My Journey to Life: childhood memories

Showing posts with label childhood memories. Show all posts

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Family and Competition – Day 484

How is it that we become so competitive and driven to survival within this reality? I have been looking at this point recently and have found within most of my interactions there is an underlying experience and desire to be the best and compete. This desire comes in many subtle forms, they are thoughts that go on in the background, not very noticeable or visible, but they are certainly there. They are fueled within self insecurity and judgments. These thoughts I would say are the secret mind thoughts, the thoughts that I wouldn’t want anyone to see or hear, so within this there is an experience of shame and self dishonesty that I am experiencing. Where this leads to feeling inadequate and going into the world to try and make myself better, and to do this I go into competition, where I can be seen as more or better in some way. So the essential point that is moving this participating in the bad emotions such as judgment of myself or others which creates this desire to feel better. But what is this all holding up and keeping in place, shame, judgment, competition, and self dishonesty.

This is obviously not the way to self equality with oneself and one’s environment, so I looked at this point more in depth and realized that this desire to compete and be more has been with me since my childhood, I have always had this drive to compete and be more then. This started with my family and the culture that was created within my childhood years. The circumstances for children coming into this world vary based on income of the family and personal awareness, so there is many outflows we as a society have to take responsibility for and also support, so here I want to walk through some of these scenarios for myself so I can stand and take responsibility for them and stop them from perpetuating in my world and reality.

To start, I remember going to my first experience of school where I was quite excited to experience all the different toys and games that I saw when I would drop off my sisters. This excitement diminished when I got to the kindergarten classroom, where I was given these tests to find out where I stood within the class and if I was going to be able to get in. I remember being stressed and anxious about the test taking because I had no idea where I stood in relation to it and I feared not being able to get into this cool looking classroom.

Here is one experience of competition and fear of survival that came up in my life and how this effected the whole rest of my schooling years where I associated this building with having to keep score and make the cut, competing with numbers and other children and environments, I mean it is a stressful thing to throw a child into not knowing what to expect and having no real understanding of the reason for the testing and why it is being done, and just expect them to be enjoying themselves and ok with all of it. Children aren’t told anything, they are mostly forced into what it is that is expected of them over traditions and never included in the decision. If children fight back, they are seen as rebellious and handled in a more strict way. This goes into parenting and how parents create a dynamic of master/slave relationship that the child certainly picks up on and becomes defiant in a way toward, which is extended into the system, such as the education system and the way in which is operates. This is from my personal experience of my own childhood and some insight and perspective to support with changing to solutions that will support all and create a better world for all.

I will continue in my next blog, thanks.

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Thursday, May 16, 2013

Day 302 – Self Judgment – Comparison Memory Breakdown – Money – “I am more rich then you’

Check out this blog for reference of this portion below:
Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

“we always got on weekends and in summer like treats, ice cream, mcdonalds, and things that cost ‘money’, and so I would see myself as better and more worthy then these particular friends I hung out with, who hardly ever got these types of ‘treats’, but desired it, it’s not that they couldn’t afford it but just didn’t get it a lot, and I equated this to them having less money then us, so judged us as better cause we got treats and they didn’t.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate treats and things I desired in my childhood with money and seeing if we got this in our lives the treats, entertainment, shiny gadgets, then we were better and more worthy then those that didn’t get it such in this instance with this memory our friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare what we had with others and determine within the material accumulation of stuff they had and I had as we are more then them or less then them and base how I will treat them and treat myself and see them and see myself base don this point of comparison asinferior = they have more accumulation or superior = we had more accumulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this memory when around these friends and gain an energy of satisfaction as supremacy towards them where I see that we are better, had more fun, and thus had a better experiences then them, and thus see me and my family/crew as privileged or better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become egotistical in seeing within myself as more then others and treating others as less then me in my behavior towards them because I held onto this memory of what we had as more and they had less, and thus they are less well off and not so great.

Interesting here within walking out this self forgiveness to this memory, which I haven’t ever really looked at or faced, and seeing the absolute illusionary and rather infantile assumptions, assessments, and actions of separation and elitism that was playing out and still to this day I see I exist in these patterns. This due to a comparison of material possessions and judging myself according to that comparison as more or less to others, when this in no way define's who we are in reality here, as we are all equal in fact as we are all life. Fascinating what we define ourselves from and how limiting it really is with out any awareness on a real level of what we are actually doing day in and day out, we just live into it as if it is who we are, when this is a very limited and brutal form of who we are as we are seeing playout everywhere in this world as conflict and absolute suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and others within the relationship I fostered with them to be about separation and illusion as ego within trying to be more then others and gain a more heightened state of importance within myself due to this judgment of others and myself in what we have, but really compromising the opportunity and potential I have here to walk in equality with others and live in ways that will bring this about in our living realities in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a judgment and comparisons based on material possessions and the accumulation of stuff, and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize the self within all that is here and the reality of the reasons things are here not to serve the ego, but to serve and thus be honored equally within all as life in all it’s forms.

When and as I see that I am going into a point of judging another through comparison of what they have and how much stuff there is there, I stop and breath, and realize that this way of living will only create a point of self compromise as I will miss the reality of what is here and the opportunity for equality, and thus seek and live into ego and thus the separation of myself as life and live within conflict and abuse.

I commit myself to move through this memory in letting it go as a point of learning to see that comparison and judgment lead not to what is best, but compromise.

I commit myself to accept all within my environment in all forms and means, and realize we are all equal here as the flesh and thus walk the self integrity of who I am as life within this realization and living within my world.

I commit myself to walk the equal money system research and spreading of the message so we can create an equal, fair, and balance platform for all goods and services to be honored and respected within sustenance and understanding that we are all one.

I commit to let go of my ego when it arise to be more as I let go of the desire to get more, I move into living within what is here and what will support me in each moment to walk my process and become effective within what I am doing and my purpose in this world as I direct myself within and as.

I commit myself to stop all judgment and comparison of others and breath through the energy to judge as I put myself in there shoes and realize that we are equal and continue to walk this until I am it as my living expression.

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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Day 301 – Self Judgment – Comparison Memory Breakdown – ‘nice cars’

Check out this blog for reference of this portion below:
Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

“my cousins always got really cool nice cars, like the new fancy ones, that I desired for us to have, we always had the old used cars and never anything fancy and new. If we did get one fairly new, it was always a year or two old. I resented my parents for this because they didn’t really care to pay that much for a car, and I wanted one that was new and cool to impress others and show that we had a lot of money.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I was and the people around me and who I interacted with in my environment based on what they had, specifically within this Memory based on what car they had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the car with the symbol of wealth and status of a person, and one that I have defined as new and cool through the symbol representation on the car, I define the person in this same definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then define and treat the other within the limitationthat I had defined them within as a polarity within myself as either inferior to me or superior to me based on what symbol they rode around in and I had to compete with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of awe with people that had really high status symbols of cars such as mercedes or bmw and thus see these people as more then me, and thus imagine how awesome there life was and how lame mine was cause I was not able to have the money to buy all these nice things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an imagination within my mind about peoples lives based on the material things they had and thus see them as a point of awe and desire to be like them if they had an expensive and high status symbol car or if they had a less expensive and run down, less status car, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others based on what someone drove around in as if this defines a totality of a being and in fact has any relevance to who they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then create resentment and anger towards my parents because they always bought cars where I could not impress those who I desired to be and thus be around as the more wealthier people, and thus created this point judgment towards my parents because I wanted money to make me happier and buy things I desired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about money and what I could buy as I was addicted to becoming entertained and did not care about much but this.

When and as I see myself go into a point of Comparison and desire for a certain symbol or brand of something, I stop and breath, and realize that I am access a point of ego and self interest, and this is a flag point for me to stop my participation in what I am doing, and check myself to see my starting point. And thus I realize I have to change myself and my starting point to stand for what is best for all and what is real, and stop all the mind points of comparison, judgment, and desire as these are not real and cause separation with the life that is here equal to me.

I commit myself to when I see I go into a point of desire for a material thing, breath and focus on the point of the physical, what I am accepting and change in that moment to live what is best for all involved.

I commit myself to walk the point of seeing the physical for what it is and living within common sense and simplistically in what it is I require to live until an equal money system has been created where life and the system of life is fair and equal for all.

I commit myself to let go of the memories of desires for nice things such as cars and live within a point of self movement, living from the physical in what is practical and something that makes sense, not pushing for afeeling but living from reality.

I commit myself to stop the points of imagination through focusing on my breathing and bringing myself back to awareness through the breath as myself as I move myself within my body. Until I am clear and able to in a moment stop this point of imagination and thinking within self direction.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Day 300 – Self Judgment – Comparison Memory Breakdown - Money – ‘Rich Friend’

Check out this blog for reference of this portion below:

Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

“my friend in school, I went to her house, she had the same amount of kids in her family as us, but her house was really big and she had this gigantic tv that fit her whole wall, I was amazed and in that moment compared myself/family to hers and saw us as less able to buy these things like this huge tv which I desired, and so got depressed cause we couldn’t afford such things that I really wanted and saw would be really cool to have.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my friends family because of the tv they had in there house and the size of their house, and see my family and thus me as less worthy due to this belief that those who have money have more power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have money and the family that I was with to have money so I could be seen by others as powerful and worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this memory of seeing our family as less then my friends and holding onto the belief that we will never be able to have everything we want because we don’t have a lot of money, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about having money so I could buy things I desired and be entertained while not caring how or to what ends this was met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about the amount of work and how the people around me where in there beingness, but only caring about impressing others around me to show we had money and thus worth, and getting what I wanted as entertainment through money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my friend as superior to me because her family had more stuff and thus more money then our family based on what we had for things, and thus saw myself asinferior and less then her because I couldn’t match up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my friend and thus judge us based on money value and what we have when within this I realize is not a fair system nor a real point of value, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a separation with my friend based on desire and judgment, and thus change my demeanor towards her because now I was intimidated.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to change my demeanor with my friend as intimidated based on feeling inferior to her because I compared our stuff and saw she had more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow feelings as inferior and desires direct me into compromising the life that is here between my friend and I, and thus miss the opportunity for self enjoyment and expansion with another in equality.

When and as I see that I am going into a point of judgment another and comparing myself to another based on what they have in monetary value, I stop and breath, and realize that this is only going to cause separation ascompetition and judgment, and thus disempower me and divide the opportunity here of life expression between us.

I commit myself to see life here for what it is in it’s purpose, letting go of what things are worth, and thus use products within common sense.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by my products and what I have, and focus on living my life in the best it can be, focus on doing rather then having.

I commit myself to stop judging me and others based on our monetary stuff and value, and work towards anequal money system where all are valued equally.

I commit myself to breath through all feelings releasing them as a directive force within me, and I direct myself in the best outcome I have gathered through my own common sense.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

Here looking at the comparisons I have made in my life within money, I am going to bring up some memories I have within me pertaining to this point, and will write out self forgiveness and self corrections for each one.

-my friend in school, I went to her house, she had the same amount of kids in her family as us, but her house was really big and she had this gigantic tv that fit her whole wall, I was amazed and in that moment compared myself/family to hers and saw us as less able to buy these things like this huge tv which I desired, and so got depressed cause we couldn’t afford such things that I really wanted and saw would be really cool to have.

-my cousins always got really cool nice cars, like the new fancy ones, that I desired for us to have, we always had the old used cars and never anything fancy and new. If we did get one fairly new, it was always a year or two old. I resented my parents for this because they didn’t really care to pay that much for a car, and I wanted one that was new and cool to impress others and show that we had a lot of money.

-we always got on weekends and in summer like treats, ice cream, mcdonalds, and things that cost ‘money’, and so I would see myself as better and more worthy then these particular friends I hung out with, who hardly ever got these types of ‘treats’, but desired it, it’s not that they couldn’t afford it but just didn’t get it a lot, and I equated this to them having less money then us, so judged us as better cause we got treats and they didn’t.

-shopping at ames and bradleys which were stores that were cheaper in price and my sisters use to make fun of my mom for going there, and so I from that perspective saw it as a cheap and like not cool place to shop, so saw us as ‘low-class’ for shopping at these places for clothes and thus didn’t want to be associated with the name of these stores nor buying clothes from them and wearing them around my friends in more the older childhood like 5th-6th grade on.

-when I got my first car, I identified it with the brand as jeep and saw that I am in a cool car as this is an expensive brand and car, so I can been seen as elite, more worthy, and high class with this symbol as the car i drove as someone who has money even though I hardly had money, but wanted to give off the impression to others that I had money cause i associated money with acceptablity.

Here is plenty for now for this point of walking the self forgiveness and self corrections within the point of comparison, self judgment, and money. Will continue in the next blogs walking each memory one by one.

Gracias!