Relationship Paranoia – Part 2 – The Origin of Relationship Desires - Day 318

This is a blog continuation of a series, here is part 1:

Day 312 – Relationship Paranoia – Part 1

So here I will be looking at the origin of this desire within me as a kid of liking a boy, and thus wanting a relationship with him. What within my memory and my living situation as a child oriented me to desire to be with another person? The first boy I remember liking was a boy in my second grade class, he was a boy who was shy, but very cute, so his looks where first on my list that attracted me to him. So I will look at this point first of ‘attraction’, and what within this point that creates a point of desire for another in my life at even the age of 8 or 9 years old.

First, I would say what drew me to attractive guys at that age where movies, the movies I watched always had this point of very cute guy or girl within it, to cater to each sexes desire, and they were always the hero’s within the movies. For instance was the movie free willy, the boy who lead in that movie I really liked based on him being cute. And within me, it was this desire to be like that or be with someone that was very attractive. Now, this point is very encapsulating and has been throughout my life, the desire for beauty, what makes the picture of someone so enthralling and enticing, as I look at it here it moves to sex. The desire to have sex with a beautiful person was already engrained in me even at that age of 8 or 9 years old, I may not have known what sex was, but I did feel a feeling of attraction to move closer to these beautiful pictures, and when I was younger, this desire or feeling again was fueled and grew within watching movies. Dirty dancing was the first movie I saw that I actually knew what was happening within the kissing scenes because my friends would talk about it, and then finally I saw this movie and it clicked, and I was like ok, this feeling is what everyone is talking about.

So this ‘feeling’ that everyone was talking about was a feeling or desire for closeness with another, for sex, but here one must question this because it’s not a self movement within a point of contemplation or decision making, but it’s like a pull, and the pull is magnetized towards another I have found through looks and beauty of another, and then the hope of relationship and then sex with this other. So even within the age of 8 or 9, I was already introduced to sex and relationship, and already was starting to feel the pull towards another, a desire to be with them, and at this stage it was based on this other being ‘cute’.

The Origins of desire in relationships therefore I would conclude based on my experiences as a kid would be one main focus is movies and television, what they show on the screen as sex and relationship, and inducing the experience within self of the feelings of lust and sex towards others. And thus what is imprinted within the human watching these movies or tv shows is that you have to be beautiful and sexy to get your desires fulfilled, to get another beautiful picture to be with you, and so I started on this road to be beautiful. The image of the characters on tv are very specific, they are geared to create desires within the viewer, the desire to be beautiful, and what does this desire create within the world system, consumers, buyers, but also devastation as the human view of themselves is skewed. It’s not about self-empowerment and wholeness of self, but these movies and tv series create a need and unfufillment within self, and a desire to perfect self. I will go into detail with self forgiveness and self correction next blog on these points.

So the paranoia that is created even at a very young age through what one watch on the tv screens, is the paranoia of the perfect look to get the perfect relationship, and then get to have that feeling of lust built up now through all the viewing over time on the tv, to find the perfect guy and have a relationship, sex, and then it will lead to marriage and thus security (I wil go into to this in detail in later blogs). So these expectations now, build up questions within self like, “but can I get him, will he like me, dear god, am I perfect enough? How do I get perfect?” And another problem is that children are never properly educated to discern from fact and fiction, and thus understanding how to create a point of self stability within yourself through these fears and feelings that are now created and being fueled on a day to day basis.

Suggest Read: Day 406: Relationship Paranoia Guidelines

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Day 55- I'll Kill to be Skinny

I was watching a tv show and the girl and guy where sleeping together, she got up and had her bra on and exposed her whole torse area, she was very skinny and had a flat stomach. I have always desired to have a stomach that is flat and muscler, and when seeing this flat stomach on the screen, those thoughts came up and I saw that the desire is still there, thus I will walk the point on in self forgiveness and give myself some direction to not accept this any longer through self corrective statements.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the desire to have a flat stomach so I can be seen as fit and in shape. I realize and see that this desire to be a certain body type will only cause me to diminish myself as I will be in a constant state of comparison and competition with myself and others to have this perfect picture as a skinny stomach never being satisfied with who I am and accepting my body as me. I realize and understand I must stop these desires to be skinny and stop judging and comparing bodies as all is physical and all is here one and equal to me, I am not a picture but life here in the flesh living, I am not an idea I am here a living being breathing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize and see that the human physical body is here within and as each breath assisting and supporting me to live and express on this earth, me in competition and chasing an idea is hindering and diminishing the effectiveness and oneness of the potential of the physical as me, and thus I am compromising life's full potential for my own self interest to be attractive and seen by others while the body suffer with mal- nourishment and abuse due to desires to be more. I realize and see that this abuse and suffering to the physical is not acceptable and thus I must stop the ideas of desire through stopping my desire to be seen by others as more and thus accept myself as is and accept myself as the physical letting go of ideas of beauty and attractiveness, and live within my self living becoming perfected within who I am as life in expression and stop the worry about how I am being seen.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use pictures in my head of images I see on tv screens or in pictures to influence who I am and thus desire to be seen in a particular way as I have an idea that I will attract guys that I desire, this within and as superficiality where I desire a pretty picture and a man who sparks my sexual desires so I can have sex with a man that I can gain energy from as nice feelings so I can feel special and be seen equal to the picture and show that I got the 'cream of the crop' so thus exist within a point of using my body for my ego in competition to show that I can catch the 'hottest' male. I see and realize that this behavior is completely self abdication to the equality of life and thus using life to suit my own desires and needs of feeling good, so thus I must stop the abdication of myself to life by stopping my addiction to getting my desires fulfilled at the cost of life here and being a person who needs to win.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to win and be the best for my own self gain while I cause abuse to others in this case my physical body by exercising to gain a specific outcome and nourish it due to the idea in my head and limit it's intake so I can hold this idea and try to live into it. I realize and see that depriving my body of it's necessities to function and live here within and as this physical existence is causing unnecessary harm when I realize that the physical require certain needs to live and thus I as the physical equal and one will walk the necessary steps and understanding to make sure I am here within support and unconditional giving to my body to help it stay balanced and healthy one and equal to how I am giving life each and every breath through and as this physical body as the physical existence as life.

I commit myself to stop defining and judging myself based on others bodies and pictures on tv, but live here with all in who we are as this physical reality and stop participating in the mind to gain something for myself.

I commit myself to give to my physical body support and the necessary nutritions to live balanced and healthy and stop all forms of abuse due to ego and competition.

I commit to enjoy myself as the physical and accept all life as is and accept myself as who I am working only for what is best for all in all moments.



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Day 28- Me as Ugly

Walking this point of seeing myself as a ugly and thus what this imply within and as how I conduct myself within and as my living as less then who and what I am capable of being within and as the equality and oneness as myself here as this physical reality and all that reside here. I realize and see that this point of self sabotage of seeing myself as an ugly person is based on judging the word ugly as bad and thus defining others based on my idea of this word and thus sabotaging myself as I am only judging myself and causing abuse in the process.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see myself as a ugly and thus judge myself as less then other people when I come into contact with them firstly by the way they look.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see myself within and as my mind as a loser based on my picture presentation being ugly.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as ugly within and as the body picture presentation as if this picture in my mind define me and my projection as an idea of what is supposedly beautiful is not seen based on the picture in my mind and thus seeing the myself less then those who are this 'beautiful picture' I am comparing to in my head.

I forgive myself accepting and allowing myself to go into self interest within only desiring to see my idea of beauty within everything I see as I desire to be seen in this way as well and thus go into separation and judgement of others as if this is who I am and what matter here within this world. I realize and see the human physical body as what it is is a gift for us here to live and thus is functioning within physical considerations and supports and thus is not defined by any idea nor projection of beauty or ugliness coming from the mind, the body is here simply and absolutely one and equal with the physical as what the body consist of.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge life and the human physical body as ugly/beautiful within an idea that this is an either/or point and thus judging others based on a positive or negative charge depending on what  polarity I see them in.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge a being based on the positive charge within liking them or being attracted to them if they 'fit' into this picture I have in my head as a lean muscular athletically attractive looking picture in my head.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold a picture within my head as a memory of a lean, athletic, muscular, attractive looking in my mind and thus define life by this picture.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define life based on picture in my mind and thus separate me here from the life being that reside and is one and equal with the human physical body.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take advantage of the human physical body within and as my self as I see and realize it unconditionally supports me and allows me to live even with all the abuse and mis-treatment I have given it over my lifetime, it is here for me thus I commit to walk in oneness and equality with it as my self to thus stand and be here within support and assistance to all life and to thus support and assist the human physical body as I would want and it does always with me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from my human physical body based on my desire to be perfect for others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to be perfect for others because I am not seeing nor walking self perfection within and as my living but trying to attain it through my mind which is impossible because the mind is generated by illusion and polarities of positive/negative thus always causing friction within and as self to generate energy to stay alive. The mind is energy generating for and as itself as who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be so thus it can stay alive as we do as we have come to believe that we are our minds only.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am only my mind here thus missing me here as living within and as myself in each breath as life in what is real as this physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to walk within and as desires in the mind of trying to live for others instead of remaining here and living here within and as myself coming to practical solutions for this world stopping the self interest of myself to gain good feelings from others as praise and compliments.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to be complimented from others to give proof and evidence of who I am as I am seeking for this approval from others as I don't see it within myself as I see myself as less then and thus define me as ugly as this being a bad thing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to seek approval from others in my world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to give the word ugly a negative charge and thus see others and myself within and as my world as being ugly and thus judging this as less then those I see as beautiful.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to give the word beautiful a positive charge and thus judge others and myself within my world as more then this based on the idea I have formed as beauty as a picture in my head.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define life by pictures in my mind and thus define and limit myself as this physical existence to the mind as illusion as ideas thru pictures. I realize this is not real and thus I stop this and walk as the physical equal and one as who I am.

When and as this point comes up to judge my physical or any other life here within the polarity of ugly/beauty, I stop, breath, and say "I am here and I am physical life one and equal with all beings" stopping all thoughts, ideas, pictures within and as myself by letting them go, and live here within and as physical practical movements until I am no more moved by polarities or mind ideas.

I commit to walk as life in the physical and stop defining myself within and as pictures and ideas of polarities as beauty/ugly and positive/negative.

I commit to stop the pictures in my head as memories of past and live here within and as breath to let go of this energy.

I commit to stop taking the physical human body for granted and walk in support and assistance one and equal with it, so thus we can align together and live in peace as this world as myself as this physical existence.