authority” Character – Being Yelled At - Suppression

Check out these blogs for reference to this post:
Day 276 – Intro to the 'F*ck Authority' Character
Day 277 – “F*ck Authority” Character – Being Yelled At
Day 278 – “F*ck Authority” Character – Yelling at Me -The Shock of a Voice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind when I hear a load voice yelling and fear I will get into trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed into submission as fear when I hear a load voice and thus become docile and forgiving towards that other person regardless of what they are doing to me or to others for them to stop being mad at me or yell at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a compromised position within myself towards others who are yelling as docile and forgiving without understanding or realizing what is the purpose of the yelling and if I can direct it into a best for all solution, but based on fear coward and stop my interactions of expression towards this other and suppress myself to not have to face them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become docile and suppress my expression around others when I hear yelling based on a memory of my dad yelling at me and him making me go to my room with a smack on my rear, and thus tense up and go into a fright when I hear a load voice based on fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of defense and protection of myself when I hear a load voice of a women based on a memory of my mom yelling at me and creating a point of defense of her vs me, and thus when I hear a voice similar I automatically go into this battle mentality and become tense and anxious for this meeting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a rush of anxiety run through my body when I hear a load voice based on seeing that I am less then this person with the loud voice and that I have to submit to them or go into conflict to be able to deal with this person who is yelling at me and get out of this situation which I didn’t care to be in in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed polarities as submit or fight to direct me when another is yelling instead of realizing what I can do in self direction to calm the position of the other down through understanding the other in equal consideration to myself regardless of the tone of there voice and thus direct in common sense for what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being with people with load voices or whospeak allot due to this fear of being overtaken and having to submit to them and thus feel inferior to them as I am allowing myself to feel this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to those who are loud because I believe that I can’t compete and thus coward to their aggressiveness and not direct the point regardless of my fear or feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed feelings and fear to direct me around another with a load voice instead of assessing the situation in common sense and seeing what direction is necessary to take in what is best and directing any conflict into a solution in equal consideration of all involved.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

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Sunday, April 14, 2013

Day 278 – “F*ck Authority” Character – Yelling at Me -The Shock of a Voice

Check out these blogs for reference to this post:

Day 276 – Intro to the 'F*ck Authority' Character
Day 277 – “F*ck Authority” Character – Being Yelled At

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a fright when I hear a high pitched voice in the manner of forceful speaking towards another or myself, and thus within myself go into a restriction and suppression in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the thought of “I am going to be in trouble” when I hear a high pitched voice or scream from another, and thus go into a defense mechanism as tension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in trouble by another and thus resist this yelling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a defense mechanism when I hear my named spoken in a high pitched voice and immediately allow the fear and tension to possess me with a nauseas feeling within my solar plexus area and want to escape the person yelling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to the person screaming at me or another in apprehension in a point of defense of being harmed and then immediately look in my thoughts to how I cancompete with this person to be able to do battle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and thus go into defense in a point of seeingthis person yelling as a threat to me in separation rather then seeing this person as me in a state of reaction themselves, and realize the point of my own self correction necessary to resolve the conflict within the other as I have realized for myself which is to see that the conflict is not a solution but walking together in a point of understanding and agreement is, and thus show the other if rather then go against.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind as blame and believe that this person is wrong and yelling at me for an unfair reason, and thus immediately resist what is being said to me and not direct the point, but go into reaction towards this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a sense of relief when I see that I am not the one who is being yelled at and thus feel positive within myself because I avoided point of conflict andpotential harm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this positive feeling to make myself feel better about myself and not consider the other whom is being yelled at and not go and find a point of support for this person, but rather avoid them because of fear and it not wanting to be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid situations where high voices are being used because of this fear of shock I experienced as a kid when I was yelled at by adults.

When and as I see that I am going into a point of resistance when I hear yelling, I stop and breath, and realize that the yelling of another is not in anyway able or can effect me unless I allow it to.

When and as I see that I am going into fear of the yelling and going into reaction of suppression and defense, I stop and breath, and I realize that the fear is not real it’s only my mind creating this point of fear of harm and the defense of myself is no solution as this cause conflict with myself and the other, I realize I am here and able to direct the situation into a point of solution for myself and others through realizing the other is me and walking what I would want for myself with the other in a point of understanding and support.

I commit myself to let go of the fear and resistance when the yelling is going on through breathing, and continue to breath as the yelling is going focusing on the point that I do not have to be effected by this. I use my common sense and only approach the other if they are calm and can hear what I am saying, always within a point of equality and support for what is best to solve the conflict or tension.

I commit to not approach another in conflict and instigation, but walk in a point of harmony and understanding through my words and demeanor as being non aggressive through not reacting and care.

I commit myself to push non-reaction by using my breath, and focusing on the point of solution and what the issue is within the reason for the yelling in the first place.

I commit myself to continue to direct the situations where I am able to with conflict and find the solutions that will support stability within the group and my self in what will be best for all.

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Day 277 – “F*ck Authority” Character – Being Yelled At

Check out this blog for reference to this post:

Day 276 – Intro to the 'F*ck Authority' Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when another triggers being yelled at, which created a point of inferiority within me in where I saw I needed to regain my standing through using anger to become the strong one again and thus use force through my words or body to get my position of authority back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus resist authority but within myself desire it, and thus create an internal conflict of desire and resistance to the point of authority where I cycle back and forth and never am able to remain here and thus am unable to direct to a point of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in an authorative position and thus will use what I don’t like done unto me as yelling onto another because I see that this is really the only way to get authority back, but realizing this is not real authority but enslavement through force. Real authority I realize is through controlling self and directing self to be able to manage one’s own authority as self-direction to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to take what others say or do to me as an attack on my authority and thus seek revenge based on me taking the other’s yelling at me personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to become stronger then others to have more power and control over others and so will easily become angered and takes words personally as I have created a certain idea and image of myself as an authoritive person and thus when someone takes this image and doesn’t see the same, I take this personal and seek to use competition to win back my position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as more then others and thus desire the feelings of superiority and control and power over others, where I am not realizing, seeing, or understanding that taking from another what is already here within both as self direction as our own authrotive will is creating a diminishment within me because I am separating the life that is here as me with the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this disharmony on the one yelling at me when I realize when I bring this blame back to myself I am the one accepting the yelling as a personal attack, when I realize I can breath, let it go, and direct the situation when it is able to be directed or walk away if there is no sign of solution able to be accessed at that time, I am the one taking it personal thus it is my responsibility to stop this and not go into blame as blame is an outflow of self abdication of facing self responsibility and change.

When and as I go into a point of taking another’s yelling towards me personal, I stop and breath, and realize I do not need to go into reaction but can direct myself through breathing, letting go of the point of taking the yelling personal through taking responsibility for my reactions by stopping them, and direct the point into solution that is best for all.

When and as I go into a point of reacting in anger or blame towards another, I stop and breath, and realize that this is a point of outflow of taking the mind as a personal attack and thus wanting to abdicate my responsibility within my creation of creating the point of blame and anger within myself, as I realize I created it through my own permission, so I realize I can simply let it go as this is an outflow of reaction within the other as yelling, and direct myself as the situation through taking responsibility of myself and directing the point into a resolution that will calm the situation down and create harmony through understanding as equals if this is possible.

I commit myself to stop and breath when I see point of reaction come up within me when someone yell at me, see what is being said in awareness of the equality within us and through taking self responsibility, and direct the point if there is a stable situation to do so for an outcome that will benefit both.

I commit myself to see when I go into an anger or blame reaction, to stop, and write out the point of what I am blaming or becoming angry at if I don’t see it in that moment to immediately correct, if I am able to I push to stop reacting and bring the point to correction through immediate action, or flag it and open it up in writing when I am able to to be understood through self forgiveness and self commitments.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Day 276 – Intro to the 'F*ck Authority' Character

Within this character, I have found a point of resistance and anger as well as fear being hidden within it, thus having to face that which I fear as other humans who are apparently in my perception stronger and more smart then me. I am first going to look at this within memories I am holding as a kid of interactions with people of authority and how I reacted, and thus how this shaped myself in relationship to people of authority throughout my life.

As a kid, I disliked being yelled at, it made me feel scared within myself, like a shock, and within being yelled at I always felt less about myself because I attached being yelled at as me doing something wrong and being caught and called out and thus this made me feel less then I did before I got caught.

Being caught doing something wrong was not a thing I wanted to have happen because within myself I always wanted to be seen as the best child and have all people like me, even the adults, and when I found someone yell at me, I did not like this because this image I held of myself was thus squashed. I also obviously didn’t like to have to be in trouble or punished for things that I desired to do and that to me where not bad, but with authority they had the prerogative to decide for themselves if it was bad or not, and thus the authority to punish me. This I resisted having others have the authority to punish me without my understanding or permission because why the hell should someone who is older have this power, but then the fear of facing them and standing up would render me into their control and direction. I also questioned myself and who I was because at that time I didn’t know, and thus I did see myself as bad and wrong because these authorities were saying so, but within me at times I didn’t see I was doing wrong and didn't understand why I was being screamed at, so also a confusion grew within me about being yelled at and said this is bad when within myself it didn’t seem bad and thus didn’t make sense. Reaction to the screaming voice instantly created anger because it brought fear and thus this fear made me want to seek revenge on who created this in me in the first place because it wasn't pleasant.

I also had/have a big ego as I like the rewards and attention one gets when they are seen as the best, and so I wanted to be the best and thus have others see me in this way as much as possible, so I would easily resist anything anyone would say to me especially those in authority positions, like parents, teachers, coaches, if the were saying things that didn’t conclude to me being the best, and so I just didn’t want to hear what they had to say at all. I knew myself, I knew what I had to do, and I didn’t need anyone yelling at me and telling me what to do, so really just fuck off please, I am not listening to you, you are so annoying type of attitude. When authority figures would yell at me I grew accustom to just ignoring or attack, like I wouldn’t even hear what they were saying, when I was yelled at and made to feel like I was doing something wrong, or I would attack and go into a defense because I had to defend my honor, me desires for the rewards of being the best or popular, and so I would at any cost easily cut down my enemies which usually turned out to be people in authority if they tried and questioned or changed the outcome I desired of being the best and thus getting what I wanted.

Another point that I find with being with authority figures is when I am yelled at by another, I will go into embarrassment, it's an immediate reaction at times say if I was caught off guard or red handed doing something 'wrong', and I would feel embarrassed to be put in that position by this person who yelled at me. This embarrassment would activate anger within me and this is what fueled the defense mechanism as defending myself and seeing the authority as my enemy. Like I am being bombarded by authority and they were making me feel uncomfortable, so they deserve to pay, and I would fight immensely towards them sometimes directly like with my mom or passively like with my coaches, to prove that I am right and they are the ones who fucked up and stepped too much beyond my boundary of acceptability My ego did not like to be embarrassed and/or wronged, and especially by another imperfect human trying to tell me that I am bad and they are better then me, and then making me uncomfortable within this. Nope, they were going to have to pay for this, and so I would just go into conflict and create a scene.

But within all of this my mind was split and I was not stable with who I really was, I had no idea who I was or what I really was looking for or defending as I saw within myself how flawed I was acting and abusive as well, so I just went from inferior to superior and back again and thus cycling with others who where doing the same. Never changing and never satisfied, and so always in conflict in my world. I will continue more and write this one out in blogs to come to correct this and thus be stable in my own self direction in the principle of what is best for all. Thanks.