This is a blog continuation of a series, here is part 1:Day 312 – Relationship Paranoia – Part 1
So here I will be looking at the origin of this desire within me as a kid of liking a boy, and thus wanting a relationship with him. What within my memory and my living situation as a child oriented me to desire to be with another person? The first boy I remember liking was a boy in my second grade class, he was a boy who was shy, but very cute, so his looks where first on my list that attracted me to him. So I will look at this point first of ‘attraction’, and what within this point that creates a point of desire for another in my life at even the age of 8 or 9 years old.
First, I would say what drew me to attractive guys at that age where movies, the movies I watched always had this point of very cute guy or girl within it, to cater to each sexes desire, and they were always the hero’s within the movies. For instance was the movie free willy, the boy who lead in that movie I really liked based on him being cute. And within me, it was this desire to be like that or be with someone that was very attractive. Now, this point is very encapsulating and has been throughout my life, the desire for beauty, what makes the picture of someone so enthralling and enticing, as I look at it here it moves to sex. The desire to have sex with a beautiful person was already engrained in me even at that age of 8 or 9 years old, I may not have known what sex was, but I did feel a feeling of attraction to move closer to these beautiful pictures, and when I was younger, this desire or feeling again was fueled and grew within watching movies. Dirty dancing was the first movie I saw that I actually knew what was happening within the kissing scenes because my friends would talk about it, and then finally I saw this movie and it clicked, and I was like ok, this feeling is what everyone is talking about.
So this ‘feeling’ that everyone was talking about was a feeling or desire for closeness with another, for sex, but here one must question this because it’s not a self movement within a point of contemplation or decision making, but it’s like a pull, and the pull is magnetized towards another I have found through looks and beauty of another, and then the hope of relationship and then sex with this other. So even within the age of 8 or 9, I was already introduced to sex and relationship, and already was starting to feel the pull towards another, a desire to be with them, and at this stage it was based on this other being ‘cute’.
The Origins of desire in relationships therefore I would conclude based on my experiences as a kid would be one main focus is movies and television, what they show on the screen as sex and relationship, and inducing the experience within self of the feelings of lust and sex towards others. And thus what is imprinted within the human watching these movies or tv shows is that you have to be beautiful and sexy to get your desires fulfilled, to get another beautiful picture to be with you, and so I started on this road to be beautiful. The image of the characters on tv are very specific, they are geared to create desires within the viewer, the desire to be beautiful, and what does this desire create within the world system, consumers, buyers, but also devastation as the human view of themselves is skewed. It’s not about self-empowerment and wholeness of self, but these movies and tv series create a need and unfufillment within self, and a desire to perfect self. I will go into detail with self forgiveness and self correction next blog on these points.
So the paranoia that is created even at a very young age through what one watch on the tv screens, is the paranoia of the perfect look to get the perfect relationship, and then get to have that feeling of lust built up now through all the viewing over time on the tv, to find the perfect guy and have a relationship, sex, and then it will lead to marriage and thus security (I wil go into to this in detail in later blogs). So these expectations now, build up questions within self like, “but can I get him, will he like me, dear god, am I perfect enough? How do I get perfect?” And another problem is that children are never properly educated to discern from fact and fiction, and thus understanding how to create a point of self stability within yourself through these fears and feelings that are now created and being fueled on a day to day basis.
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