Monday, June 3, 2013

Day 312 – Relationship Paranoia – Part 1

I remember ever since I was a child that I desired a relationship with another person, it was a natural point within me of "I like that boy", and I remember it being specific to the looks particularly, this boy was cute and cool and athletic and funny, and so within me I saw all these desires being fulfilled through this picture I am seeing of this ‘boy’ in my mind and then superimposing this picture onto the physical reality of him through the relationship that would hopefully develop with me and this boy across my classroom. Obviously, not taking physical reality into consideration in anyway as it didn’t at all work out the way my mind planned it to be and pictured it to be, and thus the ensuing development of my relationship paranoia began.

But how as a child did I even know about relationships and being with a boy and wanting it to be so specific as to the look, and personality, and acceptability of this boy, and where I so specifically picked ‘him’ because of these desires being fulfilled of how my mind created them to be and thus how I wanted it to go. So what I am looking at is more a point of where does these desires come from, how do they develop, and what are the consequences within myself and thus within the greater of this reality of how we as human beings experience and create relationships within our lives. 

I will be looking at these very points within this coming series called and will be in relation to 'Relationship Paranoia', where in the next post I will be walking this line of my experience as a child of desiring this specific boy in school, the thoughts and memories related to this through finding the origin point of where and when it started, and to then deconstruct all these point through self forgiveness and self correction to live from a point of self stability that is real, which is my living in alignment with the physical reality. The physical is the point where self can stop this constant state of paranoia, such as the relationship ending for instance through understanding what is going on within self and directing this point of your mind activity and rather live from the physical in alignment with the mind as an equal, where the communication, the living interaction, and the process of self stability and self support within and through the relationship itself is the support and stability that is sound because it's really being lived, and thus can be directed through self awareness to self clarity. So self being the starting point always, asking who I am in relation to what is here and walking the process of letting go of the mind attachments as fear and paranoia that is not necessary and very unpleasant.

So the mind is where we have been creating our relationships from, the desires, the fantasies in our imaginations, the ideas and beliefs of how it should be or could be, the energies of emotions and feelings that are infused and regenerate through living these memories, and thus compromising one’s own self stability to have a real relationship, a physical stable relationship based on common sense and practical support of oneself and each other together. And thus why we are continuing to exist within the world as the mind, as memories, as emotions and feelings, and desires, and so our relationships are falling and unstable and always we are in the constant threat of fear of lose, which in turn creates this constant state of paranoia and nervousness within one’s world. Really I am tired of living in this way, the constant up and down emotional rollercoaster rides and the constant state of paranoia of never knowing will I meet my 'soulmate', will I  have love in my life, will this last, what is going to be the thing that makes this relationship fail, and it goes on, it's time to stop this panic state and start getting real. 

So I will do my best to open the Relationship Paranoia point up in as many dimensions as I can and as specific as possible to examine, deconstruct, and reconstruct the correction of the relationship from paranoia of the mind as we exist currently to the self relationship of stability here in physical reality in what is real and true as self stability one and equal with life. Stay tuned.

Suggest Read: Day 406: Relationship Paranoia Guidelines

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