Relationship Paranoia – Part 2 – The Origin of Relationship Desires - Day 318

This is a blog continuation of a series, here is part 1:

Day 312 – Relationship Paranoia – Part 1

So here I will be looking at the origin of this desire within me as a kid of liking a boy, and thus wanting a relationship with him. What within my memory and my living situation as a child oriented me to desire to be with another person? The first boy I remember liking was a boy in my second grade class, he was a boy who was shy, but very cute, so his looks where first on my list that attracted me to him. So I will look at this point first of ‘attraction’, and what within this point that creates a point of desire for another in my life at even the age of 8 or 9 years old.

First, I would say what drew me to attractive guys at that age where movies, the movies I watched always had this point of very cute guy or girl within it, to cater to each sexes desire, and they were always the hero’s within the movies. For instance was the movie free willy, the boy who lead in that movie I really liked based on him being cute. And within me, it was this desire to be like that or be with someone that was very attractive. Now, this point is very encapsulating and has been throughout my life, the desire for beauty, what makes the picture of someone so enthralling and enticing, as I look at it here it moves to sex. The desire to have sex with a beautiful person was already engrained in me even at that age of 8 or 9 years old, I may not have known what sex was, but I did feel a feeling of attraction to move closer to these beautiful pictures, and when I was younger, this desire or feeling again was fueled and grew within watching movies. Dirty dancing was the first movie I saw that I actually knew what was happening within the kissing scenes because my friends would talk about it, and then finally I saw this movie and it clicked, and I was like ok, this feeling is what everyone is talking about.

So this ‘feeling’ that everyone was talking about was a feeling or desire for closeness with another, for sex, but here one must question this because it’s not a self movement within a point of contemplation or decision making, but it’s like a pull, and the pull is magnetized towards another I have found through looks and beauty of another, and then the hope of relationship and then sex with this other. So even within the age of 8 or 9, I was already introduced to sex and relationship, and already was starting to feel the pull towards another, a desire to be with them, and at this stage it was based on this other being ‘cute’.

The Origins of desire in relationships therefore I would conclude based on my experiences as a kid would be one main focus is movies and television, what they show on the screen as sex and relationship, and inducing the experience within self of the feelings of lust and sex towards others. And thus what is imprinted within the human watching these movies or tv shows is that you have to be beautiful and sexy to get your desires fulfilled, to get another beautiful picture to be with you, and so I started on this road to be beautiful. The image of the characters on tv are very specific, they are geared to create desires within the viewer, the desire to be beautiful, and what does this desire create within the world system, consumers, buyers, but also devastation as the human view of themselves is skewed. It’s not about self-empowerment and wholeness of self, but these movies and tv series create a need and unfufillment within self, and a desire to perfect self. I will go into detail with self forgiveness and self correction next blog on these points.

So the paranoia that is created even at a very young age through what one watch on the tv screens, is the paranoia of the perfect look to get the perfect relationship, and then get to have that feeling of lust built up now through all the viewing over time on the tv, to find the perfect guy and have a relationship, sex, and then it will lead to marriage and thus security (I wil go into to this in detail in later blogs). So these expectations now, build up questions within self like, “but can I get him, will he like me, dear god, am I perfect enough? How do I get perfect?” And another problem is that children are never properly educated to discern from fact and fiction, and thus understanding how to create a point of self stability within yourself through these fears and feelings that are now created and being fueled on a day to day basis.

Suggest Read: Day 406: Relationship Paranoia Guidelines

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Day 91 - ‘I am Helpless’ character

Tonight I watched a movie of how the world system is functioning and how we basically accept our enslavement through the acceptance of this current money system where some get more then others, indicating some are more worthy then others as money is life today and thus those with money get to live and those without suffer and will die. This is the reality here, and within the movies and media and all forms of life we are accepting the way this life is were life is valued less then money and thus we allow life to suffer and die.

Within watching these movies, I saw the ‘i am helpless’ character come out where I go into a point of depression and anger where I just want to say all sorts of shit about others that is a release to the helplessness feeling I am feeling within myself. I realize and see this is actually keeping me enslaved by believing I am helpless and thus powerless to change when I see I can change and this world can change and it will only change through changing myself step by step to a being who is able to be trusted by proving I am trustworthy through my words and living. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to accept the ‘i am helpless’ character where I go into helplessness and blame towards the world and the people in this world when I realize and see that the blame is only worsening the problem and the helplessness is based on the fear that I don’t want to face the world as myself and what is here to be faced as the countless suffering and atrocities to many beings.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am helpless when I go into thoughts of how bad it is here and how ruthless people here are not realizing that I am existing in the same way as I am going into the survival mode of ‘do anything to survive’ type mentality where anyone will change to make a better way for themselves even if that means to harm others based on the fact that their is no resources available to many. I realize and see that within this idea of helplessness I am not actually looking at the situation as a whole, but only looking at my own fear and what I will face if I get into a drastic situation or am faced with these dreadful living conditions that so many are faced with.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into fear when I allow myself to go into the helpless feeling that the world is eternally fucked and that we as humans are doomed as I am judging life based on what i am seeing on the media and thus immediately going into fear because I fear pain and suffering. I realize and understand that this fear is a fear of survival of me facing death which I still haven’t accepted and thus blind me to my empowerment as the way to life through my living as one and equal with all and thus working with others and a group that stand for this until it is here and we are here to walk this for and as life. I commit myself to stop this fear of survival and death. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow fear to direct me into a submissive state as the ‘helpless’ character were I am looking for others to help me and save me not realizing and living the solution as myself. I realize and understand there is NO ONE going to save me if I can’t save myself, I can not expect others to save me when I am not willing to live and walk the walk myself, so thus I stop the fear and continue to walk the walk of self honesty, self investigation, self writing, and self forgiveness and thus change my living to honor myself and life in oneness and equality with my realizations of who I am.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear death when I realize this is here and inevitable within and as who I am and thus I must walk myself to life here or in the hereafter it makes no difference I walk process to walk the solution to a world that is best for all by living this in my living and first and foremost stopping the fear of dying.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the way of this world and how life is being lived within a polarity of it is fucked and we are doomed when this is just going into the mind fueling my helpless character more and not living any practical real difference in changing the way of this living to a new way where all are able to benefit and all are able to live free. I realize that I have to stop the mind influence as the ‘helpless’ character as this only causes a depression within me and cause me to be stagnate where I go into a fear state and do not want to move. I realize and understand I must stop my mind thoughts from directing me by focusing on myself here as my breath in what I am doing in each moment as my physical movement and taking it one step at a time which accumulates and thus here is were change is possible through my physical movement not through thinking as the mind reality is not real.

I commit myself to stop going into blame towards this world as 'it is so messed up' and 'we are doomed' when I realize and understand that this is useless and only separate me more from physical reality into my mind were I am lost and go into suppression. 

When and as I go into blame towards the world or events in the world, I breath, stop, and let go of the thoughts of blame, realize what I can do physical practically in that moment to support myself or others and continue walking physical practical support until I am stable and this effort has accumulated to make a real difference.

I commit myself to stop the fear and then going into this helpless character where I go into a depression and submission state by stopping the  fear and this feeling of helplessness and walking what has to be done to change myself into trustworthy being equal to all life.

I commit myself to stop this helpless character by focusing on what I can do in each moment to support life and continue to walk this until I am here and stable and greater change can be walked.

I commit to stop judging this world and the people in it and focus on who I am and how I am living to thus be able to trust myself and walk as an example for others to show who might not be aware of process yet.

I commit to walk out each point that come up within me in separation and support myself through self forgiveness, self honesty, self investigation, and self change to thus be able to stand and walk what has to be walked for life as myself as all here to create a world that is best for all. 






media, movies, doomed humans, helpless, needing help, self help, powerless, elite, mind control, brainwashing, survival instinct, surviving, character, acting, play, desteni, equal life, 2012, eqafe