'Testing Things' to Hide from Myself - Day 346

Please reference these blogs for more perspective on this point:

"Mind Give Me Joy" - Day 344

Seeing life as Boring - Day 345

This point is on the desire to actually continue the addiction I had been walking to the high from drugs through an idea I created and statement I made to myself that 'I am testing myself on the drug to see how I am and if I am able to not be moved', even after I had stopped this point and been walking process for some time. But really I was deceptively hiding the fact that I still did not want to stop the addiction, and so hid behind the excuse of I am testing myself when that is really not relevant of the process I am walking to become life equal and one here in the physical because as I realized it's not about who I am on drugs, but who I am breath by breath, so testing myself is irrelevant as it has nothing to do with the physical, but everything to do with the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of testing myself within doing a drug to veil the fact that I desire to actually still do the drug and continue to be in this addiction as it gives me instant gratification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within desires, wants, and needs, within a belief in my mind that i am not happy unless i have something to do or exist from outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to realize that i see, realize, and need nothing outside myself to be here and exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that through testing a drug I am becoming more transcended within it, when really what i am doing is existing within self compromise as i am really just prolonging the point of simply stopping participation in it through stopping the addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by self interest in the desire to get something from what i am doing instead of standing here within an equal support of give and receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live from the desire and belief that i can have instant satisfaction through drugs and live into this desire by hiding and excusing my behavior through justifications that i am walking self honestly when in reality I am just feeding my desire to have life be instant and satisfying through giving into energy possession as addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not going to have any consequence for just allowing this point to continue overtime, when i realize that my physical is being effected through a pain within the knee as continuing to exist in self interest as ego - knee=ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about the effects that my actions as living only in consideration of energy through the mind as desires instead of considering the reality of life, my physical, my self honesty, and my self trust within who i am and being able to stand by that to be trustworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the words 'testing myself' as an excuse to do drugs and get high feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I can do it one more time and it's fine, when i continue to use this excuse and not be able to be trusted within it as my actions are showing that I am addicted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live my words and thus diminish my effectiveness in the physical to be able to truly trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have not yet stood by my word to stop my desire/needs for drugs through standing within each and every movement to do it and not give into the energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself lie to myself in saying it's ok one more time, I am just testing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the process of becoming life to get high and hide behind the dishonesty of my actions as it's really due to self interest.

When and as I see myself going into the excuse of I am testing myself or I can do this one more time, I stop and breath, and I realize that this is not honest, I am using this excuse to get a fulfillment as I am in desire and need as energy within the mind through thoughts as debates to do it or not. I realize if I am being moved within the mind as energy and within my physical, I am not standing and thus I can not trust my words nor actions.

I commit myself to stop these thoughts of 'I am testing myself' in a self compromising action. 

I commit myself to stop these thoughts of 'I am only doing it this one time' through not participating in them and letting them go.

I commit to write out the points that come up that I see I still have any energy movements within them and clear them.

I commit myself to breath and push my living breath by breath in living my words, being effective, and pushing myself beyond my boundaries until I am here and standing through my own self direction in self honesty absolutely. 

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Day 245- I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness

Looking more at this point of vengefulness within me and how and why I have created myself in such a way, I see within looking at myself in such a scenario is when I am in a belief of myself that I am in a way defending what it is I think is mine because I believe someone is threatening my chances of getting what I desire. These beliefs are not based within fact as physical evidence, but in my mind as thoughts, emotions, and memories I have created as a report for myself as the preemptive for attack, but the problem is its not real it’s all illusion, it can’t be duplicated, and thus it can not be trusted. Though within this current character as vengeful as an example of this illusion over reality, I am constantly facing my consequences that I am currently facing with people seeing me as bossy and unapproachable because when people are accused or not treated with respect and it’s not actually provable true what I say, there will always be resistance and conflict.

So this desire and belief that ‘I am not able to get what I desire because another is preventing it’, creates a strong point of urgency within me based on addiction interestingly enough, I now over time have become addicted to getting and indulging in things that make me feel good. For example these can be compliments from others, being seen as better then others, getting attention from someone I admire, getting to do things or go somewhere that I really enjoy, and within this addiction of the feelings of happiness, achievement,satisfaction of this indulgence consumed I feel better about myself, I feel more complete, feel more worthy of life, feel more accepted by others, feel more accepted within myself. And so when I do not receive that which I desire and that which I expect and have found a point I perceived that another is taking this from me, I go into survival mode and attack. 

It’s like a drug addict not getting their drug and another person is the one preventing them from getting it, one go into withdrawal and go out of control within themselves because there is an overwhelming desire to get that fix again, to get the high of the feelings again, the experience of wonder that one can’t get by just being here, searching, seeking, escaping, and when one stand in the way of another’s desires there will be a wrath attached to that as the person obviously is not self controlled. This is how I would describe the desire of my apparent needs and not getting them due to another preventing that, and the rage that is built based on this counter force of encompassing desire to get my energy fix.

But this is not life right? No this is not living, but coping and covering up the problem within me which I am trying not to have to see and trying not to have to face, and this is the point of actual change, actually willing myself to stop my self abuse, actually willing myself to stop my addictions to desires and my apparent happiness, stopping the self sabotage of life, actually stopping my abuse within how I treat others and the hurtful things I say, but I want to stay within the easy life, the quick fix, the instant gratification. At what cost though….this will cost me my life. Like the overdose addict, they do it to such an extent that it consumes them eventually and they slip away into non-existence.

But all the while, this whole time me as the addict is aware, I can see what I am doing, I can see the effects my words, my emotions, my forces are having on others, and how I am not actually considering and living equal with others, but only trying to satisfy my own self indulgences. I am creating this whole experience of self dissatisfaction within me because I am allowing addictions to direct me, I am allowing feelings of instant gratification to consume me, deciding to go with a moment of feeling a good feeling over the life that I am visible harming as I have wrote in early post of making another cry, this is not who I want to be.

So I have realized especially within this deliberate abuse within vengefulness I go into towards others, that it’s time to walk my decision, live my decision and become the decision as myself, the decision I have already made to stand for life, to be an example of what life is in equality and oneness, to stop my addictions to the mind as energy, and so breath through this to reach the end result that will come as self direction, self determination, self creation where I allow nothing to escape me, but I stand and live my own self responsibility, I do onto others as I would want done to me, I live my words and stop my abuse in my world and then eventually as the world at large, what I live is what I create, what we live as life is what we create as life, we are directly responsible with and without.

Being vengeful and seeking revenge is the ultimate slap in the face to life and those who are pushing themselves in this process to be an example as life as I have stated that I am walking, I see the deliberateness within my actions when I accept this character to play out, and it’s not something I will accept any longer. I will break all these points down within blogs to come and create my own guidelines to live to walk through the storm and direct myself out to the other side, there are solutions we just have to be here to realize them not in our minds, we here in reality within our living are our own solutions, I just have to live It

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